So I have been talking with my counselor a BUNCH lately about the idea of acceptance. After 20 years of being the responsible one while ADHD hubby gets to do pretty much whatever pleases him at the moment, I am negative and spent and exhausted-like many of us are. But we cannot afford a divorce and we have two kids. Right now my plan is to suck it up until the now 8th grader graduates from high school and then RUN as fast as I can. In the meantime, my counselor has me working on getting to a place of acceptance. I know this is best for me. DH is likely to not notice my stance either way. I once heard someone say the hating another person is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for THEM to die. That's what I feel like. My constant mental railing at what DH is or isn't--it's only hurting me. He has no idea and likely wouldn't care if he did or would not be able to do anything about it for any substantial amount of time. So the idea of acceptance--how does that differ from giving up or being resigned to the crappy way things are? In my marriage, DH does not have my back. Small example: I had the alarm set on Saturday morning so I could go to my hot yoga class (one of the only things that is keeping me sane lately!!!!). So when we went to bed I said that the alarm was set for 7:30 so I could get to the 9am class. Sure enough the alarm went off, he nudged me, but I dozed off again and missed the class. That I had paid for. That I had really wanted to go to. He had gotten up, by the way, but didn't come in to see if I was awake and making my way to the class. I was REALLY crabby that I had missed it. Mostly it made me sad that it never crossed his mind to make sure I got there. In my marriage he is not dependable. He has been fired from two jobs in the past three years and it's NEVER his fault and the companies are both going to go under without him. ( they haven't by the way...) He is not consistent--for some periods of time (it may be hours it may be days or weeks) he is PRESENT and with us, and then he fades away again for an indeterminate amount of time, for no reason I can discern. He does weird things and when I ask about them tells me he is an adult and he can do whatever he wants. He does not come home when he says he is going to. He may or may not answer his cell phone when I call during the day and he may or may not answer texts during the day, but he says he wants us to stay in better touch (he travels Mon-Fri for business). If I tell him how I feel, he says he is not responsible for my feelings. Okay then. None of those behaviors seem very partner-like. None of them seem very kind or caring or putting the other person first. But if that is all he is capable of or willing to do (I have no idea which it is), and I accept all of that, what does our marriage then look like? If he does not take care of me (not in some weird babyish way), if he does not feel responsible for my feelings (NOT in a codependent way, just normal), if he does not feel any particular need to respond to my texts or calls--how do I accept such a barren marriage relationship? The counselor talks a LOT about being able to accept DH for who he is and stop being so mad at him for NOT being something else, which makes total sense. I get that it is healthy to accept what actually IS not what you WISH was the case, in all aspects of your life and to live with the choices you make, good and bad. BUT--if I am on my own on so many levels, what do I need to be married for???? If I had a roommate that I knew had somewhere to be and slept through her alarm, I would go in and make sure she got up for the event. DH feels none of that responsibility or care towards me. He tells me I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself. Clearly--I have been for this whole marriage, but then why do I need him? Why accept behavior that is so thin emotionally? Our marriage counselor asked us at the first session in the fall to each think of something we needed from the other and after a week of thinking about it I could not come up with one thing. It almost doesn't occur to me to need anything from him because it's a crap shoot as to whether I will get it or not. So the idea of acceptance--I am having a hard time with that right now. If what IS is little and so NOT-sustaining, what then does a marriage relationship look like? How do you keep a marriage going when one person actually tells you he is not responsible for your feelings or he can do whatever he wants because he is an adult? Where is the sense of partnership? We are not a team, we are not on the same side, none of those marriage cliches apply to us at all. I hear other wives mention that they have to check with their husbands about whatever and I am just baffled. I wonder why they would even tell their husbands at all, let alone ask for their input or opinion. Do people actually do that?? Discuss stuff and assume their spouse has something useful to contribute? Assume their spouse cares either way? I filed our taxes on my own, the refund got deposited and I spent it on back bills all before DH even realized I had taken care of it. This was done in January--I had our refund in our bank by the second week of February. I can't remember when he asked about the taxes and I told him it was done and the refund had paid back x-y-z bills. He was like, oh-okay. End of discussion. Never once crossed my mind to run it by him what bills I would pay or what to do with the money. He didn't even have to sign anything because our accountant files them electronically. So strange. Lonely. That's what it is. Lonely.
Any thoughts on acceptance vs resignation??? Love to hear them...
dv
I think it's possible to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I think it's possible to "accept" something without thinking it's "acceptable," if that makes any sense. My husband is who he is; he abandoned me and our daughters emotionally, physically, and financially. I accept that these things are true. But I do not find them acceptable; thus, I plan to divorce him. I don't always feel calm about this situation but I'm much better adjusted to my husband's irrelevancy than I used to be.
Yes Exactly Rosered
Submitted by kellyj on
Accepting isn't of them, it's for you. That's where your own mental torment begins and ends. It doesn't mean you have to like it...whatever it is you are accepting.
That's what we have to do by the way.......or at least, those of us who have:)
J
I understand....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I understand your thoughts about "why would I discuss these things with my husband." I rarely ever discuss business decisions with my H because the few times I've done it, I've had to stop myself from laughing at his stupid inputs (often incredibly naive, self-serving, or just poor business sense). So, I just unilaterally make most/all decisions by myself. I have a natural business sense, plus two business degrees. I do belong to a forum where people in the same business share ideas, and they are a wonderful sounding board for ideas and decisions. Since we aren't in each other's markets (different cities/states/countries), there is no fear of helping others.
I do lament when I hear other couples work as a team. I wish I had that. instead, most of H's decisions for the past 30 years have had a horrible self-serving tinge.
Torn between to Lovers....
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi dvance....Your post is the story of my life and our marriage!...Out of one side of my mouth I'm telling my self....Acceptance brings peace....Out of the other side of my mouth I'm giving myself the speech you documented....Where is the Partnership??? Why are we even staying together???
The truth is...Expectations has ended a many of marriage...Good one's and not so good one's......
I have resigned myself to not concern myself with how she should manage her life....And give a whole lot more attention to my own mental sufferings that I allow to creep in because of the question's above....
Because at the end of the way which could be today...I would like to be known as a peaceful man:(
Growing Up
Submitted by Standing on
Dvance, for me, acceptance has meant - growing up.
Now that I am divorced, by ex's choice, I am beginning to see how many of the choices I made during our marriage effectively erased the ILLUSION that we were a team.
You see, I stopped expecting him to care whether or not I was able to do any of the things that I valued... because I knew that he did not care. He only cared that I was valuing HIS important things and sacrificing myself for those.
This could have continued indefinitely, if not for the fact that I worked alongside him for the last year and a half and witnessed, first-hand, the manner in which he treated other people early on, when he wanted to impress them and get them hooked. Because I was with him ALL the time, he seemed to begin to view me literally as a part of himself, and shared with me some of his philosophy about how this all works. It was just a game to him, nothing more. It's how he sees life as working. Zero genuine connection.
Personally, I don't believe that this is a component of Attention Deficit Disorder. It is a matter of character, or the lack thereof.
So, for me, and perhaps for you, it all boils down to the saying - When someone shows you who he is, Believe Him! That is acceptance.
Resignation, to me, means deciding that I can do no better, that I am a helpless victim of someone else's personality or lack of character. That is a lie. I am responsible for setting my own boundaries, for defining who I am by my own actions, and for not blaming or villainizing someone else if I allow him to cross those boundaries in his attempts to define me.
Accepting that I had choices was the first step into liberty. By the way, I couldn't afford to divorce, either. I filed for legal separation.
Hope that helps.