Submitted by lindsayadair on 08/05/2014.
I have ADD. I am currently engaged and together we have been trying to work together to be the best we can be. The goal is to build a strong healthy relationship. As with any couple, fights occur and disagreements happen. I am medicated and I am in counseling attempting to minimize the damage I cause to the relationship. I stumbled across this website looking for ideas, input and in general help about actively and successfully communicating with my partner. Unfortunately, at least in this particular forum, I seem to have ran into a a lot of negative viewpoints. I am curious, are there not also good parts to being with someone with attention defecit? I personally refuse to believe that the relationships with ADD/ADHD people are hopeless and completely bad. I would appreciate some input.
Hi. Your evaluation of the
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Hi. Your evaluation of the overall tone of the comments here is accurate. I'm one of the people in a very negative situation. Three years ago, my husband chose to take a job 135 miles away. For the first two years, he was there four days per week, here three days. While away, he never called or emailed me. While here, he was out of the house for all but two or three hours per day. Now he's at the job (caregiving for his parents) 24/7. He says that his absence is the best thing he can think of to do for me. So, to him, it's apparently a positive; to me, it's something I could have with or without him, so it's not a benefit of the relationship.
In contrast, my boss is a very nice person who has ADHD. I don't know what her personal life is like but she's a good boss.
Lindsayadair, I hope you get some responses on the positive side
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
Hi lindsayadair,
I appreciate your question. There are a lot of posters here who are looking for help and support that are living in very challenging ADHD situations. However, there have been others who post that they have been moving ahead in their relationships in really positive ways. I hope you get some responses from them.
I really appreciate that you and your fiance are doing your best to work together to have a healthy relationship. And good for you for taking your treatment seriously, and getting the help you need to work on your side of things. You may want to read the books that are shown on this website. Both are very helpful in guiding couples where ADHD is an issue. The second book, I co-authored with Melissa Orlov. If you want, you can see reviews for both on www.amazon.com.
I wish you the best, and thanks again for your question.
i agree with you
Submitted by Smokey on
Hi Lindayadair, I am in a 10 year relatonship with my ADHD BF and, although it’s not always easy, I can genuinely say that I am always grateful for having him in my life. We are both in it for the long haul and are genuinely happy to be with each other. Are there days when I scream/cry/pout? Yes, absolutely. There are days when I have so much worry and anxiety that it makes me sick. Like other posters, I could tell some horror stories. But despite all that, there are a lot of great times that I wouldn’t trade for anything. There’s something that keeps me going when things get tough, when we’re going through something such as a job or family stress that ADHD makes so much harder: both of us (I repeat: BOTH of us) are dedicated to self-improvement and relationship building. He has flaws, and his flaws have a name: ADHD, depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, etc. I have flaws, too, but mine are a little more ambiguous, they don’t necessarily have a “diagnosis.” I worry too much, I’m not codependent but I let other people’s problems make me sad and anxious. I’m a “fixer” who likes to check things off her list. I’m self-conscious and care too much about what other people think of me. I avoid and am afraid of conflict. The list goes on.
I’m not saying any of this to put myself down or call myself a basket case. I am a person with confidence, high self-esteem, and a very healthy outlook on life. I’m a well-adjusted person. My point is that we all have issues that we need to work on. I take responsibility for my behavior in the relationship, and so does he. If he didn’t, I don’t think I could be with him, as much as I adore him. They say you can’t change a man, but I fully expect my ADHD BF to want to change himself (not his core self, but his bad habits, self hate, etc). This willingness to change is a personal characteristic that, when lacking, can kill all kinds of relationship, ADHD or not. It sounds like you, too, have this drive for self-improvement, and I your fiance is extremely grateful and appreciative of that.
As for the good things, there are many. He’s extremely creative. He has a thirst for knowledge that inspires me. He’s loyal to me. He’s quirky in a way that makes me laugh all the time. He thinks that my quirks (of which there are very many) are adorable. I could go on and on. How much of this has to do with ADHD and how much is just who he is? I can’t say. But I do believe, as a general rule, that everyone’s strengths are the same as or closely related to their weaknesses. Hyperfocus can be so damaging and discouraging when it’s on video games, or facebook, (or another woman!), but when he hyperfocuses on me, our relationship, or even on endeavors that I find interesting to hear and learn about from him, then it’s a positive. I think the same goes for most other ADHD and personality traits.
We face significant, serious challenges, but at the end of the day, he makes my life good.
I’m curious to hear more about your life and relationship, what works for you in your relationship as the person with ADHD?