Submitted by Helen48 on 09/07/2009.
I am wondering if others have noticed that when the ADD person in a relationship gets the other person upset, angry, etc. He/she has a slight smile.
It seems to me that he is enjoying himself (a) because he caused me upsetness; and (b) because he likes seeing me that way.
When this happens in my relationship my anger is very hard to control: I could hit him really. This and his defensiveness are the worst symptoms of his ADD for me.
I would be most interested to know about the feelings that others have when the 'secret smile' occurs in the other.
(Dr. Phil put me on to this particular kind of smile some time ago in relation to another problem).
I know that smile
Submitted by Jude on
I know exactly what you mean: it looked like a power play to me, a "gotcha", a schoolyard bully kind of smile. It was devastating to me, that he "wished" me harm almost. It felt hateful.
But I asked him about it, calmly, casually, in a good moment. He knew what I meant and quite easily explained - he said he was glad that I was upset, because he has spent so much time in his life upset. That was it, he talked about it like it was nothing, it wasn't something he felt guilty about nor did it seem to me that he had "admitted" to anything, nor done anything "wrong".
My guy isn't manipulative or sly, his comment wasn't snide nor was there any power play going on. He simply told me what was going on for him. I didn't say anything else (such as: if you'd spent so much time upset, wouldn't you try hard to make sure those you love wouldn't be upset?)
He was so open, factual and easy when talking about it, I knew that my perception had been "off" and that this was one area where his unusual brain wiring showed itself.
I know he suffers when I am hurting, whether he "caused" it or not. When I am down it really throws him, I am realising that a lot more lately.
But he hasn't smirked since I asked about it (3 months or so ago?)
secret smile is not just ADD
Submitted by arwen on
Helen48, all the men in my husband's extended birth family have ADD, and neither my husband nor son exhibit this "secret smile" -- but I know the smile you mean, because my husband's father, brother and uncle do smile this way, like a "gotcha" as Jude said. So, I don't think it's intrinsic to ADD per se.
I have observed that my husband and son are not very competitive individuals (even though my son was a competitive athlete, he didn't really like competing against other people -- he always just viewed it as a competition against himself, improving his performance). My husband's father, uncle and brother, on the other hand, are much more keen on beating other people. So, I think maybe it's takes a combination of a certain degree of competitiveness and what I tend to think of as the ADDers "con job" behaviors (which are sometimes not even consciously done) to produce this particularly nasty reaction.
Wisdom demonstrated
Submitted by Helen48 on
Awen, your comments are wise. Thank you. It is easy to attribute everything that the Add-er does to the single cause of ADD isn't it. I tend to do that, therefore appreciate you getting a perspective on the topic.
Jude, You are also wise. It seem to me that you are in a good space with your ADD partner because he listens, is not defensive when you bring up a topic about his behaviour. You are obviously kind and empathic. Well done.
I know it too....
Submitted by Flower Lady on
To me it's more a smirk than a smile.....my husband has done it many times and it's unsettling to say the least. I don't understand it either....not sure if he is truly trying to get under my skin or if it's a self-defense kind of thing....like "grin and bear it". I did get upset about it in the past, but now I simply walk away...it doesn't seem worth it to waste my time figuring out the why's and what for's anymore. I'm just too worn out and fed up.