My husband has (yet) undiagnosed ADD. It's been 4 weeks since I handed him a list of symptoms and asked him what he thought... This past year has been awful. I believe that his ADD was masked as laziness until then but the changes and difficulties we've faced in this year and especially him being without regular work have really brought it out. If we didn't have children (a toddler and one on the way) I would have probably left already. When I started researching ADD I was actually quite excited. I had tried all sorts of things to improve our marriage but nothing seemed to work and I felt very alone. In my mind, if this is what it is, then at least there's hope for change.
I thought he saw it the same way (he agrees that it's likely he has it) but 4 weeks later he hasn't done anything... He has an appointment to see a Dr. in 3 weeks for diagnosis. He's tried emailing a few coaches but when they don't reply he doesn't follow through. I've been spending all my spare time reading about ADD and how it affects marriage but he doesn't seem that interested. He told me this morning that I need to stop pushing - that he needs more time to adjust to it and work though what this means for him. Is this normal??? How long am I going to have to wait??? I thought he would be excited to have an idea of what's "wrong" and want to work at making it better. Did anyone else go through a long period of their ADD spouse not being ready to take any action steps? Did anyone else with ADD need a while to get used to the idea? How long do I wait before I do something?
I waited years before my ADD
Submitted by Clarity on
I waited years before my ADD husband decided to do something about it, and that was after he figured it out watching a tv show. His family talked him out of it insisting I was the problem. He was often angry and it was obvious that I was provoking him. (More like avoiding him)
Eventually, I guess he got used to the idea, he was diagnosed and medicated, and said his day at work was miraculous. But just a few months later, he decided he didn't need the medication anymore and the angry outbursts started again. I burst into tears myself and so he went back on the meds. I can tell when he's missed a few days or he needs his dosages tweaked. He still won't go to counsel and I'm sure we could use it. He says I'm the one who really needs it as I had problems long before he met me...He doesn't believe that his behavior affects me.
Thank goodness the medication seems to take the edge off but, I can see it will always be challenging. I don't know if I will ever let my guard down around him.
Good luck to you, if you've found this site you know you're not alone...
It has been almost 3 years
Submitted by newfdogswife on
It has been almost 3 years since my husband was diagnosed. At first, we both were excited to finally have some answers as to why our life together (28 years) has, for the most part, been awful. We read many books, found this website, found a doctor, found a counselor and medication. My husband is fighting depression and medicated for that, also. As of today, there is very little progress. He has pretty much hit that brick wall and can't seem to get up. The doctor and counselor give him many suggestions on what he needs to be doing to pick himself back up but nothing happens. I remind him of these suggestions, if and when he talks about it, which isn't very often but I refuse to continue with my title of "NAG" any longer, so I just keep my mouth shut most of the time and am trying to get on with what's left of my life without his presence. I guess deep down he has made the choice to not accept help. So Sad!!!! In answer to your question about how long you wait before you do something? I guess that is up to you and how much you can take and for how long. I'm like many others on here. I'm preparing for "my" future since it looks like I will still be going it alone.
Never
Submitted by tarjavj on
Well my soon ex husband saw doctor 3 times and then decided that he needs no help. I was making all up, he admitted that he has ADD, but never understood how it affected our marriage. So, that is why he is soon ex...hope your situation gets better. Try to be patient.
Rollercoaster
Submitted by mattttam on
I didn't understood how it affected my interpersonal relationships either. I talked with my fiancee quite a bit, and got some understanding of it...but it's hard to get a really clear picture when you also have your own take on the experience.
I am the ADHD husband. We
Submitted by Mr. Dad on
"gift"
Submitted by mattttam on
To me, ADHD feels like an obstacle between me and the world/people I want to interact with. My fiancee will be upset and ask "How could you DO that?" When I look at it with her perspective, non-impulsively, I think "Wow I have no idea. I'd never do that!" I wouldn't call it a gift. It's certainly a challenge...but one I'd rather conquer than continually face.
Patience!
Submitted by kallimae on
My husband is very similar, he needs time to adjust. I think it was probably about a 6 month period before he really took my urgings seriously. We had always 'joked' about his ADD, but we didn't really take it seriously enough for him to get an official diagnosis/see someone until he quit his 4th job in a year and had a major fight. I did some research and realized exactly how much his ADHD was affecting our marriage. I then encouraged him to get help. He nodded and said 'uh-huh' but did nothing. I mentioned it again, he said it wasn't that big of a deal. I mentioned it again, he shrugged. All of these mentions were spread out, maybe once a week or once every two weeks. He needs time to adjust. And I made a point to be calm and in a good/supportive place with him when I mentioned it. I made it a point to not attack him and make him feel defensive. Then I waited. And waited. And he finally mentioned it himself. He started pointing out actions that were because of the ADHD, he started mentioning going to see someone. Finally he did research to find a dr and make an appointment. But all of this took at least 6 months from my extensive research to him calling to make the appointment. And I was very patient. I bit my tongue a lot. I went outside and screamed. I supported him, because he's the one coming to terms with the fact that something he has is destroying his life/relationship and he cannot control it without help. Be patient!
Thank you for this
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Thank you for this post...your last sentence is 100% accurate and just exactly what keeps me going and hanging in there. My husband is not there yet, but I do feel coming to terms with it and accepting that it DOES cause problems, it CAN devastate lives (including their own), and they CANNOT control it without help is absolute key. Don't you find it ironic, and sad, how WE are the ones who are doing all of the 'extensive research' (In most cases) and having to 'report' to them what we find? In my case, thus far, he isn't buying it...just sees it as me trying to 'fix' him. So, I pray that he gets there as your DH did. My days of research and mentioning it are over. We are 16 months post diagnosis.
You're welcome
Submitted by kallimae on
I think it's amazing how similar all of our stories are. Obviously there are differences, and I feel very thankful that my husband has been so accepting (eventually, lol). I hope your husband comes to term with what his ADHD is doing to both of you. I think it's easy for them to ignore the fact that ADHD is an issue for the people around them. I also think that it's hard sometimes for the ADHDer to realize that the way they think/act/view the world is different. I truly believe that it's not always worse, but it's definitely different and more challenging! My DH has never been on this site (that I know of), although I have emailed several things to him. It's such a great resource for me- I don't feel so alone with the struggles and feelings that I have- that I want him to have that, too. But I've also done tons of additional googling and reading, not sure he's done much of that at all. My husband never thought I was trying to 'fix' him, but that i was trying to 'change' him. He hasn't mentioned that since he's come to terms with his ADHD, and every time he would say it I felt so horrible and guilty. I had to step back and realize that I wasn't trying to change HIM, I was trying to help him with his behavior? If that makes sense. I hope your DH comes to terms with it soon, and can work on making things better for both of you! Good luck!