So this just happened:
H has not worked for a few years. Retired. He used to have a business that he conducted from a large room we call the office. It is piled high with things like receipts from 5 to 25 years ago - dirty and musty papers and decades old files all over. No horizontal space open. I have been telling him that I would like to clean it up and use the room as a craft room/tv-room. We have a living room, dining room and a very large den. This room is now a very large hoarding storage space that it is impossible to clean. It is starting to smell.
Me: "I am on my way to Good Will (non-profit store of donations). Is there anything you would like me to take along?"
Him: "I'm not going to give my tape dispenser away!!!! I'm going to give that to our son!!!!!"....and then a tirade about the tape dispenser. (Which had nothing to do with me),
Me: "Anything from the office that you are cleaning that you don't use that someone else could use?"
Him: LOUDLY and FORCEFULLY with arms flailing, "I'm told you, Jenna, I'm working on it!!!!!"
Me: Matching his level of sound, "I have been hearing you tell me that for a long time. I don't see you doing that though!"
Him: .....stomping away and slamming fist on table.
I know that organization and throwing things away are challenging to his ADD brain. In any case, I have a bit of OCD. It makes me crazy inside that we have a hoarding room in our house. He also has a hoarding garage, 2 hoarding sheds here, a hoarding shed at his sisters's house and a rented storage space in town. He believes all this stuff is worth money but he just pays for the space and doesn't make any money from the junk.
It makes me want to scream! I like things organized and clean. It seems that us non-ADHD people are supposed to let go of our expectations, to sugar-coat our desires, to soft pedal around the delicate brains of our spouses. What about me? How many decades can a person stuff their own needs before we loose ourselves and hate ourselves and hate our lives? It feels like I have enabled him to act like a lazy, rude, selfish jerk.
Has anyone just gone in and taken charge and done the cleanup of their spouse's neglected space? If so, how did it go?
Everyone reacts to things
Submitted by Tired.And.Sick on
Everyone reacts to things differently, but what I can say about cleaning up a hoarder's neglected space, is they'll likely react very poorly. My wife has told me that me cleaning our shared space is tantamount to physical abuse, and her responses to forced cleanups have been threats and lies. The first time I force cleaned she stormed out and came back talking about suicide. A subsequent time she went to the police and filed a false report.
In my wife's case she has ADHD and a genetic pre-disposition to hoarding. I've seen some minor improvements in her hoarding while she's been seeing a psychiatrist, but she hasn't been seeing the psychiatrist for hoarding disorder. Instead she's been getting general ADHD medication and counseling for past trauma.
Most videos I've seen on dealing with hoarders don't offer much help beyond "be patient". That's difficult when you're being directly affected by the hoard. If it is bad enough to require a forced cleanup, I would suggest discussing this with a lawyer or a professional cleanup agency. See what you can do about your own mental health too. I know firsthand how destructive this can be.
Don't we have the right to a clean space
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I agree with. In your case and in mine, we endure DECADES of mess, yet we're supposed to feel awful when we've had enough of the asking, the tiptoeing, the useless communicating and finally throw some things out or organize the space? Why? We gave them endless opportunities to work with us and what we're asking isn't even close to unreasonable. It's unreasonable to yell at us when we finally draw a line in the sand after years of being treated like the garbage climbing the walls of his room.
Sorry. Got a little worked up. Still true though.
From time to time, I would throw things out without telling my husband. He rarely noticed. Once I did clean up his "room," storing everything in boxes. Years passed and he never opened those boxes. That's how important all the stuff was. The room went right back to disastrous within months. He grumbled a little, but didn't really care since I'd kept most of the stuff (except the HUNDREDS of half-empty pop cans, water bottles, food wrappers, etc.).