Hello Everyone,
Grateful for this group, it's given me perspective on how the non-ADHD partner feels. I'm the ADD wife, partner to a non-ADHD (logical, pragmatic,focused). We have amazing chemistry, but I'm now learning that is not enough. My husband and I are very close to getting a divorce at this point. He can't stand to be with someone who can't remember conversations, doesn't know how to be present, and get's defensive when asked to do something I've been told repeatedly before. Does anyone know what effectively works in communicating w/ my spouse? I've tried ADHD coach and stimulants (he hated how emotionally blunt/apathetic I became)...So my questions are also tailored to people with ADD who can effectively communicate- what strategies made that effective? If it's not even possible, I'll get divorced now and save him from having to deal with this, I just need to know... It's not an anger issue for me, I don't get angry. I'm about to start Strattera, hoping that could help with conversations.
Please focus on the communication as other issues are not the deal breaker- we both contribute equally financially, we set aside every week to date each other, & we're equally divided in the chores...none of this changes the fact that I forget details of conversations. I have no doubt that if someone were to fire me questions about my spouse, I would do a very good job of answering them accurately (he agrees to this). Despite agreeing to this, he repeatedly says how he feels like I don't even know him after all these years, feels like we're talking for the first time. It's like the movie 50 First Dates every day.
Thanks for your help, much appreciated
Have you tried Melissa's course?
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It sounds like you're trying incredibly hard to me and also managing the ADHD very well in most areas. Could you take notes during important conversations? Maybe repeat back or paraphrase things your husband says so he understands you've heard him and taken it in? Perhaps the Strattera will help too, so it makes sense to give that some time. I don't know if you've tried meditation, but I feel it really clears my head of clutter (admittedly I am not the ADHD partner though) so I can focus just on what's in front of me immediately after. Is time of day playing a factor at all (e.g. if your dates are at night, is your brain a little overloaded after work and a busy day by then?). I wonder if even though you don't struggle as a couple in other areas if Melissa's course could benefit you both--she might have some strategies for your specific situation and your husband might gain some empathy for just how hard you're working to be a great partner to him.
All the best. Hopefully someone else will chime in.
Thank you for taking the time
Submitted by Unicorn44 on
Thank you for taking the time, and your thoughtful response. The note taking is really important- I've wanted to implement the bullet journal, but I haven't yet. I also agree that meditation could be beneficial, giving me a clearer mind, and greater ability to focus on the present moment. Tomorrow, I will tackle the note taking and meditation, so thank you.
Side note: I think having ADD left me with some social deficits that have built up over time, that I haven't been fully aware of...I think I would benefit from learning how to listen and be empathetic ( I was reading we are not born with these traits, they develop over time, and I think people with ADHD miss a lot of subtle teaching moments in life). Maybe some basic book reading on this could help?
In regards to Melissa's course, yes we just finished it. It hit really close to home. I really appreciated her moments of candor, as I needed to hear things in a way that would make me recognize the severity of the problem to even be aware of the need to change...I'm very grateful to her for this. Perhaps I will reach out to her via email after I've implemented these strategies to see where I'm still struggling...
I don't know if you do this
Submitted by Dagmar on
But because of ADHD, my husband never gave updates on things. If he was working on something, he wouldn't discuss it until it was finished. For me, on my end, I never knew if he had forgotten to do whatever task he was working on or if he was doing it and not telling me. Of course, I would follow up with him and if he was working on it, he would get annoyed that I was nagging him and if he wasn't, he would be embarrassed that he forgot and not say anything. Either way, I wouldn't get an answer and would be concerned he wasn't doing what he was supposed to and angry that he wouldn't talk to me.
I have finally convinced him that I need updates. Did you make a call to someone but didn't get a return call? I need to know! Did you forget to pay the bill and now need to pay it AND a penalty? I need to know! Do you have to work late? I need to know as soon as you do! Calling me when you're about to leave is too late. If you don't know how late you will be, that's fine, just tell me that! You don't need to have concrete answers, I just need to know that something is happening.
I don't know if that's your situation, but I know that a lot of frustration is missing from my life now that my husband has been updating me on things. Don't assume anything except that he doesn't know what you're thinking and needs you to tell him.
You are a smart lady. This is
Submitted by Unicorn44 on
You are a smart lady. This is EXACTLY one of our problems. I'll withhold updates along the way, usually assuming I already told him or he knows... Or with ADD, I'll think I need to focus on the end result (ie action) since it's so hard to be relied upon in the first place to see something through...We'll get in arguments and I'll break down my frustration, and we'll sometimes realize that we both started out with a different set of 'facts'. He says 'I suck at communication in general.' I'm having a really hard time fixing it, as I don't recognize my communication deficits, just know I've been told I have them. Coming from someone else, it gets understood so differently. Thank you!! Any other tips?!
Response from Non ADHD Spouse
Submitted by C-love (not verified) on
Hi Unicorn44,
I am the Non ADHD spouse now married almost 3 years with my husband recently diagnosed. He is on Stratterra and we are just now finding the right combo. I have become for over a year a person I havent liked. Every single description you read in Melissa's book or on this forum of the Non ADHD spouse is exactly what has happened. I am not sure my perspective will help or not. I can only tell you the way your husband feels is exactly the way I felt for a very long time. I thought of Divorce a lot this last year. The things your husband is annoyed at you for are things that make up your Symptoms. Until he can come to terms with the fact that you can try all kinds of things suggested but at the end of the day you have ADHD/ADD. The acceptance of that is the only way it works. Yesterday I took it upon myself to plan a fun date. The day couldnt have been better. At the end of the night we were singing silly songs together and he made up one that sounded like this "Blame it on the ADHD baby but I try and try and I am still not her kind of guy". It literally broke my heart. Maybe its been the last few months that its clicked but I need to accept my husband just for who he is and love him with Mercy and Grace. He didnt ask for this brain. The only way it works in my opinion is your husband is going to have to give you Grace, Patience and Acceptance. The marriage isnt going to look the way he planned it. The only thing you can do is affirm his feelings, try and empathize and then tell him what your willing to do. Letting him know your sorry you cannot do marriage the way others can with other types of brains resignated with me. I kept taking my husbands actions personally. Maybe having your husband read this post? Read these suggestions? Does he see your heart and hurting? I didnt for years.
I am not sure it helps at all but wishing you all the best. Prayers for you both.
Cortney
One other tip....
Submitted by c ur self on
Some times add or not, we may have a faulty view of marriage in general.. Especially when it comes to communication....It takes knowing we are one, (Interdependent) and trusting we can be totally honest w/o defensiveness etc...
..."We are one flesh and we should be able to share all things, (plans, info. bodies, etc)...And your original post said...Defensiveness when the questions start about the facts of previous conversations....???... Think about this dynamic?
We add/adhd minds MUST recognize, the reality of short time memory (recall) issues that DOES effect him (us)...So can I humble myself, (not treat my real issue like it's not to be recognized??) and kindly hear him, and believe him, when he updates me about what was said in past conversation...Just laying down any kind of defensive spirit, truly helps us...(My wife is the same high level add, on adderall)....I am human, I can forget also, but, I remember facts much better than she does...But to attempt to clear it up calmly when my words are meet w/ a defensive spirit, is a tragedy for US and our marriage....
Love should make us real....Love should also make a peaceful way, even when it's difficult....
If she and I can't both swallow the pride thing, recognize the reality of our minds, and share as best as possibly with in the framework of what is possible for us two, then communication suffers...
Blessings
c