Hi All, hope we all have ADHD free days in 2010 at least at least symptom wise.................
I am in my late thirties and after a life where I felt I was a cat held by it's tail and slammed around walls and objects for 30+ years. After being bloodied I reached a point where things became impossible literally, I was paralyzed most of the time ADD has reached it's peak with me and that is when I self-diagnosed after countless hours of confusion, fear and finally internet search where i put simply the highlights of my life hoping in utter desperation to find somebody else in the world who is riding this odd but powerful coaster called life with untreated ADD (did not know then). I lost job after job and things became as ugly as they can get and I became a bit suicidal, not that I would do it but it seemed very cool and logical. When you feel helpless and I mean extreme helplessnes the world will different.
Having said that, I finally got my medication and slowly but surely things got better gradually. But I woke up in a huge pile of disasters, career, money (in debt), marriage, things that need massive energy and time to restore if possible. Now things with my wife were getting bad to worse partly because of my symptoms, laziness around the house, no job etc.....which is sadly the case many times.
I see myself as a big hero, knowing where I was and where I put myself after a lot of hard work and tough days and self diagnosis. Now I am happy like never before, i have life before diagnosis and after, things in between like marriage, school etc,....don't count much at least not relatively as I was consumed by this disease. My wife witnesses all this and even if she has the right to be pissed off after 4 year marriage I thought it would be ok for her to show some compassion, and a tiny bit of understanding of my very painful and fragile mental situation while she knew about ADD by then and the symptoms.
For the past 6 months when I was going through the difficult process of learning about this weird mess and taking meds that had ugly side effects until Adderal saved the day, she showed zero emotion, understading, I needed to talk about my case with somebody who knew me well to compare notes regardign meds and their effect etc.... Sometimes going through this is tough and a person might need support, by this I mean minimal like my wife giving 20 mins a week not more to talk my heart out explain what the real deal is and try to get better. I think as a human who fought to get better, not like other husbands i hear cant be bothered ..... living in a city where my social contacts are limited and going through sometimes weak moments I thought my frustrated wife (and she is right in being that way) could show a tiny bit of compassion and understanding and really believing that my failures were due to my severe ADD that made an employee with "one eye and one ear" and that now things will be better.
So for month she just left me there and everytime I felt like sharing my feelings about this she shut me off saying go and talk to your friends and family I do not want to have anything to do with it even when I almost begged. she shut me off completely and all is needed was 20 mins a week and that hurt very much. I wasnt a guy who saw his son with it and said OMG! i paid a huge price.
Now is this normal? I dont think so even though i realize i was a pain. i mean what is a wife for if she cannot give minimal support to a partner who is really suffering and scared about what is going on with his brain and who is reliving so many painful events with a new eye. I think marriage is a load of BS if a partner after seeing that the man is trying to get better, he is fighting to get his drs appointment asap so he can take meds and stop this freefall and his wife for months just treats him like an old rag while he is begging for a hug and a word of encouragement nothing more once a week of so for a few short minutes.
I think she does not deserve me and i need somebody more human.
HNY!!!!
Does your wife deserve you?
Submitted by Aspen on
I guarantee that neither of you *deserved* to spend almost 4 miserable years with unmedicated AD/HD buffetting you around. You are now ready to take it on, and I cannot applaud you enough for it. I do not understand how you feeling coming out of this fog for the first time, but I can only imagine the hope and relief that you would finally be feeling after so many dark nights.
Not having lived in your situation, I cannot speak to how thorough and complete your statements are with regard to your's wife response to your ADD. Having personally dealt with a husband going through the process of getting an ADD diagnosis after 5 years of marriage, I suspect that your perception is not the entire story.
You are now seeing yourself as a great hero since you are doing so much better personally, but your wife is likely looking at the whole of the wreckage of your life and she may well be seeing you as the destroyer. You say, "My wife witnesses all this and even if she has the right to be pissed off after 4 year marriage I thought it would be ok for her to show some compassion, and a tiny bit of understanding of my very painful and fragile mental situation while she knew about ADD by then and the symptoms."
You are saying she showed you no compassion or help or encouragement at all. If someone were to ask her, would her words agree with what you're saying here? Cause if they would, you may not have a marriage left to save. She may be done with you and your issues and be totally over it. If that is the case, I think it is sad and hope that she finds a way to start rebuilding your marriage together with you. She may be supporting you as well as she can while she grieves over the disaster that her life has become too.
I know one of the things I get upset about with my husband is what I call his "best case scenario" thinking. Optimism is great, but when you only consider positive outcomes and never prepare for negative ones it can cause a lot of frustration. I see some of this in you...for example you are a "big hero" while surrounded by a wrecked marriage, finances, career.
Don't get me wrong, I think you deserve credit for getting where you've gotten, and I do think some of this credit should be coming from a wife who loves you and supports you. But I would not be looking at you as my big hero... I can assure you of that. Sorry but you did ask for honest opinions.
To be fair, big hero is within your grasp, but it would have to involve getting those messes cleaned up. So far you've worked hard and done well, but who has really benefitted so far? Just you. You are happy, you are not in a fog, you are not overwhelmed. But you haven't yet done anything that improves things for the people around you. Yes these steps you took were necessary to get there, but now you have to keep walking the walk and put the same effort into rebuilding what was inadvertantly destroyed.
You yourself have said that
Submitted by brooks30 on
You yourself have said that you wern't able to keep a job, the finances are a mess and untreated ADHD in itself is very difficult to deal with ...for BOTH partners.
You wife, I assume, has been the one keeping everything afloat mostly without your help. Now that you have recognized your ADHD and are working so hard to treat (which is absolutely fantastic by the way), I bet a huge part of her wants you to take care of that respoinsibilty. Remember, she has been taking care of herself, you, your marriage and your home for the majority of 4 years. She is tired...a kind of tired I (with respect) don't think ADHDers can grasp. For her, I bet she wants you to take care of this since it is taking care of yourself for the first time in the marriage.
With that being said, when my ADHDer (that I have since left) started working on treating his ADHD I did provide those notes and support. However, just with everything else he stopped working hard on it and once again, it was another aspect in our life I took over (remembering his appointments, reminding him to take meds, planning our food so it includes all the vitamins he needed, etc. etc. etc.). But each relationship is different...
I think you are making great progess but when it comes to your wife I will suggest to you something that has been suggested on this site before...ask her why she won't take the 20 minutes and LISTEN to what she has to say. Then follow up with "on a scale of 1-10 how important do you think my treating my ADHD is?" If she says 10 then she for sure cares and just needs to really know your commitment. If she says ANYTHING less than that, then she may just be done with the relationship and doesn't want to work on it any harder.
At the end of the day you can read all of our comments but you won't know anything until you calmy talk to your wife. Whenever my ADHDer needed to talk to me he would make a list of notes beforehand so he could keep his main points and thoughts straight.
Good luck to you and CONGRATULATIONS on your treatment.
Subjective vs Objective
Submitted by pogo on
Hi,
I too have ADD. I have had it all my life but didn't get diagnosed until about 10 years ago. When I started to take medication for it, I was amazed at the difference they made. Before meds, I was subject to fuzzy thinking. After the meds kicked in, I felt that my thinking was SHARP, and I felt like I could finally get things under control.
The thing is, your life and your adaptations to ADD are like an onion: lots of layers. At first I thought I was seeing everything just as clearly as those non-ADD people around me. But after a while, I discovered that there were still fuzzy areas. What I had thought was SHARP turned out to only be sharp when compared to my unmedicated self.
I found that I had habits and coping techniques (that I had worked out while I had full-blown ADD) that made my life livable. Just taking the meds helped me to see that these habits and techniques were getting in the way. BUT changing the habits and discarding the techniques turned out to be VERY HARD.
As I made progress (with lots of backsliding and pressure from my wife) I found that I could peel back some of the onion, but comments from others made me aware that I still was not SHARP, just sharper.
One thing that helped was to experiment with different medications (with my psychiatrist's help). I started taking Ritilan. Then I changed to Concerta. We added Prozac which worked for a while but didn't quite help enough. I know that these med changes were having an effect only because my wife told me so. I could not see the changes and "didn't feel any different". I didn't perceive that I was doing things differently, but my wife saw the difference.
My doctor suggested Welbutrin and I agreed to try it. My wife saw some improvement on a lower dose, but it still wasn't doing the job. When I moved up to the next dosing level, I saw a dramatic change in my self-perception and my wife reported the same thing. The amazing thing is that I could remember just how fuzzy my thinking had been the day before the change and could see the difference myself.
So today I find myself much sharper than when I was un-medicated. At each stage of my journey, I felt SHARP only to find after a while that I was just sharper and I still had lots of work to do. My onion is still substantial but I have made significant progress and even my wife would agree with this assessment. (I know because I ask her for feedback.)
The real point is that I find it to be VERY HARD to be Objective about my own progress. Subjectively I feel terrific about the progress I am making. Unfortunately I have such a long way to go that what I experience as Giant Steps are really Baby Steps. Just as you are, I am happy like never before, but I also realize that to the folks around me, I have changed only a little and sometimes they don't see my changes as permenant or big.
SO, my advise to you is to keep your confidence, to realize that you are on a good path forward but don't expect others to put their trust in your ability to change until they have a good long baseline to refer to. I have been working on this for 10 years and still have a long way to go. You need to give others the time they need to understand the big changes you are making and you need to get their feedback so that you can measure your progress Objectively.
Keep up the good work. I hope this helps,
-Pogo
great post
Submitted by brendab on
Pogo,
You are incredibly wise to recognize that it is "VERY HARD to be Objective about my own progress". I remember going through my divorce and getting very tired of hearing about how I needed several years to heal. I thought I was doing great in several months, but now that I have been divorced for 2.5 years I realize that I wasn't objective about my progress either. What i thought was great progress in a year was just a little progress but at least I was making progress!
I wish other ADD people could post like you because it gave me a fresh way to understand life from your perspective. Please share more with us.
brenda
Communication issues?
Submitted by BreadBaker on
Speaking as a non-ADD spouse, I know that my husband and I have severe communication issues. That situation hasn't really improved since we separated some months ago, but the point is that when we were together, we would often have much different "stories" about the same event or conversation. Are you *sure* that you're asking her, clearly, for some of her time, understanding, etc.? I don't mean to sound condescending here--it's just that ADDers and non-ADDers have much different concepts of what constitutes effective communication, and even reality. My husband wouldn't notice entire sentences I would say, and would often think we had talked over some rather important issues that he had, in fact, never brought up.
For instance, personally, I would be thrilled if my husband would come to me and talk about his progress with his ADD. For all I know, he thinks he *has* told me about it, or has asked if we could talk about it--but the truth is that he hasn't. And, then, for all I know, he's off telling people that he tries to talk with me about it, but I'm being "mean" and won't listen . . . when he actually hasn't tried at all. Result: I get blamed for not being compassionate and understanding, when I wasn't even given the opportunity. Often, it feels as though I'm purposely *not* given the opportunity for this sort of thing, just so I *can* be blamed and made to look like the baddie, but perhaps that a misperception on my part (even though it certainly *feels* true).
The other possibility is that your wife may be waiting for significant action and effort, not just words. I know that, for my part, while I would love to hear my husband tell me about his coming to terms with his ADD (which, as far as I know, he hasn't) and how it almost single-handedly destroyed our marriage (ditto), it would mean far more to me to *see* him working on himself and making amends to me for the great wrongs committed by his ADD-inspired actions (or, more often, inactions) over the past several years. I'm worn out, horribly hurt, and several areas of my life have been significantly (and perhaps irreparably) damaged due to his disorder.
I do see him trying, in his way, to fix things, but the attempts seem like formalities or obligations, or actions performed out of guilt. There's no love, no warmth, in anything. I'm quite certain he would disagree with these observations, but this is how things are right now. I'm not a wife--I'm a bill to be paid.
Sadly, that's what it's like
Submitted by Clarity on
Sadly, that's what it's like here too. I've said I'm like a toaster. There are some attempts at affection but, it seems self serving and not genuine. Who wants affection from someone who can turn on you so quickly? I'm always explaining myself in politically correct ways so as not to upset him. I can't help but feel like I will just be misunderstood or disappointed again. We are really never on the same page.
That's exactly it
Submitted by BreadBaker on
I tip-toed around my husband, too. His inattention would mean that things would be neglected, broken, forgotten, and (particularly in the case of me) hurt, but I wasn't "allowed" to say anything. If I did, I would be labeled "mean" for pointing things out, such as getting physically hurt in casual interactions (for example, my feet would be stepped on and I would be told that he didn't do it [??!], when he would try to pet my hair he'd pull it until my head hurt, I would be hugged until my ribs hurt--I appreciated the hugs, but the pain, not so much--etc.).
I used to tell my husband that I couldn't understand how he could turn off his emotions like a spigot. He would be kind and sweet and understanding one minute, and cold and entirely uncaring the next. I see it even from afar as we're separated. Some days he's downright chatty and nice, and other days he treats me like his parole officer.
I'm so worn down from the conflicting messages, the emotional abandonment, and the other effects of his disorder on our marriage that I began the process of separating myself from him, emotionally, some time ago. It feels like trying to slowly saw off a limb, but I've made progress. My husband is very deep in denial, and is seeing a therapist who doesn't understand his condition. She denies the damage done by his ADD, and instead blames everything back on me--which, in turn, encourages him to do likewise. To me and a therapist who I consult who *does* understand ADD, it's very clear what's going on, but my husband keeps his blinders on. It could be because of the condition, or it could be because he understands just enough to see a little of what happened and is frightened to know the full truth (I suspect the latter--he is, outside of his severe ADD, a very kind-hearted person and extremely sensitive--it would devastate him to know, fully, how his condition ruined our marriage, and large swaths of my life; that doesn't excuse the fact that he *does* need to know this in order to address it properly).
All of my love, patience, and understanding will not change any of this. I've tried everything I know, and nothing helps. Actually, it just gets worse as he gets further mired in his own denial--more painful for me as I see him blaming me to family and friends for everything his condition did. I love my husband dearly, and I do see occasional (ok, rare) glimpses of understanding from him, but it's time for me to distance myself in a permanent fashion before I bleed to death.
Emotional hot and cold
Submitted by Jeannie on
Did you see any correlation between real life events and your husband's on and off emotions and attentions? My ex would become very nice to me whenever he wanted to be intimate. Then not so nice the rest of the time. It was like clockwork. He also would become extremely difficult to be around when certain family members would be coming to visit us. Riding in a car with him was extremely pleasant when we were dating. After we were married, it was always a fight. I do realize now that I did contribute to some of that behavior because I would try to talk to him about important things in the car since he was rarely home or available to me when we weren't in the car to discuss matters that we needed to discuss. That seemed like my only time to have a little time alone with him. These are just some of the moments that I remember when his behavior became extreme. He still would go off in the evening (or even during the day) at the drop of a hat. We could be having a nice conversation then suddenly he would just explode or become mean and condenscending. I learned to just get up and leave in avoidance of him. I spent much of my 25 plus years of marriage avoiding him, not knowing what was wrong with him. Even after he was diagnosed, he didn't get better. In fact, he got worse.
Some correlations . . .
Submitted by BreadBaker on
He would be extremely nice in "crisis mode" or times of high anxiety, big problems, etc. In fact, he was easiest to live with during these times. Once the emergency had passed, though, he would fall back into refusing to talk about difficult subjects or anything more important to me than him, and would submerge himself in his work and what interested him while he would leave all of the details of everyday life to me.
Conversations, unless they were about light, inconsequential topics, or things that *he* liked and *he* wanted, would take nasty turns without any warning. I couldn't really have a conversation about any weighty subject (pleasant or unpleasant topic--didn't matter). He would emotionally shut down, go into Ice King mode (no warmth, and he would smirk at me when I got upset, claiming I was "faking it" or "manipulating him") and either refuse to talk or veto anything that he didn't want. There was zero compromise. He had everything his way, and he would complain that he had to "defend what was his" so my life wouldn't entirely engulf his. When he would take this tack, I would generally end up looking at him like he had a screw loose (remember--this is before we knew about the ADD, so please be kind--I thought he was just being a jerk; I'm not entirely certain that he wasn't). My life was bled dry. He would just take and take and take, and throw crumbs my way, and then be nasty when I complained that I was starving to death while he had everything he had ever wanted and more.
I should note that I had to initiate almost all conversations, about all things--easy subjects, difficult subjects, you name it. He really would just plug into his own little world and ignore me and everything else around him unless I begged him to interact. I seldom remember him at any point in the last few years even saying my name or calling me by a nickname or a term of endearment.
I do miss him--or, more to the point, the early him and the potential we had as a couple--but the more he's away, the more I want him to stay away. A person can take only so much crazy-making.
You wanted it brutal...
Submitted by ariel on
You sound so much like my husband. You simply don't understand what you and your ADHD did to your wife.
My marriage was the darkest period of my life. I stopped having fun from my life. There were far too many responsibilities: bills, finances, household chores, a little baby, grad school... all my responsibilities and NO help from my husband. It was like having another baby in the house, credit-card-wielding, car-driving 30+ year old baby, who felt he deserves a huge round of applause for any single small thing he did. Who felt like his wife owes him something all the time (attention, help, etc...) and who would blame her for every single failure of his. It was so frustrating for me to nag, scream, cry for hours to get elementary things done. It was so frustrating to be blamed for everything. As I said my life turned black. This is not something which is easy to forgive or forget. I did not marry him to carry him on my back all my life. I wanted a partner, who would do his share of responsibilities.
And yes, I tend to shut off my husband a lot. I do not have 20 minutes a week for him. Because that is ANOTHER 20 minutes of MY time and I have just ONE life. Ironically, my marriage is four year old too and it will not live till five. I am done with my husband and his ADHD. I deserve something better.
Agree, but with a suggestion
Submitted by phoenixgirl78 on
As I read your account, I mainly saw things from your wife's perspective. I think maybe I've just heard my husband's disparate view of things too many times, so I read between the lines. But here's what I see:
After years of being thrown around, as you put it, you're finally straightening up and flying right. Which does take a huge amount of effort and deserves a nod. But if it was that hard for you, think how hard it's been for your wife! She got flung around with you, but she also had to suffer your reactions to being flung around. She saw finances and job prospects crumble. And she has, over the past four years, probably wondered what kind of future you two could ever have together, from a practical standpoint. (As in, will we ever be out of debt, have savings, survive in retirement?)
I'm guessing she is at least as threadbare as you are, emotionally. And now you need her to be supportive even more. Which I'm not faulting you for -- it's understandable that you'd turn to your partner for help and support -- but it's still asking something of someone who has nothing left to give. And, not to be mean, but she's stuck by you through some pretty terrible-sounding times when a lot of other women would have left.
There is a distinct problem with small-term grandiosity in ADDers, I find. Tim thinks he's really turned a corner on something (like smoking) and when I finally force him to use real measurements (like counting cigarettes) he finds out just how off he's been. You say you see yourself as a big hero. And you are -- to yourself. To your wife, this is another step in a long series of neediness. Understandable neediness, I should point out. But neediness all the same.
The good news is: You clearly haven't lost her yet. She's tired and clearly a little bitter, but she's also not leaving. She's simply trying to communicate her needs to you: I can't help you right now. She needs to save something for herself. Women have a tendency to give all they have and then there's nothing left over to replenish themselves with.
So, here would be my suggestion for things you can do to get her in a better frame of mind:
1. Go through every room in the houes and make a note of chores/errands that were needed to keep things going. Then figure out which she did (it's probably more than you realize; if Tim does something twice, he thinks he does it all the time) and write it up in a big list of things you're grateful for. End with "being my partner even when it hurt/cost you" "still being here after all this time so I can make it up to you." Or something in that vein. This will give her some much-needed acknowledgement. Women are willing to do a helluva lot more than needed if someone is there to tell them he's grateful.
2. Make up a list of all the things you know you've messed up on. Don't dwell on it. I know you're feeling very fragile and so this will be hard to face. But you mentioned a few things in this post. So basically make note of these items but don't sit there and hate yourself about them. That's wasted energy, and you're going to be working on these, which will need to be your mantra for awhile to come. If you show this to her, she'll probably feel a lot better, realizing that you know how much of a role you've played in getting to this point. (And, yes, I'm sure you think she knows. I'm sure you have tried to tell her. But assume it hasn't gotten through. Use plain language. Even if she did understand the first time, it will help to see it in contrast to what you know she's done.)
3. Ask what she needs. Tell her you don't need it right now. It would be better if she made a list (with specifics! Tim is always getting on me about not being specific enough, which can be overwhelming for ADDers) of what she needs from you physically and emotionally. This will give her a chance to figure out exactly what she's angry about (that you can actually do something about) and what you can do to help.
4. Look at the list for a bit and figure out what you can REALISTICALLY do to help out. On the things you can't do, tell her gently but honestly. something like, "I know you need this, but I am also still learning my limits and I don't want to promise something I can't come through on." If you do take something on, be sure to work through with her exactly what it entails. If she wants you to listen to her more -- and I'm guessing that will be a biggie -- ask about scheduling a specific time during the day. Turn off the TV or other distractions. Just concentrate on her.
5. Take your problems to your friends and, if you have insurance, a therapist. If not, a minister is good too. Or find a sliding scale therapist. Just type in "sliding scale therapy" and your location into a search engine. You should get some leads. You can also call a few community centers or the Dept of Health and see if they have lists. If you can take some of your problems to someone besides your wife, it will make a big impact on her stress levels. Then you can come home and tell her what you guys talked about in relation to coping with your ADD and/or tentative plans for the future. If you bring some of these things to her as potential solutions, rather than problems she needs to solve, she will notice. Big time.
6. Encourage her to find someone to talk to. Tell her to check out this blog or one like it. Or find a local support group. Explain that you want to be there for her, but that you also are undergoing a fair amount of emotional stress yourself. That you will try to hear her and be there for her as much as possible, but you're still working on a lot of things. Meanwhile, you want her to find a place where people can be there for her, see things from just her perspective. Where she can get support/vent her frustrations without worrying about hurting feelings.
7. Find out what you *can* talk to her about. You want to share your journey with her, but she may just be afraid you're bringing her more problems to fix. So ask what parts of your journey she does want to hear about. What would help her see that you'er making progress, understand the conclusions you're coming to, etc. This way, you can share some of your triumphs without her shutting you out. You may also want to schedule these discussions. That way, you don't have to worry about her not having time when you want to talk about it, which will further your feelings of rejection.
8. Work on your self-esteem. Long, long goal, obviously. But this is vital for a healthy marriage. Because you probably will end up in counseling of some sort. And even if you don't, you're going to end up hearing about things you did wrong/are doing wrong. Or, put a better way, are hurtful to her and damage your relationship. It's hard for any of us to hear critiques. And that's why it's also important that she get most of her vehemence out in another arena. So rather than yell at you, she can approach you calmly with a list of things she needs you to hear/work on/etc.
9. If miscommunication is an issue (and it sounds like it's a pretty common one, based on this board) consider doing the slightly cheesy but helpful thing: repeat it back. When she says something that she needs you to do or something you need to work on, rephrase it in your own words, as you understand it. This could forestall problems in the future. "If I understand you right, you are saying that I ask too much from you emotionally when I am trying to tell you about the work I'm doing on myself." If she says yes, then you say, "What do I say that makes you feel tihs way? How can I tell you about my work without making you feel I'm asking for help?" It's cheesy and you may even feel a little silly doing it. But it does help.
Your post made me cry
Submitted by BreadBaker on
In a good way. This was very well put, phoenixgirl78. We ADD spouses have holes in our hearts, spaces where these items are lacking. We often give far too much, and it's overwhelming to us to note how little we have left for ourselves. Thank you for posting this. Again, well put.
Well...you asked for honesty...
Submitted by FabTemp on
You didn't work, clean, cook, hold the household together, ever take care of the kids (if you have anything), plan anything, enact anything or, really, do much of anything for four years. The real "big hero" was the one who was doing all of that FOR you for all of that time. You now want MORE from this person and demand to know where she's been all this time while you've managed to latch onto a theory as to why she had to give you so much over the past four years.
I cannot speak for her, obviously, but it sounds like she's telling you that you have overdrawn your co-dependence account. These conversations are likely very painful for her while she listens to you excitedly rationalize away the reason why you drove her life into hell.
Calling yourself a "big hero" for this discovery to the one person whose superhuman efforts to keep your life going is one the biggest slaps in the face you could have ever delivered to her. Remember that all the time that she was lying on the ground bleeding to death of a thousand little cuts for each and every time you let her down, you showed not only no sympathy or compassion for her plight, but you swung the razor to deliver even more cuts.
Find yourself another sounding board for your self-congratulations. She's all out of back pats for you at this time. If you aren't living in a cardboard box right now and haven't during the time you've been married to her and you weren't living on cold canned beans, those WERE your support and compassion.
WOW! Brutal, but honest. I
Submitted by newfdogswife on
WOW! Brutal, but honest. I have to say that sometimes I feel the same way.
Are these "brutally honest comments" helping?
Submitted by ADD.divorcee on
I'm wondering how you're feeling now. Your post seemed to have resonated with many others here, and I think you received some excellent advice and comments. It would be nice to know how you're doing.
I think the following comment, taken directly from your post, is extremely important, not only for you, but it may give you a hint as to why your wife has been unresponsive to your needs and requests for some of her time:
"...and things became as ugly as they can get, and I became a bit suicidal, not that I would do it but it seemed very cool and logical..."
What does "a bit suicidal" mean? And if I were in any type of relationship whereby my partner referred to suicide, even in passing, as "...very cool and logical", I'd be petrified for both of us. I wouldn't want the responsibility of deciding whether the other person's comment was "real". Perhaps, your wife is feeling some relief now that you are on a path to better health.
From experience, and as an ADD female, I can tell you that it is a long journey, with many twists and turns. If your wife wants to continue in your marriage, I think it's unrealistic for you to expect her to show any enthusiasm after just six months.
Please keep reading, and please post again. I know I'd like an update on how you're doing.
All the best,
Talk to a psychologist,
Submitted by Clarity on
a therapist, a clergy, find an ADD coach. That's what I've asked my ADDer to do. After 6 months upstairs I still have nothing to give him. He thinks his medication is enough and doesn't want to just "go and talk" to someone else, he wants to talk to me. He still doesn't realize that I'm not trained or qualified and I just can't "deal with it" anymore. He needs to do more than just talk. Our lives have been dictated by his ADD and there is nothing left of me. Just today he said he may as well put a gun in his mouth and pull the trigger. Is that just a bit suicidal? Should that make me want to talk to him? What do I do now? Do I call 911? I have to hope he doesn't actually do it. I'm just not understanding, he doesn't want any help from a therapist yet, he's crying out for help by talking about putting a gun in his mouth? I'm hoping it's just more of his talk... this is awful!
Do I call 911?
Submitted by brendab on
When I was going through something similar I was told it could be serious or just manipulation. So I would tell him NOW that if he says anything like this again, you WILL call 911. If he is manipulating you, he won't do it again. If he wants to test you to see if you will do as you say, then DO it. If he's seriously going to do something, then you've done what you can to help him.
Brenda