I have been dating an ADHD guy for 6 months. He was diagnosed 6 years ago, in his late 20s. Since then he took Ritalin from time to time, like when he has an interview, etc. A month ago, he started Adderall, at 10mg a day, but he only took it on “as needed” basis (not the doctor’s order) – i.e. whenever he needs to give a presentation at work. On the days that he does need to give a presentation, he usually stays up all night to prepare, pops a pill in the morning then during lunch. I thought things were going well in the first week, until the burst of rage, name calling, insult, belittling.
His family was in town for a week. On the first night they arrived (one day earlier than planned, which I didn’t know), he invited to dinner with them last minute. Since I had plans that day with my friends already, I just said “ have a good time with ur folks, I will see them this weekend. I will be out with my friends tonight”. He told me to tell him where I was going, to which I didn’t reply precisely, because I didn’t know. Then I didn’t check my phone for 2 hrs when I was out. The amount of verbal abuse over the text as astonishing when I did check my messages close to mid-night, calling me a selfish idiot, having a sex orgy, untrustworthy, making him homeless – because he needed a place to stay having given his apt to his parents for their stay. Saying he could not trust me at all, because he has told me about this for 2 weeks. And then, when I went home, he was just sitting there like a zombie at my apartment lobby. This was the adderall day.
Since that incident, I tried to avoid seeing him on his adderall days, but his mood, anger, distrust were all getting out of control. One night, after his folks took us to dinner, where his dad treated us, he threw a rage at me after the dinner for not having gestured to pick up the check (I had done that for our previous dinner with the family and his dad repeated said he will treat us back). That night, he said I don’t think this is going to work out, to which I replied “sure, fine. bye” The second day, he bought flowers.
He became extremely difficult to please, nothing I do is right. I am on constant fear of when he will blow up next. I helped with his presentation one night, towards the end, he said, just leave it, I will deal with it. Second day he said I had committed an “unheard of career sabotage” – because I didn’t finish his slides for him. That morning, he needed me to wake him up at 5am, I woke up to his 4:50 alarm, which I then turned off, made him coffee (which he asked for the night before) then woke him up at 5. He was outraged, because I had turned off his alarm. He also thinks I am putting stuff in his food/drinks to kill him and pin it on his ex so she gets deported.
The past weekend, I went to DC, didn’t answer his texts for 8 hours, partly scared of what I would see after all the outburst before and partly because I was busy with my god son’s bday party. I eventually checked his messages (which he repeated in all means of electronic communication, email, text, instant msg apps), snapping a picture of DC sent it over snapchat. He again threw a rage, saying I intentionally put the picture timer to be 3 seconds instead of my usual 10s to deceive him, that I think he is dumb and that “my shady behavior disgusts him and that I make it impossible for him to trust me.” When he asked me Sunday afternoon “when are you coming back” to which I replied “7:30”, he again blasted me because I didn’t specify “am/pm” and said “why is it a scuffle just to ask simple information, that I turn every interaction with him into a scuffle, and he doesn’t have energy to scuffle with me and can’t stand it anymore and I need to drastically change my behavior.”
I am lost and second guess everything I do myself, even when he is not around. The other day, when my friend offered me a dab of hand cream and when I reached out my hand to receive it after 5 seconds (after finishing a text), I caught myself thinking, omg I hope she is wont get angry and yell at me (of course my friend would never do that), I should have put out my hand quicker… I am so sorry…
I am scared at this point. I don’t know if it’s ADHD, the adderall, other issues or just the person.
Your future is my life story.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Your future is my life story. You do not want that future.
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His family was in town for a week. On the first night they arrived (one day earlier than planned, which I didn’t know), he invited to dinner with them last minute. Since I had plans that day with my friends already, I just said “ have a good time with ur folks, I will see them this weekend. I will be out with my friends tonight”. He told me to tell him where I was going, to which I didn’t reply precisely, because I didn’t know. Then I didn’t check my phone for 2 hrs when I was out. The amount of verbal abuse over the text as astonishing when I did check my messages close to mid-night, calling me a selfish idiot, having a sex orgy, untrustworthy, making him homeless – because he needed a place to stay having given his apt to his parents for their stay. Saying he could not trust me at all, because he has told me about this for 2 weeks. And then, when I went home, he was just sitting there like a zombie at my apartment lobby. This was the adderall day.
Since that incident, I tried to avoid seeing him on his adderall days, but his mood, anger, distrust were all getting out of control. One night, after his folks took us to dinner, where his dad treated us, he threw a rage at me after the dinner for not having gestured to pick up the check (I had done that for our previous dinner with the family and his dad repeated said he will treat us back). That night, he said I don’t think this is going to work out, to which I replied “sure, fine. bye” The second day, he bought flowers.
He became extremely difficult to please, nothing I do is right. I am on constant fear of when he will blow up next. I helped with his presentation one night, towards the end, he said, just leave it, I will deal with it. Second day he said I had committed an “unheard of career sabotage” – because I didn’t finish his slides for him. That morning, he needed me to wake him up at 5am, I woke up to his 4:50 alarm, which I then turned off, made him coffee (which he asked for the night before) then woke him up at 5. He was outraged, because I had turned off his alarm. He also thinks I am putting stuff in his food/drinks to kill him and pin it on his ex so she gets deported.
<<<
Some or much of this ugly part is probably not ADHD, it's something more serious. I know, because I've lived with this for 30 years....of misery.
With minor details changed, what you wrote it what I go thru several times per week. A phone blown up with hate texts. Hate texts that are irrational, full of crazy accusations, being called a liar, but not being allowed to clarify. My H will not read or listen to my responses because he doesn't want to have to "back pedal" and admit he's wrong. and he's so very wrong all the time. He's wrong so much that our kids have NO RESPECT at all for him. One of our sons hasn't spoken to him in three years...I see that son alone, which annoys H.. The other one only deals with H marginally and that's only because that son wants to see me.
Recently, I went to work at our business. H had the pillow over his head which is usually an indication that he wants to sleep more. So, I left. About 3 hours later he called and asked why I didn't wake him up to go with me. I said that I had to pick up my assistant (car issues) and that he looked like he wanted to sleep more. He thanked me for letting him sleep more (rare thanks, usually just anger in the morning), but told me that I should have gotten him up (uh, that's YOUR responsibility buddy, you're a grown up). Then he said that he'd get ready and come. Another hour passes and he calls me and says that he's too tired and his back hurts so he's not coming in. lol Uh, so why should I have woken him up earlier to come in? (of course, that logic is lost on him because he lives in the moment).
Everything is MY responsibility. Everything is MINE when it involves a chore or burden. I hear things like, "Your dryer needs fixing." or "Your ice-maker is leaking" (H had shoved the fridge roughly and had inadvertently loosened the water connection for the ice-maker causing a flood on the floor)....but in his words, it was "Your ice maker is leaking"....lol...it is OUR fridge, but when there's a problem, then suddenly it's mine???? Of course he doesn't apologize for causing the flood, nor does he thank me for fixing the issue. BUT...he demands an immediate BIG thanks for any small thing he does. If I don't thank him quickly enough, he'll say (rudely) "You're welcome" in a way to announce that I hadn't thanked him yet. I have tried to show him how rude that is by doing it to him, but that is lost on him.
My H has ADHD, some OCD, Executive Function Disorder, Major Mood Disorder, Anxiety, Depression and an Axis II Cluster B Personality Disorder. He has also become an alcoholic within the last 12 years (which he hid from me by only drinking massive amounts of alcohol AFTER I had gone to sleep at night). Since he was drunk from midnight to early morning, he insists that his drinking didn't affect the family, but that ignores how booze affects the brain....and he became very addle brained....which also caused him to to retire earlier than he wanted.
My point is...Get OUT now.....don't wait.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Things will only get worse. It's not just the Adderall...it's the person.
Responsibility
Submitted by Xoliswthrtox on
I hear you on the responsibility front- esp with the wake up thing... Ur always wrong, they are always right.. No sense arguing because you get no where... I am always manipulated into things being my fault...and the stuff he does do, he makes it seem like thats everything and i do nothing...
I get into trouble if I wake
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I get into trouble if I wake him up and he doesnt' want to be woken up, and I get into trouble if I let him sleep in.
Once he puts me in a Catch 22 situation, I tell him, "since I can't win, then you'll have to be a grown-up and get yourself up when you want to be up."
The problem is that when he wakes up late, he's annoyed that he's slept so late, so logically it's "my fault." But, he's unable to think, "hmm, if she had woken me up 4 hours ago, would I have really gotten up or would I have told her to leave me alone because I'm still tired." He's not able to do that. He lives in the moment. The "now" is that he's annoyed. He's not able to maturely consider whether he'd have gotten up earlier if I had nudged him.
I have learned in other situations to always ask, ask, ask, (never assume), because he'll "use" the fact that I didn't get an answer from him against me.
For instance....If we're out having a good time, I will have to actually say something like, "Are you enjoying this? Do you want to stay?" I have to "get it on record," otherwise later on he'll have a meltdown and yell, "You made me stay at XXXX when I obviously wanted to leave."
Now, with a normal person, none of that would be needed. Their happy expression would tell you that they're having a good time and you know that later on they won't deny it.
However, when dealing with someone who isn't mentally-healthy, the moment that they're no longer happy, they can't remember/acknowledge that 2 hours earlier they were having the time of their lives.....unless you document it with their OWN WORDS. Remember when I asked you if you wanted to leave? you said, "no." . And if you're dealing with someone who will either lie or "not remember," then text the question to them and have them answer you by text.
This really sounds exactly
Submitted by Xoliswthrtox on
This really sounds exactly like my husband- he was "forced to quit" his job a little over a month ago and we got into a huge fight last night and this am because they new job he is pursuing, which by the way i got him because i sent his resume, wrote his cover letter, etc (he did the phone interview portion and online quiz only), requires he have a laptop, which he doesnt have.... So apparently it was my fault for the last month he couldnt do some training module they sent him because i pay the bills and didnt get him a computer... I mean did he go out and look at them at all, price them out, tell me hey i think i found a good deal... Nope... Instead i was researching for two hours last night in my free time after work and then he has the balls to be upset that im not hanging out with him or showing him attention...and then tell me i should be checking his email for work related stuff if i want him to work...he never takes responsibility for himself, everyone else is to blame for some elaborate reason or another...he also got pissed at his mother yesterday who must have mentioned to his aunt or cousin that he was out of work right now because then the cousin called saying he could maybe help get him a job...instead of being thankful, he throws a fit...its like he has delusions of persecution
RUN !!
Submitted by coco8712 on
Girl i just left my ADHDer after 2 years or it was him who left me anyways ... i went through the rages, verbally this guy destroyed me mentally he would call me names,text me mean horrible things, drop off my clothes on my door step , he was mean and i let him when i didnt even deserve any of that i wish i had the brains and strength to leave him then than waste 2 years but live and learn . i loved and cared for him but its always going to be a 1 way street its their way , or the highway you can change them no matter how good you are to them . accept that know that !! he blames his childhood ,his mom, pills, everything instead of just CHANGING nope he sulks !!! whos family wasnt dysfunctional right?! well you dont deserve this treatment block him move on it will be hard to be with him . I want you to know hes not going to be that MAN you need to comfort you , to destress you, to vent to , to help you emotionally,spiritually,mentally :( youll carry your problems + his its not fun girl. i and i think all of us here have done that its tough we love and care for them but well never get what we give them in return . its always our fault or they dont trust us after all we go through and help them love them :( .
make the best choice for yourself . im sorry your going thru this its horrible i lost weight when he was mean to me . its him not you !
praying for you