I have posted my fair share of rants against my H out of frustration and nowhere else to rant. But it occurred to me ranting is not solving anything. Thinking positively is the only way I can survive. Also, I am sure at least one of my kids will have ADHD so I might as well start learning how to deal now. I used to work with people with disabilities and while at the time ADHD was not a disability we worked with they taught us other "adaptive techniques" for teaching these individuals how to ski with their particular disability. So I thought why not have a forum topic where we list out techniques that have helped us? ONLY LIST TECHNIQUES THAT HAVE HELPED YOU PLEASE! I want this to be a positive forum.
Please list an issue you were challenged with and how you adapted and found a solution to deal with that issue so you were both happy with the outcome. Example: Scheduling, finances, communication, chores, help with the kids, hygiene, etc... I will go first.
Finances. PROBLEM: was not paying all bills each month due to not managing finances well, losing bills etc..., making risky financial decisions or impulse buying. SOLUTION-I put my kids in daycare and got a decent paying job with good benefits. I stopped doing his business's bookkeeping which made me nuts. I made a budget of the household bills and showed my H how much it cost us to live each month and told him how much he needs to give me each month to cover this cost (1/2) . I told him if he gives me his half I will make sure all bills are paid for the house each month and not discuss finances with him till the next year I make a budget. He can choose to spend any extra money other than his half the way he wishes or give to me to pay down debt, but it is his choice. He is in charge of paying his own personal bills (traffic tickets, credit card, hunting, fishing etc..) and his biz bills. I do not keep track if he does this or not I just manage the household stuff. I more secure knowing I have a roof over my head, health insurance, and car insurance and he feels less stressed for the same reason and a bonus I do not nag him anymore. If he wants a big purchase item I remind him that it is not part of the budget thus it comes out of his own money and not the money he gives me each month (he usually ends up not purchasing). We also have separate bank accounts but we have access to each other's if needed in an emergency. We have been doing this two years now and it is working great!
Meal Preparation/Planning/Groceries/Shopping and "Volunteering"
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I decided that I no longer wanted to be responsible for each and every meal prepared in the house and be he "keeper of all things" as far as household supplies and personal items. H assumed magic fairies kept the house supplied with necessities. (Must be nice to never worry about running out of toilet paper or shampoo.) I was pretty good about making sure things were available but I grew tired of everyone expecting it and dealing with anger in the rare instances that I forgot something. My "how can we be out of vanilla" rant is a family legend.
1. I keep a small magnetized notepad on the refrigerator door, with a pen attached. If we run out of something, it must be written down. If it is not on the list it does not exist in my mind. I do not accept verbal reminders. You ran out of shaving gel? Oh well. Not my problem. He learned pretty quickly that he did not like making last minute errands to pick up things he needed. As an added incentive, it came out of his pocket, not our household budget. I used to practically do a whole house inventory before grocery shopping. I personally hate Walmart but I go to another grocery store next to a Target so I can combine errands. It's also near a TJ Maxx and DSW which is why my husband wonders why grocery shopping takes so long ! My H was notorious for using things up and not throwing away the packages so I would see a bottle of mens' body wash but not know it was empty unless I picked it up..... maddening.... He takes care of his dog. Forgot to put dog food on the list?.... out you go to the store. It also reinforced good behavior for the kids. They started throwing away empty snack packages so I would know to buy more. If I saw a box on the pantry shelf, I assumed something was still in it. Everytime he turns to me and says "we're about out of...." he gets the look and turns around and puts it on the list. LOL. Sometimes it means he has to travel from another room to the kitchen to put it on the list :)
2. The meal planning and preparation was more problematic. I gave up on expecting him to plan and make a list for meals he was responsible for preparing. When he was completely responsible it never happened. I would end up scrambling to prepare something last minute. Instead, I plan for the week and make the shopping list. I include a few no brainer meals with minimal clean up. The meal choices are posted on the fridge in the same way and in the same place each week. H gets to choose which meal he wants to prepare, knowing the ingredients are on hand. H has always gotten home much earlier than I do and I used to become angry when I would have to walk in the door and instantly begin preparing a meal when he had already been home for a couple of hours. I always have things on hand for a few pantry staple meals. When things got really bus with the kids' activities, I did batch cooking and freezing so it would be a matter of defrosting and baking an entree and preparing a couple of sides. It was still work for me but the end goal of freeing up evening time a couple nights a week, was worth it. We now approximately share cooking responsibilities. Clean up - I'm not even going there.
I had to take over finances in the same manner you did. He was simply too irresponsible and unorganized.
3. Volunteering. It took me a long time to realize that any time I showed the least indication that I would handle something that something went to the "not now, not me" part of H's brain. I wasn't really volunteering to do particular tasks, but there was something in my wording that was triggering the idea in his mind that I was taking care of it. I'm struggling to think of an example, but it was pretty basic communication. Saying something as simple as "You're due for a dental appointment" in his mind wasn't a reminder to make an appointment but an acknowledgement on my part that I was going to make the appointment and tell him when to show up. We haven't completely solved this one but I ask a lot of questions and provide a LOT of clarification now. I'll say directly, "I'm not calling the dentist, you need to make an appointment. I'll add a reminder to check with you in two weeks to see if you did."
4. Project Distractions - My H likes to do projects around the house. He's good at it and it is his hyperfocus. However, he will usually choose things that are fun for him versus mundane and things that cost a lot of money versus things that should be done and cost very little. One day I walked up to the front door after work. My H was trimming bushes. He gushed and effused about a new stone facing product that he wanted to apply to the front of the house. I agreed that it would make the house look much better. However, I also knew by a quick glance that there were about ten other small projects that needed to be done. In this case I actually didn't go ballistic. I calmly told him that I would go in the house and get a notepad and we would take a quick tour of the property and write down things that needed attention as well as wish list items. That list has really helped us. He agreed it was a good idea and he has consulted it often. We agreed that he would at least alternate months - one month inexpensive projects, next month okay to spend a little. We put a dollar amount on it and agreed to consult regarding projects costing more than that amount.
vabeach and mrsadd....These....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
are great ideas. We need more of this so we can be atleast successful in SOMETHING in our relationships.
I realized that drawers(out of sight out of mind) are a real bane for my H. The bathroom is large and I no longer care about aesthetics so I put a 2 shelf stand in there. I can fold his jeans and separate into good versus work piles on the top and in a laundry basket on the bottom I put socks,t shirts and underwear. I literally can fold and place in an arms reach...yay for me and FOR him. No more not being able to find ANY of his clothing.( YOU HAVE TO OPEN THE DRAWER! OH THE EFFORT!) He wears only button up shirts(they hang in closet)...no sweaters, polos etc. This has been a big benefit for both of us. Oh and I do NOT iron anymore. If it's wrinkled wear it, iron it or not. NOT my job anymore.....I made my own retirement plaque from ironing and it hangs in the bathroom.
We do have a larger bath/laundry room but just the idea of being "in sight" works better for some I think.
P.S. If H were a horse he would be considered an....easy keeper.
All good ideas, vabeachgirl, MrsADD and Zapp
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Zapp, my husband is a visualist as well....and/but if there is too much out, and without periodic interventions, yes, all the empty spaces everywhere fill up, then he can't look at a crowded visual field and see anything that he's hunting. But yes, visualist. All of his stuff in the bathroom is out on shelving, so that he can see it. Ditto here.
Vabeachgirl, anyone, what is this thing about emptying containers but not throwing them away?
My H was notorious for using things up and not throwing away the packages so I would see a bottle of mens' body wash but not know it was empty unless I picked it up..... maddening....
I'm working up to break my rule, and do an Injunction on my husband, which he won't like, and will make me feel like a hall monitor, because I'll have to repeat to make it stick....because he's constantly flinging plastic wrappers, boxes, empty plastic bags everywhere.
Is that a Man Thing? A thousand years ago I dated a man who would drink from the milk carton, drain it, put it back in the refrigerator, and I'd find the empty carton the next time either of us needed milk. What IS that?
I don't know what that is
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I have no idea what causes the empty package syndrome. It really frosts my cookies. I feel like such a b*(#H for using the royal "we". It makes me feel like a preschool teacher. "We're not going to just leave that sitting there for me to pick up later, are we?" - eyes wide, staring, arms folded across chest, foot tapping.
I also hate the leaving of the milk carton on the counter.... what is that?
Pick your Battles Technique...empty package....
Submitted by MrsADD (not verified) on
Not sure maybe the same syndrome as the no teeth brushing?
I buy roughly the same stuff each week for groceries and when I make a list and inventory the house yes I find lot's of empty wrappers and boxes, it is annoying. I do like the magnet on fridge with pen idea and may start to use that in near future. Not on the list Not buying it! Until I heard you all talk about it thought it was just bad raising by mom doing everything for him as a child/adult but maybe it is is an ADHD thing. For me it is way down on the priority list of need to find a solution too. Right now I just throw the boxes out and put the item on the grocery list.
Pick your battles is another adaptive technique for any person you live with ADHD or not. The ADHD person especially only has so much they can focus on at one time. I think it is in the book "it is like looking through a paper towel roll" "whatever is in front of the hole is what is being intensely focused on" this description kinda helped me see things from H's perspective.
Things into the same place
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Everyone has to be doing this one already, but nevertheless: when my new husband and I started living together, it was a new environment for him, which means that if he had habits of putting things in places before, he had none in the new place. It's what people do anyway, but just the observation that it has seemed to help my husband that I put things in the same place, always, when I put them away. Because he's got that out of sight, out of mind thing, he's been slow to track on where things are, but because I don't vary where I put things when I put them away, I notice that he's finally starting to go to where they are, to take them out for himself. At which I cheer to myself. I really do think with Zapp that there's something with locating things visually that works differently for him than it does for me.
What has really helped us in several ways is that we're keeping our stuff separate from each other. I picked up that one from someone with ADHD once writing online that he hated it when his wife, or maybe it was, girlfriend, came into his space and tidied it up....maybe J has talked about this on this site, too. The other guy was definitive: leave my stuff alone. So from the beginning, I did. It sounds rigid, but I think the effect of it is that it reduces his search time when he looks for things he's looking for. That is, after he came to recognize that I was keeping my mitts off of his stuff, and not mixing. So he doesn't even go to for example my closet or my office to look for something that he has misplaced. You should have seen him in his constant hunts in his apartments. He'd look everywhere, absolutely everywhere, because he had no memory of where he placed whatever he was looking for.
This sound so compulsive, as if I'm the one with the big deal about "my space" but when he leaves stuff in common space or in my areas, I tote those things back to his space areas and always put them in the same place.
In a non ADHD house this would be nuts, but my husband sincerely and truly loses a lot of things. We buy a whole lot of replacements of things that are left behind somewhere. In good temper, if there's anything that I can do that doesn't take much attention or time from me, that helps him build a picture in his head of where his stuff might be, and reduce his mental field of worry about it, I will. He loses so much stuff.
At least in our house, that ADHD person's remark that he needed people not to mess with his stuff has really helped us. More peace of mind.
Loosing things...Finding things...Placing things...
Submitted by MrsADD (not verified) on
Visuals/Out In Open/Labels: I also find Labels to help in certain instances. When it comes to the kids I label stuff. This especially helped when they were babies so he could easily know which drawer had what-snacks, medicine, formula. I recently re-arranged the drawers in kids rooms due to space issue and put name labels on the drawers until everyone can get used to the new organization. He said it was a great idea! I used to toss all medical stuff on a shelf in a closet so I organized kids vs. adults into bins and labeled them and he thanked me! I also like Bins,with no lids or labeled. He likes these too. Kids and H's shoes are in bins by door, some of mine too like snow boots. Hunting clothes and fishing crap lying everywhere will be in bins soon!
I find if it has a regular place and if needed a label I hear less of "Babe where is the..." b/c I have noticed ADHD people don't look or think about where it probably is, in fact they don't even try to look. These techniques work for us.
Losing stuff and the Fedex account: I once set up a FedEx account for his business. You know what we mostly use it for? Shipping his stuff back to us when on vacation or out of town, like we went to Florida and he left his phone at airport. We went to Dr. and he left his phone at Dr. office. It works great if there is a lot of traveling involved by the ADHD person. I don't pay this bill so when we went to Florida and he had not paid the last bill he had to figure that mess out to get his account in good standing and ship his phone to him. His mess not mine. But he did get the phone by next day and I did not have to deal with any part of the caos.
Yes!!!! Absolutely MrsADD
Submitted by kellyj on
The more things are out...where I can see them...the better odds I will keep track of it no matter what it is. Here's some things I do to help myself out here...
I only buy clear see through containers for anything no matter what. Never boxes or opaque containers. Glass, clear plastic....."see through" for everything!! That's a must. My kitchen cabinets even have glass on the upper doors so I can see everything at a glance like glasses etc....
As far a drawers go.....I have those dividers or little containers to separate everything by categories.
And labels.......LABELS, LABELS, LABELS......on everything!!!! (except my underwear...please lol ) I upgraded my old Dymo-gun label maker...for one of those new fangled label makers and they work great. BIG BOLD LETTERS....that are easy to see.....on EVERYTHING!!!
If it's inside a drawer, a cabinet or pantry shelf....if it's not open or without a door on it....it will literally go non existent if I don't have something to tell me....what's in there if I can't see it. If I can't see it out...on a shelf...or open to the naked eye (glass containers or clear plastic see through, hooks hanging exposed on a wall ).....forget it. It doesn't exist.
J
Gladiator Gear Wall
Submitted by kellyj on
totally agree , Now
Submitted by Zapp10 on
about the drawers. It doesn't work for my H's clothes but it DOES so long as it stays in the same drawer. The kitchen has been most difficult and when I "realized" that he was in need of continuity I stopped my occasional "re arranging" in there. He has a thing for little drawers in stands.....I leave whatever he puts in them there....I might move the stand .....ha....ha...like after a "bad" moment where he was mr not so nice.
OMG Yes....That Was Me LOL
Submitted by kellyj on
Hi NON,
That was me...I was the one who had a real problem when my wife first moved in and changed everything on me. I likened it to rearranging the furniture for a blind person. How rude!!! lol
Yeah....I'm not one to go storming around and yelling "where's my things!!!" or what ever I'm looking for....and I don't ACCUSE others of moving my things...until I've torn the house apart looking for them first. I actually don't accuse at that point....I ask...just in case. I know myself too well. If something goes missing.....I'm usually the cause. lol Not always...but more often than not.
This is one of those things....that is really, really difficult to explain to someone who doesn't have ADHD. I have a great memory...as to where I last left something or used it. If it never gets moved....I rarely lose track of it. But once it gets moved by someone other than me....you might as well just throw it into that worm hole that things go into....and just wait until it re-emerges again for that time warp continuum because looking for it once I've lost track of it....could take a very long time to find. Sometimes years!!! lol
But I am getting better with this and there is only ONE way around it for me. I have to be the one who organized things to begin with....and I HAVE to be the one to physically put everything in it's proper place to begin with. Once everything actually has a "home" that I know and it never changes "homes" again. Putting it away and re-finding it again it 1000% percent easier.
Once I"M THE ONE AND ONLY ONE...without exception....and no one can do this for me or...... do it without me there with them and see where things are by putting my fat hands on them the first time around or it WILL NOT WORK!!!!!)
I should know this by now.....I've spent the last two years....re-finding everything....and now....finding a permanent home for them......piece by piece....one item at a time.
I've found that if someone organizes for me.....I might as well be blind. It leaves me with few options but.....when I do it and it stays that way.....I rarely lose anything and can keep track of everything very well. Just don't think about touch it ...or changing it's home what ever it is.....or I'm back to be that blind person again who you rearranged the furniture on. lol
J
Sorry to say, my friend
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Sorry to say, my friend Frenchy, but it was some other ADHD guy who I first read about it. He used all caps, big font. And then as I was writing the post here, I remembered part of what you said about your new wife rearranging your space (which by the way would bug me enormously, given that my office is my Girl Cave)
You've got spatial memory that my husband doesn't have, J. I'm glad you have it. Mine has really extraordinary, very orderly memory of his work....he has phenomenal order inside his head. Things in space are something else for him.
What do you do, to accommodate your wife's need for space use in your shared spaces? I remember you said you thought she might have ADHD.
You Bought Up a Really Good Point
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm still thinking that underneath everything else my wife has going on....it really does seem like she has ADHD albiet......a different type than mine. What you said about you H is interesting? The thing about spatial memory? I'm gonna look that one up for sure!! lol But it's very true....I didn't realize there was such a thing or memory gets itemized out that way....but yes. Spatially I've got that nailed down solid. In fact.......I would say that is one of my strengths even....above the average I'm thinking. I can literally go hiking or Mt Climbing without a trail in the woods...and not get lost. I don;t even have to think about it....it just comes naturally.
On the other hand.....my oldest sister who....shares a lot of things in common with my wife and one of those things is almost NO.....spatial orientation (or memory )....like "0". lol I'm not even kidding. I mentioned this in another thread...but my sister, needs a map just to drive across town. The same one she's lived in all her life???
But...she is very organized in her head like you say your H is....and I'm not. lol Going the other way. lol I'm 99% sure now....my oldest sister has ADHD but as you say....these two things are almost polar opposites of each other. My oldest sister.....absolutely cannot "visualize" anything in her head. I on the other hand....."visualize" in 3D. Many of my dreams are in color as well. I guess that's not the norm for everyone?? And I remember my dreams....vividly too...in great detail.
What I do to accommodate my wife? Well....this may not sound all that great....but I usually just concede but here's the deal there. I'm not all that particular or fussy about my space and I don't have space issues as in claustrophobia and my wife definitely does. It';s part of why she is so sensitive to her surroundings and why it effects her the way it does.
The other thing that I am trying to do both for myself and her....is meet her standards as best I can with space and "neatness" and "orderliness"....because I like it too. I wish I was more that way naturally but that's not to say....I don't like it that way either. And since I like it too.....I've been striving to raise my bar to meets hers however.....I have now come to understand that there is an obsessive component and some sensitivity issues that my wife has that I DO NOT...want to strive for. I have to stop trying to meet her....when I feel I'm starting to head into that territory and I can't imagine anyone.....wanting or striving for that? I watch her inability to cope or manage if everything isn't exactly so.....to a degree that start heading into the realm of plastic on the lamp shades and furniture....and plastic carpet runners all over the house. It's not a home furnishings sales display you know. People....actually live in our house and trying to maintain a show room condition at all times is too much to ask of anyone.
I think the way I'm approaching her is this way. If I ask myself...can I live with this or not? Is it good enough....or does it need to be better? (when trying to compromise between the two of us) If I can't live comfortably in my own home if I'm trying to maintain a furniture store show room standard.....then I have to come back from that a notch until I find the spot where I can "just live" and not have to worry about putting finger prints on the counters? If I can keep things organized and my stuff out of sight where my wife can't see it......then the fingers prints stay...and I can meet her half way. You might as well just shrink wrap the entire inside and out of the house and everything in it..... that way....no dirt or finder prints will ever touch any surface...know what I mean? I worked in the Jewelry business for 35 years....I understand "spotless" and "perfect" and "show room" quality. I would never want to aspire to live in a show room anyway....it's not natural......kind of artificially " perfect". Plus....you have people who are hired and paid...to clean the glass constantly and keep it sparkling clean (with not finger prints anywhere) at all times. Who would want to work all day doing that...and come home and do that some more?? That's not living.....that's working!! LOL
So that is how I am approaching our situation right now. If my wife NEEDS a "show room" to live in.....I'm not going to be happy and.....I don't aspire to live like that and never had. If given the choice or option up front or asked....I would have said.....NO WAY!! That just insane?? lol
Anyway as I said......for me, that's not compromising....that's trying to live very unrealistically and for what? Who's keeping score here? We don't live in a retail show room with hundreds of people traipsing through our living room all day long you know? lol No one see's it except my wife...myself....and our two dogs and I can tell you straight up....the dogs really don't care one way or the other that's for sure. lol
So raisin the bar to meet her up to that last 10% of detail that most ( I beleive ) would consider acceptable by any standard of living.....the last 10% is where it starts becoming excessive or obsessive and that's where I'm not trying to meet her which would be a detriment...not and improvement for my and my own standard that I am willing...and wanting to improve. For myself before anyone else.
Plus....I don't want to shrink wrap the house and everything in it because that's the only way it would ever be 100% safe from me. lol
J
Makes sense to me,J
Submitted by Zapp10 on
For me.....I can make a home anywhere....so long as the ones I love are in it.If the people(including family, friends and strangers) are not afforded the comfort of moving about without "fear" of any kind....then I, personally, have failed. Not because of the house....because of my hospitality.The material effects in the home are NOT for display to anyone but those who live there. I prefer to walk in a house that feels like a home and that can only come from the people with in. Nice or not does not make a home. I like things nice too but they don't always happen, can't be afforded or, after thought....just aren't needed.
I went the route of wanting things nice years ago......I have thought back on that and Ido believe it was PART in reaction to the unknown adhd. I thought if I made EVERYTHING nice....he would be home more. Every time we moved....I thought he would be home more...Don't ask me why I thought a change of homes would fix what neither of us knew was broken. Somewhere along the way, about 20 years ago I realized what I was doing and stopped.....I was so relieved to have the burden( I had placed on myself) let go....and focus on the people. Not alot changed but I had stopped putting too much focus on the house and I had more peace of mind and a lot less additional frustration....for both of us.
My 2 cents.....I think people overly concerned about the inside of their homes have something more going on inside their soul.Trying to control inanimate objects cause they can't control what's going on inside them. Inanimate objects do what you want...they have no voice. ..they are pleasing to the eye so they distract from what's wrong. This was what I feel happened with me....trying to control my life....that was out of my control.....for more reasons than unknown adhd.
I am not really referring to your wife J. The topic just brought back how for a time I went that route....to a certain degree.
Zapp, what a great post to
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Zapp, what a great post to read as I head offline. Best to you this evening.
Zapp You Said Something Here...
Submitted by kellyj on
"I am not really referring to your wife J. The topic just brought back how for a time I went that route....to a certain degree."
That's really interesting? The fact that I ended up..."controlling "things"...in respect to the work I do and all the skills I learned in order to do this?? Has me thinking about this....both in terms of myself and YES......my wife as well?
If she has ADHD as I suspect....and the fact that she has "limited skills" in these areas....but has invested her energies in trying to control "her environment" and "other people.in her environment".....(not "things" per se )....this gets really even more interesting to think about?
There is "control" or "things"....in terms of "physical skills"....like in the work I do with my hands. You could call this the ability to "manipulate" or "make"...."things".....bend to my wishes. Literally. Since I do a lot of work with metals......"bending"....."shaping"......and "manipulating" the metal to the shape I desire.....are all skills I learned to do this. You might even say....I'm a Master Manipulator in terms of physical "things" ie: Wood, metal, minerals (and even vegetables as in cooking ) in the Art I do which I've learned over a long period of time.
But when it comes to people.....I'm a poor manipulator and am horrible at trying to manipulate people to get them to do anything. Unless it's in some prescribed way as in coaching sports for example.....I'm not very persuasive and generally speaking....."Sales" or the "Art of Persuasion" is a lost Art on me unless it's selling what I make which I have no problem doing that at all.
I'm a good negotiator or haggler in terms of buying and selling....but I am not good with "cold calling" and trying to "get someone" to want to buy anything unless their already there and ready to "buy". Once they're already "on board" and are "interested"
I'm not good with "motivating others" unless....."motivating" itself is just part of the job? I'm a "good coach"......but a "bad Persuader"...but I can be VERY manipulative in that setting which requires no effort on my end to be that way......NATURALLY speaking. lol
In that case.....I'm neither "passive aggressive".. or.... "covert" in my "methodology" at all......I'm out and out, get right to it and "get'er done"....."NOW...drop and give me 20....or you'll be washing windows ALL NIGHT LONG!!! Now MOVE!!!!!" lol Less subtle and much easier to understand. lol
I guess you might say....that's being "demanding when appropriate" ?? lol I'm just not that way any other time...and not very "persuasive, manipulative and/or coercive"...unless I have that authority given to me or by my "right"...in doing it in a prescribed and expected way? Same as when I owned my own business. I don't have a lot of "fluff" when it comes to "hand holding" others when a job is given and needs to be done....if the expectation is already there and built into by design or determined by the "job" itself that everyone understand and is agreed upon as "appropriate to the situation." I am the worlds most reluctant leader.....but have no problem doing it if I have to. I have the skills I need to do it....along with the experiences I learned from doing it myself. If I don't have the experience personally....or am just put in charge of people but have no expertise in the "thing" itself.....I'm a poor manipulator and have almost no skills in that area. Along with that....not a good "persuader" in general.
What comes to mind here....is "Yosemite Sam" lol...."what I GOT to SAY varmint......I'm SAY'in....with LEAD!!!" LOL That would be my method...of "Persuasion" if you get the joke? I guess that's one method of manipulating "things" in your environment? lol (that or...."WTF is your malfunction.... Doc????" )
Take your pick?? lol
J
Funny, that shrink wrapping the house
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Except you're also talking about laying down plastic runners and wrapping lampshades in plastic. I don't know if you're exaggerating or not, J, but woo ... I haven't seen a house with those plastic walk paths in it for a long time....
You said
I think the way I'm approaching her is this way. If I ask myself...can I live with this or not?
That's my baseline question, too. My husband doesn't have to be like me about space, but on the other hand, it wont work for the marriage if one of the pair is the only one to determine space use. To me, it's not the biggest issue of marriage, but there other things that connect into it. My deal is: how can my husband and I both feel like we're at home.
Yes, spatial memory. There's been a lot written about spatial memory, in past centuries. Look up "memory palaces" sometime. I'm not going to lead off on a tangent from this thread, which I think is a good one that if people want, I hope keeps going, but yep, I've got a 3-D memory and imagination, too. I do a lot of thinking by visualizing in my head, and then translating it into words....which is one reason I'm such a chatterbox on the page sometimes. I only had a few sessions of Tai Chi, but it was fascinating. Those Tai Chi moves are geometrical, some in 3-D, J. It's a big world out there. I liked that Gladiator stuff.
Back to the intent of the thread, I'm doing a lot of our financial management, although my husband and I co-decide all of the big stuff and are aiming to be as interchangeable as we can be, in being the front man or woman to banks and financial advisers. How does financial planning and expenditure tracking work between you and your wife? What procedures do you have that work satisfactorily for you both? People vary a lot in how they set things up.
What I Do Very Much Have to Be Thankful For
Submitted by kellyj on
Despite my fathers failings...he had his strengths too. If there was anything he knew how to do...and how to do well....was manage money. I learned a great deal from him and in that area or teaching me things....I am lucky to have had such a good teacher. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do when I was 18 years old....but I knew I wanted to go to college and business....seemed to be kind of a universally useful thing to take at the time. And starting when I was 6 or so....my parents opened me up a savings account and I've been doing that (or always looking at savings ) as just part of my normal MO. Being that my father especially....grew up and was greatly affected by the Great Depression.....he took that with him no matter how well he did and he set that example for me and how that shapes what I expect or don't want in any relationship where I've got my two bits into the hat along with someone else. I've found for the most part......I've always been the more responsible or more prudent one financially speaking.....even to the point of making my hobbies pay for themselves as often as I can. I have a strong tendency towards buying things used or in need of restoration so with my hobbies....I try and buy equipment that I can sell for a profit from what I paid for it....to help make up for the cost of the hobby itself. There is a collectable factor in there too....like the show "Pickers". I would make a great Picker....I know a lot of worthless information and trivia about a lot of different things that collectors just go ape shit over!!! (sorry that just came out )
Anyway.....nothings really changed as far as that goes and my wifes money demands are low there too. We pretty much agree on things financially and I keep doing what I've done since I was really young.....that is, finding cheap ways to do things I want to do....by making those compromises and doing it on the cheap instead of 1rst class....but with that ability to find vintage collectable things I want to play with....and then resell them for at least what I paid and sometimes even a little more depending on. One car I bought for $10,000 bucks (years ago....a 69 Corvette Convertible with a rare high performance engine ) drove it around for 5 years and sold it for 18,000 and put almost no money into it. That was the best "deals" I ever did but I also got lucky and my timing was just right. So I got to use it for 5 years.....drove it around in the summer with the top and down and had a blast with and made $6,000 or close enough and that was a win / win for everybody but especially me. lol
Anyway...that's my typical MO in everything. Buy low and sell high!! LOL
J
Low hanging fruit
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I agree that my suggestions are low hanging fruit. I will solve a low level problem if I can do so with minimal effort. I oftentimes find the accumulation of small annoyances will put me over the edge. Then, I will pick the larger battles. It helps to have some successful changes in place to form the basis for tackling larger issues.
Yep, tooth brushing is an issue. I don't get it.
The fridge list - what I found is that it meant fewer things to remember and less information rattling around in my head. Freed up some mental space. Anytime I can put a process or ritual in place without reinventing the wheel, I do. That applies to kids as well as ADHD husband.
One battle at a time is solid advice.
Clutter is a big one in my house. I am religious about removing clutter and excess. I think it helps H to see clear spaces and fewer distractions.
I didn't use cruise tags as one poster suggested, but any time my H was responsible for taking a kid to practice, I left a laminated checklist taped to the front door. He was required to call out the item and have my son SHOW it to him, not just say it was in his gear bag. My son was really bad about getting his stuff together, even without ADHD. I got tired of having delegated the practice and then having to show up with forgotten items anyway. I made H responsible for making sure everything was there and also responsible for going back home to get anything that was missed. I didn't bail him out. It took exactly one time before he decided to enforce the cheat sheet that he previously thought was stupid. A cruise tag would have been nice.
This may be working for us, too.
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Clutter is a big one in my house. I am religious about removing clutter and excess. I think it helps H to see clear spaces and fewer distractions.
I insist on keeping our common areas clear and orderly, with some pile-OK areas in it. My jury's still out on whether the decluttering helps my husband. I think it does. He'd have to say, but his space use in common spaces suggests it. He had packed his apartment with so much rubble that there literally was no space to sit in it for me. I've told the story elsewhere on the site, that I'd clear one space for myself at the end of a couch and would sit & read there, with my things around my feet, and when I'd get up to get a cup of tea or to go to the bathroom, lo and behold in that 3 minutes he would have filled my sitting space with something. I really don't understand the space filling thing. Well, there was no way that I was going to live with my new husband in a house where there was no place for me to sit or walk. Period. So I keep things picked up in our common spaces. Period. I do notice that it took my husband a while but he's now using our sofa for naps or to read. It's the same sofa that he had before we married ,but in his place it was absolutely loaded with stuff. So it's nice to see him have the option of taking a nap when he wants on it.
... I don't get the tooth brushing, either. Although when I ask, he willingly goes & brushes his teeth. Different attention, probably.
I'm lucky that my husband has become very committed to living without excess. He really has caught on to what the plus is of not having stuff that we're not using, or that is redundant.
You know it, Now
Submitted by Zapp10 on
Even tho I am not "living" downstairs right now...I do have "things" I do occasionally down there. When it comes to ANYTHING left in the general area by him....I put it on the table in his den( his very precious space). I am good with doing that. It gets and stays piled high often. He has been good with it so far but if he weren't .....then the solution would be ....in the garbage. I strongly suspect he KNOWS that. If I pick something up from where it shouldn't be...too often......it has been known to disappear.....and I don't care WHAT it is. He has1.5 rooms for anything he wants. The rest is shared territory and I WILL toss it. As for the kitchen.....I love my little outdated kitchen but since I am not there most of the time it can look "not so good"....but I DON"T touch the dishes, countertops, floor or stove. And I have NO idea what he does with a dish cloth!. I just bought 2 new brown ones so I wouldn't know "what" is actually on them.....I couldn't stand seeing the white(?) one and trying to figure out what the hell he does with it?
You know...adhd or not being somewhat clean does not require a high IQ or massive common sense.
ahaha IQ
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
My husband is a real smart guy.
Zapp, when the pile rises in space we share, I tote found objects that are his to his pile, too.
:) for me, the deciding thing is whether the pile is in his spaces, our spaces or my space. There's no chance in the moon that he'll ever make one of his piles in my office, closet or makeup shelves in the bath. No way, Zorro. Which leaves his spaces, which he can do with as he wants. I don't even look at them.
But spaces like the one you mentioned, which sounded like common area, yes my husband and I can bug each other regarding space use.
His stuff creeps everywhere. It neer stops. He never picks up. If it leaves his hand, it goes into not-here, and he doesn't see it, I do believe. But a pile in a common area where I'm not being Attila about keeping it clear? I let it pile up, Zapp. I have yet to scoop a pile into the trash, and probably won't but where he gets Consequences for building a skyscraper pile is if it falls on me, or blocks my coming and going (we have one Pile OK area right near a door), or if he's begun piling on the gas stove, which is a hazard, for petes sake, or on the kitchen cabinets, then I tap into my inner totem animal and get NOISY. Since I go about my work in the house silently (which is how I lived with myself all those years) it really does startle him when I say on having a pile hit me as I am trying to get through a door I NEED TO GET THROUGH THE DOOR, please dont block it.
:) I've never thrown away a pile he's made or sorted through one, but I have reshaped them patting them into different shapes.
We have a few pile areas in the common space; the rest of it I clear every day. I figure that common space needs to be receptive of us both, so I am doing kind of a hybrid thing with space in the common spaces. He needs what he needs. Which includes, for reasons that are mysterious to me, the need to make vertical piles
too funny..Now,
Submitted by Zapp10 on
LOVE....that you "pat them into different shapes"! LOL!!!!!
We only have 4 rooms not including bathroom. He has 1.5 The rest is common. No closets which is pointless anyway with adhd( outa sight...outa m...) I don't have real personal space (except now in the apt I'm in upstairs). My stand has always been...there will be NO last minute clearing a space for ANYONE needing/wanting to sit down....at atable, on the couch or in a chair.so far so good. We are agreed on the common area and I do pick up things but nothing out of the ordinary. The bed is always another place for me to place his extra "stuff"....
leaning towers of jenga? (but skyscraper pile is great)
Submitted by dancermom on
We are both pilers, but I tend to pile papers. He can pile Anything.
I took a picture once of our dining room table 10 years ago. In our house we call it DadSculpture. He is very creative with how he puts things on top of each other which are not necessarily related, shaped the same or inherently stable. These sculptures can get very tall. They are also known to topple. They are especially likely to topple when someone tries to extract something from the stack without dismantling the whole thing. Yes, this is very comical.
My dear daughter who seems to be following along in her dad's footsteps also strews things throughout the house, blocking doorways and stairs. When asked to move these things she will sweetly move them about a couple of inches!
:) you playful people
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
I wish I could see a photo of one of your husband's sculptures. Do they look like hoodoos? Like this? https://goo.gl/images/t1H1fZ
If so, that's majestic, Dancer
quirky, not majestic
Submitted by dancermom on
they look more like something in a seuss book.
LOL Pilers and Sculptors vs Spreaders and Painters
Submitted by kellyj on
Dancermom....that's too funny, but really interesting too. As far a personal pet peeves and habits (or adaptive strategies ? ) without rethinking this through very far....I developed a very strong aversion to piles as my means of doing art with my clutter. You might even say this is a pet peeve of mine and for all intensive purposes....I can now see why that is. Piling...is just like putting something inside a drawer for me. Anything that is underneath something else...no longer exists and I hate that....more than anything. I also have a real bonifide aversion or sensitivity to things "in my way" or "blocking doorways or pathways"....with a passion!! lol
So for me....when considering the "Art of Clutter" (lol).....I'm a "spreader" not a "piler." Picture Jackson Pollack and his paintings with paint....splattered all over the entire canvas in random sprinkles of color everywhere (done to Tchaikovsky's..."Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" lol )....that would be me. lol I tend to spread my clutter out....randomly.....where ever I go.(sprinkle....sprinkle....sprinkle.....lol )
What's interesting about these two different "styles" of creating clutter is what I now see as another pattern here and another source of contention between my wife and I.
When I first met my wife....I helped her brother and another guy move her mother to a different apartment and then again to her final retirement home. I also moved my wife (along with her brother again ) from where she lived in with me. Then again....helping her and even more of her family members go through her mothers estate and divide things up and move those things home to there respective new owners. Of course....we rented a truck to do this each time and this experience.....was exasperating for me because..........
.....all of them (the whole lot ) had this tendency to pile things up in random piles and leave things right in the pathways where ever you needed to walk!!! lol This drove me insane....I'm telling you!!! lol I kept going behind them....and undoing the piles and reorganizing them horizontally instead of vertically and out of the pathways where we needed to walk. I can't tell you how frustrating that was for me!! lol It was like....if there was a choice....of picking any place to put something down.....they would all pick the spot....right in front of a door or pathway for the next person to trip over or have to move out of the way!!! (errrrrr!!!! lol ) Like....the room would be empty....and yet....right in front of the door was where things would get set down and piles up so all the empty space was blocked from being accessed. (errrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!! LOL )
So this little (or big??? non-gay ) Sugar Plum Fairy had to stay in the truck...or in what ever room things were going in, and reorganized the clutter by spreading it out horizontally and sprinkle it around everywhere else.....BESIDES the pathways or doorways!!! LOL
This is another one of those possible clues that points to my wife having ADHD.....as well as a different type which plays out to have it's own particular "Art Style" to clutter. lol
"Painters and Spreaders" vs "Pilers and Sculptors." This is a losing battle and a never ending one with NO RESOLUTION between these two different types of "Artists". lol One type is "Vertically Avoidant"...and the other one is "Horizontally Avoidant" lol
I'd like to argue that "Painters" are better than "Sculptors" here.....but I know better than that:) lol
J
Throwing away...
Submitted by MrsADD (not verified) on
You are so nice to "pat things into shapes" I friggin toss things constantly. That man will save a scrap of paper with an x on it. Crazy. Clothing is worst. Totally torn up pants or stained shirt and does he toss it no he weares it or keeps it in his closet. I used to say why don't you throw it away if you can't wear it anymore? He would say, "well I don't know I'll just keep it there for now. I let this go on the first year of us living together and the next year I just started hauling stuff to the garbage can. I thought he would notice at first but he doesn't and when he does notice (rarely) he I just say "not sure you must have left it somewhere" Works every time. Now to be fair, I always replace the stuff, like underwear and socks and pants/shirts. If I toss them b/c they are disgusting I go buy more. Scraps of paper I just toss. If I feel unsure if it is important I just put it on his desk which is a giant pile of paper most days or the bins under his desk. Friends have found this a bit rude, but thing is I don't save crap and pile shit everywhere so he has no reason to do this to me. The man can't throw away an empty box of cheese it's for cryin out loud should I save that too!
It is rude but I do it too!
Submitted by adhd32 on
Mrs. ADD I could have written your post. I throw away the junk mail, magazines, and papers piled all over the house. I periodically clean out the closets to rid him of the disgusting work clothes he is saving to wear to paint or do yard work in. I cannot tell you how many times he has started a project in a brand new shirt and when I point it out he is too lazy to change into his saved work clothes. I recently came across cashmere sweaters that never made it to the dry cleaner pile ( just the pile, I take the stuff in) and they were full of moth holes. $200.00 in the garbage. Tee shirts get tossed as the laundry gets done because he will wear them until they fall apart. He has nice clothes he is "saving" and seems to be clueless about the message his appearance is sending. One time he found shirts I put in the garbage and took them out. Now I put things in a black bag and bury it in the can. I make mental notes of things around the house that need to go and I put them out on trash day after he leaves for work. On the very extremely rare occasion when he is missing something I tossed I too say I don't know its whereabouts.
I would like to point out that this is MY house too! I am considerate and do not leave my things lying about. I know exactly where 99% of my things are because they are where they are supposed to be kept. I do not care to live like Fred Sanford and I cannot tolerate clutter or knick knacks. Cleaning is easier when things are streamlined and since I am the only one doing it, TOO BAD. I cleaned the infamous shelves in the basement full of cardboard boxes filled with junk. I tossed many boxes that had not been opened in 20 years. They were full of parts and pieces from God knows what. Whenever he is working on a project and needs something he saved, he can never find it and ends up going to the store to buy the part or replaces the entire thing with something new. If he paid $40 for something 20 years ago, in his mind it is worth $40 yet he doesn't consider that with today's technology it is worthless and nobody wants it. He keeps his junk in the garage which is piled high and when I start finding his crap in the attic, basement, or lying near his desk I pile it up and tell him to move it or lose it.
I have made all kinds of other allowances for his ADD but I will not tolerate the hoarding in the house. He does not respect boundaries so there is no negotiation on this.
YOU HAVE TO OPEN THE DRAWER OH the EFFORT!
Submitted by dancermom on
dying laughing. this is so true. My H's clothes are all on open shelving right next to the washer dryer so it's not many steps from start to finish and all the dirty is downstairs.
Clothes left upstairs can be thrown down the stairs to the basement.
No Use Fighting City Hall Here (or ADHD ??? )
Submitted by kellyj on
It's not about "effort" in one respect Dancermom. I know this is just (one of those things ) that is realy hard to explain "why"....but it is what it is. This falls into the category of "strange and bizarre unexplained ADHD phenomenon "( lol ) that you have to work "smarter"...not ....;"harder" for everyone involved. (non's too especially with a resistant partner who hasn't figured this out yet )
This is that "thing"..that Melissa mentioned in her book and course lecture. "Trying harder"...as in what you would call...."Effort"...in this case....is actually working very hard at doing a "poor job" and fighting up stream when talking about ADHD...and what to do about it??
If you think of it in terms of "compensating for something??"....instead of looking at the "symptom of the problem"......as....."the problem itself".......that relationship between "effort" and "compensating behaviors ie: adaptive strategies or mal-adaptive ones due to this fighting up stream phenomenon ) changes the solution from "not putting in the effort or being lazy"....to...."putting a lot of effort into doing something in the wrong way to begin with and never figuring out a better or different way."
What I've come to learn about myself in all of this??? These are "inherent tendencies" to do these things like this....and then the "habit" that develops because of it over a very long period of time. You think you've been the "boiling frog" here? We've been "boiled" right into these mal-adaptive strategies due to those "inherent tendencies" that make no sense what so ever sometimes.....and then those turn into life-long "habits" that are nearly impossible to "break" because the those "tendencies" are there for a reason that will never go away due to having ADHD.
In the very essence of this......the very first thing that you think of doing....is sometimes the last one you should do. But as a kid growing up with these tendencies and no one being the wiser...they develop into habits and now.....you've got to reverse this and start all over again....as if anyone actually knew better at the time which no one did??
I could also say from what I now know? 99.9% of all the Bullshit...and the lying....is because of this one thing right here. Without knowing better (which you don't when you don't know you have ADHD ) is you believe you do all these things for a reason and you tell yourself the reason why is because......."XXXX"....which is what ever you come up with to explain this "phenomenon" which, if you aren't explaining it in terms of ADHD and the effects this has on you......you would be wrong!!! LOL But (WE) as in people who have ADHD.....don't know that.....until we do. Simply put. lol
But even when you finally figure this out as I have.....you're still left with changing all those bad habits and those tendencies that never go away. That's the real fight right there. We are fighting something non-stop and it does take a lot of mental work and energy to have to be "fighting something" all the time 24/7. There is lot of effort and mental energy being expended with a limited amount of available energy to use at any given time so if you're going to spend any effort at all doing anything.....you better do it "wisely"...or not at all. Otherwise.....you're wasting your energy...and throwing "good energy" after "bad energy" (or wasted energy either way ).
Work "smarter" not "harder". The amount of effort anyone can put into something.....will be what available energy or effort...they have to give.....to anything......bottom line.
Knowledge is power....as they say:)
J
smarter, not harder - I agree
Submitted by dancermom on
I agree - I'm the one who finally figured out that since the clothes were strewn from the 2nd floor down to the basement, and the washer/dryer was the one non-moveable part, the basement was the place. And down in the basement he can spread out as much as he likes.
Putting up the open shelves (which I did, myself) was a hard sell, because my husband has these strange notions that he can't make a "smarter" adaptation like admitting he doesn't use drawers. He feels he "should" use drawers. And then he strews his clothes all around a space (used to be our bedroom, hallway, living room and basement) and what's in the drawers hasn't been touched in years.
Luckily I got the basement thing going years ago when I was still going to the mat about things.
There are many others I've proposed over the years - to work with "what is" rather than continually griping about "what should be" - but it takes a lot of energy to get one going if it takes his cooperation. He would rather have wishful thinking about how it will be all better next week and get the conversation over with. I now understand that every single proposal like that I make is an invitation to a struggle - and just adds to the sense of friction that makes him want to escape me. And that knowledge is power, too.
lot's of energy for the non ADHD person....suggestions?
Submitted by MrsADD (not verified) on
This is probably the one thing I struggle with the most. The energy to adapt to all this stuff. I don't think the person with ADHD realizes how much energy it takes to adapt to a non-communicative and non-conforming person who cannot meet you half way, a person who is like a tornado whirling around you at all times and you have no idea where they will touch down, suck up everything you own, or just rearrange things.
I have tried to "adapt" by living my life with my schedule and not really concerning myself with his "non-schedule" schedule (the one in his head that only he knows about). This is hard when it comes to the kid's or things like getting our taxes done etc... If anyone has any ideas on the scheduling issue please post them I could use the advice. I have tried Google calendar (and I only put on there what is absolutely necessary he attend) and a calendar on fridge. I have tried reminding via text and email, none of it works. He only sees what he is focused on which is his work or his fishing/hunting schedule. Thus my schedule is always the one compromised which takes a huge amount of energy on my part to rearrange. I work, I mainly take care of kids. I have tried explaining this but he says "I know" then continues on the path of marching to his own drum. I would love any ideas on adaptive techniques for not letting the ADHD person suck me dry of energy...I have developed the firewall system (not my problem you deal with it) but he sometimes permeates it. Like when I have repeatedly told him we are doing taxes next week. I made an appointment, emailed him, and put on his work calendar. Last night he acted like we never had the discussion, planned over it and asked me to reschedule. If his biz was not involved I would just do the taxes myself but he needs to be there. A firewall I am thinking about implementing is married filing single for 2016 (yep that's right we still have not filed 2015 due to him not hiring a bookkeeper). Has anyone done this? Is it a disaster? I was going to run the numbers when I get my W2 for 2016 and see if it would not kill me too much.
I'll think a bit about this
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
I'll think a bit about this one, MrsADD. I think families in which there are small childen, and so the children non-negotiably must be taken care of and raised, are logistically and even morally much more difficult to handle on the question that you asked, than are couples living by themselves, but with no dependents in the household to care for. ...coome to think of it, even having pets, no kids, in the house (which my husband and I don't have) creates the need for both partners, not just one, to dependably do things for other creatures in the house. A spouse's fail to feed or give water to an animal or to let it out so that the poor thing can pee doesn't mean that the doggie is on hold, it means that spouse #2 either expends extra energy to let Fido out so he can have his life go on, and care for the food and water, or spends extra energy scrubbing up the place where Fido peed indoors. This sounds so condescending to the (grown up) spouse who abandoned her/his responsibility to another living being in the house, but people on this site with children, or with pets know whether or not they are doing it all or their partner is steppign up to the plate to do some of the other-being care. So MrsADD I think the thing about managing your own energy, in light of the apparently unceasing tug on it to do extra, to cover for emergencies and so on is a more challenging thing for you than it is for me.
But I'm going to think it over and maybe come back to it. Because this one thing....the to me astonishing tug of additonal need to expend my own energy (of any kind) is the big thing that nearly brought me down to the hospital, before I learned enough about ADHD and started trying things living with my husband, to keep from being so drained. I used to lie awake at night, knowing that work was piling up up up, and knowing that help with it wasn't going to be coming from him.
I don't have to co-schedule with my husband like you do, due to kids. If I did, I'd pull out my hair. My husband never tells me the schedule he has created for himself in his head, which once he locks into it, he's absolutely rigid about because he knows enough about his ADHD that once his sequence is interrupted, he might as well throw the rest of the day out the window. It took me two blessed years, to get him not to put me on his mental, uncommunicated schedule. That he couldn't schedule me for anything in his head. That he HAD to either ask me if I wanted to, or could do what he wanted me to do, or he had to deal with me refusing to do what he had mentally scheduled me to do. It took him TWO YEARS to stop that. He'd also tell other people I'd do something, without telling me. What gives with all that. He didn't quit telling other people I'd do things, without telling me, until he went through the embarrassment of thereafter telling them that no I wasn't going to do that. He had to clean it up with them. He's not a liar at all, although yep there are things that he doesn't let on about, but he's a real truth teller....though I found out that he was, in this case, lying to these people he had scheduled me with, without telling me, to protect his own fanny, by telling them that no I wasn't because I was sick, or that I didn't want to go over to someone's house for dinner. I made him stop that lying to other people. MrsADD, it wasn't until he actually suffered the embarrassment of having to tell people that he had it wrong, that I wasn't going to do that, before he stopped scheduling me without checking with me that I could either do it at all, or was willing to do it.
TWO YEARS. And he's a well intentioned man over all, a kind one. One who has many years of dealing with people in his job. What goes into a mind, to even do this scheduling but not inquiring if it's possible thing? I don't know and I don't care about the deep secrets of the psyche on this one. Two years, to get him to not schedule me, without talking to me. And even now, finding out what does have an impact on us both, in his scheduling is like pulling hens teeth....every day. Talk about Groundhog Day on this issue.
....and I haven't put a toe on your key piece, which is that the other person's time and energy gets yanked around 'way more than it does with people who divide work and communicate and fulfill schedule.
I just can't imagine what it is like doign shared, scheduled childcare.
I do appreciate it, a lot, that my husband MUST keep himself on his committed schedule, or yes it will blow his task completion out of the water. My husband has disciplined himself regarding task completion for his entire adult life. So he and I are not going to do sticky note reminders or a shared Google calendar, that kind of thing. In this case, we're two old dogs, who can learn some new tricks some times, but it won't be wise for my husband to toss out a way of creating and committing to a series of tasks for himself that he's used for decades, to go to something like a shared Google schedule. But that's just us.
...I'll think about the energy question.
Invitations and Committments
Submitted by vabeachgal on
What is up with that behavior? I found out that several people were angry with me because I "never" agreed to socialize. Ummm. They made the invitations through my husband who would decide for me whether or not I wanted to participate and then make up whatever he wanted as the excuse.
An individual actually called me to confront me on the issue before I realized what was going on. It similarly, took a loooonnnngggg time to get my H to stop this behavior and I made it known to him that I had talked to those near and dear to us and expressed the need to extend the invitations to me directly, not second hand, as I had no control over his actions... that they could just assume that if they invited me through my H, I never received the invitation.
Another thing that is crazy, is that he often tells me of the invitations after the fact... WTH? He'll make a comment about an event and say, oh, they were missing you.... again... WTH???? He truly will decide for me whether or not I want to attend something... and then promptly forget all of our family obligations. Go figure. It embarrassed him to be called out like that but no more embarrassed than I was to hear that I had offended people I care about.
Anyway, in keeping with the parameters of the initial post - the adaptive behavior is that I had to be proactive with our social group and make my needs and H's limitations known. I must spearhead our social calendar.
I similarly have not found a scheduling solution. Anything I have ever tried in 14 years just meant duplicated work for me. My H would never consult any system I created, participate in creating one of his own design or respond appropriately to messages or reminders.
NoworNever...energy
Submitted by MrsADD (not verified) on
Thanks for the feedback, I have pretty much concluded on scheduling the same thing. Next time he tells me he told me last week, I am going to start saying unless it is in an email or some other verifiable source I will assume you are making excuses. And LOL we do have a dog....his! I feed and water that thing all the time and he is a really anxious dog so I also have to take it to the park for a run which would not be bad if he did not try to herd everyone at the park. Kid childcare schedule, yeah I tried that for about 2 years then put them in daycare full time. I tried to get him to do the morning daycare run b/c I go to work early, that has been a hit or miss. I used to get so angry about it but now I don't care. The only time I tell him to deal with it is if he wakes up and tells me I have to take them. Then I throw up the firewall and say, I will help you get them ready till 7:20 then I have to leave for work. You figure it out. You know what he does, sit in his chair surf his phone and drink coffee. Such an A__ sometimes I tell you. But I at least stand my ground....keeping some of my energy. The rule is you tell me the night before or you deal with the problem. The shitty part is my kids get caught in the middle of this firewall crap when it involves Dad's schedule. So I tend to have a weak firewall when it may affect them seriously. It is one of the reason's I am still trying to work on this marriage they love him to pieces and he is a good loving dad. I fear if we lived elsewhere they would not see him much b/c of the psyco head schedule he has. At least when he has to come home they see him and if he has to take them to daycare that day he spends time with them, otherwise I am not sure this would be a consistent "head" schedule for him even if the court ordered it. I should have realized he had schedule issues when he would forget we had a date and call me while out with friend after he was an hour late to pick me up. At the time I thought it was weird but chalked up to being quirky. Wow was I naive!
OMG Yes......"What Should Be"
Submitted by kellyj on
This is where...somehow.....I'm different in this way. That "should be" thing....drives me crazy with my wife and I do know why with her. She can't remember her childhood very well for all intensive purposes....."what should be"....is what she was "suppose to do"....but either "didn't do it"....or "couldn't do it" the way it presented to her with her family situation that was shall we say.....confusing, to say the least? As I see her doing the same thing your H is doing......any "new idea" is immediately "dissmissed" as irrelevant because......"insert invalid reason here lol " that makes sense....if you apply the source from which it came.
I already brought this up once before....but for example: "Did your parents allow you to put you're feet up on the coffee table? Where did you grow up....in a barn???"
My answer would be......"Yes"....and that's the end of it. Why you might ask? Because of that "in a barn part" tacked onto the end of that sarcastic remark. This goes back to those insane "old wives" tales that I for one.....heard them all!! lol And I set out as my mission in life very early on....to disprove all those myths (and be a Myth Buster ) just to prove how ridiculous they were.
Here's me.....running that down for my mom for example if she were to have said that to me. "Let's see mom....so what you're telling me is.....people who grew up in barns put their feet on coffee tables? Is that what you're trying to say to me here? How ridiculous is that? Who ever came up with that one I might add??"
Which of course....got my mom all flustered and she would come back and say....."well don't do that anymore." But she had already opened the door up with a reason in her first attempt to teach me not to do that...and now.....I want to know "why?".
"Why?". Which would then lead to her trying to come up with a valid reason for not putting your feet up on the coffee table which usually had to do with manners or etiquette. Strike two on that one mom.....let's try again. What is SO wrong....with putting your feet up ...on your own coffee table.....in your own home......when no one is around to see you do it.....and it's not hurting the coffee table AT ALL ( assuming this is true )....since....it's actually more comfortable to stretch out if there's no ottoman....than having to sit upright when you just want to relax and be comfortable?
"So now.....it goes from...it's because you grew up in a barn....to .....it's impolite even when no ones around???? Okay....give me a break. That's not a good reason not to do it. Let's try this again mom?" By this time...she was usually getting really irritated since she had no "real reason" to offer me. But she would continue to try and give me....more "non-reasons" as to why which finally boiled down to my Grandmother and what my mom was taught....in exactly the same way but she.....didn't need any other reason to do something or not do something.....even if it made no sense to her what so ever. Do as you're told.....that's why!!!!
Me again...."No....."do as your told....is not "a reason" for not putting your feet up on the coffee table. If you can't give me a good reason like I ask.....then why do I have to do what I'm told if what I'm told....makes no sense what so ever and you can't give me a "Good Reason".
Which usually led to my mom....either leaving the room completely "flustered and baffled" or her getting angry with me and threatening me with some kind of punishment.
"Ah....I see where this is going......well....we'll see about that!!!" Which is when I proceeded...to go disprove these "non reasons"....with actual facts....by doing what ever I was told...not to do....if it didn't have a "good reason" as to "why" which always came from these "highly suspect" statements that start out with....."Barns" and end up in our "living room" and somehow...there's a connection here that makes no sense what so ever!!! LOL My mission in life when it came to these moments with my mother....was to prove to her.....the invalidity of these ridiculous statements that she would make....that weren't even hers to begin with? I already held my grandmother in contempt....for doing this when my mother and father were out of town and she stayed with us.....I wasn't about to sit still and have these completely irrational and illogical :"old wives tales" determine if I did something or not???? LOL
The same as it was like having to wait an hour after you eat before you go swimming. Just one of many....completely refutable and ridiculous things to come up with....that make absolutely "no sense" in terms of connecting anything understandable to them in any way other than to sound you are being "Bullshitted"....just to get you to do something by means of control....via these "stupid and ridiculous" ideas that someone....somewhere....came up with??? How stupid is that???" lol
That was me as a kid (or a close approximate conversation I might have had with my mom ) And then what I did in order to counter those "absurdities" as I saw them. She could have said to me....."because I don't want you to get dirt off your shoes on the coffee table" and that would have made sense. But with no shoes on....and you still are being told not to.....the question as to "why" remains unanswered?? And with no good reason "why" after your shoes come off....it boils right down to "do as your told...and don't question "why"?"
That....right there.....did NOT sit well with me I can tell you!! LOL And then I set out to disprove these things...any time my mother would try and pull those things on me which was me really....trying to hold my mom accountable for the things she'd say without knowing this was what I was doing? What she was doing...was passing along misguided or misinformation....that I had already determined was false by actually following those things enough times to go...."yeah....that's not working for me"....and then found an alternative on my own...that did work and then just did that instead no matter what my mom would say. This started when I was really little too. I was a complete 'smart ass"..."wise guy".....but only with my mom. If my Dad was around.....I wouldn't have dreamed up even opening my mouth!! For good reason too.....old school. lol
But I hear my wife saying these same things that come out her mouth that my mother would say or things similar. She'll say......"what it is she wants or doesn't like.....but then comes those 'non-reasons" again....I know exactly where they came from. Her mother....the same as it was with me....but when I ask where she heard that or if she remembered being taught those things and where did she learn them....she'll say "I can't remember? I didn't keep track of all those things when I was growing up???? How are you suppose to remember those things?"
Well.....I remember them....and remember them well. I not only "remembered them" but I set out to disprove them by running my un-scientific....passive aggressive and somewhat oppositional defiant experiment....by just doing it anyway and seeing what would happen. And when nothing happened as I was warned against....I privately thought my grandmother was retarded and that my mother was a fool to believe her....all saidd and done. LOL
It was the way in which things were taught to you...and everything had some dire consequence to be afraid of that made no sense what so ever. It was also really patronizing and disrespectful to your intelligence....to think that people could just make this shit up like that in unsubstantiated ways....and think, that somehow.....just because they say it.....that I'm going to believe you since....every time you tell me these things....I go out and find out your wrong??? LOL
Anyway Dancermom......that little run down...gives you an idea of why I turned out the way I did...in comparison to my wife now as I see her clearly......still answering to her mothers "old wives tales" and still doing things certain ways....because that's what she's "suppose to do" and the way things "should be."
Say's who? Who's this WE.....you got a turd in your pocket??? (my favorite comeback line to my mom....by the time I was a teenager that would get a blank look on her face and had no idea what I was talking about other than to say......"don't say "turd".....it's not polite." LOL!!!!!!
J
Such a useful ADHD household hacks!
Submitted by SuperMommy on
These are great ADHD household hacks!
Definitely will use some of these. Here are mine:
1. A Place for Everything and Everything In Its Place: For years, when we had a tiny NYC apartment, the ADHD spouse was given a shoebox sized basket at the front door to place wallet, keys, phone and avoid those being strewn all over upon coming home and ultimately lost. We're older now with a house and kids and the same theory applies, All shoes are kept by the door, shoes, keys, wallet, etc...are grouped together and we have an overall household rule that we always put things where they belong. This has cut down not only on spouse losing items, but on kiddie temper tantrums over lost favorite toys.
2. Go Paperless: I pay all household bills and do so electronically. I went paperless a long time ago and instead get email alerts when a bill is due. Weirdly some of the companies are still sending paper bills (which drives me nuts from a clutter perspective), but at least I know when things are due. Before this, ADHD spouse would collect the mail and either hide bills he didn't want me to see or forget he'd gotten the household mail and stuff it in his laptop bag and weeks later I'd find overdue notices. Now, he's asked not to bring in the mail (sometimes he forgets this) and when he does there is a special basket for it.
3. Live by the lists: Every morning, on the commute I go over with him a list of household things he needs to do. He writes this as a text to himself and me and refers to it throughout the day when checking things off. Even if the items are repetitive from the previous day, we put them on the list anyway because it helps jog his memory (he often gets distracted with the lure of new "projects", which means tasks are unfinished). I recently bought cruise ship tags and will put checklists in them and attach them to my kids' book bags so that the new babysitter will know exactly what should return home when picking them up. This will also help him on those occasions when he might have to help fill in. Eventually the kids will be able to use these to help remind themselves.
4. Simplify requests: This was a biggie. I used to overwhelm him, I think, with too many requests at once. Now all of the requests are very simple and sequential. For example, in the morning he is only responsible for getting showered and dressed. Then he has to walk the dog. After that, he puts the kids in car seats. This has cut down on confusion in the morning where he's upstairs creating additional busy work for himself (and frankly me) which led to stressful arguments. His ADHD manifests in these situations as a desire to pack in a bunch of extra tasks ahead of a deadline--getting out of the door on time, for example. Ultimately, these things are done poorly because he is rushing and he is late. It's an executive function, time management issue. We eliminated that by eliminating the extra tasks. And when he has the urge to pack on more, I redirect to the singular task at hand.
5. Hire out: This has made my life so much easier in a lot of ways. I work a full time job that requires often 50+ hours a week and a second night job as a college professor teaching several hours a week. We also have two young kids. At a friend's suggestion years ago, I hired a lovely woman to come and clean the house thoroughly twice a month. Spouse initially resented and resisted this, saying he could handle. He couldn't (would do stuff like use dirty mop water to clean sinks, poorly wash clothes, leave surfaces sticky--cleaning is not his forte). And I didn't have the time to clean as well as my mama taught me ;0). The help is well worth the expense and I happily go without new clothes and salon visits to pay for the help. Ditto on lawn care--a task I'd often ask spouse to do and it was often forgotten. Now a nice guy in the neighborhood does it. Spouse was chronically late on school pickups and drop offs. I rearranged my work schedule to handle all drop-offs now and hired a sitter to do pickups. Spouse's hyper focus is household fix-it jobs. But he may or may not do them in a timely manner. So instead, I hire a handyman to do jobs. If spouse gets to it first, great, job canceled. If not, at least I have someone who will do it when it needs doing.
6. Limit access to household funds: This was another tip from a friend years ago when ADHD and poor financial management first began to ruin our lives. He would forget about his bills and then draw from the main account. He also has poor spending habits and buy things on a whim without thinking about the consequences to the budget. Timeshares. Flatscreens. Expensive cable packages. We're talking pricey stuff. We got separate personal bank accounts and one main household account. I tally how much of his check needs to go into the main account and the rest goes into his personal account. I pay all household bills, kid activity fees, groceries, gas, etc... out of the main. And though he has access, he is not allowed to go into that main account without talking to or texting me about it first during the day. All of his personal credit card, student loan, etc... bills come out of his personal account.
7. Plan ahead: I feel as if I am constantly planning ahead. It's no use doing a shared calendar. He refuses to look. So, I tell him a week ahead of time in a planning convo what needs to go on the personal calendar on his phone and have him set an alert to remind himself a day and then an hour ahead of time. This includes doctor's appointments, kid recitals, nights when I have class or late meetings or out of town trips. It has really helped him stay in the loop. I plan everything and also coordinate with the kids teachers', fellow parents, the sitter (no use in asking him, it overwhelms him) and then put things like lessons, birthday parties, activities on my phone calendar as well to serve as a master list. I only ask him to put it on his calendar if it directly impacts him, otherwise he'd be overwhelmed with too much info. I also plan my shopping lists (he loves and does the grocery shopping) and specify the amount of an item needed and amount to be spent. Otherwise he'd buy 10 loaves of bread if they were on sale because it's a good deal and they'd go bad before we could eat them. Doing this has helped rein in the shopping budget.
8. Budget, budget, budget: I am constantly budgeting everything and build in a little room for what I call "the shenanigans fund". That's the extra money I know we'll have to pay because of some ADHD related matter. For example, parking and speeding tickets (ugh) which because I'm listed first on the registration always come addressed to me if the speeding was tracked on one of those cameras (it's a different matter when a cop pulls him over directly . Luckily, with removing most of the driving duties from the ADHD spouse I'm FINALLY starting to see a decline in these. Over the years he's gotten thousands of dollars in tickets--usually because he overestimates how much time he has, adds in a bunch of new tasks, gets behind, rushes and speeds or doesn't pay attention to the parking rules. Now, with the ParkMobile app, he also gets an alert on his phone when it's time to feed the meter and it automatically debits out of an online account. I still live in fear of car accidents, he's had fender benders with the kids in the car (and yet he wonders why I said heck no to using the car to work for Lyft or Uber). Every time the phone rings and he has them in the car, my heart jumps. My first question is "Are the kids ok?" But I try to ensure he drives as little as possible and pray, really hard.
9. Make room for the special moments: It's all too easy to get sucked into the parentifying aspect of living with someone with someone with ADHD who refuses to seek consistent therapy, coaching, and medication regulation. We were all buffeted by his chaos and the ensuing financial and emotional drama in some very toxic ways. I took a hard look and erected some much needed firewalls. As my own therapist says, "learn not to get sucked into the crazy." Instead of focusing on him and his problems, I detached and redirected and spend a lot more time giving TLC to the kids and myself. Removing him from the morning routine (and his scattered, helter skelter approach to the day) has meant me being able to get to the gym in the am while they sleep. It means that when I return I can get the kids ready calmly. We cuddle and giggle, make pancakes together--and we still get out of the door on time. Instead of car rides spent debating some financial slip or forgotten bit of business, taking care of all finances has freed me up to spend that time chatting with the kids about their upcoming day and their day when it ends. We go over lessons, chat about the things we see on the route and make up silly stories. At night we read together and I sing their special songs. The weekends are special time in which we explore museums and festivals. Being separated has been one of the best things I could have done for myself and the kids...and frankly for him. It has empowered him to take control of his own life without me being there to fix missteps.
You're separated?
Submitted by adhd32 on
Your post sounds like you are living in the same house, especially the point about commuting. I was wondering what he contributes to the relationship because it sounds like you take care of all the hard stuff and he just gets to coast.
question for supermommy
Submitted by MrsADD (not verified) on
Do you live together but have separate lives (firewalls?) I am confused by your last paragraph #9. If having separate lives (firewalls) not "separated" do you find it hard to be physically/emotionally attracted to your spouse as I do? This is a battle I am losing. I just look at him and think uggg!
Finances: I physically paid
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Finances: I physically paid almost all the bills, using either my own account (to which H didn't have access) or a joint account. We split the $$ responsibility 50-50. The only bill I didn't pay was H's credit card. I didn't care if he got burned by not paying it on time.
And here's a tip for everyone
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
And here's a tip for everyone, whether or not they have ADHD. When someone in the family is going to be traveling by plane, I ask the traveler to show me crucial items (his or her photo ID and phone) after we are sitting in the car but before we leave the driveway.
rosered
Submitted by Zapp10 on
dying laughing too......how many times did that take?
Bill paying tip
Submitted by jennalemone on
If your spouse doesn't pay bills on time, or doesn't contribute to paying bills, the BEST of my solutions came when I made H responsible for the electricity (electric heat at our house). I told him, HE was in charge. I put the bills for the electricity on his desk each time they came. I did not pay the bills. The electricity was cut off in sub-zero weather. I went to a nice hotel with a swimming pool for a couple days while he called me repeatedly to say he didn't have the money and was freezing. I kept to my guns and said, call me when the electricity is back on...work it out. A few days later, he had found a job, and has never been late paying the electricity again. He even much later said it was a good thing I did that...although at the time he was trying hard to make me feel guilty and afraid about being so mean and letting him in the cold.
Also, after a couple years of him saying that he couldn't pay the real estate taxes, and that I needed to pay them "just this time" at the last day due or else we would incur the IRS to come and fine us, I also let that just go....saying I would not pay the real estate taxes and HE would have to find a way to pay the amount due and the fines. He said he did not have that much money. I said, tell it to the IRS. He stopped expecting me to pay the taxes. At the time, I was working for and paying all the bills.
it helps to write these things out and let people read this. When we are in a situation that has slowly grown worse over a long time, we sometimes don't realize where we have ended up and don't see the craziness of it. Now that I am writing this, I can see how stupid and naive and confused and conditioned and manipulated I have been to have let this situation get this bad...and also how irresponsible and probably mentally (or morally) challenged H really is.
Except for the stupid, jenna
Submitted by Zapp10 on
(and I get why you say that).....you are right....Now that I am writing this, I can see how stupid and naive and confused and conditioned and manipulated I have been to have let this situation get this bad...
I look back on myself and can now accept where my head was at. Nothing to do with my H....everything to do with me. He doesn't like when I say..."we were BOTH very immature, clueless and thought we knew it all and we BOTH made mistakes. I myself intend to change some things....you yourself can decide your intentions too....and we don't HAVE TO line up with each other......and we can STILL have a good marriage". My H does not play well with people. He is happy in his life. He doesn't need emotion,intimacy, small talk, knowing side glances. He is a steady eddie as long as "things" "people" don't have needs. He doesn't like surprises for him, gifts..eh he can take 'em or leave 'em. Doesn't like "enthusiasm" around (thinks people are weird like that). His voice is monotone and his face expressionless no matter what he is describing or talking about. Genuine warmth and affection make awkward fleeting appearances. I am writing this out (per Jenna's suggestion) because THIS is not who I married. Somewhere where along the way.....that person left...so quietly and smoothly. I miss that man.
The a_ _ that showed up doesn't stand a chance with me.
he pays the internet and phone bills
Submitted by dancermom on
and this works because he would die without either. We each put money in a joint a/c which pays all household expenses and bills.
Having three a/c is really helpful - his, mine, and ours. I do not micromanage "his" at all.
We have taken turns paying bills out of the joint a/c, because this one is hard for me, too. So, I resent it and didn't really want to take it over completely for always (along with all other household management tasks). However, many disasters have happened.
Now, I took back most bills and, I have managed to get almost all the rest on auto-pay (controlled from our bank a/c) which he really resisted at first, but now has accepted for the past few years.
He has a small side business and so our joint return depends on him... and thus our 2015 taxes have not been filed. GRRR. Married filing separate we would pay more, so I haven't been willing to split it out.
Thank you
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Thank you for posting this topic. Wow. Non-adhd spouses live in our worlds for so long it is easy to lose sight of the real world. Until you posted this topic, I didn't give much thought to all of the adaptive techniques and workarounds I employ. Sigh. I spend a lot of time and energy working around a situation not of my choosing. When I get to the bottom of it, it comes down to choices. Because of the circumstances of ADHD and all of the fenceposts I need to put up, I don't get a lot of choice in what I do or how I spend my time. How about that? Epiphany. Choices are taken away from me because my husband makes decisions for me (financial, social, work, you name it) and my choices become limited because I'm responding to chaos control all the time. If my H doesn't do something I no longer have a choice about whether I want to or not. My H does what he wants without regard or concern about consequences or withholds information I need to made reasonable decisions and therefore defines my life and reality - takes away my choices. Eureka. How would I live my life without these impositions? What would that life look like? Is the question we need to ask ourselves this: Is it right that someone else defines our reality and limits our choices?
thank you....
Submitted by MrsADD (not verified) on
Yes I needed this post and discussion too, I need advice on how other's deal with certain issues. Some of the post's on here have helped me say "ok that is not going to change" and "oh I didn't think of that maybe I will try" I would be gone if it were not for the two amazing kids we created together, the fact that he does try to behave differently but it never goes very far due to the ADHD, and b/c I seriously cannot support myself right now on just my income. I am working on that last one though so I have mroe choices. Two years into a marriage and shared life I stopped letting him determine all the outcomes and took back my life! And I am so thankful I had this epiphany. It was hard to change back after having two little ones back to back but I did it and I am doing so much better now and the firewalls help me keep some of my energy... we are coming up on year 4 of marriage and it has been the longest 4 years of my life!
Gratitude from me to all, too
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
'M astonished, but have been similarly astonished before, that I'm new in this relation with my ADHD spouse, so many things are different among us all, age, kids or not, where we live and to me a big big thing, what our own prior histories and what our ADHD spouse's histories are...and in this thread at least, whose topic, roughly, is workarounds and problemsolving,and I'm being blown away that we're struggling with some same things.
OK,energy, MrsADD, you asked about energy? Well, I reread the thread. The solution to this problem or that that was throwing your life out of kilter and depleting..the solution that worked for people in this thread....was boundaries and willingness to let the partner experience, and not tourist experience, experience the real, grown up, fall out consequences of his/her own decisions and actions, and give him her the space necessary to clean up his/her mess that he/she made, and make a change. That's what you all said. It worked, or worked better, when he/she figured out and did his/her own fix. That's my experience, although yes, too, my husband at times has trained his mind on what I'm saying, and helped with problem solving.
This makes me cry. This is what you do for kids, so they can learn to take consequences, make wise, caring choices, and carry them out. This is what you do for addicts, whether it's dry addicts, like I used to be addicted to being the helper, believing falsely that I could fix aka control what was going crazy and wrong in a relation, or any other kind of addict, an addict to controlling other people, to Warofworlds, to porn or to a substance. Addicts have to hit their own bottoms, not yours or mine, if they're going to see their way to change
that seems to be the big thing in this thread, that makes the difference, so the helper/fixer/backstop partner isnt bled dry. Stick to your guns. Insist on healthy limits. Live your life within the situation. Take the high road. You're worth caring for yourself, and not exposing yourself to low class treatment,and let or require your (adult) partner to live the consequences of his/her own choices. Take care of the kids, dogs and cats in the house, because they didnt volunteer for this and are beings.
Beyond that, if I'm taught by this thread, the best that I can do for my spouse is to take the consequences of my own decisions and actions, and let my spouse live the consequences of his. AKA neither my spouse or I get a hall pass, to avoid taking the exam.
Hmmmmm. Well, without the details, one of the toughest things in my adult life, not the general world, the friend world and the work world, but whe I got into the intimate, I got into a dating relation, etc, was boundaries. Too much to say about it. It goes back to my body and soul when I was a baby and a little girl. But life hands you lessons when you are ready for them. (I believe that.).
This ADHD thing is requiring of me boundaries like I've never boundaried before. C may understand this: God's such a comedian, always pulling off reversals of what you think you've got reality pinned down to be.
So. If you're right in this thread, hubs and have I much less of a chinaman's chance, as a couple, and I get no rest and freedom in this relation, if I dont stick up for limits, the boundaries that make possible my wellbeing, and our peaceable life together.
I cant tell you how much I love my husband, energy sucking as yes some of his needs are. How I insist, with more iron will than I would wish to use, on my wellbeing and on ours and his...is still quite an open question.
Kudos to you.
firewalls and energy
Submitted by MrsADD (not verified) on
Yes not taking care of everything for my spouse has helped with the energy level for sure. Although I see he is irritated by this. Oh well for him!
I'm now divorced but still
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm now divorced but still dealing with much of my ex-h's junk. I'm not particularly neat but I do know where things are generally and I know to avoid storing items where they are vulnerable to animals (i.e., in the basement, where mice congregate). I reminded ex-h several times of the legal deadline (per the divorce agreement) for him to remove things he wanted; extended the deadline a few times; and then started to get rid of things. I give away usable items, either to a charity or via Craigslist ("free at curb"). I throw away items that are damaged. I recycle things that can be recycled. I plan to rent a dumpster next month, for disposal of things too big to go into the garbage can. I'm not happy about being left with all the junk but I'm persevering through the hassle and my feelings of disgust at having to touch the items with mouse droppings or spider webs on them.
weekly calendar idea....could work?
Submitted by MrsADD (not verified) on
I got this on a FB post and thought it might be a good reminder tool for ADHD person and it looks cool hopefully this link works https://www.facebook.com/buzzfeednifty/videos/1748679648720093/