Submitted by dedelight4 on 09/16/2014.
Maybe this is a redundant question, but I was wondering something. Does the adhd by itself cause folks to blame others for their inability to do certain things? or is it their way of coping with constant failures on certain issues? I know there is a difference in the frontal lobe of their brains, and certain behaviors are difficult and challenging, but I was just wondering about the blame part. Any ideas on this?
It is the frontal lobe!
Submitted by kalexandria on
You're right on target and here's why. It's a bit scary though, and something I struggle with myself with my ADD significant other. The person with ADD has a neurological misfire between 2 parts of the brain, the latter being the frontal lobe. The frontal lobe is responsible for the "look before you leap" or think before you speak type of behavior. It governs the overall behavior and helps us reason out the consequences of actions before we act on them. When the process misfires, as it does with ADD, the result is action based on impulse. But that's just part of it. The frontal lobe also governs empathy as it acts as a moderating emotion. The ability to put ones self in the other's position often does not occur in individuals with ADD, at least not in real time. This inability to implement empathy in its most natural form results in an individual who is necessarily egotistical. This individual lacks the ability to see things from a perspective other than his/her own. You are essentially dealing with the emotional equivalent of a 2 year old child. If your spouse/other is behaving like a 2 year old, that is why. It has been my experience that this person can achieve some empathy in hindsight, if they take the time to honestly evaluate things at a later date but they need to make a concerted effort to do so. The knee jerk reaction of the 2 year old is to blame others since he/she can only feel and see what directly impacts them.
I struggle with this everyday with my bf. I love him dearly but his egocentrism borders on narcissism. I suppose what bothers me most is that I sometimes wonder if he has a conscience at all. The lack of empathy is also characteristic in certain Autism spectrum and sociopathic disorders. That, my dear friend, is the scariest part! Best of luck. Don't expect to make a lot of headway in getting this person to take responsibility for their behavior. You will only anger them if you press the point. My best advice is to keep your sense of humor. And If you want them to know how it feels, give them a dose of their own medicine!!! Maybe that will get your point across, just take cover before the fallout!!!
Empathy and rationalizations
Submitted by crossingfingers... on
Kalexandria,
How do you deal with that in your bf? My bf does exactly the same thing to the point where I figure he must know how ridiculous he sounds. Last night we were both going to different places with friends, and I said l'd like it if maybe he could meet me when I get off the train, so let's check in. I just moved to the suburbs and I'm nervous to walk in the dark alone at night. I texted him once before 8pm asking generally when he might be back, and heard nothing. I texted again two hours later and heard nothing. I called before getting on the train and he answers with "Let me call you back." No "hi," and I couldn't get a word in edgewise. He was at a bar with a guy friend who isn't even a good friend and didn't take one minute to talk to me. Today he said he wanted me to know that he felt the call, so that's why he answered. Great.
Today I tried to talk to him about this. He said he told me they were meeting at 8, so he didn't text me back because he thought I knew he wasn't there yet/was driving/was running late and didn't "hang around outside" to text me back. When I said "you didn't tell me you were meeting at 8, you never told me a time," he said "Well when did you expect me to get there?" That is an outrageous question in my opinion--how on earth would I know? And doesn't he know that that's an outrageous question? When I said I felt like it was rude that he answered the phone the way he did, and that it felt like he was trying to shut me down, he said he was in the middle of a conversation and wasn't going to interrupt it with a phone conversation. I literally only needed to ask when he was leaving the bar! I didn't even get that far. Then he texted that he basically didn't feel like rushing out. The irony of it all is he called me "entitled." Everything about his rationalizations are blaming and invalidating and disrespectful. He seems entitled to think it's okay to treat me like that. He told me he felt bad for feeling like he broke a promise when in fact he promised nothing. I tried to explain that it isn't that he didn't show up but the way he treated me in the process that was so upsetting. I don't think he understands it because he is right in his own mind.
I agree with what you said about them being unable to experience empathy in the moment. I'm sure that's exactly what happened--he was running late, got distracted, he felt busy, and couldn't understand that I had been trying to reach him and that it felt rude to not even hear "hi" when he answered the phone. The way he answered was the equivalent of "I don't have time for you right now." What really gets me is the lack of self-reflection in hindsight, and how he tries to paint me as a whiny child who didn't get her way, when that couldn't be further from the truth.
I thought I was ending the conversation today when I said "It isn't about me getting my way, I just want to feel responded to and cared about." Somehow that provoked him further. You wrote that they can only see what impacts them, and I think that's true as well. What's especially difficult about this is my bf is a 27-year-old man who refuses to see his behavior or apologize. How are you planning on dealing with what you described above in your relationship in the long term? I have been with my bf for a long time and I don't have a game plan. I am not a vindictive person, but giving him a dose of his own medicine (not being communicative with him) is better for me right now than wasting my energy, but I also know that that doesn't fix anything. Meanwhile every week feels like a rollercoaster. Help!
Couple of guesses
Submitted by sunlight on
"Does the adhd by itself cause folks to blame others for their inability to do certain things?"
In my view, No. My ADHD husband is always criticising himself (to an infuriating degree, I really have trouble keeping cool sometimes when he is engaging in verbal self-flagellation over something he could not be expected to have known/done or that he did wrong).
"or is it their way of coping with constant failures on certain issues?"
Yes, maybe it is learned early in childhood as a way of fighting back at disapproval from authority figures who refuse to look at their own issues and deflect attention on to the child so as to take the spotlight off themselves (I am implying undiagnosed older family members including possibly parents). The generational cycle often seems to be an issue.
Not Sure, but DH is this way
Submitted by boilergirl on
I am not sure if it is my DH's ADHD or something else, but he is constantly blaming others. In fact, just tonight I found a notepad of his. He wrote "How I screwed up my life" then he crossed out "I" and wrote God. After that he wrote "You screwed up my life, God. Thank you." Oh my word, is he serious???? He never takes responsibility for his actions. I do think it is some kind of coping technique.