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is the same way. The behavior is familiar as my husband and my sister both behave the same way. You can't take it personally and when you have a need to talk, talk to a friend that will listen. I've learned to accept that it's just the way they are, not my best friends...
It's just a different kind of friendship. She's more of a superficial or surface level kind of friend or acquaintance. This particular friend has actually told me that I'm one of her best friends. (?) I've known her for a long time and it's been fairly recently that she's been working with controlling her ADD. We chat now and then, get together for a movie or church function but that is it. A friend who can share the same interests and be a good conversationalist is much more enjoyable to be around and I spend more time with them. I spend time with the ADDgals right here. They are the only ones I can really relate to. I know I can't see them or talk to them and I can't always keep track of who they are but, I'm glad we all have an opportunity to share and connect here.
Funny, where ever I go it seems I end up next to someone with ADD. Maybe they just remind me of ADD and that's enough for me to avoid any new friendships. I had an instructor last summer with what had to be ADHD, it was the first class I've taken and cried over. I was involved in a meeting with a gal who was described by someone there as a squirrel with ADD. I'm not planning on meeting with her again.
So, I guess for me making new friends with ADD is slim. And, I'll keep my old friend at a bit of a distance....
When you say "maybe they just remind me of ADD, and thats enough for me", I am experiencing that same kind of experience. I don't know if its paranoia, but you should of seen me with my husbands last two therapists. First question that popped out of my mouth was "Are you ADD too"? One of his doctors was late, then never apologized for his tardiness, then as I'm looking around in his office...things looked so unorganized. I just had to blurt it out. I felt dumb when he told me no. But somehow I was still in disbelief. Somehow, yes, I find that being in a relationship with someone w/ADD/HD, has totally left me w/trust issues with a touch of paranoia. I find myself being very observant of others and comparing their behaviors in relations to ADD/HD. All I know is that I'm trying to mend & heal from all of my painful experiences from my spouse...I would definitely run for the hills and not choose to create any new friendships that reminded me of ANYTHING of ADHD. I don't want to offend anyone, and it's not that I'm judging or think less of anyone who does have it. It's just a personal choice I need to make now, considering that I haven't completely gotten over my personal issues stemming from it. Any survivors out there who can comment on if they actually recover completely & get back to their true selves? Just wondering on what to expect.
WOW.............I am sitting here going OMG that is so me. That is exactly how I have treated some of my closest friends. At the age of 44, I have just began to study my own issues with ADHD which I have struggled with throughout my life. I never realized that it was affecting my relationships. I always thought it meant I was a scatter brain, not able to focus too long on one thing at a time, leave things unattended, just a real organizational nightmare with the attention span of a (dare I say) squirrel!!! Since looking more closely at ADHD and the different "symptoms" that happen in ones life I have come to realize that it affects people around me on a much stronger level. You see, at times we are oblivious. It is not an excuse, or acceptable in any sense at all, but we truly are oblivious. The confusion to our friends and partners is at times devastating. I know for myself I tend to hyperfocus on people and then virtually drop them, then go back and hyperfocus, a repetitious hurtful cycle. But to me, and I can only speak for myself, I love my friends. Very much. I care for them, I want them in my life. I KNOW THAT. The trouble lies with the fact that they don't know it, and at times, they don't feel it. My mission now is to make sure I remember to let them know how I feel. Not just for a day, but always. Sadly I have failed many times. Too many times to count. I thank God that I have special people in my life, people that obviously see the cycle and somehow give me a lot of grace where it comes to friendship. I am now working on "deserving" that grace. To all who have commented above, on behalf of your ADD/ADHD friends, I am so truly sorry for the pain and frustration their (my) behavior has caused you. I know at times it may not feel like it,, but your ADD/ADHD friend DOES care about you, DOES want you in their life, DOES need you.............we are a breed that needs a lot of work...............but we each have to be willing to admit that our actions cause hurt, emotional distress and anger. :(
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and being so honest. After reading the replies to my question and other posts on this forum, I'm beginning to understand how ADD/ADHD can affect ALL relationships. One thing I still am wondering about is my friend seems to treat her other friends better than me. Maybe it seems that way because I'm on the outside of their relationship looking in, or could it be she's better able to focus on people she cares more for?
If it means anything to you at all..............confront the issue...........I have been confronted of late and that is really what woke me up to do more research...............it meant a lot to me that my friend spoke up about how i was making her feel. I was devastated actually. I can't explain my actions, or the reasons that it happens. I know that I love each of my friends dearly. I am glad my close friend had the courage to tell me she felt like the friendship was one-sided a lot of the time. WAKE UP CALL FOR ME. I don't know if you have tried to talk to this friend or not..........it did wonders for my awareness. Good luck.........
PS. One of the things my friend told me was that it seemed that I was closer to other people when she watched my interactions with them. Funny thing is, she is my best friend and I feel closer to her than any of my other friends.. GO FIGURE.......... :(
I am so glad you took your friends advice.......most take it as criticism and avoid you. You are such a wonderful person to realize this! I try to bring issues like this to my adhd wife and she deflects my concerns 100% of the time and blames me. This is the refreshing part of what I see here.
even the ps part is monumental...............when my wife and I go out........she is typically more attentive, charming and attentive socially and ignores me completely. Thank goodness for me I am connected enough in the community thru my work, church and volunteer work that I don't need her on my arm to enjoy myself while she is doing her hyperfocusing, otherwise, it would be a difficult situation to be in. In my case, my spouse is unaware of social cues and I do have to swoop in and move her around the room. Most of the time she resents me for doing this and calls me names and says I am not social however, she can wear her welcome out quickly.
Thanks for the encouragement on my response for my friends friendship concerns. Although it would be easy for me to take a "pat on the back", I feel like I was graced with this wonderful friend in my life and that she is not the one that kicked me to the curb a long time ago. As I had mentioned earlier, I didn't even realize what I was doig with my social group, and especially not my closest dearest friend. I suppose you are right, I could have had a hissy fit, but when your best friend comes to you in earnest and in such an emotional way, it is a bit of a slap in the face, or like getting a bucket of cold water tossed in your face. I feel fortunate to have an opportunity to really learn about my disruptive behavior and consider it a gift that my friend gave me. I hope things improve with your wife, although she has to be willing to listen.
It really didn't even occur to me to confront anyone. My concern is that I'll be the one who gets berated for bringing it up because its not them, it's me, I'm the problem and boy, have I got a lot of nerve to say anything against them... never a good time! I have though, brought up different scenarios to use as examples to a friend. She would complain about a situation and assume someone's motives to be meaner than need be. I would try to diffuse the issue and offer an alternative perspective that was likely closer to the truth. It would make her stop and think and kept me off the hook but, I did not want to confront her directly.
After all the experience I've had with my ADD husband I've learned that these kind of situations can be volatile. It is good to hear that someone might consider another's perspective and value their insight.
Wow, this could have been written by me! No, you are not too sensitive. That is exactly what my former friend said to me! I found this site via the recent NY Times article that mentioned it. Having recently ended my decades long friendship with a friend who was diagnosed several years ago with ADD, I was curious to read this site to learn more about her incredibly irritating ways. She was divorced over 5 years ago and blames her ex 100% for everything. STILL. She blames her divorce for every problem in her life. She is great at deflecting blame away from herself. Reading some of the other forum topics, I am astounded at how much I recognize my former friend. The autofocus on a person - exactly! While I know this site is about marriage, the autofocus, the putting on a pedastal comments describe her friendships to a tee. It's very compelling at first - like a jr high BFF. You practically are wearing those heart necklaces broken in two! You do everything together, dress alike, talk alike - it's so appealing. It's like a relationship in a movie or tv show. That is how is was with my friend when we met towards the end of HS. I then moved out of state for college and remained out of state for the next 20 years, which, I think, explains why our friendship lasted. I only saw her a few times a year so I guess I was still like a shiny new toy to her. When we talked on the phone, it was all about her but I didn't mind so much because it was so entertaining. The men! The adventures! All her new BFF's that would come and go with such high drama! Oh, and it was always the others persons fault - she had been so wronged. This sort of behavior is fine when you are in your teens and twenties but it gets less and less appealing as time goes on. What is cute & quirky at 25 is sloppy & depressing at 45. She started blowing me off, ignoring me when I was around her, not returning emails or calls (only calling when convenient to her, usually some wildly inappropriate time like midnight on a school/work night) about 7 years ago.(Once I was happily married, had kids, a job, sober, a stable life) I let it slide & let it slide, trying to be a good friend. After a while though, I kept thinking of the saying "No one can walk all over you unless you lay down first". I got sick of being walked over. I kept trying to figure out what I did to make her treat me so poorly. I finally realized NOTHING - I DID NOTHING WRONG. When I tried to confront her about her behavior, she would turn defensive, blaming & attacking. She could never have an adult conversation about her behavior. Also, I felt by remaining her friend, I was accepting & condoning her terrible behavior that negatively affects her kids, her pets, her family. She self medicates with booze & pills, she can't hold a job, has no education, her home is disgusting, she dates inappropriate men(drug dealers, married men etc) she neglects her pets(no neutering/spaying, no vaccines, runs out of pet food etc) and is generally a bad mother. I am not usually a judgmental person. I have lots of close friends going back to preschool, I remain close to all my former roommates and most of my former boyfriends, am happily married, close to my parents and have a solid network of friends. Only this ADD friend treats me like dirt & then calls me selfish, demanding,a crybaby etc when I dare to bring up her hurtful behaviors. I thank God she was only a friend and not my spouse, child, or parent. As it is, I am able to escape the negative black hole that has become her life. I tried for years to be a true friend to her and she was not one to me. Oh, she SAID she loved me, I was like the sister she never had, I was her dearest & oldest friend etc. But words are cheap cheap cheap if there are no actions to back them up. I say distance yourself from your ADD friend unless she commits to getting help from a therapist, that she starts taking meds and that she makes amends/admits her flaws. My ex friend thinks her ADD is an excuse to continue acting like a jerk. She's like an alcoholic who still drinks booze. Just because you have a label that explains the behavior doesn't give you a free pass to not try and change or mitigate that behavior. She tried to make me out as the bad guy for abandoning her but she abandoned me a long time ago. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. It's sad, her life, and it's sad how she treated me like trash. I refuse to feel guilty for feeling my legit feelings anymore.
My ADD friend
Submitted by Clarity on
is the same way. The behavior is familiar as my husband and my sister both behave the same way. You can't take it personally and when you have a need to talk, talk to a friend that will listen. I've learned to accept that it's just the way they are, not my best friends...
friendship
Submitted by lily1 on
It makes me wonder if this kind of friendship is worth it.
I think it is
Submitted by Clarity on
It's just a different kind of friendship. She's more of a superficial or surface level kind of friend or acquaintance. This particular friend has actually told me that I'm one of her best friends. (?) I've known her for a long time and it's been fairly recently that she's been working with controlling her ADD. We chat now and then, get together for a movie or church function but that is it. A friend who can share the same interests and be a good conversationalist is much more enjoyable to be around and I spend more time with them. I spend time with the ADDgals right here. They are the only ones I can really relate to. I know I can't see them or talk to them and I can't always keep track of who they are but, I'm glad we all have an opportunity to share and connect here.
Funny, where ever I go it seems I end up next to someone with ADD. Maybe they just remind me of ADD and that's enough for me to avoid any new friendships. I had an instructor last summer with what had to be ADHD, it was the first class I've taken and cried over. I was involved in a meeting with a gal who was described by someone there as a squirrel with ADD. I'm not planning on meeting with her again.
So, I guess for me making new friends with ADD is slim. And, I'll keep my old friend at a bit of a distance....
U Crack Me Up
Submitted by hopeless in hawaii on
When you say "maybe they just remind me of ADD, and thats enough for me", I am experiencing that same kind of experience. I don't know if its paranoia, but you should of seen me with my husbands last two therapists. First question that popped out of my mouth was "Are you ADD too"? One of his doctors was late, then never apologized for his tardiness, then as I'm looking around in his office...things looked so unorganized. I just had to blurt it out. I felt dumb when he told me no. But somehow I was still in disbelief. Somehow, yes, I find that being in a relationship with someone w/ADD/HD, has totally left me w/trust issues with a touch of paranoia. I find myself being very observant of others and comparing their behaviors in relations to ADD/HD. All I know is that I'm trying to mend & heal from all of my painful experiences from my spouse...I would definitely run for the hills and not choose to create any new friendships that reminded me of ANYTHING of ADHD. I don't want to offend anyone, and it's not that I'm judging or think less of anyone who does have it. It's just a personal choice I need to make now, considering that I haven't completely gotten over my personal issues stemming from it. Any survivors out there who can comment on if they actually recover completely & get back to their true selves? Just wondering on what to expect.
I am the one with ADHD
Submitted by madeyoulaff65 on
WOW.............I am sitting here going OMG that is so me. That is exactly how I have treated some of my closest friends. At the age of 44, I have just began to study my own issues with ADHD which I have struggled with throughout my life. I never realized that it was affecting my relationships. I always thought it meant I was a scatter brain, not able to focus too long on one thing at a time, leave things unattended, just a real organizational nightmare with the attention span of a (dare I say) squirrel!!! Since looking more closely at ADHD and the different "symptoms" that happen in ones life I have come to realize that it affects people around me on a much stronger level. You see, at times we are oblivious. It is not an excuse, or acceptable in any sense at all, but we truly are oblivious. The confusion to our friends and partners is at times devastating. I know for myself I tend to hyperfocus on people and then virtually drop them, then go back and hyperfocus, a repetitious hurtful cycle. But to me, and I can only speak for myself, I love my friends. Very much. I care for them, I want them in my life. I KNOW THAT. The trouble lies with the fact that they don't know it, and at times, they don't feel it. My mission now is to make sure I remember to let them know how I feel. Not just for a day, but always. Sadly I have failed many times. Too many times to count. I thank God that I have special people in my life, people that obviously see the cycle and somehow give me a lot of grace where it comes to friendship. I am now working on "deserving" that grace. To all who have commented above, on behalf of your ADD/ADHD friends, I am so truly sorry for the pain and frustration their (my) behavior has caused you. I know at times it may not feel like it,, but your ADD/ADHD friend DOES care about you, DOES want you in their life, DOES need you.............we are a breed that needs a lot of work...............but we each have to be willing to admit that our actions cause hurt, emotional distress and anger. :(
friendships
Submitted by lily1 on
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and being so honest. After reading the replies to my question and other posts on this forum, I'm beginning to understand how ADD/ADHD can affect ALL relationships. One thing I still am wondering about is my friend seems to treat her other friends better than me. Maybe it seems that way because I'm on the outside of their relationship looking in, or could it be she's better able to focus on people she cares more for?
Friendships
Submitted by madeyoulaff65 on
If it means anything to you at all..............confront the issue...........I have been confronted of late and that is really what woke me up to do more research...............it meant a lot to me that my friend spoke up about how i was making her feel. I was devastated actually. I can't explain my actions, or the reasons that it happens. I know that I love each of my friends dearly. I am glad my close friend had the courage to tell me she felt like the friendship was one-sided a lot of the time. WAKE UP CALL FOR ME. I don't know if you have tried to talk to this friend or not..........it did wonders for my awareness. Good luck.........
PS. One of the things my friend told me was that it seemed that I was closer to other people when she watched my interactions with them. Funny thing is, she is my best friend and I feel closer to her than any of my other friends.. GO FIGURE.......... :(
congrats 4 listening to your friend
Submitted by sandune on
I am so glad you took your friends advice.......most take it as criticism and avoid you. You are such a wonderful person to realize this! I try to bring issues like this to my adhd wife and she deflects my concerns 100% of the time and blames me. This is the refreshing part of what I see here.
even the ps part is monumental...............when my wife and I go out........she is typically more attentive, charming and attentive socially and ignores me completely. Thank goodness for me I am connected enough in the community thru my work, church and volunteer work that I don't need her on my arm to enjoy myself while she is doing her hyperfocusing, otherwise, it would be a difficult situation to be in. In my case, my spouse is unaware of social cues and I do have to swoop in and move her around the room. Most of the time she resents me for doing this and calls me names and says I am not social however, she can wear her welcome out quickly.
Hmmmmm........wonderful person??
Submitted by madeyoulaff65 on
Hey Sandune;
Thanks for the encouragement on my response for my friends friendship concerns. Although it would be easy for me to take a "pat on the back", I feel like I was graced with this wonderful friend in my life and that she is not the one that kicked me to the curb a long time ago. As I had mentioned earlier, I didn't even realize what I was doig with my social group, and especially not my closest dearest friend. I suppose you are right, I could have had a hissy fit, but when your best friend comes to you in earnest and in such an emotional way, it is a bit of a slap in the face, or like getting a bucket of cold water tossed in your face. I feel fortunate to have an opportunity to really learn about my disruptive behavior and consider it a gift that my friend gave me. I hope things improve with your wife, although she has to be willing to listen.
that's really interesting
Submitted by Clarity on
It really didn't even occur to me to confront anyone. My concern is that I'll be the one who gets berated for bringing it up because its not them, it's me, I'm the problem and boy, have I got a lot of nerve to say anything against them... never a good time! I have though, brought up different scenarios to use as examples to a friend. She would complain about a situation and assume someone's motives to be meaner than need be. I would try to diffuse the issue and offer an alternative perspective that was likely closer to the truth. It would make her stop and think and kept me off the hook but, I did not want to confront her directly.
After all the experience I've had with my ADD husband I've learned that these kind of situations can be volatile. It is good to hear that someone might consider another's perspective and value their insight.
Wow, this could have been
Submitted by zyx on
Wow, this could have been written by me! No, you are not too sensitive. That is exactly what my former friend said to me! I found this site via the recent NY Times article that mentioned it. Having recently ended my decades long friendship with a friend who was diagnosed several years ago with ADD, I was curious to read this site to learn more about her incredibly irritating ways. She was divorced over 5 years ago and blames her ex 100% for everything. STILL. She blames her divorce for every problem in her life. She is great at deflecting blame away from herself. Reading some of the other forum topics, I am astounded at how much I recognize my former friend. The autofocus on a person - exactly! While I know this site is about marriage, the autofocus, the putting on a pedastal comments describe her friendships to a tee. It's very compelling at first - like a jr high BFF. You practically are wearing those heart necklaces broken in two! You do everything together, dress alike, talk alike - it's so appealing. It's like a relationship in a movie or tv show. That is how is was with my friend when we met towards the end of HS. I then moved out of state for college and remained out of state for the next 20 years, which, I think, explains why our friendship lasted. I only saw her a few times a year so I guess I was still like a shiny new toy to her. When we talked on the phone, it was all about her but I didn't mind so much because it was so entertaining. The men! The adventures! All her new BFF's that would come and go with such high drama! Oh, and it was always the others persons fault - she had been so wronged. This sort of behavior is fine when you are in your teens and twenties but it gets less and less appealing as time goes on. What is cute & quirky at 25 is sloppy & depressing at 45. She started blowing me off, ignoring me when I was around her, not returning emails or calls (only calling when convenient to her, usually some wildly inappropriate time like midnight on a school/work night) about 7 years ago.(Once I was happily married, had kids, a job, sober, a stable life) I let it slide & let it slide, trying to be a good friend. After a while though, I kept thinking of the saying "No one can walk all over you unless you lay down first". I got sick of being walked over. I kept trying to figure out what I did to make her treat me so poorly. I finally realized NOTHING - I DID NOTHING WRONG. When I tried to confront her about her behavior, she would turn defensive, blaming & attacking. She could never have an adult conversation about her behavior. Also, I felt by remaining her friend, I was accepting & condoning her terrible behavior that negatively affects her kids, her pets, her family. She self medicates with booze & pills, she can't hold a job, has no education, her home is disgusting, she dates inappropriate men(drug dealers, married men etc) she neglects her pets(no neutering/spaying, no vaccines, runs out of pet food etc) and is generally a bad mother. I am not usually a judgmental person. I have lots of close friends going back to preschool, I remain close to all my former roommates and most of my former boyfriends, am happily married, close to my parents and have a solid network of friends. Only this ADD friend treats me like dirt & then calls me selfish, demanding,a crybaby etc when I dare to bring up her hurtful behaviors. I thank God she was only a friend and not my spouse, child, or parent. As it is, I am able to escape the negative black hole that has become her life. I tried for years to be a true friend to her and she was not one to me. Oh, she SAID she loved me, I was like the sister she never had, I was her dearest & oldest friend etc. But words are cheap cheap cheap if there are no actions to back them up. I say distance yourself from your ADD friend unless she commits to getting help from a therapist, that she starts taking meds and that she makes amends/admits her flaws. My ex friend thinks her ADD is an excuse to continue acting like a jerk. She's like an alcoholic who still drinks booze. Just because you have a label that explains the behavior doesn't give you a free pass to not try and change or mitigate that behavior. She tried to make me out as the bad guy for abandoning her but she abandoned me a long time ago. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. It's sad, her life, and it's sad how she treated me like trash. I refuse to feel guilty for feeling my legit feelings anymore.