I know this subject has been posted on, some time back, but I'd like to post a little more about it. An article came across my computer about passive-aggressive men, and even though my husband has severe ADHD, he is ALSO extremely passive aggressive. I read for at least 2 hours on everything I could find on passive-aggressiveness, and he does almost everything someone does when they have PA behavior. There's been so many things, I've been trying to figure out.........is he narcissistic.........is he bi-polar.......anything to explain his "absence" in our relationship. (which is now in divorce proceedings)
But, now after reading about passive-aggressive behavior, I have to say he is mostly a passive-aggressive man (with ADHD) who stays in denial about himself, won't look at any of his behavior, blames me and anyone/everything else for all his troubles and there's nothing I can do to change him, or even get him to try, I've given up, because it's done SO MUCH DAMAGE to my own self worth. You can't love someone who "punishes" you by withdrawing from the relationship and then blames YOU because "they" hurt and don't feel loved. This behavior KILLS relationships, and causes severe damage to all involved, and also is covert abuse. I do hope he learns someday about HIMSELF, and DARES ask himself the hard questions that need to be asked, Passive aggressive behavior is learned in childhood, and when I thought about my husband's childhood, it was the perfect "set up" for his learned behavior. He never got past it, and kept it going, so that he wouldn't get "attached" to anyone, or let them KNOW he "needed" them. But, at the same time, he's never wanted me to go anywhere, even though he's denied me attention and love. It's really sick behavior.
I've had to look hard at myself and question all my actions, decisions, etc. and it's been very hard. I don't feel very good about myself currently, and I have more questions to ask myself. I'm also reading about the type of woman who chooses the passive aggressive man, and why. It is very revealing and truthful in my situation. I need to re-learn how to do many things. Also be more assertive in " just saying NO, when it comes to poor behaviors toward me".
Has anyone else here had a therapist talk to them about passive aggressive behavior and ADHD? or is there co-morbid things like that in your relationships? just wondering.
I think my husband exhibits a
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I think my husband exhibits a very high amount of passive-aggressive behavior. And one of the things that he has said is that he does not consider failing to act to be a "thing." For example, I've said to him that him not communicating with me is a hostile act and he has replied that it CAN'T be, because not doing something can't be a thing.
I have hope through learning healthier responses
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
For this gal who does indeed have a tad of sarcastic wit that easily rolls off her tongue, I have to keep reminding myself to be mindful of not allowing it to turn into passive aggressive behavior.
In January of 2008, I got a book by Scott Wetzler, PH.D., Living with a Passive Aggressive Man.
As I read, I gobbled up the words. Those first two chapters? Geez!! I almost 90 per cent highlighted, underlined, re-underlined in another color, re-highlighted, and also added tons of notes and stars and arrows written in the margins. I could so understand the big issues -
I THOUGHT that was what was going on in my life. The circumstances sure fit. I indeed did experience my spouse put up the veil of innocence and good intentions, dodging responsibility, insisting he was doing his part, and turning the tables so HE became the wronged party. Back-handed hostility,,,? Maybe.
Then I found this we-site. ADHD? And other books.
Today, I look not to labeling. I look to what I will and will not tolerate. I had unwittingly spent oodles of time trying to teach myself that intolerable things were tolerable if I just re-framed them. Or figured out what I did to get such responses.
What matters today? Intent. My spouse has a kind heart. Tis true. Yet his responses, tolerated, and accepted by me for so long- - - - - - well, now I call them as I see them. Not in a mean spirited manner. Not as a reprimanding parent. I will not join in a long debate or battle as to the truth of how I feel or what I see. I try to make sure I am not responding because I am tired, or hungry, or angry, or sad. If I feel those, I walk away. If not, I state my case. That is all. Do you want to know how I feel, or do you want to insist your side?
Partnership. Relationship[. Togetherness.
What I know for sure, my spouse is indeed aware of issues. He is indeed looking for alternatives. I feel happy - mostly, actually, for him. He has been in such a place of despair and gloom, I feel encouraged he is searching for a way out. And not for me. For him. I stand behind that 190 per cent.
Sincerely,
Liz
Dede.... PA, I Think Goes With the Territory
Submitted by kellyj on
Speaking from experience and from my past (including what I have researched and learned)....I think it mostly comes from childhood if you grew up when no one even knew what ADHD was or discussed it much. For some people yes....but the vast majority at least didn't talk about it even if you had it. I say this because one of my closest friends told me later he was being treated for it when he was young but no one ever mentioned it. Too much stigma and shame for families at a time when "crazy" was still being used as a catch all phrase.
Anyway yes....as a kid with ADHD and reacting or responding the only way you knew how to what you saw as unfair treatment and seemingly being punished for things you didn't do.....this will tend to put a chip on your shoulder and a need to act out and get rid of that anger.
Yet one more thing to have to pay attention to since it seems that a lot of kids growing up with ADHD become oppositional/defiant and passive aggressive due to the effect this has on you. It's just a symptom of something else like this I think. Guilty as charged but.....I am changing my ways:)
J