hi! my wife and I got married 5 years ago. I was 25 she was 24. We had a terrible honeymoon because she couldn't have sex as it was excruciatingly painful for her. We than didn't knew what vaginismus was. We tried to sort it out ourselves but failed and after almost 2 years we went to see a gynecologist who diagnosed it as vaginismus and adviced to use dilators. I got the dilators for her and it has been 3 years since that. she uses them occasionally but isn't consistent and the vaginismus problem still persists. I have been very supportive all these years and have tried my best to fully understand her as I have always loved her.
She has always been the lazy person who wakes up at 4pm in the afternoon and sleeps late, is not organized, and even forgets brushing her teeth most nights. She would watch Netflix the whole day even while having breakfast and dinner. She is a very creative and a talented person (a perfectionist) but I would often tell her 'you are wasting yourself' because she would not get involved in any task. Nothing seems to excite her. We are very good friends and talk about everything. Sometimes she would overresponse to things that i'd say which would make me anxious.
Our marital life has started to get effected lately. She isn't there for me to talk or to be intimate or be emotionally available. We recently found that she may have ADHD, got consulted to a psychiatrist and got it confirmed and the doctor started her on anti depression drugs for 1 month. All her symptoms are that of ADHD and she has been having them since childhood without realizing it.
I am really concerned about my marriage as I don't see it getting much better even after managing ADHD. We are having lots of arguments and fights recently and the intensity is increasing day by day. The main reason I feel she has been delaying her vaginismus treatment is also because of her ADHD symptoms of delaying it till the last minute/does'nt excite her much. I am both emotionally and physically frustrated at this point and don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes i feel i should lie to her that ill leave her to stimulate her to act.... i don't know.
Need help!
How much does ADHD treatment make a difference? Can things ever be normal living with ADHD person?
Things can change
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I know of other couples impacted by vaginismus, and it can be really difficult to traverse the issues it brings up. ADHD most likely adds to the issues insomuch as your wife may have issues with motivation, depression, perhaps anxiety (due to perfectionism as you describe) and other things, as well. You ask the question about whether or not things can get better once you know about the ADHD. The answer is a resounding yes, they can. The caveat on that, however, is that both partners need to be involved in making the relationship better.
My observation is that once the focus is on fixing the sex life rather than fixing the relationship not a lot of progress gets made. That's because the sex life issues are generally a reflection of what's going on in the relationship. You have the added issue of her health issues, but nonetheless from your description of your wife as lazy, and you description of her hours (which likely don't align with yours) it seems likely that there are much bigger issues between you two besides the sex life issues.
Managing ADHD symptoms is one huge opportunity for the two of you - she has to be the one in charge of this as it is her body. Addressing the patterns that are likely in your relationship (power struggles; judgmental thinking; trouble trusting each other; chronic anger and resentment are just a few that you might have going on) is for the two of you. Start by learning all you can about how ADHD impacts relationships. My first book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage is a good place to start. If you are interested in a deeper introduction, you could consider my couples seminar, given live by Zoom. The next session starts March 11 and then after that I'll give it live again starting in the Fall. There is always a self-study option.
You cannot make the changes needed on your own - something I am sure you are already aware of. But neither can she.
I applaud your reaching out to learn more and seek help. Bottom line - yes, there is definitely a path out...but in order to change the long-standing and increasingly negative interactions between you you will both need to be involved in creating a new direction.
Best wishes to you.
ADHD
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I believe that your wife's ADHD should be addressed first.
I've been dealing with pelvic floor dysfunction since 2015. (Vaginismus is not something I've experienced.) I would recommend that your wife see a pelvic floor physical therapist. A good therapist will evaluate her and formulate a plan of care.
There is a night and day difference between where I am now and where I was in 2015.
Adele
You didn’t mention if she got
Submitted by Sunshine76 on
You didn’t mention if she got on medication for ADHD? I would try that first, as many women report being over prescribed anti depressants for ADHD symptoms. Further, anti depressants decrease your libido as a side effect. I know the pain of disconnection. I would try to ask for her to look into ADHD medication before solving any of the other issues. The ADHD and marriage book is also a great way to sort through what you have been experiencing and see if you can try Tom one together with understanding and mutual empathy. It is a tall order and it takes time but hopefully the love and commitment you have for each other will help you get there. I have found praying helps too if you are a praying person.
I understand
Submitted by ebecoat01 on
I have been with my wife for 20years now. Each person with ADHD is different but do share some small things that are common. Perhaps you should try marriage counseling since your words are not getting through to her. You need another option to hear you both out and to assist in understanding each other. I believe after some sessions you will know what direction to head in.
Pelvic Floor PT for the win!
Submitted by Dagmar on
I am currently doing this and while I'm not the one with ADHD in my relationship, I did keep putting off my PT homework (I don't have vaginismus, but my muscles down there are too tight), but having a therapist to hold me accountable really made a difference. And the therapy is so weird and awkward that not wanting to feel like I'm doing it for no reason was a huge motivator to do my homework.
Pushing for PT will really help things. Someone else will be on her to do the work, not just you!
Conflict always starts when we push for our way.....
Submitted by c ur self on
You have some very good advice on this thread....But not one of us are in your shoes...As a man, I can be much more empathic with your circumstances...A few points....You are creating the conflict (it's starting in your mind) by pushing for normal marital relations, when you spouse isn't experiencing a normal result from the attempt....So she doesn't know how to fend off the verbal attacks about her current out look, that is based around her physical condition, except w/ her own elevated emotions and hard words....STOP pressing her...She may or may not care to have treatment for her condition. But all she needs from you is love and support...Being loving and supportive doesn't mean she will return it, it doesn't mean she will change her mind or habits that are negatively impacting common sharing. It doesn't even mean you two will be together much longer...But what it does do is show that you love her, and you care...
Sex is a big part of married life...It's documented :)...But there is a deeper love than sex...I feel for you! But, you shouldn't verbally address your wife while you are frustrated and angry about her seemingly unconcern about her condition, and how it's impacting your life as well as her own....Y'all both would be better off apart instead of learning to dislike one another....
I suggest you address your spouse in a calm moment about her interest in a therapist and treatment options....You can't make her care to do the work she needs to do...But, you can focus on you own need for patients and self control....Love and patients is a much better motivator than anger...Selfishness is where the term we've all heard all our lives comes from...."Two wrongs never make a right".....
Bless you, I pray it gets better for both of you....
c
reaching out
Submitted by Where Have All ... on
Hi friend,
I can feel some of your pain. I am the non-adhd wife and we have ED issues in our marriage as well as a vaginal journey. My first baby was yanked out with forceps giving me a 3rd degree tear, which is....very bad. It didn't heal properly and got infected. I couldn't walk for 4 months...and that with a newborn. It messed me up physically...big time. i was in constant pain for 2yrs. I got pregnant again thru creative means and had vaginal reconstruction surgery, which helped a lot...but like i said. Its been a journey. If your wife is depressed and escaping because of feeling like a failure (esp her dreams of a fabulous sex life being gone...that is deeply painful for women...and she feels to blame perhaps) she is going to have very little motivation to experiment. its also probably pretty uncomfortable to dialate. so..I understand her reluctance. but there are many other things a woman can do besides vaginal insertion to enjoy her man, and visa versa. She needs to venture into these places and learn to enjoy again. and you, my friend, should journey into non vaginal enjoyment for her as well. thats my advice. try and get her out and dote on her maybe. another thing is that anti depressants often make you loose your libido. so tho she might start to come out of her fog...she may not be interested. i would not threaten to leave. i believe its vital you express your devotion and commitment no matter what, bc that's what you promised at the alter. for better or worse. be a man and stand by her thru this dark time. she is on netflix because she can't handle the pain of reality. trust me....i go there often. don't threaten her. she actually needs the opposite. you threaten to leave, and it will confirm to her that she is a failure and an undesirable woman like she believes deep down. perfectionist creatives can get really stuck. take her out for wine and painting.... do fun stuff to help that creativity flow. I am perfectionist creative and we compare ourselves and need light hearted fun to get out of the funk of feeling like we can't flow because it isn't good enough. remember why you love her. and do what you can to bring that beauty out again.