I am the non ADHD Spouse and am ready to literally pull my hair out. I have written so many posts on here that I am sure you can see my rollercoaster life. My ADHD husband and I are finally at the stand still of it all. He is diagnosed, and going through treatment. He has yet to see a counselor but they have now moved up his dosage for meds twice. During our 3 years almost of marriage it has been hell. I am a Christian and really trying to do this God's way. We finally got into counseling and he admitted he hasnt forgiven me for the past, has a huge chip on his shoulder with me. He says he thinks I am mean to him all the time. Mean to him is any time I point out anything that he will take negative. This is due to 2 years of me asking for, pointing out errors, yelling, nagging etc when I had enough. I have worked hard to stop and change my behavior for the last year. The last few months being the best. My DH husband will say in the same breath that he doesnt think he loves me and then 2 hours later say he does love me he thinks he is just angry. I have lost the ability to stand credible to any of his bad behavior because mine has been louder and worse in the past. Now he has a get out of jail free card raising his voice to me and causing fights, then saying he isnt doing that. He in the last week and with counseling has told me he has mental issues, there is something wrong and he is sorry and wouldnt blame me for leaving. The next day I am the worst person in the world and he is the best person in the world and has never endured this from any women but me. He and I were both told we are in competitive mode in our marriage. We were told by counseling that we do not have intimacy although my husband feels like he does.
Here is my honest question on ADHD that I cannot find in any books or maybe I am not looking up the correct information. My husband has told me he has never felt so disrespected by how I view him and that he has endured 2 years of abuse from me. Now He has kicked down door, got in my face screaming and has called me several names, said horrible things and then tries and deny them. I have been accountable for my end with action steps on changing my behavior. When trying to lock him down even in counseling he cannot take accountability for his behavior. He literally will deny it happening. I have cornered him on it and said " You said to me that you would be happy to not hear my feelings for up to a year. Do you see that hurts me and do you see you denying it?". He said he doesnt think he said that but thats not what he means. Either way he said it! Please explain this type of behavior and what it is? Its the one thing that makes me want to leave my marriage. His complete lack of hearing himself and what he says to me and does. Yesterday he was so in love with me and we were fine until night time. He has the worst hygene and didnt brush his teeth again before bed. I had to ask for a good night kiss (literally I have to ask for him to even see me.... babe can I have a hug, a kiss? anything?) he leaned over to kiss me and I said "phew never mind, your breath is bad sorry i cant kiss you". That was all I said. I woke up this moring to him starting a fight by saying "You were mean to me last night, I am over you being so mean to me and I am one foot out the door of this marriage." When I tried talking to him he literally plugged his fingers to his ears and said leave, your starting a fight. Its like the gaslighting he does to me when I try and point out how he has hurt me is tiring. Is this normal with ADHD? He literally refuses any accountability over what he says and how it hurts me. Even if I say it hurts me he wont acknowledge it. I feel like he hates me deep down and is so angry that I am not seeing the light. His viewpoint of me is so negative and he has turned me into the enemy even though he is a Christian and knows i am not. He said I had done and said too much to forigve. Maybe I really have? He makes me sound like I am the only woman who has done this to him but he has been married 2 other times and they left due to his drug use and abuse. He supposedly is only violent with his temper while on drugs. He doesnt want to look at his anger. I feel so stuck. I am trying to do this Gods way but how do I do that when he is mood swinging every day and hurts me, starts fights, ignores me for the most part. The most frusturating part is they forget what they agree to! He can be so remorsful for his actions of hurting me one day and then the next day he is doing it again. Do I just live with that forever? How do I live with the Gaslighting he doesnt see he does, the words and abuse that he doesnt think is abuse? He literally thinks I am the one now abusing him when I point anything out at all. I cannot point anything negative out at all ever. His breath, if he offends me, anything. I am at a loss.
C-love
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
What is it exactly??? Narcissist or ADHD
Submitted by C-love (not verified) on
Thank you for all of your responses. I will say it has gotten me through the most horrific week of my marriage only to end what I hope is a pure miracle. Being the non adhd spouse in the dysfunctional ADHD pattern for the last two years, here is what I think is going on and a new perspective. First I have gone down a deep rabbit trail in trying to figure out what is wrong with my husband. I suffer from extreme toxic relationship abuse with my ex husband being a malignant narcissist and my sister, mother covert narcissist. I have so much trauma around it and being the scapegoat anything that looks like it, literally triggers and starts my own mental struggles with my PTSD/GAD/OCD. Not a fun mix with both my hubby and I. My husband finally admitted to thinking it was all my fault, i was the nag, he was right and couldnt see what he was doing until a few days ago. His meds were doubled, that helped a lot. That allowed him to see it. I also stuck to my boundaries on calling out his specific behavior as being something I cannot handle in this marriage. Gaslighting and blameshifting. I am not sure what flipped for him. He said God helped him forgive me and see my side of what I have delt with. He said he see's how he has been in his own head, own world, couldnt empathize, until now. Maybe its the last straw that you need to get to? I never really walked away from the fights and stuck to my boundaries. I never held him accountable to be a man, husband, who God called him to be until recently. I had to become fiercely dependent on God changing him, helping him to see, not me. Last night he explained why he Gaslights/Blameshifts. I see clearly now that I have in my trauma pigeon held him in being a narcassist rather than looking at the spectrum of ADHD. My counselor suggested he has a slight case of Autisim around his ADHD/ Aspergers. He is currently being assessed with it. This makes so much more sense as to why he seems to be not accountable for what came of his mouth because he gets stuck in "I said the wrong word for what I actually feel and it came out wrong". WE have come up with a way to this pattern. Its always been the way I say things. Literally I am the opposite of a gentle spirit. Lord, I pray for it. I am trying, but opposite of a quiet gentle spirit. Which is exactly what is needed for every encounter with my husband. I now say " I just heard you say these words out of your mouth." He then says yes I said that. I see how that hurt you I am sorry. Can i tell you what I mean to say, context.... This entire time I really think I have been misreading and not considering he cannot communicate his feelings accurate. I think under my own triggers and sensitivity I havent been able to see it. The only thing I can say as of now is he came back from his own time out with God a changed person for now. He is treating me different, putting systems into place and says its so much easier for him now. I think the biggest thing is he finally saw my struggle before I walked away. He begged God to show him his part and dropped his pride and defense mechanisims to be self suspicious. He admitted to me last night all the areas he feels insecure and weak as a man. Socially how he doesnt know what to say, how to be, it doesnt come natural for him. I see now that when we would fight he couldnt grasp a big picture of what I was upset about. It was only in the direct moment and it the facts had to line up in order for him to see truth. I have to present hard evidence to help him understand as he doesnt get it. He told me he will get brain scans, whatever it takes to be understood. He told me he wants to be vulnerable to be able to be intimate instead of hiding behind his ego. Basically I think I saw him for the first time a few days ago. I think we both had to become empathetic to eachother and raise our white flag of surrender. He had to forgive me. I had to forgive him. He knows that if he continues the gaslighting blame shifting behavior or anything that looks narcissistic I cannot stay in this marriage. It's to damaging to me. For now I will trust my God over myself or my husband. Some pretty cool transformations are happening. I feel heard for the first time and seen. I still have a back up plan and systems in place to protect myself. I have a support group and gained my independence. I see my own side and my dysfunction. I also see my judgement against my husband and my expectations that he will never be able to meet. I think the thing I feel the worst about is that I put God's ability to change someone in a box. My faith really is a mustard seed but its enough. Dont mean to preach on here, this my experience so far. I will take it. My husband came home and for the first time in 3 years of our marriage said I totally get it now. He has his own counseling set up, his own stuff and is owning it. I have hope and I also have boundaries.
Thank you for your helpful support and feedback. Appreciate each of you.
Projection
Submitted by sickandtired on
I’m so sorry you are going through this! Do you think maybe he’s projecting his feelings of victimhood on to you as the bad guy? My ex seemed comfortable in the victim role, and could never move on from a perceived slight. He used to keep me awake for hours purging out his many grievances with no desire to find solutions... it was like his drama fed his brain the dopamine he needed. Regardless of how much he needs the drama, he is verbally and emotionally abusing you. Has he ever physically shoved you or hit you or anyone you know of?
Sending you a hug!
He is abusive
Submitted by adhd32 on
Seems like there's nothing left to save. I'm pretty sure being a Christian doesn't require you to be mentally abused by an out of control spouse. You've worked on yourself he has not worked on himself, that should be a big clue. It's only been 3 years, move on and find someone who cherishes you and treats you like the wonderful person you are.
You can do better
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
"Do I just live with that forever?"
Honestly, this is a mess (no judgment - I've been there), and without honest effort from both sides, how are you supposed to approach a healthy relationship... ever? You are hoping he will see the light and change into a caring and reasonable partner, but he is showing you that he doesn't want to change. He has two failed marriages for a reason and you are seeing that reason. It may be time to shift your counseling from marriage-focused to YOU-focused. A therapist focused just on you (not on saving the relationship) may be able to help you see what you need to do to help you move forward and do what's best for YOU. I have my doubts that "God's way" would be to see you suffer abuse for the rest of your days. What if God's way is to see you rise up and take back your self worth and life? You are worthy of real love.
Melody is right!
Submitted by sickandtired on
His past behavior with two ex wives shows that he is unwilling to change. It’s not a sin to leave an abusive relationship. I think it’s a sin to let someone abuse you. Please get a therapist to focus on you, and why you are allowing this abuse in your life. Marriage counseling won’t help you.
A different perspective
Submitted by GD on
C-love
Just a quick background about me. I'm 68 and have been dealing with ADHD my entire life. It's reflected in my report cards and, later in life. by a strained marriage. I've been married to the same woman for over 44 years, which speaks volumes about her patience. For me, it was always easy to blame her for what I would later find out, were MY shortcomings. It wasn't until just a couple years ago that (and please don't look at this as a plug) I read Melissa's book and my first realization was, “Oh crap, it's me!!".
To have this ah-ha moment is one thing, to actually know when my ADHD was causing problems was another. I can't speak for your husband or anyone else but I can tell you all about my experiences, my realizations and my perspectives. I found what I was doing was protecting my ADHD, almost enabling it. So, when confronted by my wife, rather than admit, yes I was distracted or forgot to do something, instead I tried to turn it around to make it her fault when, in actuality, it was mine.
With ADHD one has to be aware every moment about what they are doing or saying, we can't use autopilot, and that is a VERY difficult thing to do. We have these well worn paths in our brains that need rerouting and, thanks to neuroplasticity, we all have that ability no matter the age. So, as I go through life, I need to go through it with reflective reasoning. I have to ask myself, 'Is this necessary? Do I need to do this now? Will this have a negative effect on anyone'. Again, not easy but, it's something I'm working on.
One of the things I do on a daily basis now is, when I have an ADHD moment like forgetting something, getting distracted or drifting away in the middle of a conversation. I'll stop and point it out to my wife that it just happened. What this does is reinforce, in my mind, that I'm starting to get the best of ADHD. If I can identify the moment, then I see it in action – it brings it to the forefront and I'm no longer protecting it. What I found is that this will start to disable the ADHD, it takes it's power away. If that makes sense.
I know you said that your husband “ignores you”. I get that! It's hard for someone without ADHD to understand that, what comes automatic for anyone else, does not for us. I used to have to remember to kiss my wife, ask her how her day was or hug her in the morning. That is not from a lack of love, that is from my brain being somewhere else at the time. It's a tough thing to grasp whether or not you have ADHD.
I know you feel desperate but just try a quiet sit down with your husband and explain how ADHD is controlling him very subversively and not consciously. The most important thing you could possibly do for him, or anyone with ADHD, is to have them mirror back what you say to them but, you HAVE to keep it short – no filibusters or you'll lose his attention. One or two sentences at a time.
Okay, so that went longer than I thought it would but, hopefully this helps just a little. I'd be more than happy to answer any questions that you have. It took me a long time but, I'm finally getting a grasp on what it is like to live with ADHD from both perspectives
You have the same problem many of us have or had....
Submitted by c ur self on
You do not like HIS life....He will not change because he can't, or even if he could, he likes his life....You pointing out his life style and its effects on you and the marriage relationship is being mean to him...(non accepting in his eyes) Because it's the only way his mind see's to live....The result is as you put it, hell from your view....It will stay hell if you can't stop pointing out his normal life style....There is miles of difference's to me and my wife, and many here....The loser when two marry is always the organized, responsible party....the ONLY way to help yourself at all, is to stop pointing out the things that aren't like you, and never will be...You want something you will never get from him.....So it's live and let live, or it's hell.....Make him be a man, by never making his life easy....Easy as in carrying him and HIS responsibilities....IF you can't start viewing him as the person he is, and walk away from engaging HIS life style negatively you should consider other options.....He may always hold a grudge against you for not enabling him....But that's not your problem...Being loud or ugly to him because of his living of life, is your problem...
Think about it....
c
Okay, so admittedly he
Submitted by GD on
Okay, so admittedly he probably does like his life but he can change. We're all capable of change. As someone with ADHD myself, we become very used to living life a certain way and think it's the right way, but is it? A person with ADHD does not have a full realization of the effect they have on others. It's been called narcissism and yes it may appear that way but when you don't understand everything that goes on around you, you may come off as self centered.
Believe it or not, the person with ADHD causes a LOT of collateral damage unbeknownst to them. It wasn't until it was brought to my full attention the damage that I was doing, the whole time thinking everything was fine. Was I proud of that? Absolutely not! I was tasked with not letting ADHD control my life and, believe me, after 68 years, that ain't easy! So now I'm slowly stepping up and taking responsibility for my actions. When I catch ADHD getting the better of me, I stop and think about what it is that I want to do and how to do it and it's making a difference.
We're all responsible for our own behaviors and taking control of ADHD and not letting it run, and ruin, our lives is paramount.
but is it?
Submitted by c ur self on
Congratulations on this self awareness light you have turned on yourself...It will make life so much better for you and your wife....But, just remember how long it has taken for you to come to this place...Many of our spouses never will openly leave the security of their (denial) self blindness.....I applaud you!
c
Thank you! It took some doing
Submitted by GD on
Thank you! It took some doing and introspection but, I'm a better person for it and it's giving my wife less gray hairs. :)
I am going through the same thing
Submitted by angrywife on
I feel like I am in the same relationship. I have suffered years of this to the point of having a nervous breakdown. Marriage was easier when everything got so twisted and i got conned into believing I was mentally ill and the one causing all the problems. I got put on antipsychotics for anxiety that didn't help and made me a zombie terrified to leave my home. I lost my job. It was all the crazy making gaslighting and blame shifting, defensiveness, refusal to accept accountability and responsibility, lack of ability to apologize, and inability to resolve conflict that caused my anxiety. I stopped the medication cause it didn't fix anything. His parents ugh. Getting them out of my life and going no contact greatly helped me gain some focus back because it cut all the nonsense in half. Husband and his family have zero boundaries. I am seen as crazy for trying to set boundaries. I am sure his dad is adhd or narcissistic, maybe both. All the times I was forced to appollogise to them for their own behavior just to keep the peace. Everything was my fault. I dont know what his mom is but her and I definitely do not get along. Honestly in hindsight I can see why she is so abrasive and cold living with that man (husbands dad). My husband and I went to marriage counseling and counselor suggested husband has adhd. I had no clue how much adhd can be like narcissism with the blame shifting and gaslighting. Marriage counselor wants to instantly drop us because I refused to instantly agree to his forced parroted apology or accept an I'm sorry you feel that way. Or that I didn't want to instantly trust. Hello I need time to think about this and he isnt going to remember. Counselor said i need one on one therapy before marriage counseling...ugh I am in therapy with another therapist... Can say my husband does not even remember what the counselor was forcing a parroted apology for. Husband only made it through not barely a quarter of the book about adhd he was supposed to read. I am the only one trying to change all the time. I am here desperately searching for ways to cope and help. How to treat him. I feel like a lot of the treatment suggestions force the non adhd to turn a blind eye or have to accept blame. No one really notices the adhd in him or knows about it, I just look like a psycho angry nag, he looks perfect and like he has it all together. He has a good job. The poor husband that had to deal with little miss psycho. Everyone believes him over me and he loves to tell people how messed up I am due to my childhood trauma. I apologize for the crazy rant, that may be disorganized, but I have been living in a very bad way for 19 extremely confused years. I have no support system or reliable family. I want to help him, but I dont know if I can, if he is unable to accept some responsibility and see what he is doing and learn some awareness.
me too
Submitted by MelWifeOfADHD on
yes, all the same here. I felt you as you wrote those words- like your core is crumbling- it is exhausting (especially during very long bad times).
Before being with an ADHD spouse, i was with a narcissist. So by comparison, at the time, the ADHD seemed a wonder! Plus the hyper-fixation at the start does make them seem pretty amazing. I think now, there's many similarities between the two disorders (everything you mentioned). The only difference i found, is intent. Their soul/ core. I believe my ADHD husband to have a good soul/ core. The intent of his 'issues' is inadvertant. I think the narcissist is purposeful and bordering on evil. Sadly, the effects/ impact of these personality traits can still be the same.... but i think reminding myself it isnt on purpose helps get me through. Its a horrible position to be in, there can be a lot of toxicity. I think all we can do is re-evaluate every so often. Unfortunately, unlike other marriages, we cannot assume 'marriage is for life'.
Ugh, this describes my
Submitted by frayedattheendo... on
Ugh, this describes my relationship as well. But really, it is abusive ADHD or not. I also eventually had a nervous breakdown, preceded by years of migraines and depression. His family also no boundaries and criticize me for the things he does not do. I am currently still unemployed but have begun to pull myself out of this hole I've dug for myself by taking on his chaos. It's extremely hard, but I think it is possible. I will eventually leave him, but the life I will end up leading will be financially precarious. I've finally decided that I'd rather have some sense of emotional freedom and little money rather than emotional terrorism in a castle. Sadly, if they don't want to change, we can't make them.