Hi,
Any advice, thoughts, or comments, whether agreeable or harsh will be GREATLY valued. I am a big boy I can take it!
Here is a snapshot of my life
38 yr old ADHD (take adderrall) Father and Husband (2 kids 2yr,/ 4yr old)
4 yr old was born with Kidney Disease and needs a transplant (devastating, sad, I literally cant look at pictures of him without sobbing, he is my best friend n the world)
Diagnosed with ADHD in early 30's but suffered with inconsistency my whole life / school / work / relationships etc.
High IQ, for whatever that is worth, hasn't helped much until lately
Until three years ago, struggled to hold down a career, made marginal income
3 Years ago found a highly technical career that I love. My ADHD helped me to quickly learn massive amounts of technical info I needed to succeed.
The job enabled my wife to stay home full time with the children.
The job is also overwhelming, intense, and their are difficult quotas that must be met, so I spend a lot of time working . 55 hrs a week average swells to 70+ hrs during a 3 month peak industry period.
Since starting the career, and before as well, I have consistently battled suicidal ideation, contemplated divorce, running away and sleeping on a beach somewhere, you name it.
Our marriage is falling apart, our kids, particularly my sick son needs us more than anything, but all we do is bicker and look at each other with resentment.
Obviously from the above statements, my ADHD brain, in conjunction with a couple of external issues are doing a number on our marriage.
OK. where am I going with this???
I fully understand that ADHD makes marriage, at the least, more difficult. I cant help but notice while reading this forum, many non-ADHD spouses are not willing to take responsibility for character flaws they bring to a marriage.
You can probably guess that I have my own thought on the things my wife does that are frustrating things for me.
How do you know when an issue with your marriage is purely the result of your ADHD solely? a combination of your wife's and your own character flaws? or can solely be attributed to your wife's character flaws?
I know for sure a lot of the wife's of ADHDers slandering their husbands on this site would benefit from cleaning their own doorstep as well.
"I cant help but notice while
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"I cant help but notice while reading this forum, many non-ADHD spouses are not willing to take responsibility for character flaws they bring to a marriage."
Funny, my husband also seems to think that I don't take responsibility for my flaws. I've been fighting my flaws my whole life. I continue to do so. I'm willing to fix anything that is within my power to fix. Great. That leaves a bunch of stuff that I have no control over.
Vent over. I'm sorry about your life, particularly about your child. That would be incredibly stressful for anyone. My response to your question is that it can be very difficult to know the precise cause of relationship problems. And even if one does know, it doesn't matter unless each person is willing to work on himself or herself.
It is always a challenge
Submitted by Sophia Melanson on
I would like to chime in with a few observations with regards to your question. Sadly, I recently ended my engagement to my ADHD partner. Before he and I began to date and into the first throws of our relationship, I always made efforts to be self aware and to perceive my actions and behaviour from the his point of view so that I could better understand his experience of our interactions. I am a sensitive soul and care very much about other people, and doubly so when I'm in a relationship - family is very important to me. Whenever my partner confided in me or asked me to take a closer look at something I was doing in the relationship, I took it to heart - no resistance, no retaliation, just self awareness and hopefully, improvement. What began to happen, however, was that he began to use this tendency of mine to consider his point of view to his advantage whenever he wanted to deflect blame even when it was blatantly obvious that it was his behaviour that was causing conflict (likely a coping mechanism that he has developed over time). I began to question every little thing that I was doing, and I began to become depressed because whenever there was a conflict, it was clear that he expected me to accept responsibility for the problems we were having. After a while, I began to resist accepting the blame and also became resentful that I was the only one willing to own the things that I did that may have caused challenges in the relationship. The sudden and impulsive outburst of emotions begins to burn a person out after a while, as well, so one no longer has the capacity to properly analyze what is going on. What I'm saying is that your wife has likely developed some coping mechanisms in response to some of your behaviour (and remember, very often, people with ADHD cannot see the cause and effect of their behaviour on others, and so they may minimize or dismiss the feelings of their partner, which only places further strain on the relationship because your wife feels that you don't care about how you treat her feelings. If you don't see what you're doing to cause the problem, that makes it very difficult to empathize with your wife). Your ADHD has played a role in how you are both experiencing your relationship because of the feedback loop that you have both created together, but it began with your ADHD. I'm not trying to blame you, but I know this for certain: if you do not accept that your ADHD causes a problem, you will never be able to address it properly and you will perpetuate the patterns that cause strife in your relationship. You are not your ADHD, but you have to confront what it brings to your relationship and you have to take your wife's word for it (even if you find it hard to fathom) when she tells you that your attitude, your behaviour and your treatment of her brings her pain. I left because my wellbeing was suffering, and I left even though I love the man I was with with all my heart. I just cannot shoulder the blame anymore. I hope that this helps.
I've been thinking a lot
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I've been thinking a lot today about your posts. Not to minimize the effects on you and your wife of your ADHD and other "baggage" and her baggage, but I wonder if what is really making your marriage go off the rails is your son's illness. It would devastate me to have a child with a serious illness; my children are the best thing that ever happened to me. And I can tell that you are devastated, and I'm sure your wife is, too. So maybe with this huge essentially uncontrollable thing (your son's illness) in your midst, you and your wife are kind of distracting yourselves by attacking each other. Or something like that. Do you ever talk about how scary it is to have a sick child? Does each of you get enough time with him and your other child? Does your wife get enough time to herself? Just some thoughts.
I'd offer a kidney but I"m afraid to give one of mine up.
thanks
Submitted by bobbybigdrum on
Hi bobbybigdrum....
Submitted by c ur self on
I love your post, it's real...Also I will pray for your Son...I know your heart is breaking....I will try to give you some food for thought concerning your questions...First your questions about how do you know when it's ADHD or when it's something else...Or when it's your wife's issues....Let me add here it's not about those questions...And you are definitely right about ADHD OR NOT we all have issues (we are all messed up)...So how are we going to address it...ADHD isn't the problem usually, its the excuses, denial and refusal to be self-aware...By both parties...Most non's early on in the marriage start off reacting to add behaviors with negative emotions...They view it as intentional...And lets face it...If a person is being dumped on it doesn't matter if it's intentional or not...It's still painful and has the same effect on their life...So anger comes into play...When you feel like your drowning, you will lash out at the one who you think is holding your head under...
I suggest you set down with your wife and come clean, don't defend yourself, no matter how much of it's her doings...Be the leader...Just puke it up...I bet she will follow...Do it for the precious babies...Its OK to apologize and ask for forgiveness...I do it several times some days;) It builds character...There is nothing wrong with having a responsible third party to bounce things off of...Get a good counselor...It helped us...It may take a while...I got up on more than one occasion and started to walk out angry...but, I loved my wife...So, I'm glad I didn't now....
Blessings Bobby....
A lot in your life, bobbybigdrum
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I too am so sorry there is so much stress in your life. Having a sick child is especially hard. My second daughter was born with a severe intestinal birth defect that took many surgeries to correct. She had peritonitis twice, and almost died on several occasions. She had 5 surgeries, and two colostomies before she was even 1 and a half. This was with my first husband who was severely abusive to me and our older daughter (3yrs old at the time). I had to take care of both children and deal with his physical, emotional and sexual abuse at the same time. Having a very sick child made things so much harder, and my heart broke for her, like yours does for your son, This forum will be a place where you can vent your frustrations, (we do, lol) and also get much needed support.
I hope your wife begins to understand your struggles with ADHD, and I pray that God intervenes in your lives.
Thank you
Submitted by bobbybigdrum on
You sound like a wonderful
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
You sound like a wonderful parent. Please don't lose that ability to feel your son's pain as your own. It makes life as a parent more challenging but also so much more precious and meaningful.
What's ADHD and What's Not?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I'm so delighted you are finding support here for your very difficult situation. A couple of thoughts that come to mind - first, the issues that the two of you face are driven by multiple factors - ADHD and responses to ADHD (see my book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage for information about symptom.response.response and how it is NEVER one spouse who is responsible for marital struggles). Second, you have had very significant stressors in your life - difficulty holding jobs for a while, and now one that is very high pressure and takes a ton of time; a very sick child; an inablity to support each other in your emotional needs around this child.
I would talk with your doctor, if you have not done so yet, about your depression...make sure that you are getting the support you need there, as well about your very emotional responses to your son's issues. Emotionality (responding very quickly, and with intense emotion) is a core characteristic of ADHD and can sometimes be managed through medicinal ways (for example, some find that taking Wellbutrin can help.) Your inability to be a partner to your wife by hearing her and sharing her grief when she needs you for emotional support must leave her feeling very lonely in your relationship...and most certainly must contribute to her hard feelings in your relationship. So, if there is anything you can do in that department to be able to tamp down the emotional responses you have (or at least be able to bear hearing hers) I suspect it would be helpful.
I was interested in your question about "character flaws" in your post. ADHD isn't a character flaw...nor are responses to ADHD. Again, my first book may help you see that if you haven't yet read it. What you have are symptoms - to call them character flaws would be a moral diagnosis of sorts, not a medical one...what your wife is doing is responding in ways that are characteristic of the ways normal people respond to the presence of undiagnosed ADHD and other stressors (at least that is my guess) - again, not a character flaw...both of you deserve the calmer place you may be able find if you genuinely understand these dynamics. I am not saying we don't have flaws - we all do, but my experience is that those dealing with "the ADHD Effect" have fewer flaws (both partners) than they might originally think...and that they are simply responding in very human ways to very difficult situations. I'm guessing that both you and your wife fit into that category.
It's What We Do Bobby
Submitted by kellyj on
I almost set off to say something before I read what Melissa wrote first. I appreciate that clarification. We do seem to have a certain specific effect on other people to put it mildly.....I could also put it another way... "the worst" in other people with no intention on our own. lol And that's what we see. This I've come to learn in a real round about way. Simply put....we're trying on other peoples patience and nerves because that is what's happening inside us most of the time when we hit our overload point...and they, right along with us! Unfortunately, this does appear to be the case.
Everything you said sound very familiar minus thoughts of suicide. I can't give you any insight on that? But what I do know about myself is this......at some point in my ability to deal or cope with stress and outside demands from other people ( and function normally ) I hit a wall or inability to do this the same as before. Before being relatively normal the same as everyone else. ( that may be a stretch if you asked other people.....normal that is lol ) But in a nut shell....that seems to be the common case for those of us who have ADHD in one form or the other.
I've made my own conclusion to the character flaw issue....if you start looking up disorders or so called co-morbid symptoms.... it gets real easy to start seeing all manner of maladies in yourself and other people when you do this but....like Melissa was saying ADHD comes with it's own set of symptoms and some pretty predictable behaviors that share a lot in common with a host of other disorders that you can read about. Sometimes there are other diagnosable issues that a person could have at the same time, but just because a person might show signs or behaviors in part...that are the same as you see in another disorder or even character disorder as defined in psychology (dmsV or something like it ) doesn't mean this is a diagnosis in itself because it's not. We just have some of the same ones (or behaviors) but for a different reason, mechanism or source as to the cause. For us it's specifically ADHD and all that goes with it. I think that's a fair enough statement?
And unfortunately, our experience to start with in dealing with other people would lead us to think that everyone else has got some major issues or flaws but...it does appear we have this specific talent in bringing out some of the same issues (and behaviors) we have ourselves in other people. Like I said....we can be trying on other people nerves so that's what we see.....frustration, anger, irritation, exasperation and annoyance to name a few as it is mirrored back to us. It's a pretty difficult show to watch when you can't change the channel and it's all of the time. But the same goes for everyone else who is with us until we all realize that this is what is happening.
J