My first time ever reaching out for help. To make a long story short I've been married four years to my husband who has ADHD. He is taking a generic form of Adderall. So it wasn't until after we were married that he started getting so out if control angry. This anger turned into abuse, physical and emotional. I don't want to go into detail about me because this isn't about me, suffice it to say I've had my share of bruises and cuts. I've tried learning more what sets him off but now it seems most anything will. Yesterday we were driving and a dog ran right out in front of us. My husband was looking at me talking and I saw it first so naturally I yelled "dog! Stop!" And he had to slam on the brakes. He then proceeded to yell at me saying that it would have been better to just hit the dog, ect. It seemed so unwarranted and I was hurt. This scenario seems to play out over and over again. He gets caught off guard and immediately goes on the defensive. Or other situations like when were with friends and I start telling a story, he'll interrupt and continue the same story, it's like I'm not even there. I'm shattered physically and emotionally but part of me will always love him. Can anyone relate? What am I doing wrong? How do I get him to calm down?
ADHD cause of abusive behavior?
Submitted by Jenni430 on 04/20/2014.
I think you can love someone
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
My husband is so petty and defensive it's ridiculous. It's gotten so much worse the past year or two. We're coming up on our 7th anniversary in July. I didn't even know he had ADHD until a couple of months ago (silly me, eh? His sister has it and his dad, too. I just didn't realize what ADHD looked like since it's mainly advertised as something kids have.) But he's so touchy he feels attacked and blamed constantly and he says I have to speak to him a certain way (!!!). It's walking on eggshells.
I think you can love someone but be incompatible with them. And no one deserves to be abused, especially getting beaten up. I seriously advise looking into getting out at least for a while and getting some therapy. When things escalate to physical abuse, you have to take steps to save yourself. I have a very angry and defensive husband as well, and I care about him but there's very little love left after all we've been through (and he did put his hands on me once and I called the police who put the fear of God into him. Still he has times when I think he will do it again, so we are discussing meds as a last option and if that does not work, we acknowledge separation and/or divorce is going to happen.) You have to honor your own self as you're valuable. There's only so much you can help another person.
I agree. If you are in
Submitted by MFrances on
I agree. If you are in physical danger you have to protect yourself. This is not what love looks like. I know you love him and it will be hard to do but at least get out of the situation and maybe he will seek some help for himself. People can change, so maybe a separation will shock him into realizing he has problems and he will get some help. Whether he changes or not, you need to be safe.
Abuse and Irritability
Submitted by Berlie66 on
My husband as well is very irritable, has been somewhat abusive in the past, long before we knew about his ADD. He was worse than normal once he went on Concerta just after he was diagnosed (in last 6 months), he is now on Adderall and better for the most part, but he came home from work the other night and was irritated, just the way he was talking stupid I started feeling threatened so I called the RCMP this time, I had enough of worrying if this was going to be a really "bad" night! They came and gave him a good warning, of course he was pissed when he went to bed and spent the next day blaming me for everything, oh well I am so used to the blame game it did not affect me at all! I am just glad the warning shot went out to him. Now it is either put some effort into your illness or you will be out of your families life, I am not going to put in all the effort and have to feel scared from time to time! Paid for the seminar in February and still have not started it, he always has an excuse for not doing it as well!!!
Some People Can't Change
Submitted by kellyj on
This is an ADHD site so I won't go into too much detail but.......there are a specific group of people in both genders that will not probably ever change.......about 80 to 90% failure to treatment or therapy. DMSV antagonist group, cluster B personality disorders. These are the folks that do a lot of the damage to others and leave a wake of destructive behaviors behind them. People don't have to be diagnosed with a full blown disorder to behave like this either but......they are the ones that if you are with them will most likely never change. I say this from experience. Leave if you are with one as soon as possible....do not pass go or collect $200....get out!
We had a very similar
Submitted by Innerlight on
We had a very similar situation... My ADD husband was driving and nearly hit a woman on a bike, who was right in front of the car... I shouted and he stopped, just lightly touching her.. The first thing he said when he got out of the car..... Its my fault!!!! Because I apparently distracted him by shouting.... I was so hurt....
BUT... the only way yo deal with ADD is yo not take anything personally... Try to be kind and compassionate, but keep your distance.. Respect yourself... Move closer to encourage kind behaviour and further away if they are abusive...
There is no point to reason with the m unfortunately. Accept that you will never have understanding in your relationship and that you will always have to be the one with more common sense and the peacemaker.
Normally, I read and I don't
Submitted by bluepetal on
Normally, I read and I don't post but I'm going to come on rock hard about this:
"I don't want to go into detail about me because this isn't about me"
He abuses you, physically and emotionally. It is absolutely about you. Your safety, short and long term is the number one priority. You say: "I've had my share of bruises and cuts." There should be NO bruises and cuts! If he justifies losing his temper and taking it out on you, there is NO reason for you to stay. You did the right thing - you called the authorities. He was not repentant, he was not ashamed. He actually punished you with further moods for taking steps to stop him acting any way he wanted!
His physically abusing you is against the law. Full stop. When he lifts his hand to you he is committing a criminal act and there is no love in that action at all, for you or him.
Having ADHD is not an excuse or a reason to hit anybody. There is NO excuse for abuse in ANY relationship. His ADHD doesn't mean you are now his vent for his frustrations and emotional problems (they are his, not yours). If he isn't seeing the boundaries, or choosing not to see them, and not wanting to stick to them, then you have to be strong enough to put them there and respect them for your own safety. You draw that line! Well done for calling the police. It's very simple: he should never ever hit you again and that's it. If you have to leave him to get that abuse (it is abuse) away from you, then do it.
My view is that his emotions are for him to handle, not you. You shouldn't change your behaviour to suit his moods or be the one he blames for his loss of control - it is HIS loss of control and he should be left with it. It is not up to you to "calm him down"so he doesn't abuse you. You should be safe and you should be loved. I would say because his anger degenerates into violence, & specifically can be violence against you, there is no point negotiating especially during emotional heights. In fact, if he won't talk about it when he's calm or accept his part in it, I have difficulty seeing how you can move forward as a couple towards ending the abuse here.
In the meantime, when he acts out, walk away. You're already having to call the authorities so your gut feeling is that he can't be trusted with your physical wellbeing. Pick up your things, wherever you are, and walk away. Keep a bag permanently packed by the front door if necessary. Or in your car. Or whatever. Tell a friend about it, say you need a bolt-hole just in case while you work this out for yourself. No true friend will refuse you. Set up safe spaces for yourself. When you call the police to get them to come over, ask them to take you to your friend's. Don't stay. As well as it making sure you are 100% safe, it also send a clear message that when he behaves in a way that is not acceptable, he WILL be rejected, by you, by society, and left alone to fester. Your safety is the number one priority.
I personally wouldn't feel any loyalty to someone who thought abuse was ok. And ADHD is not an excuse to do it. His anger is NOT your responsibility, to placate or to take the brunt of. He learns to calm himself down, he doesn't hit you, that's his job here, not yours. Your part now is deciding how much you value yourself & planning for your needs, regardless of anything he thinks or says. There should be no "cuts and bruises" in any relationship.