I know it isn't, but I've seen spouses of folks with ADHD ask that, and I can relate. I started a topic a while back about what to do when you can't rely on your spouse, and I'm surprised that it still gets comments. I would call this "What do you do when you can no longer rely on yourself?"
I feel pretty confident that I'm not getting senile, and I know I've never been Super Woman, able to stay on top of everything with ease and style (I'm envious of women who can do that). I know that insomnia, with which I've been struggling lately, can mess with your ability to cope. But even before the insomnia, I feel like I've started to drop more balls in the juggling act of life lately, and I am terribly frustrated with myself. I can't figure out why I'm having a more difficult time with things than I used to. Things fall through the cracks. I can't remember if it was a day my daughter had a dentist appointment first thing in the morning (my mom took her) or if it was a day she was home sick, but she was either late to school or not at school at all that day, and I forgot to notify the school. I never forget that! Anyhow, they called me to ask where she was, and I was terribly embarrassed. This past weekend, my daughter needed me to take her shopping for shoes for an event. On Saturday I told her to be ready to go shoe-shopping with me by a certain time so that we could fit it in before a commitment I had that evening. I ended up not taking her that day, because I planned my day poorly, trying to shove too much into too little time, and by the time I got home from running some errands, there wasn't enough time to take her shoe shopping and make it back home for my other commitment. Last night she asked me for money for a school event today. I was in the middle of doing something, and when I finished that up, I had forgotten about the money. This morning, as we were both getting ready for our days, I said, "Oh, I need to give you some money," but by the time I was finished getting dressed, I had forgotten again. I remembered during a work meeting this morning and ended up running the money over to the school, leaving it for her at the front desk. Now, she could have reminded me again, but I hate it when I have to nag my husband over and over for something... why should my daughter have to nag me?
Like I said, the juggling act has always been a challenge for me. I've always been afraid I would start dropping balls. Now I feel like things are falling apart the way I've feared, and I wonder when I will mess up on something more significant -- like picking my daughter up from school. I don't know why this has started happening to me now, but I hate it. I'm very unhappy with myself. I guess the good news is that it shows me how our ADHD spouses feel when they let us down (though a lot of the time I think my husband forgets things so entirely that, if I don't say something, he has no idea he let me down). I do think that if my husband had my back, if he were a reliable partner, I wouldn't have to worry so much about keeping all the balls in the air -- I'd have a fellow juggler who'd be sharing the work.
I don't know that I have much of a question here. I just needed to vent my frustration with my own self. I would be interested in knowing if others go through this, and if anyone has any survival tips. I know creating reminders is a good thing, but -- again maybe this helps me see what it's like to have ADHD -- I feel like I would need to remind myself to do EVERYTHING these days, because I don't know which ball I might drop next.
I think every person has
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I think every person has limits to what they can do, and one when parent has ADHD and this impairs his or her ability to do things for the family or household, the other parent inevitably must pick up the slack, thus making it more likely that he or she will hit the limit on what he or she can do and remember. Also, stress and depression can affect memory.
that's the long answer. The short answer is yes, this happens to me, too.
Yes, this is happening with
Submitted by copingSAH on
Yes, this is happening with me too... I seem to be literally living hour to hour these days. This week is very hectic and I'm only able to focus by prioritizing the most important 3 appointments. The rest of this week that I need to do like chores, sleeping, waking, taking my meds... I'm just flying by the seat of my pants. Can't remember if I just finished my breakfast or not, or taken my meds 20 minutes ago. I also get calls from the school cafeteria about late payments.
I've been wondering if all the time I spend looking for things for everyone, memorizing where everything is, sort of frying my brain out thinking about the rest of our life with ADD/ADHD, whether I'm isolating myself so much I've developed ADD-like behaviors. Or whether I actually have ADD now, like maybe I was focused for so long, my hyperfocus has run its course.
Also depressed to the point of feeling like a martyr. I speak to other women who have AD/HD in the family but they don't seem to be as depressed or isolated as I've become. They are doing things outside of the house or by themselves and I can't seem to make it happen??
p.s. more agoraphobic than usual, like a hermit. Is this happening with anyone else.
copingSAH..isolation and hour by hour
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Yes, copingSAH, this is happening to me also. Due to all the undertreated and unmanaged ADHD from my husband, I have become SUCH an isolationist....it's terrible. I don't call anyone anymore, I don't GO anywhere anymore. I just don't have the strength to do much of ANYTHING ANYMORE. I can't cope anymore. My body is worn out, my emotions are fried and I just don't know where to turn. I can't do a fraction of what I USED to do, and it's frustrating as heck. With having to create my own happiness, getting little to no affection from my husband, I'm done with trying. I CAN'T juggle things anymore, and it feels like I've given up, even though I'm still hanging in there. BUT.....I can't anymore. My husband went off the deep end and blew a gasket with our whole family, causing a HUGE amount of hurt feelings and disaster. HE thinks he did good, and that he just had to let everyone know how he felt, but all it did was drive everyone further away from him.
I've come to a decision, and this is it. I'm going to make a deal with him, which is.....in order for us to stay together and have ANY hope of a marriage or family anymore,....he MUST WORK ON HIS ADHD....and get help. NOT..........just take a pill (concerta) with only having the diagnosis that he HAS ADHD. NO......HE MUST WORK THE ADHD, and put into practice the tips and guidelines for bettering HIS and OUR lives together. I am BEYOND TIRED with his condition with him NOT doing anything about it. He thinks he is RIGHT about everything, with the rest of us being "against" him. (which isn't the case) IF HE KNEW HOW MUCH his ADHD was causing problems in our family maybe things could be different. But, since he hasn't done ANYTHING about the ADHD, (except reading Driven to Distraction a long time ago) it's too much on me. I've done enough, sacrificed enough, been there enough, TRIED enough, and nothing changes. I've been patient, kind, loving, and then the opposite of all those, trying to see what will get through to him. But, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING I can do, makes any difference. HE MUST DO IT, HIMSELF.
I"m tired of being alone.....married....yet ALONE. But, at the same time..... DESIRE to be alone with NO ONE around, because putting out any more effort for ANYTHING ELSE is too much. I just CAN'T any more. This is it, for me. It's a decision that has to be made and I've made it, now it's up to him to decide what's important to him. Is it his anger? his need to be right? his pride? or untreated ADHD? or all of the above? I live hour to hour, like you said. Forget day to day. I forgot today I had a very important doctor's appointment. I NEVER forget that, but here I am. This is it. I can't handle the untreated ADHD any more.
Hi there
Submitted by Annelle on
Yes this is happening to me
Submitted by hawaiianbluemoon15 on
Yes this is happening to me too, but in a smaller way. I recently went to go visit my family in WY, and right towards the end of the trip it seemed to me I was becoming more forgetful. No clue as to why. It has stayed pretty steady since I've returned home for the most part, but the other day I forgot to give one of my dogs his meds. I NEVER forget. Fortunately, it isn't life or death if he got his meds, but its still something I really should stay on top of. My fear is that this will become more a regular thing and I'll forget to take my own meds. Another instance was when I was at work. I work part time at a doggy day care and I had just finished giving a dog a bath. I meant to take the soiled towels to the laundry, but instead I took them to the trash. Fortunately I caught myself before they hit the bin. As I was crawling into bed last night, I asked my boyfriend if I had seem to be more forgetful lately. "No, you've actually been on top of things more lately" was his response. Interesting, I thought. I also have been writing things down more. Grocery lists, the chores for that day, errands i need to run, etc. Definitely helps. Thank god for smart phones to!!! I'd lose my 'notes' if i wrote them down on a piece of paper lol
I do silly, thoughtless
Submitted by lauren07 on
I do silly, thoughtless things every time I'm on auto-pilot or just let my mind wander. I see nothing off about it. I figure everyone does it.
me too
Submitted by c ur self on
I do this....it sounds like you have entered your 50's :)...I was living under so much stress after I first married my wife...I would forget things, i would use the wrongs words in sentences...I didn't know which end was up at times...I started making lists...every morning, before I retired...when I was doing so much running....
Something to think about. . . . . .
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
20YrVet,
This is an interesting subject. One of the definitions of contagious is: causing or likely to cause the same reaction or emotion in several people; catching; infectious:
I have realized that myself, and our two children, have learned to "do what Dad does."
So again the issue comes to light - is the problem the ADHD behaviors - or is it the people around who bend and sway and try to live within the ADHD behaviors.
Same for me
Submitted by C44 on
I'm going through the same thing. I have been reading the book 'Is it you, me or adult adhd?' and the more I know, the more I think that not only has my husband got adhd (he has been properly diagnosed), but also that my ex partner had it, and also my deceased father.
Now that I think my father had it I am looking at my siblings and also myself. I feel like maybe I have a mild version. Or maybe I am just not feeling myself as I am so stressed dealing with all the adhd around me. hard to say.
there is a chart where you can test yourself as likely to have it or not, and mine was inconclusive. I don't think I've ever had any symptoms as a kid, so it's probably not.
Plus I have always been the one managing the money and the house and everything and have done a good job on the whole. Plus I have a good memory.
But I struggle to finish things I start, and I feel more and more distracted and lacking confidence.
Maybe I'm just going mad slowly.
Assessments
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
C44,
There are plenty of on-line assessments to point you in the direction of determining if ADHD is an issue for you. None can give you a diagnosis, but they surely can help sort out some things.
I, too, thought I must be ADHD. I am no where near. I do find it difficult to finish difficult tasks, but it does not disrupt my everyday living.
I had realized that living in a house that has no schedule anyone can stick to, no boundaries over use of space, and trying to keep my own life organized, PLUS that of my ADHD spouse, certainly had me losing my mind. I have had to start backing off and letting my spouse - well, maybe the best way to say it is: suffer the consequences of his own behaviors.
Get ready to laugh
Submitted by 20YrVet on
First, thanks to everyone who responded. I feel more normal, less alone now.
Here's the funny thing: Since I was sure I had checked "Notify me when new comments are posted," and since I wasn't getting any emails about new comments (as opposed to another thread I started about not being able to count on one's ADHD spouse, which is still active), I didn't bother to check this thread. I felt so alone. No one was responding! Obviously, I was the only one! I must be one hot mess!
The only reason I finally visited my original post yesterday was because I wanted to comment on an article on working moms and stress, and I was thinking about this post and wanted to refer to it. So I looked it up... and there were the comments. So, one more thing that somehow slipped... I may have forgotten to check off the "notify me" button on a post about me forgetting things (although it is checked now, so maybe the problem is technology this time, not me).
At any rate, it is a comfort to know that I am not, in fact, the only non-ADHD spouse to feel like I'm dropping balls in this impossible juggling act!
LOL!
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
20YrVet,
I had once somehow unchecked that box, and had to contact the forum administrator to help me fix it. Some things are so simple. Some things seems quite mysterious. To me :)
Somedays I know I am human by simply feeling like one honkin' hot mess!!!
Liz