Submitted by LucyC on 11/08/2018.
Hi everyone! I’m new to this forum and looking for advice. Is there such a thing as relationship counselling with an adult ADHD expert? I’ve been looking for ages and either the websites are out of date or there are huge long lists of therapists that seem to focus on general couples stuff and in our case that has been tried numerous times and failed. We need couples counselling from someone that appreciates / understands some of the ADHD symptoms, impacts and strategies for addressing them. We’re in south London UK. Thanks if you can steer me in the right direction x
Hi...LucyC
Submitted by c ur self on
Melissa Orlov...the owner of this site does phone counseling sessions, I think....You could contact her....She is very good....If she doesn't, she might could steer you in the right direction...
c
Thank you - I think face to
Submitted by LucyC on
Thank you - I think face to face would be preferable but open to exploring options so will investigate :-) x
Yes, but
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
I tried searching for one and found someone. Generally, there have been a lot of good things in the sessions, but it turns out she some anti-meds biases and doesn't really focus on ADHD as much I think is necessary. For example, she doesn't understand why I think it is important to get my wife a good diagnosis and thinks that ADHD medication would not be good for my wife at her age. Another problem has been that she seems to think some of the problems are related to my lack of self esteem/not standing up for myself. For example, my wife and kids constantly cut me off when I try to speak. If there is a conflict going on, I will try to say something that fits into what has just been said. My wife cuts me off. Then she gets mad because I am not saying anything. Our couples therapist thinks that I should just keep talking or say "I am speaking" and keep talking. What she doesn't realize is:
20+ years of being cut off and trying to deal with it has worn me down and made things feel futile.
I used to do what she says I should do--it lead to my wife turning the tables (No, YOU cut ME off!) and the fight escalating and becoming about who cut who off
The expert advice on dealing with kids with ADHD is to not try to solve the problem in the heat of the argument. This is what I also try to do with my wife. After things have calmed down, I have a discussion with her, preferably away from the kids, about her cutting me off.
When you are caught in a tornado, is it a good idea to try to speak up over the roar of the wind and the destruction so you can use reason with the tornado?
I can totally relate!! It
Submitted by LucyC on
I can totally relate!! It doesn’t sound like great advice - especially if the partner doesn’t thrive in a confrontation. :-(
Ways to find a good counselor
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Hi, Lucy - welcome! One way to find good counselors is to go to the ADHD-savvy professionals page here. The list is short, but the folks on it know about ADHD and relationships. A few will work with you by phone in a marriage coaching capacity. There are several good folks in London (see the bottom of the page for non U.S. recos) - Karen Dougherty comes to mind as a good choice.
I would also strongly recommend my live couples seminar as a great way to help your relationship. It's cost effective and very good - has helped many couples improve their relationships. The live version (given by phone) happens 3 times a year. For folks in the U.K. I usually recommend signing up for the live course because it is the more 'full' experience of the two, but listening to the recordings because of the time change. This allows you to ask me all of your questions as the course is going on. There is also a recorded version if you prefer that (though you don't get the benefit of hearing all of the questions folks have, nor asking your own, which is very, very helpful.)
I hope you find this community helpful. I don't always see posts in the forum, but if you have questions for me, please feel free to send them via the contact form.
Melissa Orlov
Same problem....
Submitted by RalphMarx on
Hello, Lucy
I live just down the road from you on the South coast below London. I have had the same type of problems in finding good ADD counseling for my wife and myself. I was able to get my wife assessed but it had to be done privately. It did cost a bit but the therapist was thorough...spent at least 3 hours reviewing everything in discussion with my wife. Likewise, the report we received was not a "cut and paste" report.....The NHS only recognized Adult ADD as a condition requiring treatment in 2007 and I still think there are too many medical professionals (GPs) that feel that it is a condition only found with little boys with ADHD. I have searched all over the BACP and, though there are counselors claiming to have ADHD experience; it is in reality minimal. I have looked for support groups to little avail.
It is really sad in reality as I see that most of my wife's family shows difficulties that very possibly stem from ADD from dropping out of university (though very sharp), chronically changing jobs or not working at all, low aspirations, and yet, if channeled properly they could do very well. Fortunately, our daughter, born through IVF does not have any of that DNA; but she still develops some of the habits seen despite how hard I work to counter them. My wife is in complete denial, refuses to consider taking any medicine, and is abusive (physically, verbally, emotionally) to her family. After 17 years of trying, I am now slowly making my way to the door. Don't know what it will be like out there but I just can't keep on going like this.....I have to keep reminding myself that it won't change...
So Lucy, in closing, have you been able to get anywhere with ADD/ADHD - relationship counseling support? There is a huge market out there for it in the UK but no one picks up the ball. Ciao...