I've read so many posts on this forum about behaviors that hasn't got one thing to do with ADHD...In my dealings and study of the effects of ADD/ADHD (a busy or fast mind) it makes it hard for children and adults with it, to think all the way through a specific thought. Many seem to experience an urgency or fact void that cause's a quick action. Or in some, the opposite, a withdrawal, or zoning out... In most cases it isn't chronic, but can have that appearance in some. But, it seems to come and go, making it as unexpected to them at times as it does to the bystanders.. Thus comes the signs and actions that are connected to this phenomenon. In some there is few to no outward signs, but others can deal with many effects...Poor listening skills, Distractibility, Restlessness, Time management difficulties, Many become adrenalin junkies, Many show impatients, and can be quick to anger. I think much of this anger is based on the inner frustration of living with ADD and also the feelings of being misunderstood, and/or being judged wrongly. Many non-adders feed this anger by assigning motive and judging intent, when daily having to face these unpleasant actions. Which, snow balls because of the inability of a fast mind to rationalize and put it into perspective. A person with ADHD is just as shocked at times by what they just did or said (blurted out) as the bystanders. Looking into their own hearts and minds for the answers and finding none can bring on hopelessness for them. Which can cause depression and denial. (They like the non's just want it to go away) At this point the more insecure and immature will try to live up to their feeling of worthlessness.
ADHD is not an excuse, nor is it the cause for an adult who decides to live an Adulterous or Fornicating lifestyle or any other open sinful acts...Many who deal w/ ADHD are believers who are filled with the spirit of The Most High God...And are faithful loving Mates....So many of us have used the Term ADHD as a broad brush to cover over a spouse who is lost, and living an openly sinful and degrading lifestyle...If I was being subjected to this behavior...I would leave today.
what mkes the difference?
Submitted by dedelight4 on
C ur self, I agree what you said. Im just wondering what you think the differences are between those who choose better lifestyles, and those who choose to live in denial and recklessly? even when the reckless ones have decent God fearing spouses and will do whatever it takes to make a great life with them?
dedelight, Pride?
Submitted by Standing on
I think it boils down to whether or not a person is willing to humble him/herself.
Someone who goes through motions and puts on appearances in order to escape accountability seems to be unwilling to simply admit that deep inner change is necessary.
Humility allows for input, feedback, honest confession, and true repentance,
Just my thoughts.
Standing...
Submitted by c ur self on
Well said...:)
Hi DeDe...
Submitted by c ur self on
I can only use myself and my marriage as an example...
The more my focus got on her behaviors, the more it dominated my thoughts. The more of a "larger than life effect it had on me". Which the fruit of was bitterness, motive assigning, and enablement, I became the good one, the sound thinker, the responsible one. I used her ADD lifestyle as my mask. I become more and more blind to how I spoke, and how I acted...It was all intentional and you could not tell me any different, nor was I capable of seeing it anyway...My hurt was deep!
So, to answer your question...Unconditional love and acceptance is the difference!
When we finally split up...and my heart was jumping around, and I was talking to myself and it was always conversations' addressing her self absorbed life style of coldness and uncaring... tough days! But, the best day's of my life in hind site! (c ur self's death being replaced w/ the Life of Jesus) After about six months alone I finally was able to have some self-reflection, crying out to God, to take my pain and bitterness I started changing, I could see more clearly, I was having peace again.
So, as Trust replaces insecurities and God's grace is at the forefront of our relationship healing is occurring...
I can't focus on what this marriage is missing, but be thankful for each day, and the wonder's of what God is making it...I don't try to enable or fix what I have no power to do in my intellect, and emotions...(my carnal state) but, if my words and actions are kind...If I can show empathy, and love and still not enable, still let the things she own's and should be accountable to and for stay with her, then I am doing what I feel lead to do...She doesn't need me to point out how to be responsible even when I see the train wrecks coming...I have to focus on c ur self (self-awareness) and not ever get caught up letting her lifestyle dominate my thoughts or life again. Expectations placed on others, destroys the peace of the one who has them. This is acceptance, and this how how we are growing. Even though we have such different convictions concerning the living of life.
The second part of your question dede...I will answer like this...We can only serve one master. I will either cling to the world, or I will cling to Jesus...Those who try to have it both way's become unstable in all their ways...So add, or not...For peace to come to a life, it only comes in the person of peace; Jesus.
I heard a dear friend say this once...There will always be someone setting on the Throne room of our hearts...It's either Jesus or it's Us.....
Character
Submitted by Standing on
You just described me exactly
Submitted by frustratedwife on
Your answer to DeDe really hit home with me. I have allowed my husband to make me angry, bitter and resentful. If I take my mind off of him and what he's doing I feel much better, but that never lasts very long. I know this part is my problem, I'm allowing his behavior to bother me and completely stress me out. But it's hard not to let it bother me when every time I turn around he "needs my help" or is creating more work for me. I have enabled him for a long time but how do I stop doing it and still stay in the marriage? I'm enabling his laziness and irresponsibility by providing a home for us and a decent life. I want a decent life so I will continue to work for it but he is enjoying the fruits of my labor without having to be responsible for anything. Isn't this me continuing to enable his behavior?
lauriejs
Submitted by c ur self on
You sound so much like me a year and a half back...And a lot of your husbands actions are just like my DW....I'm going to share some things that is saving my life.
1) This is so hard for me to put in words...First I have to be self-aware, because my natural tendencies of response to her life style is very negative. So, I have to focus solely on what my thoughts are, my words are, and my actions are. With her, or without her...I've got to be at peace, I've got to daily rise up and live a life of thankfulness.
2) When I look at her, I have to see only the person I vowed to love in good times, and bad times, in sickness and in health, until death we do part...That's it! So how do I do that? Live in reality...And the reality is. I must respect her life style as her chosen life style or in many ways the life style her mind forces on her. It's who she is at this time, and I refuse to destroy my peace and hers, trying to subvert or change it. Or even complain about it...But, what goes along with that is I try to never enable, I make an effort to walk away or ignore and walk away from any comment that is not loving and beneficial to our relationship. She can leave if she so desires, but, my desire is to be responsible, be accountable and be a good steward of God's blessings. She may ignore her messes, i don't, she may struggle to throw stuff away, I have no problem with it. She may show up at church when it's half over, I go on time. etc. etc...In many way's because I can't trust her to be responsible I have to live separately from her...We do not share bank accounts. That is just asking for trouble. I could go on but I know you know all this...
I want to say one more thing...Being relieved of my bitterness (my protection) wasn't something I could do...I have to give credit to the Lord...I had many wonderful loving people to speak into my life...
And the beauty of this life I'm living in Christ, and with my wife...Our marriage is getting so much better...The more stable my actions have become the more her's becomes...The more, peace she see me experiencing the more she seem endeared to me and our relationship...When I don't engage ADD behaviors or comments, she will come around and apologize much more freely...I do things for her from time to time because I love her, and since I retired, I have more time....But I can say a loving no also...If I sense she is wanting me to enable her in certain ways'...I will find something to do from time to time break up the cycle.
I sure hope the best for you, the very best thing you can do is just pray and seek the lord for his peace, and to deliver you from any bitterness that as spawned in your heart from the past...
I'm not saying your marriage or mine will last...But, God as shown me, if I will let him give me his peace there is a much better chance! :) Blessing lauriejs
Thank you c ur self! That
Submitted by frustratedwife on
Thank you c ur self! That was so very helpful and inspiring. I will re-read this post when I'm feeling discouraged. I'm so angry right now it's hard to let go of those feelings but I realize those feelings are only hurting me.
Thank you again and blessings to you too!
I was thinking the same thing
Submitted by frustratedwife on
My husband was diagnosed with ADHD but I often wonder if some of the things I've been blaming on ADHD are just poor behavior and lack of parenting when he was young. My husband definitely shows many signs of ADHD, he was an adrenalin junkie when he was younger, still would be if he hadn't had so many injuries. Now he just sits around because he says he's always in pain. He definitely has time management issues, is very impatient, is easily angered, is irresponsible and never finishes what he starts. I think all of these things could be attributed to ADHD. But he was also terribly spoiled as a child and I don't think there were ever any consequences to his bad behavior. His mother still asks how high when he tells her to jump. He ruled the roost when he was a kid and thought he should be able to do that in life as an adult. He expects everyone else to take care of him. His ADHD has turned into what I call ADLD (attention deficit LAZINESS disorder). He tells me he is depressed and that's why he hasn't been able to find work and he sits around and eats and has gained 50 pounds. Really??? I've been depressed for years but I don't have time to sit and feel sorry for myself because I'm too buys working to make sure we have a roof over our heads and food on the table. If I don't do it nobody else will! So what gives him the right to sit there and be depressed? Is it real depression or just an excuse to not be responsible.
So I don't know how much of this is ADHD and how much of it is just an excuse. Not sure if I will ever really know.