My father was OCD and the dominate parental figure in my upbringing. He was highly organized so I struggled to keep up. With his help maintained good grades and got through college and a Masters program in Computer Science. Though feeling always well supported and love, I always felt massive guilt because I could not stay on task as well as he.
I have been diagnosed with ADHD for over 10 years and regularly take Concerta and see a therapist.
I found a wife that shares many of the same characteristics as my father (probably a common story). We are both full time employees with successful jobs. My wife is s high level manager/director and I am an individual contributor. She has an amazing ability to keep large number of tasks in her head and can tackle even more with proper lists and calendar use.
I am struggling to keep up with family and kids activities. A full day for me is assisting in morning routine, getting to work and my own appointments, helping in the evening with some household and child care. I am asked to do a small number of evening things like pick up kids from sport practice. I want to do this, but find I am easily overloaded if I am asked to do 2,3,4 additional things in an evening when one-off additional events are happening. My mother-in-law lives with us and assists greatly in getting kids from school and taking them to activities.
This is about as much as I can do in a day. I cannot compete with planning any activities or vacations on the level of my wife so she is the primary organizer for family life. In general this works for me because I don't need to be in the driver seat and she generally enjoys the control. But not always.
However, when the schedule gets over overloaded for her, I feel maxed out, and she wants me to step up: I often react badly because I already feel pushed to the max. This includes moody behavior, stomping around the house when completing tasks not talking with her until things settle down. This angers her because she feels she is asking me to do so little. It angers me because I feel I am already drowning in tasks and being pushed for more. I understand her disappointment in me because she does 3-4 times for the house than I do with relative ease. This triggers massive guilt similar to what I felt as a child in not being able to live up to my father.
Things had been going well with us for a few months. The other day I was supposed to pick up my 10 year old from a soccer practice on a night when 2 additional one-off activities were added to the schedule. With multiple text messages back and forth and other discussions I was supposed to: Shop for a present for a card card game at a friends house, pick my son up, take him to a bingo night at school where I was to meet my wife and daughter, go home, put the kids to bed and play cards with friends.
All of the later activities swirling in my head, I went straight the school for bingo night skipping my son's pickup. I got the frantic call from my wife asking where the hell I was and immediately my heart sunk. I forgot my son at the field. Luckily the coach stayed with him and everyone was OK and I picked him up 20 minutes late.
I was horrified and still cannot believe myself. The guilt is overwhelming. This also understandably triggered a massive reaction from my wife because though I have forgotten things before (an item at the store, or other material things) this was the first time this happened where I forgot my child.
I have reconfigured my phone and calendar and made an oath to myself that when multiple activities are occurring I will always prioritize the children allowing myself to skip or make anything else lower priority. However, it has scarred her existing distrust in my ability to carry through with anything and I am nervous and tight as a drum to never let it happen again. I will forget something again. What will it be this time?
You two can work through this w/ Acceptance, and Planning....
Submitted by c ur self on
Well based on this post... You are aware, and you care (Major, Major, Things)...Hopefully you and your high performing W can learn to accept the reality of your differences....Some times families sign their children up for so many activities they loose track of what "Normal family time is and should be....(not saying you are doing this)....Hopefully your wife, will work on Acceptance (You too)....Your mind will never work like hers....And hers will never work like yours...And as the husband you will need to be patient w/ her and her emotions, and manage your own....When we place a bunch of expectations on each other, that are really not reality, our relationships can be like a roller coaster....Try to not set your self up for failure....We ALL need some down time!
Practically speaking I lived most of my busy child raising years with a hand written note in the front pocket of my jeans (before iphones).....With every thing I needed to do each day....And it was prioritized....
Wishing you all the best edoetsch....
C
I Know the Feeling ........ Edoetsch
Submitted by kellyj on
My mother was ADHD ( undiagnosed ) and she forgot me once under the exact same circumstances with you. She was so busy doing errands and shopping....that she forgot to pick me up from swim workout ( maybe twice ? ) and had to turn around after she got home and come pick me up? I know this feeling...and pretty much....I got over it rather quickly? Of all the terrible things that has ever happened to me as a kid....this was not one of them in terms of anything that caused me any emotional scarring? It did make me angry though....I hated waiting anyway and I was pretty mad I do remember? ( I think a combo effect on that one with both of us having ADHD? ) I know that you are more concerned about this issue of trust with your wife....but as far as trust goes with my own mother...this was not a contributing factor in why I didn't trust my mother? More than anything....what caused any trust issues with her...had to do with her ability to seemingly make sense? Common sense or problem solving...were not my mothers strong suits and this is what caused me to recoil and question her more than anything growing up?
Forgetting me only twice ever.....I chalked up to a mistake on her part and just being so busy and rushing around that that seemed to be a logical conclusion and one that I resolved rather quickly?
But I also know the feeling of pressure or anxiety about repeating this again...and that I also know the feelings of and what that can do to you if you don't keep that in check? At least for me....and much more likely to make more mistakes...the more preoccupied am in not making them in the first place or anticipating them ahead of time? What they say in golf......."look up to see a bad shot". Or the old..."ay...batta batta ...swing!" effect and psyching yourself out? I know for me....I can easily do this to myself when I feel the pressure is on and there is pressure anxiety a foot?
I guess what I'm saying as far as your son is concerned ...is something I do remember in that my mother did that pretty much made everything Okay? She was extremely remorseful and apologetic and made it a point to let me know how sorry she was in a very genuine way? And anger or hurt feelings I had over this...quickly melted as I recall and why this was certainly not a major life calamity...even if I was pretty miffed at the time?
And if I even apply this to your wife as a possibility.....owning up to your mistakes is the thing to do here with her I think? It is a common ADHD mistake or "blip" to have ADHD brain farts and I am no different in that department even when I do my best not to let that happen? What I do know without question however...the more pressure and the more guilt and the more you worry about it ahead of time...the more that it will happen and the more this will not serve anyone to do this to yourself? All you can do is give a real apology and not make any excuses and own up to it as a mistake? I actually call these moments with my wife "ADHD brain farts"...which is not trying to minimize her or the potential seriousness about this in the future...but as long as you keep these mistakes to a bare minimum and not do it again with your son at least....forgetting an item at the store will never kill anyone but I wouldn't say that to your wife or use any rationalization like that with her especially?
The thing is.....to a healthy level....defense mechanisms are there to protect you...but if they go to extreme...they will do just the opposite and actually do more harm than good. If you can use them wisely and be aware of what your doing...defusing yourself first and foremost...can be helpful in reducing that stress and anxiety? Being able to differentiate between you doing this for yourself to minimize things or lower the level of their severity so you can just operate and not get overwhelmed.... or to keep anxiety in check on that level is good. Doing with your wife and using those with her...is not so good but I don't think I need to tell you that?
The thing that I would have the most difficulty with however....is having your mother in law scheduling you and the kids at the same time? If I can't have control of my entire schedule start to finish and and am trying to follow orders from anyone else? This just simply does not work for me? I would have to step up and take over and be completely involved in my own scheduling...and not feel like someone was trying to enable me which by default...is exactly what happens. And when that happens with me....I become resentful and angry like it sound the same for you? I've found out the hard way....there's just no way to be able to manage my symptoms....when someone else is trying to manage me at the same time? The only way around this for me...is to manage myself from start to finish and make my own schedules and then try and fit that...to everyone else but not them making the schedule for me or getting involved with it on that end? I've tried that countless times....and it's never worked even once?
C ideas about reminders for yourself are good and I actually bought myself a smart watch...and this is really helpful as well? You can't lose it when it's strapped to your wrist..and it's pretty hard not to hear it when it's right there in front of you or forget to look at it when it vibrating and beeping instead of in your pocket? Plus.....it's a dedicated watch so you it reminds you to check things more often...than calling or texting (hopefully? ) Hopefully your not on your phone texting non stop.... which is another good use for a smart watch since it can be used for that but it's really not convenient I've found since it's so small to use for that unless absolutely necessary? Less of a temptation anyway if you use the smart watch as a reminder for schedules and for checking the time only and keeping that separate? I found it really does this well and works just fine for that?
J
Juggling
Submitted by PepperPots on
Edoestch,
I'm in the same position, but my husband has ADD and I'm the organized one. What I have done is to simplify as much as possible. This does cut into our social life, but is it worth losing my marriage over? We have four children and my husband is an officer in the army currently deployed. Army life helps him cope, but makes things much more difficult for me and the kids. My family does not have nearly as much going on as yours does. My husband and I agree that we want our children to socialize, but it does not interrupt the synergy of the family. Essentially, we have chosen to buck society and stay home most nights together as a family. It's shocking how much stress this reduces! I hope this helps.
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Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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I am struggling to keep up with family and kids activities. A full day for me is assisting in morning routine, getting to work and my own appointments, helping in the evening with some household and child care. I am asked to do a small number of evening things like pick up kids from sport practice. I want to do this, but find I am easily overloaded if I am asked to do 2,3,4 additional things in an evening when one-off additional events are happening. My mother-in-law lives with us and assists greatly in getting kids from school and taking them to activities.
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Two career family with lots of activities...not a good mix when one parent is ADHD.
Does mother in law work? Or is she like the home-maker of the home?
How many kids and how many activities does each child have?
So many families have their kids involved in too many after-school activities...sports, music, scouts, and on and on.
Since you have trouble coping with it all, demand that either some of these be limited or that you can only do X number of things per day in addition to your job. Your wife may not like it, but she married you and you know what you can mentally handle. Her ability to "do more" does not mean that you can or should.
Look at it this way. If you are physically stronger than your wife and you can carry 60 pounds of boxes every day, but your wife can't lift/carry that much, should she STILL be expected to carry 60 pounds of boxes half as often as you? No. She can't hardly ever or may never be able to carry that much..
The amount that your wife is able to do is not a reason for you to have to do more than you are physically/mentally able to handle.
That is a lot of activity. I
Submitted by vabeachgal on
That is a lot of activity. I never expected my husband to handle so many child care or after school activities while the kids were growing up. It was futile. He has forgotten the kids, school conferences, prom dates.... the whole 9 yards. I compensated by never asking him to pick up or drop off unless I knew I would have a lifeline with another parent. For awhile, I paid a high school kid for transportation after school. I resented having to pay for it when my husband was at home, but it worked. Like many of the people who have already posted, I am concerned that even with your mother in law lending a helping hand, there is so much going on. I limited the children's activities to what I could reasonably handle and decided that my cape would have a small S "super mom" rather than a capital bold type "s". That meant that by the middle school years, I expected the kids to concentrate on one sport and dabble a little in another recreationally. For example, my daughter played field hockey competitively but ran track for conditioning. I was delighted when the son and daughter chose sports with Fall/Spring schedules. I ran in the face of a lot of parental "opinions" who kept telling me that college coaches wanted to see multiple sports athletes. I decided to disregard their opinions and walk away from that kind of parental competition. Well, they both play college sports. Whew. Of course, it all went out the window when they reached the skill level where they were involved in club and travel activities and we were on the go ALL THE TIME. My question is this - just because your wife CAN do all of this, is it necessary? What drives the need to have the kids involved in so much? Is it an internal drive or is she feeding off the expectations of other parents, in which case I say to hell with it. It seems to me with the help of another family member it should be more manageable so, in my opinion, not knowing the whole situation, it points to too much activity. If my mother had ever provided a helping hand (whole different story there), it would have made a huge difference for me.
And please don't even get me started on parents who start worrying about college sports placement when their kids are in 5th or 6th grade. SMH
I too am not a fan of
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I too am not a fan of children being overscheduled but there is no indication from the original post that that is the situation the original poster is facing. All we've heard is that on one evening, one child needed to be picked up from soccer (one regular activity) and taken to bingo night (one special activity, probably happens once per year). With only this information, I don't think it's indicated that the child should have to drop an activity.
Fair enough
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Fair enough. I am reading that there are 3 adults available to manage the comings and goings. ADHD spouse is already doing quite a bit and feels maxed out when asked to do more. He described quite a bit of running around after work and harried communications during the day. He participates in day to day childcare and chores which is excellent. According to the poster, Mother in law helps a lot. Non-ADHD hits the wall, is overwhelmed and sometimes needs extra help. Not advocating dropping kid activities; that's the last sacrifice that I would personally make, but I am advocating carefully considering obligations or divide and conquer. I would have dropped one of my own obligations before "penalizing" my child but I was mindful of my limitations and resources when scheduling. If the extra things are the tipping point, consider whether or not it's necessary or find another strategy that does not overwhelm either parent. For example, did both parents and all of the children need to be at bingo night? I can't answer that based on the information provided. I didn't require my son to be at all fundraising events for his sister (and vice versa) and almost never required my husband to attend, for example. If it was an event for the entire school, we would all attend together. Is it necessary to add an adult social activity on top of an already busy weekday? I can't answer for someone else. I'm only suggesting making choices with awareness of limitations and perhaps, not trying to "do it all."
I was pretty organized with the kids and household but I remember showing up at the wrong location to pick up my child after a high school practice. Some of the practices occur at an outside facility, rather than the school. Ooops. I failed to consult the schedule and made an assumption. However, no one crucified me for the error and we all lived to see another day. But that's me. I tended to de-personalize these things and see them as issues of logistics, communication and scheduling rather than adhd v. non adhd. Forgetting one time.... well, this forum has many, many examples of ADHD spouses who cannot be trusted to EVER get a child to school on time or be picked up from day care on time, if at all or even to feed the children regular meals..... we all drop a ball from time to time and need to get through the "busy years" with humor and self forgiveness.
Good points. My thought is
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Good points. My thought is that if someone is overwhelmed, everyone's activities, not just the children's, need to be looked at.
Thank You all for the
Submitted by edoetsch on
Thank You all for the responses. I have made some made changes in my daily schedule which included the following:
So far my wife has reacted positively, but in the back of my mind, I feel like I will settle into a routine, get comfortable and still forget something down the road.
My therapist likes this too because I am exercising some executive function in actively checking my schedule and reporting my next move. However, he would like to see me do more actual planning of events. The 2nd point seems out of the question as I am already drowning in too many activities (in my mind of course).
Good for you! I'm impressed
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Good for you! I'm impressed by all the action you've taken to keep track of activities. I hope the feeling of drowning goes away.
Wow
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Wow. I would have given A LOT to have seen a fraction of that effort. That's awesome.