Looking for thoughtful advice on how I can manage, without anger, the fact that my ADHD (AA overlay) husband and his ex wife and 2 teenage kids refuse to follow any schedule when the kids will be at our house, and the entire situation is driven on a whim by all of them, all the time. I asked him for 24 hr. notice earlier this year so we can make them beds, have enough food in the house (I stopped going out of my way early on when no one appreciated it and half the time the plans changed) - huge fight. Concerned about his lack of work (self employed, works from home) and distractibility. He went on meds last fall, much better on not having conversations that spin in circles. He likes to argue, no question. Logical things seem to never occur to him. It started to feel overwhelming and hopeless to me, until I started reading about the effects of ADHD on marriage and see it all over my marriage of 2 years to him... I only want peace and happiness. I accused him today of seeking out chaos, liking things unpredictable. He calls me names, says I interrupt him all the time, says I don't let him "be heard." I just shut down. Anyone who is dealing with 2nd marriages, these issues and custody/ schedule issues, your ideas appreciated.
ADHD husband with 2 teenage kids
Submitted by evergreen on 08/17/2014.
I have a few suggestions
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I have a few suggestions (although these likely are things you've already thought about or done).
1) Are you sure that the ex-wife and the kids are as disorganized and hard to pin down as your husband is? If you're hearing about this just from him, he might be casting some of the blame on them to deflect from himself.
2) Could you try asking the ex-wife to communicate directly with you about the schedule for visits?
3) Tell your husband that having the house ready and food on hand is now his responsibility.
Thank you!
Submitted by evergreen on
Thank you!
1)- I think they need to all know their schedule (ex sets it every 3 months and they all ignore it, I stopped even asking to know because that made me crazy last year) --- and I may ask him to do that for me in writing, but what is happening is not only a sleepover, it is daily and no heads up (tonight he went over on whim and is gone all evening). I just don't do that to anyone, esp. my husband - concerned because I am starting to not make firm commitments with him or tell him my plans and on occasion I just do what I want which is not who I am.... frustration there def. on my part, and as my original post noted, he has come backs at me when I bring up 'when are your kids coming over again?'' 'how did you leave it with them last time you saw them?" (you are uptight, control freak - drama words which I now just ignore). You can see how our life is chaotically entwined (my feelings) with these kids and this summer I just went ahead and made plans for say a Sat night, with or without him... ugh. don't want that to continue but maybe thats the way our relationship looks.
2) - she never once has dropped kids here, he does all carting around and I met her once. Concerned if I did that he'd be off golfing while we deal with the no fun stuff of 'day to day' living .... not sure there yet
3) Def. done! :-)
You mentioned him deflecting; very possible....... how to thoughtfully deal with that behavior?
hi evergreen:)
Submitted by c ur self on
I've been in a second marriage for 6 years now with a wife who has severe add I also have two step son's. A huge part of the battle for me was coming to understand how my add wife saw the world and how here mind processes things. (still learning, everyday is an adventure)...But, a lot of the damage was done in our marriage before I come to understand her somewhat...This site will be good for you to look at, (along with some good books) it has helped me understand many things about add/adhd and the effects it has on people and on marriages. I will say this looking at your story, first, the add/adhd brain's "normal way of functioning" can cause you to be run over, and the adhd person behind the action will have zero intent :)...So, before you get bitter, and start blaming (only hurting yourself) take a breathe. Your said you asked for 24 hour notice, nothing wrong with that in theory, but, if the children's Mother is irresponsible to go along with the way your husband views' life...adhd = spontaneous, living in the here and now, making permanent decisions on a whim...My wife and I can agree on some kind of relaxed plan where we are going to hang out at home...Two day's later, she just can't understand why I want jump up pack and take of for her sister's house out of town...DA...It may be DA for some us, but it's sound thinking for her. I'm not making an excuse for thoughtfulness. You said he likes to argue, (is it mostly with you and maybe the boy's? how about work? See my wife is quiet the angel with her friends and co-workers. It was just me, they can laugh at her antics, she is loving and generally a happy person. but they don't have to go home with the life of the party. Who can't throw nothing away, who I don't think over one or twice if at all have I saw her with a broom, or mop or vacuum in her hands. When I use to say something about her helping in the past. She told me that was my gift ;)...Not her's...She meant it. :)...So, I suggest you have a calm, repeat calm set down with just husband...If he as severe add, you should know, he may struggle to follow in conversations. Which is induces frustrations. So set boundary's, maybe right it down...So you can hand him the paper after you tell him. You can't argue with him, it will just escalate, and you will loose him anyway about the time the first interruptions start...So, get boundary's on paper about what you will accept and be a part of...Just let him know, you do not live and will not live in chaos...Let him know, if he can't respect who you are, and the way you feel, then there will be a lot of quiet times...And even times where you may not be around...Let him know, loving him, doesn't mean, being used by him. He needs understand and care about your feelings also...Y'all have a great chance, if you will be patient and show Grace to one another. So get those boundary's calmly and rationally setup, and make a determined effort to not see yourself as a victim, (remember, he didn't ask for adhd, he is who he is) are harbor resentment. I think you would agree he needs to be a good father, and a loving and thoughtful husband both...But, he has found himself in a place that makes it much harder. Your marriage may never look like the next persons...Mine don't, but, If we can love, and understanding and lots of Grace in our hearts then we will make it!
Blessings to you evergreen.
this is full of typo's sorry ;(
Submitted by c ur self on
sorry...
Motives
Submitted by Standing on
Evergreen, welcome.
The others have made some good suggestions. I want to chime in and say that 1 of the biggest mistakes i have made in the past was to assign motive to my husband's add behavior. I felt exactly as you've expressed - it seemed to me that the man simply thrived on the chaos and could not get enough! Because of my assumption, I often took offense unnecessarily. It is a far simpler matter to state preferences (and sometimes non-negotiables!) when you're not angry at perceived slights and thoughtlessness. My take on it is that add experiences mayhem as "normal". In my own situation, I' ve had to take ownership of the responsibility to educate my husband in what is my view of normal, and not with subtlety, and then be prepared to compromise. Alot.
It is difficult, to say the least, and often lonely, but I am beginning to see that it need not be torture.
Thank you so much for the
Submitted by evergreen on
Thank you so much for the kind words and great ideas on this forum. Obvious concern for me with the whimsy moment to moment with the teenagers is who is in charge, as there have been party issues, etc. that will potentially escalate as all the kids go thru high school. Getting away has been my saving grace and being alone I am getting used to, ok with/ go see friends or exercise. The idea of boundary setting and writing it down are good to.. We will make it for sure, I certainly as non-adhd person had to change and have tried to be my own person and absolutely stop parenting him.