My wife and I are going on 10 years since we first started dating exclusively. We've been living together for 6 years, and married for nearly four. Things have deteriorated rapidly in the past year. In the past two months, we've had explosive arguments occasionally ending with, "Leave me already; you're making me miserable!" or "Nothing about you makes me happy anymore!"
I'm quite certain that much of our problem is directly related to our mental conditions. Explosive confrontations are not me. I have patience, and would prefer to let things cool down.
Six years ago, my wife was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder after suffering severe, debilitating panic attacks. The panic attacks were nothing new to her life, but the severity of that episode was enough to finally get help. She also suffers from periodic depression, either as a result of her anxiety, or in conjunction with it. She was put on medication and went to therapy regularly.
One year ago, in the midst of my own bout of depression (something that comes and goes periodically) I finally sought help. I was diagnosed by two independent doctors as having ADHD, which they both feel has a lot to do with my depression. I have all the symptoms documented on this board, in the books, in the research papers, etc. I am on my own meds and attend therapy religiously. I cannot go through the second half of my life, as dissatisfied and unfulfilled as I have the first half.
My wife and I would like to have a child (or children). So a little less than a year ago, she stopped taking her medicine, while continuing her therapy albeit sparsely. This made me very uncomfortable. Her reasoning was that we should hurry up and get her pregnant so she could have a baby, then when it's safe, she could go back on her meds, and we'd all live happily ever after. My intuition told me this was not a wise approach, but since I'm getting older and would like a child too, I went along with it.
My wife got pregnant and miscarried, in the middle of the winter; ectopic pregnancy. Neither one of us really dealt deeply with the disappointment, but moved on, which brings us to today.
She is no longer on medication and quit her therapy. She's tightly strung, and I spend my time with her walking on eggshells, trying not to upset her, rather than making her happy (or myself, for that matter). In the mean time, my progress is slow, but I'm making every effort to change. It's not easy: I'm constantly on the defensive; I feel I have no control; even the slightest mistake I make sets off a such a nasty, visceral reaction from her, that it sets me off and we wind up fighting about all kinds of things.
Having said all of this, and struggling daily to be nice and respectful, I'm beginning to realize that all the things my wife complains about that relate directly to my ADHD, are things she is equally guilty of.
I think we both may suffer the same thing. And while I've always been sympathetic to her anxiety and supportive of her, I don't feel the same level of patience or understanding that I've shown. It's killing our marriage. At this point, I'm ready to take action. The problem is I don't know which action to take: do I push for couples therapy or do I move out?
All I know is we're both suffering, and I'm the only one doing anything about it these days.
when both partners suffer from similar symptoms
Submitted by fiona on
It's taken me a while to seek help for dealing with my husband's ADHD. When we were first married 5 years ago, his mother gave me a book about ADHD that I promptly threw in the garbage (as I plead forgiveness from the recycling gods). One of the biggest reasons that I had trouble admitting to his "disease" was because I did not want to become an enabler and this is why. I too feel that I suffer from many of his same problems. Having never been treated as a child, I learned how to deal with most of the symptoms and I have learned to survive in life in a much different way than he. Thus my understanding of ADD in children is over diagnosis. I mean, come on, doesn't everyone have these problems? The ones who really suffer the worst are the ones who have never learned to deal with the symptoms b/c they were constantly using it as an excuse or taking meds to cover up the source of the problem. So, after five years of marriage, I too am thinking divorce. He blames me, says I can't break up our family. I worry about our children. But I also worry about my sanity and my financial well being. I can take care of myself if I didn't have to take care of him too or feel that I was constantly bearing the weight of the many problems that he won't face. So, my main question is this: how am I supposed to manage his behavior (as so many of the feeds suggest - finding ways to help your ADHD partner, etc.) when I have enough trouble managing my own behavior and the rest of our lives that he has left me to manage as well? With two kids under four years old, a house that is falling apart, zero sex life and a financial mess that I fear there is no way out of... I can't find time to take care of my own survival needs. With working full time there is little to no time for meditation, running and yoga which have helped me through so many difficult times in the past. I often say to myself, well, marriage isn't easy, young kids are not easy, financial times are not easy, but I find myself wondering now more than ever, could it be easier if we were with different people? I've lost my entire social life and I'm completely isolated from family and friends.
Adhd+Anxiety Disorder
Submitted by Whats_forever_for on
I can relate to you, I am diagnosed with GAD and I have had my anxiety attacks from time to time. My husband is having ADHD and his symptoms is causing stress and puts weight into our family which is adding to my anxiety. I am convincing my husband to seek for a Professional help as well. I cannot continue living like this, struggling with our relationship, we fight to slightest issues resulting from his adhd, which also triggers for me to get anxiety attack. We both losein our situation, we are both in pain, struggling, stressed, burned out and is affecting our family, marriage and kids.