My husband is going crazy!I am not sure what is his real problems but ever since I met him no one liked him,no one trusted him,everyone wants to stay away from him.His own mother came to me when I first met him and told me that I would be sorry in the long haul if I were to be with him but I was sooo much head over heels in love with this man I did not listen to no one but my self.I am lost for words I don't know where to begin.I am so alone and afraid of everything even being on the computer sometimes.I am here blogging and doing my researches and he is very insecure with me on the computer thinking that I am going to cheat with someone online and I am never doing those crazy things he makes up in his crazy head.

Tonight I am over at his apartment trying to work out an altercation I got into him concerning one of his friends from a different state that was unresolved between us.I tried to avoid any confrontation with him this week that has gone by so that I can work the week in a clear head so I did not go to his apartment I stayed at home by my house where I run my business from.When I went by him he was not there,when I checked at the bar he was there self medicating and drinking out his life,I told him right away to meet me home at his place to discuss out altercation and to clear up what was bothering him.He was shouting when he arrived,cursing,calling me names,saying horrible horrible things.

He told me tonight that he is not happy and that he can't live like this no more and that he has to find a permanent relationship and that I can't live with him and that is killing him b/c he needs someone to hug at nights and that I am never there.I can't live with him for many reasons,he is too much of a bully,he watches porn while I am asleep right next to me,he loves to be in control of everything,every TV program,food we eat,places we would hang out everything!! then I have my business at home and I have to get up a 4 in the morning to start my work so I live at home for my finances to continue to be at a paste and financially free.Then I have my kids living with me and his apartment can't fit myself and my two kids.Okay in other words he can't provide for me (or won't)!

Even if I could live with him I won't b/c firstly he has to cool down that temper of his and starts meds for his ADHD also depressions and mood swings etc etc etc.My husband is a very charming sweet nasty man,he is very very manipulating and very kind hearted for the things that would benefit him and ONLY HIM.Tonight he is telling me and for the past 2 years now that he has to find someone to settle down with and have next to him always.I have no problem with that,but,for a man that deserves it.Not a man like himself.I could do what he is asking for,but what would benefit me from that.(NOTHING)

here's the real deal,

I am always there on weekends,I am almost there every evening after he finishes work,I wash,clean and fold his clothes,I do the dishes all the time for him,I make up the bed,I am always cleaning his apartment,every holiday we get I am there with him,every chance I have,but then I have my business to run,my kids to attend to and myself,my mother to keep an eye on an uncle to watch over with his cancer and my 4 cats I love too much.I am trying to split my time between house,work,kids,husband,family at home and myself.I am overwhelmed but I am strong and I have been doing a wonderful job,but hubby thinks that I am to caught up home and with work and kids and he feels left out of the circle.

Maybe it's best we really do break up and end this now before I end up more hurt,I think that he would never be happy no matter what I do,if only he would just do the right thing and go on meds and work on change,he is almost 50 and I am 32 and I thought that being 50 and with no stable life yet he would wake up but still he has not waken up.I am hurt and terrified and I feel so dry up and used by him after all I try and did for him,I gave him ALL my love and then he cut me down to size with a lot of hurtful words and actions.regardless to if we live together or live apart he would never be happy b/c we use to live together before for 6 months and that did not work out and I know I am wasting my time,I was just hoping that we could have continued to date and live apart b/c that is the best thing for his unstable living and dysfunctional brain and unhealthy way of living with his drug and alcohol addiction not to mention that nasty porn addiction.

He would bad talk me with everyone around him and then accuse me of things that I never did and say it so differently that how I trues to explain it to him,he would make up- all these things in his head and then lash out at me in a rage and vengeance,I told him personal things that happened to me and he would throw them back in my face and they hurt me really bad to hear him repeat those things back to me,I confided in him and he totally went all out to hurt me and kill my love the little that I felt for him.I got so mad tonight and told him I wished he was dead b/c he was really mean and nasty to me and he always bad talk my son with me telling me hurtful things about my kids and my cats and I love my kids and my cats very much and he knows that and he tells me these things to hurt me.

thank you for listening to my blog,I know it was long and I have so much more to say but I would stop now.

lovehurts.