Hi guys. I need some help. I have been married for a year and my husband has ADHD but is unmedicated. He drinks every day, too. Not only is he unpredictable, like I don't know which version I'm getting that day but also I have noticed he created situations in his head. He can be on a work call (we work together) on speaker and he will make comments like "did u notice this person saying "hey" with an attitude? " and no it was a normal hey. If we go out to dinner or have guests over he accuses me of looking at men in a certain flirtatious way or that we exchanged looks or comments flirting. It's all in his head and he believes them wholeheartedly. That's why I think it's more than jealousy, it's like his hyper focus is driving him to schizophrenia. Imagining things and exaggerating experiences. When I try to explain thing he won't listen. Has anyone experienced this before? And if so, how have u handled it? It's draining me and driving me to depression
ADHD husband creates situations that are not there
Submitted by Carla77 on 07/13/2021.
Hi
Submitted by jayjay on
My ADD husband has an issue with authority so he calls it abuse or bullying if his boss corrects him or something. Then he will start a smear campaign against that person. In my case there has been times he's completely fabricated events, for example one time we were having an argument about something minor, he ran out saying he was leaving the marriage and then he called his mum to say he had left the marriage because I keep arguing about her and he couldn't take it anymore. This was during a period me and his mum were getting along and I was being positive about her, it completely ruined mine and her relationship because she believed him. He then came back to the marriage and said at that time he said that to her he believed it was true. There have been other moments like this one. I didn't handle it well because he just wanted me to forget about it but I didn't know at that time he had ADD and needed him to take accountability. I became depressed esp as I had just had my second child. Later on medication helped a bit but there's so much pressure walking on egg shells.
Walking on egg shells
Submitted by Carla77 on
Thank you for your answer. It really makes me few better that someone out there understands this feeling. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, too. Always watching what I do or say bc he can get delusional and create a situation so twisted and intense makes me doubt my own sanity. It has helped me to understand that I don't create those situations, I can't control them and I can't change them. It's in his head. It's just so draining and we just got married a year ago, I can't imagine a life of this. It just hurts to see the Man You love change so much
Hi
Submitted by jayjay on
I meant to say Meditation helped me to become more self aware of my feelings, because he used to read my feelings wrong, accuse me of overreacting or getting too emotional if I calmly bought up an issue. He has been diagnosed by a psychiatrist but refusing meds or therapy as he is in denial. We have been separated for 6moths, he ran out again impulsively and started a smear campaign, I think he might believe all the rubbish he's saying about me. I've been up n down but on the other hand being a single mum has been easier than living with him! I don't encourage divorce if you have kids because he could be far worse in divorce then in marriage, there's no winning! Best thing would be to pretend you've just come across an article about ADD and read it aloud and see if it triggers anything in him then suggest getting diagnosed in a breezy manner. My husband got the impression ADD was something to do with dyslexia so was ok about going to get diagnosed but he won't accept it affects his emotions.
You are so strong and I love
Submitted by Carla77 on
You are so strong and I love to hear you have handled being a single mom in the best way. We don't have kids. My dream when getting married was to have one but now I don't even know. Bringing a baby to this roller coaster seems unfair which breaks my heart in a million pieces bc I really hoped to be a mom at some point. He was the one who introduced me to the ADHD, he knows he has it but takes no medication. I think the abuse in drinking makes everything worse. He is responsible with work and is responsible with the bills of our new house. I take care of everything in the house, our pets, my job. I think what kills me the most is the fact that nobody knows what I'm going through, I recently moved away from my family and friends when we bought the house and communication is over the phone mostly and they have no idea what I go through.
Hello
Submitted by jayjay on
Does your husband feel it's not his fault he has ADHD and it's for you to accommodate his symptoms?
I can't lie, I'm sure you've read it here enough times it gets worse with a child and even more worse with a second child. Before baby there was so much over promising, setting up routines and times he will stay up to look after baby, but when the baby arrived he couldn't wait to get out of hospital quick enough! After that he blamed baby as difficult for waking up for feeds because good babies he knew slept through. He kept feeling like I was inconsiderate of him by breastfeeding baby so I paid the price...him not helping at all! If I asked him for help he used to flare up. I didn't realise they were adhd related meltdowns he was having. I started believing him that it was me, he'll convince me i somehow provoke him and unlike other wives and mothers I couldn't take care of him and baby. He's so persuasive, I just started doing everything for him so he would believe I was good enough, I was insecure and had low self esteem then from all the self doubt! in the meantime he was going round promoting himself as a great helpful husband and father, very hands on in public, and I constantly had to put up praise about him and how lucky I was! If I don't meet his unrealistic needs he punishes me with passive aggression, in such a polite manner he would do something he knows will upset me, or hold back affection, either to punish me or bait me into a reaction. He's high funtioning with a decent job and takes care of bills. But somehow even if I meet all his needs it's not enough. Although he's been diagnosed his friend and family refuse to accept he's ADD affects him, they don't believe he has it although he's diagnosed, over the years he's learnt to disguise his symptoms so well even my family give him a character witness, that he's the most patient and forgiving person they know and of course best husband, best father.... I can't win with him.
Yep.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
This is what my ex-husband used to do to me after our son was born. He did not have ADHD. The first two weeks after our son was born were okay enough.
Once I went back to work his true nature was revealed. He snapped at me because he wasn't getting enough sleep because our son would wake up, and need to be fed as babies do. My son was not breastfed, so there was no reason why my husband couldn't have gotten up in the middle of the night just to give me a break but he didn't. ( He started sleeping through the night at 8 weeks old, but my husband could have helped me, at least for the first few weeks.)
I ended up taking care of everything. From the outside it looked like we had a great marriage and everything was going good...the perfect little family. He was so good at manipulation and the abuse was so subtle I didn't realize I was being abused. I honestly thought that everything was my fault that if only I could be a better wife a better mother a better person Etc things would be better. He made a big deal out of it if I asked him to do anything to help me. He wouldn't help me years later when I was in a non weight bearing cast for 6 weeks. Took me a long time to realize it was him.
I changed to please him. I did everything he wanted exactly how he wanted it and when he wanted it and it still wasn't enough. I became someone that I didn't recognize. I ended up losing myself and falling into a deep depression that lasted for years.
Just one year
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
I didn't realize you had only been married for one year. This is your chance to get out before things seem too complicated to leave (although they are rarely TOO complicated, they can just feel that way). I highly encourage you to divorce. You can do it in the kindest way. And if you still love him, you can remain close and even date, as long as his behavior changes.
Issues with authority
Submitted by sickandtired on
I have a story similar to JayJay’s situation. I broke my leg, and upon coming home from the hospital, I asked a close friend, who was also a paramedic, to help my ex carry me back into the house. My paramedic friend was instructing him how 2 people can carry someone safely, and he corrected him on a couple of things. I could tell that my ex was steaming with anger at my friend’s instructions. After my friend left, my ex flew into a rage, saying he had been bullied, and blaming me for “not standing up for him”. He also blamed me for falling, saying I had ruined his life. I fell because I was trying to move some potted plants indoors because the temperature was going to dip that night. I had been asking my ex to move them for a month, but he never got around to it. But falling down was totally my fault in his eyes.
He went on to do a smear campaign on my paramedic friend, telling anyone who would listen about his victimization.... even the paramedic’s wife and family! That’s another thing I had noticed about him.... he had no sense of the bonds in relationships... he would talk trash about someone’s mother, thinking he could get them on his side against their own mother. He never learned that was a foolish thing to do, and expected everyone to whole heartedly agree with him. If they didn’t, in his mind they were bullies too!
Another time, he accused a real estate agent of poisoning his dog after he broke a contract with the agent He finally admitted he didn’t know why his dog died, but this was after he smeared the realtor’s reputation, and wrote many negative reviews using fake names
I’m so glad I broke up with this drama addicted, insecure, 60 year old adolescent.
He needs help
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
Hi. This is common in bad relationships, whether or not the person is drinking or has ADD. I think the best way to approach it (assuming you want to stay in the relationship) is to honestly and bring it up and ask him to address it. If he does, that's wonderful. If he doesn't, you should leave. I spent years in your situation (minus the drinking) trying every which way to "help" my husband with his problems. In the end, I was only prolonging the relationship, as someone who wants to change (or is able to change) will change, and someone who doesn't want to (or is unable to) won't change. I struggled with the fact that it wasn't his fault that he had ADD, but in the end, I realized that didn't matter. He was making me miserable and I didn't want to be miserable. I have been out of the marriage for four years and it was the best decision I have ever made.
Good for you!
Submitted by sickandtired on
Good for you, Overwhelmed Wife and Mother! I’m so glad you are enjoying your healthy new life! If a partner is making you miserable, not trying to better themselves, and relies on you for everything in their life, it is a disservice to both of you to continue the relationship.
You chose healthy independence over a lifetime of unhealthy enabling. I’m so happy for you!