Submitted by Karmakameleon on 03/25/2024.
50 years old, just diagnosed less than a year ago. Financially stable, career stable, a little impulsive, but very internally hyperactive. Only been married a short time. I'm in my third ADHD and relationships book. 2 by Orlov. I've read all of them. She will not. It's a me problem, not an us problem.
I'm tired of the backhanded or just out right derogatory comments. The, and I quote "Let me tell you why you're wrong. "
The rejection and withholding of affection. The gaslighting. The I'm never right she's never wrong.
It's exhausting and I'm overwhelmed.
Are you the spouse with the ADHD?
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I am confused.
I am the ADHD Spouse
Submitted by Karmakameleon on
I am the 50 year old husband that has ADHD and is overwhelmed.
Withholding of affection
Submitted by Swedish coast on
In my experience, a partner does not withhold affection to punish or to make statements. Lack of affection happens when a partner feels they are treated badly. They then don't have much to give.
Affection isn't something you can demand. It is the blessing of a reciprocal loving relationship.
I would implore you to investigate that theory
Submitted by Karmakameleon on
Do a search on "withholding affection" Both intimacy and affection can and are withheld as a form of retaliation in some cases. To be honest, we've been in couples therapy for a year and it's only gotten worse.
Sorry
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm sorry. My comment obviously was not helpful and not applicable in your situation. I'm struggling myself at the moment and in rather bad shape I'm afraid. Just reacted to wording without knowing anything about your relationship.
It's so sad that we all have to go through these relationship horrors.
I'm sorry if I offended you.
Did Google it
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Did a search and the first one that came up said withholding affection shouldn't be confused with healthy boundary-setting when there is a lack of trust. So I think what I referred to in my first post was the latter.
You will not find a lot of empathy here
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
As most of the posting here comes from overwhelmed non-adhd partners who are at wit's end with their own spouses/exes or in a period of grief and rebuilding their lives. I get that, and adhd is on a spectrum so some cases are severe. You've clearly described your competencies as a spouse, which many spouses described here lack. And yet, most posting here will see you in the light that they see their own exes or spouses, and will respond from that perspective instead of viewing you as an individual in your own unique situation, with valid needs and pain deserving of empathy and sympathy.
I do hope that you can find support for yourself which takes your feelings, needs, and perspectives into account, without dismissing or invalidating you. This happens here due to the pain from long term dysfunctional dynamics, but you deserve better than that. I'm not sure this is the place to get what you hope for, unfortunately. And that is sad because I can understand why you'd feel very overwhelmed and discouraged with your situation.
Thanks for the honesty
Submitted by Karmakameleon on
I actually wrote up a long response, deleted it, wrote a snarky reply (not to you but the idea in general), deleted it.
So I'll just say thank you for being honest. I will continue looking for the support I need. God knows I need it.
There must be good sources out there.
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
Karma, I'm really sorry that right off the bat you were dismissed and invalidated. It's typical of what you would see here as an adhd spouse and it is troubling. A lot of bitterness on the boards. Perhaps a different therapist for you to see individually that specializes in supporting those with adhd? It sounds like you could use some compassion. I hope you find it , it's out there! Best to you.
All the best
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Karma, I hope you will find a way forward that gives you peace and happiness.
I know how an ADHD spouse can have the very best intentions and be a dearly loved partner. Still, symptoms may come in the way and put a relationship with a non-ADHD partner under terrible stress. It's unfair, it's not your fault, and there's not really a point in saying either partner is right or wrong in their perceptions of the world.
You need to protect yourself, like we all are. And I agree that if your wife doesn't want to engage in work to improve the relationship, that leaves you in a vulnerable position. She might not understand you at all since she's wired differently, but if she doesn't want to even try, maybe you are better off without her? In marriage, we need acceptance, joy, relaxation. It shouldn't be this hard.
I'm heartbroken myself that my marriage to an ADD partner was unsaveable and we both were so miserable in our incompatibility. You wrote your marriage hasn't been long. Maybe that helps in remembering what you used to enjoy before.
All the best to you.
Hi Karma
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
I have read several sources that say that people with adhd are especially vulnerable to choosing abusive partners. In any relationship, being gaslit and being made to be eternally wrong is emotional abuse. You having adhd does not entitle her to demeaning behaviors. If she finds you to be an undesirable partner, her option is to leave or participate in solutions, and if she chooses not to, that's on her. The lazy choice, the immature choice, is to be nasty to you. It seems you are making effort to treat your diagnosed condition, and that she isn't interested in partnering with you. She may be an abusive nag who might always choose an underdog for a partner, it may not be personal at all. If it weren't adhd in a partner it could be any number of ithet things, some people just absolutely suck at relationships and are mean about it. Have you sought professional support for the despair you feel about your marriage? Is leaving an option?
Living single is better than living with a bully, don't you think?
And, some people withhold affection and are terminally critical of their mates, it's called intimacy anorexia and stems from internal issues in the person who withholds. Worth a search. It's never just one person in a relationship, it takes two and guess what, it ain't all you!
Fellow ADHD spouse here
Submitted by alphabetdave on
I empathise completely with this. First of all well done for recognising that ADHD is part of the problem, and for wanting recognition that it's "an us problem" as opposed to "a you (as in your non ADHD spouse) problem"
I've been married a lot longer and recognise the feelings you're talking about. What I've come to realise is really hard actually, is parsing out exactly how your own behaviour factors into it. RSD (I assume you know what this is but if not, worth looking up) and emotional dysregulation can massively colour the way we interpret what our spouses say and do. When myself and my spouse get into an argument, the emotions are intense - the feeling of being unloved is so intense, and I want nothing more to get us back to a good place, to "not let the sun set on an argument", but what I often don't realise is that in a state of emotional dysregulation I'm actually in no fit state to have such a conversation. I wildly misinterpret what my spouse is trying to say, and I can speak callously with a complete lack of awareness of the hurt I'm causing. All while genuinely believing that I'm being the rational one. For years, I genuinely feared my spouse's mood swings, unsure whether I was going to be good enough from one day to the next, completely unaware that my own erratic emotions day to day were a huge part of the issue.
Not saying that is necessarily what's going on here, just that it's so hard to see from the inside - and this in particular is something that non-ADHDers I think struggle to understand. I'm sure there are ADHDers who are completely selfish and don't care about the effects they have on others, but the vast majority I've met, do care - and carry around all of the shame from all the people they've hurt and pushed away. If it seems like we don't care, it's only because we feel powerless to change and "accepting our fate" seems a better option than trying to fight our own lack of consistency and only causing ourselves hurt.
By far, the most healing thing I've ever done has been connecting with other ADHDers via ADHD peer support groups - because other ADHDers tend to understand the internal shame that comes with a lifetime of living with ADHD. I'm not any less an ADHDer for knowing other ADHDers, but I'm a happier ADHDer because my experience is validated in a way that non-ADHDers realy struggle to do, especially if it's a non ADHDer that's been living with the external consequences of your ADHD. And in my experience a happy, validated ADHDer will try harder. They'll still have ADHD - but they'll have more drive to do what they need to do, and pick themselves back up after failure.
Thank you so much. I really
Submitted by Karmakameleon on
Thank you so much. I really appreciate the kind words. I have found some relief in "fight Right" by the Gottmans. For the first time a book made sense.