Recently - within the last year - my husband was diagnosed with ADHD. For some background, We have been together for 5+ years and we moved where we are at the beginning of 2020 so he could pursue an acting career with my full support. He has been in several background roles but otherwise had not been working. When we first came here he got a full time job that he quit after like 3 months or so due to terrible management issues within the company and having not enough time to pursue acting the way he wanted. In the past he has quit all of his jobs for a similar reason/him hating the career. It has apparently been a pattern his entire life according to my MIL. Since he quit his full-time job, he has not had a job (gets military disability) but has been taking acting classes, which end next month. He has stopped going to therapy for monetary reasons - he cant afford it and I cant afford us both in therapy. I have held a full time position basically since we got here (I live with BPD, anxiety, depression, and am pursuing a potential autism diagnosis) and have been holding us up on a salary that is not enough.
Now, he has had a part time position for the last couple months but is now saying he wants to quit everything, acting included. He says he wants to quit because he is more depressed, anxious, and angry than he has ever been.
I am at my wits end with this pattern, his lack of drive, and the constant instability it causes. I can't plan for anything - we live in a basement apartment of one of his friends and have a whole 2 windows.
I am not insensitive to his feelings - I am at a loss for how to bring up how his pattern of quitting is affecting me and preventing a stable household.
Open to any and all tips or criticism.
I'm in the same boat.
Submitted by BusyBee123 on
I'm in the same boat. Boyfriend ex military, out of work for almost four months. I'm seeking an autism diagnosis. I don't have answers but just wanted to say I see you and hear you and your feelings are valid
TY
Submitted by anonuser001 on
I appreciate it.
My husband is ex military as well.
Work
Submitted by ADD times two w... on
I can relate. When I met my hubby I was a single mom working two jobs. I wasn't the best with money but when it came to doing what I had to to make sure my children had a roof over their heads, I was going to do it. I come from a long line of single, 'independent', women.
Context: In my opinion guys just function better when they are working/have a job. There are of course exceptions to this but based on historical evidence that's the exception, not the rule. I'm also Christian and fundamentally believe men have an obligation to God and their families to embrace their roles as Head of the family. That looks different for everyone but that is their overarching goal in life and this includes loving their wives. Us women have role also but that is a story for another day.
My husband doesn't get disability but he does get a monthly income that will last for the rest of his life. He worked off and on during the early days of our relationship. When we had our son he stayed home and I returned to work. We never really talked about it, things just kind of worked out that way.
I have ADD. I'm the one obsessed with the computer. So when I got pregnant and all the things leading up to it, I was on the web searching, intending on doing all the things I didn't get to do with my other two children. This included breastfeeding. I was OBSESSED with breastfeeding. I had pumped GALLONS of milk by the time my son was nine months old.
Fast forward to us in a new house and the milk had run out but I was still trying to pump and work at the same time. Hubby was with our son and I was back to work. I should say I work from home. I was working from home before it was a thing like it is now; this is what allowed me to pump all that milk like a mad woman, which I was basically because I was in what I have named my ADD mania. I was super hyper focused on breastfeeding, I think this was wonderful pre baby and during maternity leave. It wasn't so cute anymore when he got to spend all day fawning over the baby I had went through over a year and nine months of my own version of hell to carry; hooked up to this flippin' breast pump like a dairy cow on a farm!
This was a bad time in my marriage. I've posted versions of it but to give more context, we had to to through IVF to have our son. I don't mind talking about it because it shows the power of God and how wonderful my husband is (he paid for it alone and the crap ain't cheap). I could tell you stories of going through IVF with a partner with ADD (me) and another with ADHD, hubby. It was the perfect storm.
I had found my way back to God during this time also. I hyper focused there also. He isn't quite Christian but he is on a walk so I hold him accountable to a degree. I had been doing a lot of repentance. Actively acknowledging that God held me to a standard. I was also battling all the resentment I had for my husband and getting to stay home with our son. I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I wanted to focus on our son like he got to do. I was jealous. That was my underlying issue. I acknowledge that. But he was my husband and I didn't just marry him for the sex and his good looks. God also said he was supposed to be the Head. He was supposed to do things too. It might not always be the way I thought it should be but he was supposed to do it.
I wrote a letter to my husband. I poured my goo 'lovingly' all over him. I told him I resented him. I told him I was jealous. I told him I wanted to stay at home with our son. He robbed me of that!
Needless to say he didn't take it that way. More context: My husband has a lot of patience. I'm not a picnic. He loves me a lot and takes a lot from me. But when he does go off it's bad. Like really bad. So he sat there quite, because I am also the one who interrupts, and took in what I said. After I was done he basically said-he didn't yell which should have been my first clue that this was CODE RED, he was sorry he did all that and he would get a job.
That was the first real crack in my marriage. For a lot of reasons but there it was.
He got a job. I got to mother my son. I stopped breastfeeding. I thought we were okay. It wasn't. We weren't but that's also a story for another day. He adjusted. He didn't like it at first but once he was back in his role, providing for his family, his nature took over and he started to feel pride in himself again. He would never tell me so but I see/saw it.
Looking back I could have handled it better. But I think guys forget that we women see them in a certain light. We are designed to do so. We want our men to be strong and manly and a great father and the best lover ever. These things are above ADD/ADHD because they/we are designed to be that way! It's not asking too much for them to live up to that. It has nothing to do with who took out the trash or the unfinished projects. My ADD ebbs and flows, not the things that make me a woman. When my guy wasn't working it changed the way I saw him; yes under it was my resentment but I also resented him because he wasn't doing what I KNEW he couldn't help doing-being the man.
I wouldn't go about it the same way I did, asking him to take your goo; but I would say something. There IS a line. Yes my husbands monthly income helped and we weren't struggling per se but we are a LOT better off now. We were able to buy a house, which he was a big part of, and he has since gotten a raise; which has put another feather is his 'man' hat lol.
Just my two cents. Hope it helps :)
EDIT: I would also move out of that basement apartment. Its like going down into a dungeon every day. To me, that place just screams depression and problems. No amount of cheery decor and pictures will change that. No natural light? Just walls and ADHD? Nah bae that ain't conducive to your sanity in my opinion.I have a brother who is an alcoholic and he lived in a place like that for a few months. He went to work, came home, got a drink, drank himself into functional oblivion, passed out, woke up the next day, repeat. I saw the depression creeping in and told him the same thing I am telling you, we need sunshine and light. We need our home to be full of light, away from the world, regardless of what is going on inside it. I just imagine your man who is already struggling, doing that in a dark place with no light. Seems like if living in that basement apartment didn't bother you, you wouldn't have mentioned it. I don't say that to be mean, I say it because maybe that is your heart telling you it bothers you more than you realize so it might be what's best for both of you. Only you know that for sure. Not an expert just observation.
not religious
Submitted by anonuser001 on
Hi...thanks for your story.
We are not religious, have no kids and have no plans to. None of that is really an issue or relevant to my situation at all.
The issue is the pattern of him wanting to quit 'everything,' and in some cases actually quitting to start yet another new thing, but also not seeing that it its a pattern at all.
Yes I agree wholeheartly!
Submitted by ADD times two w... on
Yes. I just told a story I thought related to yours to give context in that you should say something. I agree his pattern of quitting is an issue and you should say something. This is a line for you. It has nothing to do with his ADHD. Regardless if you guys share my worldview or not, it's in his DNA. He can't get away from that. He knows deep down he should be working. He doesn't just get to say it's hard and I don't like it and my ADHD bothers me today. Nope. I agree. I was saying in my long winded ADD way that he doesn't get to use his ADHD when it comes to supporting his family. Thats his job. However you guys define that is how you define it. Yeah it's a pattern that he can't escape. You don't like this job? Well you have to get another one. Oh, that one didn't work either? So sorry, here is the paper. He might keep quitting the jobs but he has to work. I don't know if he will see the pattern, I try to show it to my husband and sometimes he gets and sometimes he doesn't.
Some of us are lucky enough to have partners who can hold a job and don't go through this but how I see it, you don't get a free ride in doing something that ultimately benefits both of us, especially if you aren't giving me another option.Our partners aren't crazy. Like you aren't insane, man. I'm not dealing with someone who has completely checked out of reality. (so sorry for anyone dealing with that type of thing).
Hold him accountable. My worldview doesn't change that im a woman too and I agree he has to be the man and work.
I am in this position now.. I
Submitted by audhdcitizen on
I am in this position now.. I am autistic &adhd and my partner of 3 years is adhd as well (both late diagnosed).
When we first met (just before the pandemic) he had been living with his parents who forced him to work with his dad and he held that job for several years. When the pandemic began he was made redundant and I had just been graduating from university. I too had struggled with quitting after a couple months at this time in my life as the only jobs I could get were in sales for some reason and I really struggle socially and was having daily meltdowns. I was also upcycling furniture on the side and doing random cash in hand jobs to make sure the bills were paid. Thankfully I managed to find an office desk job and have worked here for nearly 2 years on a decent salary. Since then we have gotten two pets and I am still solely financially supporting me, him, and our two pets (which is fine if we had agreed upon this arrangement but it has always been known and agreed that he would find a full time job so we could stop living paycheque to paycheque and have savings)
In the last two years he has since worked every job (retail, healthcare, pet industry, warehouse, office, etc) and has found a reason to quit every single one of them, quite a few of them he had quit after the FIRST DAY. He said they were too harsh on his mental health, management was too mean, the job was too stressful for him, it was too physically demanding, the hours werent good for him, etc. Several times he even rejected job offers - never even starting! I have let him know multiple times how him continuing this pattern has affected me and is preventing us from ever saving enough to buy a house which is a big goal for the two of us. He always apologises, agrees that it is unfair, and promises he will stick with the next job no matter what. I always believed him because I know its really difficult to get out of bed everyday and go to a difficult job with ADHD, i have struggled too. But we have two pets now and the cost of living keeps rising and the broken promises have really started to take a toll on me and Im struggling under the financial stress supporting us all. He has even tried going to university and quit that after the first semester. He has talked about doing several other courses but never even started. Through all of this, I have tried really hard to be supportive as I didnt want to make his mental health decline any worse.
He had been entirely unemployed for the last 6 months where he stopped putting any effort into even applying for jobs. It was a hard time for the both of us and our relationship but in the last two months or so I really started to see an improvement. He got some drive back and started applying to jobs, going on interview. He also came to the realisation that dog grooming is the career he wanted and devised a plan asking me to pay £1200 for him to begin a dog grooming course where he would also work part time anywhere to pay me back immediately. He had done so much research into the course and profession which he hadnt shown any drive or ambition in so long I thought this was a real improvement and I agreed. He has since started the course and actually, by the luck of the gods, found a job that he began recently. Its three nights a week stocking grocery store shelves. He said he wanted to quit after the first shift. By his third shift, he had gone home early as he told his manager he was having migraines. He let me know after his first week of working (3 shifts) he is planning on quitting but promises not to do so until he has a job offer somewhere else. I am fustrated and have let him know that if he ever wants to stop his bad pattern he should at least try to last until his first paycheque (one month is all im asking!) he has said that it is not possible as he has now realised he hates night shifts and the job is too physically demanding. I have tried to understand his struggles and I've even been doing all the housework, cooking, and walking the pets by myself during his first week to make it easier on him. But now I just feel disrespected? For the last couple of years I have been shouldering all the responsiblity and being supportive while having my own struggles being audhd in the workplace that I go to therapy for. All I am asking from him is to last one month this time and he wont do that. I have asked him to go to therapy that I will pay for and he says he does not need therapy. I cant help those who wont help themselves but I need things to change and he will agree with me but his actions are completely different. I am at a loss.
If by chance you look at this thread anymore I would love to hear an update on your situation. or if anyone else has overcome this problem themselves and knows how i can better help him thanks