Hello everybody, I'm new here. I'm 37 years old, married for almost 7 years with a newly diagnosed (only a couple of months) adhd husband, mother of a beautiful 6 year old girl and currently pregnant of a second child.
My husband has never been very focused on his feelings and our relationship, not even before we got married. I loved him deeply anyway. Even though he was not so open feeling wise, I just thought it was part of his particular personality, that for some aspects, I adored. I loved his positivity, I loved the fact he was not scared of anything, I loved his mental energy (cause physically I have always considered him quite lazy), I loved the fact he was able to get what he wanted because he has always been so proud of his strong will. I estimated him so much cause I thought he was very clever, since he's always been successful with his job.
Things changed after marriage, when we started to live together. He's a businessman, so I wasn't expecting him to be always at home with me and our daughter...but I wasn't even expecting him to be completely absent. I have raised our daughter completely by myself risking to get burned out, he has never helped with her or played with her when she was in her first 3 years, he has never helped at home with the smallest domestic tasks. At home, he's just used to spend his time sitting in front of the computer working or showing up just when it's time to eat, otherwise he's lying on the bed looking at his phone all the time or sleeping. Between me and him there's no relationship. He doesn't talk to me, he doesn't feel like spending time with me, we're like flatmates. He just looks for me when he needs to satisfy his sexual needs (but in this sphere too he's always been very distant, he doesn't participate actively with passional involvement or enthusiasm). His only priority is his job and at least with that, I can't complain. He works a lot, I don't work and we could always live a very good life. He loves our daughter cause I can see he's very fond of her and he wants always the best for her. He has also begged me for another child, I was very doubtful considering all these problems, but I started to think I was actually over demanding. Relatives and friends started to see me like a complaining, screaming monster since he used to describing me like that.
Furthermore he has also another problem. If he goes out with his friends, he always acts like the teenage leader of the group, he exaggerates drinking until he gets completely wasted because he can't control himself. This behaviour has always brought a lot of instability in our couple. I just can't accept this thing. He's not an alcoholic cause he doesn't have the need to drink everyday. This happens just when he goes out with his friends (and in 7 years these situations have occurred like 10 times, no more, so it's not so often). Then he comes to me to apologise, saying it won't happen again, but it happens again and again. He knows he creates sorrow, but he says he just can't stop himself but he loves us so much. He doesn't have any control in eating either. He drinks like 8 coffees per day and he uses huge amounts of nicotine.
Two months ago he started to think he could have adhd (I didn't know anything about this disturb on adults, so I thought it was another of his excuses), so he went to a psychiatrist who said he actually has adhd. He started to take Strattera like a month ago and he's still with a low dose. During this month he started with this med, the situation got even worse. He got drunk again and he tried cocaine for the first time in his life (something he has always been against). He said he understood he overcame a limit and wants to change his life cause it can't go on like this. He went away to his parents for two weeks with the intention of finding some mental balance, he got rid of the nicotine. He was supposed to come back home today, but yesterday he met up with some friend and got completely wasted again. This morning he was apologising on the phone, swearing the most important thing for him is me and the daughters. He's acting like crazy, I don't understand anything anymore. He said he feels more impulsive than ever with the alcohol thing since he's taking this med, but he feels its positive effects relating to focus, sleep and energy. The psychiatrist thinks that if he can keep away from alcohol now, when he will reach the right dose of med in like 5 or 6 months, his impulsivity will be taken down to a normal person level and consequently this problem will be solved cause he'll be able to moderate himself with alcohol in the future. He also said Strattera, even if it's still a small dose, has probably raised his tolerance, that's why he exaggerated even more lately. He told me to give it a chance because there will be for sure positive results. It's a very complicated moment for me cause I'm 5 months pregnant with a child to think about and I would need support, while I have to give support to him and he's creating more problems than ever exactly now.
I'm writing here with the hope to find some suggestions...maybe someone has experienced something similar? Thank you all.
Addictions
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Your husband is an addict, which combined with ADHD can be disastrous and maddening.
When you said: " He's not an alcoholic cause he doesn't have the need to drink everyday." , it reminded me of what my Mom said about my Grandfather ...She said that her Dad didn't drink everyday, but when he did drink, it was a compulsion. He couldn't have just one or two...a switch went off in his head, and he would not stop until he was wasted. He ended up in jail a number of times and my Grandmother had to get a ride to the jail to pick him up, as she did not drive. ( My grandfather was still an alcoholic, there are many kinds. He was what they called a functioning alcoholic.)
Cocaine is another thing entirely. My Fiance is a recovered cocaine addict. He almost died from his addiction. I am aware of this, and have told him that I will not be second to any substance. The minute a drug becomes his first choice over me, I'm done. Fortunately we are both in our early 50's, and have no children together. He has not used cocaine since long before we met, and we do drink wine on occasion. He smokes/vapes pot for pain, mostly, but I think it is a stress reliever. I've made my thoughts known to him regarding this also. Even though pot may not be physically addictive, he is an addict, and could be come addicted/dependent on it.
Do you have a counselor ?
Thanks for your answer.
Submitted by Cinzia_19 on
Thanks for your answer.
It's true what you say in the way he's a psychological addict, even though not a physical addict yet.
We don't have a counselor yet. Now there is just this psychiatrist who follows him, but I'm sure he needs and I need some other kind of support as well to make this situation improve and work in a positive way.
He's missing something.....
Submitted by c ur self on
So many of us, (me for sure) during our life time....Search!...We search for life...We look for it everywhere...(I sure did)....sex, children, jobs, $, possessions, hobbies, friends, good times, alcohol, drugs, religion....We spend our life searching for something to completely satisfy this lust that drives us.....
I pray your husband finds the gift of true peace and satisfaction that he seeks...
c
May I ask you if, at the end,
Submitted by Cinzia_19 on
May I ask you if, at the end, you have found the gift of true peace and if yes, in what? Thank you.
Yes you may....
Submitted by c ur self on
A personal relationship with the Christ:)....I always thought life was about me....I always thought I owned my life, and it was my right to pursue the fulfillment of it....But all my pursuits only produced temporary happiness and satisfaction....(still does when I get my eyes off of the savior)...It took me a lot of years to realize I'm not my own, that I was bought w/ the greatest of all prices....Now I know, where eternal and abundant life comes from....
c
Hi Cinzia
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I am sorry for what you have been experiencing - especially while pregnant. I think you have gotten some great replies here. I would just add that you can't change someone who isn't ready/willing/able to change. He says he wants to change with his words, but his actions tell a different story. It is really important to listen to a person's actions. I am and have been where you are with being flabbergasted that my mate wouldn't make more effort to change even though his choices and behaviours were ruining his marriage, hurting people he loves and destroying his relationship with his child. I didn't and still don't know why that's not compelling enough. But it's not. As you'll find if you read back in these forums, many ADHD partners (and maybe many people in general) don't change until they've hit rock bottom. E.G.: Not until the spouse has changed the locks or divorce papers have been served. Not until the partner has cut them off completely financially to force them to get a job. Not until they overdose and end up in the ER. It's just the way these things seem to go so often. It is hard to draw a line like that, but you do have the option of telling him not to come home until he has been sober for 6 months, his medications are working and his actions as a father and partner have proven responsible over a long stretch of time. (As a side benefit, if he stayed with his parents, they may quickly see you are not a complaining, screaming monster and that he is the problem!)
That leads me to the one other thing I wanted to say. Trust yourself. You are not being overly demanding or a monster because you expect/want a real 50/50 partnership. The truth is he may not be able to give that to you (my husband isn't able), but YOU know your own reality and the friends and family he complains to do not. I know what it's like to be the person people see as the problem. I have had to let that go and let them think that if they wish. *I* know my situation. Stay strong - you know you're right, have been a good and far too patient wife, and good mom, too.
I wish you only the very best. Perhaps you could consider counselling just for yourself. The bottom line is that especially with another child on the way, you may have to get tough if you want him to change.
Thank you very much for your
Submitted by Cinzia_19 on
Thank you very much for your comment, Melody. I will keep in mind your precious suggestions. The fact that you said you have been through a similar situation and you're still with your husband gives me some hope anyway.
Oh gosh
Submitted by Sollertiae on
If the psychiatrist is predicating the efficacy of the strattera on him quitting drinking, then it seems clear that is doomed to disappointment. On top of that, I would be worried that the strattera is increasing impulsivity as this is not one of its listed side effects, unless these are actually mood swings. It is meant to be solving impulse issues, but if he is now impulsive enough and seeking endorphins to be trying cocaine, then I would suggest that this is very much the wrong medication for him. And noble though his gesture was, the last thing he needs to is be in withdrawal from nicotine at the same time as taking the stratterra and undergoing an increase in substance abuse. In which case quitting nicotine at this point is probably the worst choice he could make. In the long term, sure, but adding more stress to his system and changing his brain chemistry is going to make him more erratic, impulsive, and looking for anything to numb the cravings. As... happened.
Do you know if the psychiatrist knows he has tried cocaine on the strattera? Because that might make a big difference in his treatment plan and if it doesn't, then maybe a new psychiatrist is needed. As Adele noted, cocaine and ADHD is essentially a bomb waiting to go off. If someone was asked to design an illicit drug to hook people with ADHD, they could not have done better than cocaine. Cocaine has a very similar effect to ADHD meds but with 100% more euphoria, absolutely no quality control, and is 1000% more addictive from the totality of the endorphin rush and the sense of 'finally I can function and am happy'. With no impulse control he is at definite risk, and taken with things like strattera and alcohol use it can lead to overdose very easily.
Declaring here that my partner, much like Adele's also has had a long history with cocaine addiction and alcohol - both of which were driven by desperately seeking stimulation, escape, depression, anxiety (probably from work), and a inability to function. All of which sounds remarkably like your husband is failing to get and do (the always on his phone, coffee intake, ignoring you and family, focusing on work - that is not good functioning at all). It has been a long, slow, uphill battle on this front for my partner because he can't afford the appointments to get medication, so he has to learn to function without self medication. I am enormously proud of his progress, but... yeh. Two steps back is the order of the day.
I am so sorry, this is the last thing you need and especially so when pregnant. Please make sure you get outside support from your own networks, as well as some sort of counselling, because the last thing you need is more stress and lack of support in your life. As others have said, don't let him or anyone else tell you what your tolerances are - you know them and they should not be gaslighting you into thinking otherwise. Stay safe.
It ended up to be a crazy and unbelievable situation
Submitted by Cinzia_19 on
Six months have passed from the post I wrote, but I would have never thought it could end like this. The situation I'm living is just crazy and unbearable.
After that critical moment we had in November, he came back home and I offered to hell him out with his ADHD problem. He didn't really care about my help, so after two days of trying to follow a new family routine I created, he just started to behave exactly as he used to do before, without any rules. He anyway was followed by his psychiatrist and promised me he would have tried everything in his power to be more present and supportive. I believed him once again and, since I was pregnant of our second child, I just wanted to think positive and focus on the baby that was soon coming.
Our baby girl came in the end of February. I had a c section and, during the days I was at the hospital, he helped so much. I was so proud of him. This baby has also been right from the start very calm, a very good sleeper and eater, very different from our first daughter that was a very difficult baby. So, the first two weeks after the birth I felt in such a good connection with my husband, it was like if this baby united us, we were so happy and in balance.
Everything changed when the isolation period because of the covid 19 started. We live in Spain and the situation here was pretty bad. He started to think only about the covid problem and economic crisis would have followed in the world. He stored food for like one year and bought an ax and a knife he kept in our bedroom to defend us because he thought someone would have broken into our house to steal our food. He started to be completely involved in the conspiracy theories. He spent all his time searching on internet and didn't consider me and the baby anymore. He was actually keeping me up at night, after I had fed the baby and was going back to sleep very tired, to talk about all his crazy ideas. This situation went on like this for like one month. I was exhausted and just wanted to enjoy my baby and recover from the birth. We were fighting all the time because he thought everything was fake and that I couldn't see the reality. He said I was living in an illusion and he also stopped taking the basic precautions like washing or cleaning his hands with alcohol gel. Luckily I had my mother living with us helping us. He left home because he didn't want us to go out with the mask since he would have felt so ashamed of us. So, he left while we were still in lockdown. I told him that, if he decided to be out, he was not allowed to come in anymore cause I wanted to be in quarantine. I didn't see him for one week but then he said he had the right to see his children. I said he didn't have any right, in this particular situation, since he could have been infected and represent a risk for us all. I could keep him out for one more week, than he started to threaten me with lawyers and judges, so I told him to test himself and, if negative, I could have allowed him to see the kids. He tested himself, he was negative, so he started to come and visit the kids. Everyday he was requesting something more and just creating more and more problems. He was aggressive and provocative all the time and had very antisocial behaviour with no respect for us. He brought out our younger daughter to swim when it was not even allowed and refused to clean her hands when he brought her to eat an ice cream. He said I represented a danger for our kids because I was taking away their happiness. I had already been writing to his psychiatrist to tell him something was wrong with him, that he had become like paranoid, but I didn't receive any answer.
One day my husband came home telling me we had to move from Spain because it's not safe to live here, cause in the next fall there will be wars and a vaccine that will kill all the children will be mandatory. He told me that if I don't accept to move, I will have to leave him the kids. I'm not even allowed to vaccine my baby with normal vaccines because of Bill Gates, the antichrist and so on.
We had fights and fights and fights, he said I was becoming paranoid and that I needed help. So, he asked his psychiatrist to talk to me to analyse me. The psychiatrist, then, was authorised to talk to me and answered to my mail saying he noticed my husband was loosing the sense of reality and that he was probably abusing of Elvanse (the amphetamine meds for adhd) since he was asking for more prescriptions all the time. My husband admitted later that he was taking like 150 mg per day instead of 30, but that was actually very good for him to be able to work like 13 hours per day.
Now it's been like 2 weeks that he's calmer, but he goes on saying unbelievable things. He stopped with all the meds (strattera, cypralex), still taking 30 g of Elvanse from what he says. He has started to see a medium, he says she's her soul guide. Sometimes he has like 5 hours session in one day with her. He says she has removed a chip that was in his brain and that now he has telepatic skills to give positive energy to the other people through his mind. I'm very worried. In all this mess, I have also to think about an international move because he's forcing me to go away from here for the next year and then, he says, I'll be free of living my own life with our children. I don't think it will never happen. I don't know what to do. His family is just pretending like nothing is happening, I don't have any help from anybody.
So sorry
Submitted by Stressed to the Max on
I am so sorry to hear this turn of events. It sounds maddening to be on the other side of all that, such stress.