Hello all first post I have battled dysthymia and depression for most my life. I'm 40. Almost 4 years ago the wife and went to marriage counciling. We were 6 years into it. We havery two great kids. But I hated work and symptoms of ADHD were becoming apparent. Forgetfulness not following though etc.
We agreed to see a marriage councilor. It was helpful but I was the one with the problems. Ultimately I had a full psych eval done. Depression anxiety and ADHD. Plus I am smart. ( always a silver lining)
I have been on meds for 2 years adderal vyvanse and citlopram. I just got on lorazopram for anxiety
I used to yell at my kids and turned it around. I had a demanding job as a manager did well got thrown under the bus since I didn't drink the cool aid and have been looking since April.
I am networking applying to jobs and following up. But the wife doesn't think I am doing enough. my contention is I need a job that is a good fit and put an end to the 18- 24 month job runs I can do well but mastering in a matter of months.
She has lost faith in me, doesn't trust me, doesn't think I am looking hard enough. She is working full time, so I run the house, shepard three kids (7,4,16months) to school and daycare. In efforts to save money ( buying impulsivity was a big problem) I am now working on my own car repairing things best I can
Communication for her is focused on the kids. I feel like an after thought. For most ADHD types " how was your day?" Topic lasts 90seconds. She is an introvert but can talk to friends all night. I am quite the talker of many subjects. But when I try to talk about her feelings and dreams its either short, vauge or edges toward a fight.
I am the one scheduling appointments and suggested the seminar. She is busy and barely has time to discuss short articles about ADHD. Howncoiuld wemplow though the seminar?
Yes a bit of a vent session but honest view points are welcome.
Chewie
Another viewpoint
Submitted by boilergirl on
It is always interesting for me when the ADHD spouse posts. It gives me a little insight into what my ADHD husband may be going through (but can't seem to verbalize without anger). I am the non-ADHD wife and my husband is in a similar situation. (Has lost several jobs after about 18 months, is currently working for himself, has not contributed much at all to the finances in the last year, I just started back to work full-time) We have been married 14 years and have two kids. I don't know your whole situation and what your wife is thinking, but I guess I can give you some insight from my side of a similar situation.
I am glad you are on meds and recognize your issues. DH was diagnosed several years ago, but has one back and forth with being medicated and not. He currently is not, but has made an effort to try therapy. As frustrating as it is for you to have the mental health issues, it is also frustrating for us to deal with them. I feel like I am trying to stay one step ahead to avoid any anger outbursts, yet when things are going smoothly I am always waiting for the other shoe to fall because I know it will (it always does.) It is an emotional roller coaster. Last year, we had lots of money stresses as I was working 3 part-time jobs and taking classes to renew my teaching license. DH was doing the work or billing his clients, yet has made no real effort to find any kind of part-time or hourly job to help supplement our income. Thanks to God I found a full-time teaching job. And while teachers don't make great money, I am at least bringing in a regular salary and am not sweating the bank account so much. I guess for me, I have lost faith in him and his willingness to take care of his family. He does get them on and off the bus, so we don't have before or after school care to worry about. But, I would rather him have some kind of job and pay for that in order to pay off some of the credit cards debts we have incurred last year (thanks a lot to his impulsive buying).
My DH and I also don't have great conversations. It is mainly about the kids, schedule, etc. However, I can talk up a storm with friends. I guess for me it seems that even a simple thing like commenting on a news story can send DH off on a tirade, so I just stopped talking to him about things. He doesn't try to initiate conversations about feelings, hopes and dreams, etc., though.
We are going to try marriage counseling. I know there are things I need to do, but in all honesty, a lot of our problems stem from DH's untreated ADHD. I would rather DH get started on his end first, then go to counseling. If he suggested the seminar, I would be thrilled and try to find a way. But maybe your wife is just frustrated too and feels that it wouldn't help. She may be thinking like me, that until you take care of things on your end, a marriage seminar wouldn't help. Again, I don't know what she is thinking, but am just sharing where I am at.
I hope she becomes willing to try counseling or therapy again. It is always nice to hear the perspective of the ADHD spuse.
Chewie, keep going
Submitted by sunlight on
Chewie,
I am non-ADHD female married to ADHD. From what you've written it seems that you are doing pretty well in dealing with ADHD. Perhaps your wife is still silently dealing with your diagnosis, and perhaps also she is noticing the children growing quickly while she is working, and feels that she is missing out on being with them. That's only a guess of course. I think you should steadily go on as you are and recognise that you need to do the best you can for yourself and your children regardless of whether she appears to notice or not. Running the house and dealing with 3 children while she is working, with job-hunting added on, is a lot for any person to do, ADHD or not. It might show your wife how much you are thinking of her by all working together (you and the kids) to make or prepare little surprises (pictures, cards, even baking a cake if the kids are up to that sometime, etc) that the kids can be excited about showing to her when she gets home. It might just make her miss them more but on the other hand she might notice how hard you are working with the kids and thinking of her happiness at the same time. Best of luck.
As an ADD person myself - I
Submitted by tounces7 on
As an ADD person myself - I'll suggest a possible Job idea for you -
A Drain Cleaner/Service plumber.
It's good because you're never doing exactly the same thing twice, you can use your intelligence to figure out problems, some companies will hire without experience(ARS/Rescue rooter is one), and you can make a lot of money down the line. After a year or so, 50k isn't unusual, and once you're licensed, 80k+.
Not only that - but if you get money saved up, you can start your own business with it pretty easily.
I agree that you need to find a JOB....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I know this sounds sexist, but you need to be bringing in a paycheck. Few women can have deep respect for a husband that isn't working ...unless there is a SERIOUS reason. ADHD isn't a reason.
There are many jobs out there. Are you personable? Can you do sales?
It's hard to break through to them
Submitted by ladyflower10 on
I am an ADHD wife. It is very hard for anyone not suffering from ADHD to understand what it is that we go through on a day to day basis. My husband admits that he knows I don't think the same way as him, but he doesn't really understand. I have tried to explain things to him occasionally but it doesn't make much of a difference. I have also found some really good articles that explained things so much better than I ever could. All I got from him was "I don't have time to read that!" And when I finally did get him to read a paragraph or two, he tells me "I already knew that." Even though his attitude and comments suggest otherwise.
If your wife doesn't think you are doing enough, have you tried suggesting to her that she find some job listings for you? If she finds you 5 job listings that you fit the qualifications for, apply to them. Nothing says you have to accept a job if it doesn't fit (hours, pay, etc.) Or is she like my husband that refuses to help because he "shouldn't have to"?
Good luck on the job search. I hope everything works out soon!
ADHD and Work
Submitted by kellyj on
Hi Chewie,
I'm ADHD and have really started noticing many or the things I read (here) and other sources about (us) from an inside perspective and there is no denying that I see the patterns and behaviors in myself to some degree. It is my version of it so it may look differently than another persons but the key issues are there none the less. Reading the responses and topics in this forum from the non spouses keep pointing to the same issues for the same reasons even though there are always some other personal problems or issues that aren't coming from ADHD thrown in there at the same time which I have come to learn in reality and in the real practical world that it's never just about ONE thing.....ever.
I wanted to throw in the thing about work and finding a job that fits. I think this really is important. Hating your job can make you hate your life and everyone in it after a while. Having ADHD myself, I can really see how prone I am to fluctuate up and down in my ability to focus and work hard in connection to being interested (or stimulated ) by work whether I enjoy it or not. I already know that this is one of those areas that is hard if not impossible to explain to a person that doesn't have ADHD and the usual response is something like " well everyone has to work and most people hate their jobs." I totally agree with that but.......that's not what I am talking about. It's something completely different and has nothing to do with liking or disliking work. Or even hating it.
For lack of a better word (or knowing officially what to call it in relationship to ADHD) it's momentum or inertia and getting the movement going in the first place. I suspect in myself that this ability (or inability ) is closely tied to our trouble getting organized, beginning things or doing things in prescribed ways......simply getting started in the first place!
I see that in myself all the time and it really can be a problem.
This is where I cannot give specific advise to you because I know for myself what I need to do to get myself rolling and keep myself there ( the inertia ) to stay in the "sweet spot" in anything I do.
The one post suggesting that your wife help find you a job would be disastrous for me. No one but me knows what I need to be able to perform at peak levels consistency and keep the momentum needed to be a good employee or a productive worker. I would strongly disagree here (for myself) and if this has a familiar feel to it for you I would not go down that road personally.
Being interested or liking the kind or work you do is essential to this even if you generally hate work or the people/environment as what many people who say "I hate my job" are talking about I believe. They are two separate things.
Finding what you are good at is my first step in the process. We who have ADHD are used to failure. Finding things that I know I am already are good at and succeed in doing is critical for me. It's all about success. We need to succeed regularly ( on a daily basis ) in little ways or else we lose momentum and with it....the desire to continue to try.
I just quit my job ( the same one for 23 years ) voluntarily because of issues that have been there for years now finally coming to a head (and the business failing ) due to the economy and changes that have taken place in my industry which are my main concern for the future. That being said.....my ADHD symptoms were also being used against me as reasons for my employers money problems and after 20 years doing the same job for him were suddenly and issue when they were not before when money was good for him. That was the secondary reason for me leaving but I have long since learned not to make that about whether I like my job or not and it was clear to me he was looking for someone or something to blame ( instead of himself ) for his money problems.
Taking this kind of stuff personally only kills the momentum but in my case, (my boss ) crossed the line so to speak, by coming to my home and harassing my wife on my day off while I was out because he was in a panic about some superfluous job order and couldn't get my on the phone. His desperation was getting passed on to me in more ways than just this and I decided that this was the canary in the coal mine and it would be better for me to choose the time and place I change jobs instead of that decision being made for me down the road ( sooner than later I suspected ). I felt on a psychological level this was very important for me to choose leaving rather than being laid off or fired ( or coming to work with the doors locked with a chain ) But because I understand this I also can empathize with your situation which is a different scenario.
So I am now officially unemployed but I have immediately started working from my house doing things for money on the side doing thing I am good at and know I can make money at ( as I have done in my past before taking my last job) and keep the ball rolling. It's that momentum thing again. I know myself well enough that if I don't stay focused and have some successes along the way ( even little ones )....I can lose the inertia and motivation to get up and start the day with a plan and a direction.
And I am going to make an attempt to work from my home for a while (as I did in my past successfully) but this time doing it differently or better by not making some critical mistakes I learned from my past. The biggest one and I have heard this countless times from other people who work from home is having a completely separate office, shop or even just a room in an apartment or part of the house that you work in that is separate from where you and other's live....one you can close and lock the door and walk away from and all work related things are out of sight and completely separate from you and others otherwise you feel like you are always at work 24 hours a day. Not good!!
I think it is so important that you find your sweet spot and do something that interests you. If you don't do this at the very least you will fall back into the same thing you had before and end up hating your job. Only you know the criteria list of things that are acceptable or unacceptable and no one else should do this for you however.....
You do need to do it! Start with what you know and work from there. Create success by choosing what you already know you are successful at.
J
Resurrecting my old thread.
Submitted by Chewie on
Resurrecting my old thread. I appreciate the comments. Its kinda funny, some of the comments sound like what I am doing but I would be the non ADHD spouse; such as asking my SO to read short articles on Additude Mag... Which she says she does but I have my doubts if she does. She won't even listen to podcasts like Melissa's webinar on Married to ADD, not her seminar. I also suggested it to the SO. Seems I am on the hook to do it. I haven't due the cost of it. I also am fearful she won't do it.
Lately we move together and apart, like the tide. More apart. She seems a bit oblivious to my feelings... I cloak it in my depression and anxiety, but I think she is on to me and falling out of love.
I am still seeking work after 8 months. Understandably that upsets her. She wants to do part time and stay home with the kids. I'd love to have a good job, (read: one I am good at in a respectful environment). She tried to compare me to a friend who could find work in 6-8 weeks. I am not an IT guy like my friend is. The defense industry is taking a beating. So I am seeking employment in other industries. Back in aviation where my passion is, manufacturing, supply chain, and new areas like medical devices and telecomm. I have hit up numerous VPs and directors for informational interviews. Had a few and a few real interviews too. No dice up to this point. There are supposedly 3-5 job possibilities after the holidays.
As I still look for work, anxiety and stress goes up, especially with the holidays and the dead job seeking between Thanksgiving and New Years. Plus our 18 month old is staying home from daycare as well.
What's odd is that she still says she doesn't know what to do, as in helping me. We have had talks about what I think I need. Sometimes I don't even know. But I am tired of the pain, stress and its related physical manifestations (head aches all the time, chest pain and feeling week. Sleep deprivation doesn't help either.
My psychologist suggested I am alone in my battle with ADD. I feel it too. My SO says she feels alone too. She says she doesn't see improvements in me either. It was so bad I wanted out of my marriage a few weeks ago. But I can't stand to leave my kids or have someone else raise them or have a hand in it. Hows that for an ADD person..... wanting to end a marriage where the non ADD SO isn't supportive in genuine efforts to improve all around?
I take my meds religiously. My wife said I am not properly medicated. She emailed my Doc and he disagreed. She dropped it after one or two emails. She puts the kids first. I notice a change in her, but its not a lot. Intimacy is damn near non existent. My stress levels are just about wiping out my desire for it too.
I am sure this will sound familiar to many. I feel like I am beating my head against a wall in many ways. In the last week I have come to the conclusion I am starting not to care about my marriage. I avoid talking to her. I explained I spend time on my iPhone for mental stimulation since I can't go out and be social. Even Starbucks is just about off limits. So I am expected to job hunt with two boys squealing in the house in the next room, being questioned if I am doing enough to find a job and not getting out to be social. I do ride my bike for exercise but haven't done it as much as I would like.
I also recently ended a relationship with a Christian organization that helps men with problems. I tried it at the suggestion of my ADD Coach. Did a weekend camp with them and went to meetings. I didn't want to relive my childhood issues while I battle my full plate. That's why I left them.
The wife is talking a good game, she cares for me, she loves me, but hearing "Be careful with money" every other day gets old. I have sacrificed most of my hobbies, don't leave the house much, feel isolated and am now paranoid about spending money but i do cave in once in a while and get a coffee @ Starbucks. When we talk its is usually 50/ 50 meaningful/ borderline fight. In the end but there is little follow through as is par for the course. I continue to try, clean up after myself, job hunt run the house etc....
The SO & I don't seem to have much in common anymore, our parenting styles are different. She critiques mine in front of the kids sometimes and I quietly point out some of her short comings when the kids aren't around.
Based on what I have read on this site, I seem to be atypical ADD. Or am I wrong in how I am handling this?
On to you?
Submitted by Standing on
Hi, Chewy,
What did you mean by this?
"She seems a bit oblivious to my feelings...
I cloak it in my depression and anxiety, but I think she is on to me and falling out of love."
Only my opinion, but I don't think there's such a thing as falling out of love... or falling into it, for that matter. There's a chemical surge at the dawn of a new relationship, and that wanes with time, but what you are experiencing with your wife sounds to me like walls she has built for her own protection. For me, I was maxed out on the input I could receive from my husband and his symptoms, feeling like there was not another single thing I could do to help move the relationship into a better place. My way of tackling challenges is to formulate a plan of steps. I'd be on step 3 of 8, working toward what was supposed to be our mutual goal, and he'd already have moved on toward a totally different goal. I could not handle the constantly being left behind. I was too slow for him. Too dull. That's how it felt. He had no interest in the process, only wanted immediate results.
If you are currently in "Now", where all that is in your field of vision is the moment
and your wife, being fully cognizant of the past however many years you have been married, and having integrated that entire picture into her story of your life together... stitching this current thread into the whole fabric of that cloth
then maybe you are rushing her to be only where you are?
Sounds to me like she has made the decision to love you. And that's a whole lot better, more solid, than falling into anything.
Submitted by Chewie on
Morning,
She is at a loss on how to handle me when I feel the way I do, depressed lack of hope, angry with her about things.
She asked me Friday morning if I still loved her. I couldn't say yes, but said I felt awful and "hid" in my depression. You are right. We had a talk last night. We covered how i felt and what a strong marriage ought to look like. We have most of the pieces. I feel a bit rejuvenated. Lets see what happens.
Sounds very positive to me, Chewie
Submitted by Standing on
I was just reading back over your initial post, in which you wrote "but I was the one with the problems".
My husband's eval revealed narcissistic personality disorder, not depression, so his statement is: "It's not my fault... you need to work on your issues."
Of course we all know that it takes two... but I think the fact that you recognize the contribution of add/adhd to the relationship challenge is absolutely HUGE !
And the fact that you reached out in this forum to share your story shows just how courageous you are.
I hope that you are able to work through that depression into a new perspective. I know you wrote that you left the mens' group because you had enough on your plate without digging into old issues, but when you think about it... that's where it all began, right? At least for me, seems like I have repeatedly tried to get do-overs on old stuff that would be better off dug up and rooted out. Just a thought.
I wish you and your family the very best!!
"We had a talk last night.
Submitted by NotAnIdiot on
"We had a talk last night. We covered how i felt and what a strong marriage ought to look like. We have most of the pieces. I feel a bit rejuvenated."
If this is true then consider yourself lucky. I am the ADHD husband, and convinced that my wife has bought into every ADHD myth there is, in spite of the reading she has done (i.e., it's not a real thing, he's just making excuses, he would be different if he really cared, he's just an asshole, etc. etc.). As long as that is the case, there is no way we can just "have a talk." Until she understands exactly what ADHD is, every "discussion" will always consist of angry recitation of all of my recent f-ups and failures, her demanding to know why, and berating me for either being too stupid to know the answer or obviously covering it up with deception. So I am at the point where I can't stand a thing she says. Sometimes I just want to shout at her "LISTEN UP I HAVE A SERIOUS PSYCHIATRIC DISORDER SO S.T.F.U. UNTIL YOU HAVE SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE TO SAY."
Glad I got that off my chest. Don't feel so bad, Chewie - it could be worse. Or get worse. Hope you are a tough guy.
take care of yourself
Submitted by NatureGirl on
Chewie, I want to comment on your thought about being atypical ADD. I think ADD is so complex due to gender, personalities, strengths, DNA, health issues, etc. I think you are being you and excelling in those areas in which you excel. The ADD adds a layer of complexity. Please continue to take care of yourself, which it sounds like you are doing. Not in a selfish, it's-all-about-me kind of way (I don't hear that), but in a put-the-oxygen-mask-on-yourself-first kind of way. You need to take care of you so you can be there for your family.
I am newly diagnosed (last 9 months) with ADHD, married, and with kids out of the house. Lost my job even though I'm a high performer. One of the things I have learned as I've tried to "tease out" what is the ADHD and what is a separate health issue or a personality trait or strength or whatever, is that I am who I am. The ADHD doesn't get to define me nor does anyone else. Only I get to define who I am.
On another note, our faith has been what has saved our marriage. I'm not perfect but neither is my husband. So if one Christian organization didn't work for you, I recommend trying another.
take care.
update.
Submitted by Chewie on
Well, after a different psychiatrist, meds and working through my issues I am doing better. I am up to work, something I wasn't up for last summer.
The wife and I are doing a lot better. We haven't fought in a while... My parents and a buddy say I am doing a lot better with focus etc.... My current challenge is to find a job.