I'm tired. My husband joked a few years back that he might have ADHD. Reading these posts, Has me thinking it might be true. He always has to be the 'victim'. Me asking him to do something, oh let's say, like watch how much he drinks so he won't fall, just turns into an argument. He's full of excuses! He always turns the argument around to make me the focus. He adds multiple topics and we never get anything resolved. He's said multiple times to me 'I thought I told you'. His latest...he said I said to him on Satuday, 2 different times that 'I don't give a F about him'. I asked him if he really believed that, then why would he stay with me??? I asked him why am I still here, if that's how I really feel??? After the argument, I left him and home and went to the club. He showed up at the club. We talked outside. He asked me if I was done with him. I told him no, that I'm done with arguing with him and that I still love him. So, how could he hear what he heard??? lol! I explained if I really said that, I wouldn't have gone home that night and I still wouldn't be here. I told him that it hurts my feelings that he thinks so little of me. That people who don't know me as well, think more highly of me than him. We've been married for 7 years and they have all been like this. I used to yell at him, then I realized I needed to keep calm. Now I comprehend a lot of things about him that I couldn't grasp before. I only yell at him when he keeps bringing up the same thing or multiple subjects or keeps talking to me when I've asked him nicely to stop talking to me. I keep saying we need counseling, but reading these posts have me thinking that those sessions will be a waste of time, if he thinks it's not him. Options???
ADHD? I've never had someone think so little of me, yet says he loves me sooo much
Submitted by Tdendeh on 09/14/2015.
I had to start recording our conversations....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Years ago, I began recording our conversations because I was so often wrongly accused. I also send a lot by text or email, just so I have a record.
H has had his "nose rubbed in it" so many times, that he makes these claims far fewer times. Every time he claimed something, I could show him an email or text or recording proving him wrong. That has somewhat taught him that he "hears" things that aren't being said....because of his insecurities, etc.
Keeping record
Submitted by Tdendeh on
I thought of recording before. He even said he wanted to record..to prove me wrong! We send emails and FB messages now and I see how convoluted they are.
Good...he wants the records..
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Be very careful not to use pronouns....use the words so he can't twist them into claiming you meant something else.
Pronouns?
Submitted by Tdendeh on
So what do I use?
His Name
Submitted by kellyj on
or "the accused". ( technically, the defendant ) Sorry.....humor. lol Seriously...use names.
Lol
Submitted by Tdendeh on
Gotcha! Thank you.
what I mean is...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
It's ok to say "you" occasionally, but when talking, but try not to be ambiguous....include his name to be clear.. When mentioning others, be sure to use their names frequently, and rarely "he" or "she"....so it's clear who you're and what you're talking about.
On the other hand, my H often says, he or she....even when he's changed subjects and has changed who he is talking about! So....we can be talking about one friend (say Bob), and H will be saying "he"....but then his mind wanders to something about "Jim" and he'll say "he" or "him" without ever saying that he's now talking about another person!
Counceling Will Help.....
Submitted by kellyj on
him see what he is not seeing and help him stop being a victim. If it wasn't for going to see a therapist myself......I'm not sure if I would be able to say that now. From reading your post.....I can see his insecurity showing and that has a lot to do with not being able to figure out what is wrong or how to stop it (or correct it). That's the bottom line and that's what a good councilor can do for him. The only caveat here is that it won't happen over night. It takes time. You should not expect this to happen in a few weeks or even a few months but if he continues to get someone to help him see where the problems are and why....it will happen if he does the work required to figure this out.
Also.....not everyone here on this forum is dealing with just ADHD. Some have tried everything and they are with a person who is just not going to get it no matter how hard other people try to tell them. There are those too but I wouldn't assume that your H is one of those until you try.....but you won't know until you do. I wouldn't use the failures of the spouses you read as a prediction for you even if what you are experiencing now sounds the same.
For me just simply understanding what was wrong with me and why I was having so much trouble in certain things was enough to stop me feeling so insecure right off the bat. Not knowing was much worse than finding out there are things you can do to manage the parts that are causing the problems. One that happens and both or you actually see some success in doing things better.....the insecurity that you are having to deal along with his anxiety will eventually disappear. At least that is the way it worked with me and I was relieved to just know in the first place.
So if your H is like me and you didn't give him that chance even if he resists to begin with.....you could be shooting yourself in the foot by simply not believing anything will ever change.
J
Counseling
Submitted by Tdendeh on
You are absolutely correct! I've stayed because I don't feel it's hopeless. I keep telling us we need counseling and do nothing to start the process. We tried a couple of sessions with a German counselor (we're in Germany) and he didn't understand English enough to control the sessions, so I was made to look like a fool.
My husband always says he doesn't understand, then he says something totally not related and we're off on another conversation. He keeps insisting it's me. Lol. He has it in his head that when he tells me something bothers him, that I end up getting mad and making it his fault. But I see it's him not accepting his actions. He's definitely insecure. I've done/said some things from reacting to what he's said/done to me. All he remembers is what I did, not what he did to cause it. We used to be so happy in the beginning. Now, he just won't let anything go and can't even answer why he stays with me, if he thinks I'm such an awful person.
My first time here and I already feel like I've received a tremendous amount of help. I will seek counseling...Thank you!
Controling the Sessions....A Passing Thought
Submitted by kellyj on
I can see where the language barrier would be a problem.....that and the cultural barrier as well. I have a couple of German friends .....one who is pretty close. He's a real pain in the ass sometimes when he gets on a roll about something and difficult in that way when he gets it in his mind that something isn't right......very single minded. I get in context to my other German friend I know.....that his seems somewhat the same in how he see's things as well....a bit stubborn and pig headed(head strong) at times. I'm saying this will all due respect and in a loving way to my friends since they are both great guys in their own right. Maybe just a tad bit "uber alles" and self righteous in their thinking for their own good! lol And of course.....I have never been this way myself which is why we get along so well together because we are so much different in that way....( gag...lol )
Anyway.....it took me going to 3 different councilors first before finding the one that worked the best for me so the process itself in finding one that works can be just that....a process. Just so you know so that you don't make that the reason to believe it won't work.
In the mean time....what you said about "controlling the sessions" can apply to you in the moment as I think about this. Basically.....my T taught me to do the sme thing he did with me so I could go out and do this for myself which if you think about it.....that's what you go to one for in the first place. They're not necessarily there to make you feel better like a medical doctor even though my T has talked me down on a number of occasions and this did help me in the short term to ease my anxieties. I think a good one will do both as needed.
I think this is what you need to do too....a little of both at the same time.....get him to see what he is doing (the parts he doesn't see yet)....and ease his anxiety along with yours at the same time. Doing just one or the other doesn't work very well if both are required by the situation if you follow what I'm saying?
I think you can do this yourself in practice if you focus on "cause and effect" conversations with him instead of arguing over specifics or the illogical and the irrational. You already know where that gets you! LOL.....not very far! ha ha
This is one way to control the situation better on your end. It will helps lead him to the door to make his own conclusions if you bring him to the question without actually asking it by showing him just how illogical and irrational he is actually being when he is missing a major component of his thinking in logical terms compared to what he feels or what his emotions are telling him. You also won't be being adversarial as long as it's not just about making him look stupid.
In the essence of what you were saying about being "made to look like a fool"......just reverse that and this is what he is trying so hard to avoid in the first place......made to look stupid or like a fool with no explanation or reasoning behind it. I think this is something we do when you don't understotand where the problem exists and can't see it. Denial is in part.....just that.....not understanding and not seeing it.
Leaving him an out for some dignity and grace in this process will do the same thing you want too and are not getting from him. That's how it works unfortunately.......sometimes you have to give to get and this should be your approach with him........cause and effect and a little strategy will serve you well if you can do this with him. That's how you can control the situation and avoid the same thing from happening over and over.
This works with my wife by the way......she needs to have an out for her own self esteem even when she is wrong. It serves no one just to point that out and make it about forcing them to see this and be accountable in the moment with out some kind of release valve there for this reason )anxiety release that is).
On my end.....I use to threaten my wife with " you're day of reckoning is soon approaching.....be advised if you don't want to look really bad when that day comes!" lol (and then walk out of the room) It didn't work very well ( or at all lol) by itself but it did make me feel better in the moment. lol Not recommenced either but sometimes !! ha
J
Surprise
Submitted by Tdendeh on
I wouldn't have guessed you were the hubby! Lol! It's nice to hear a man's perspective. I understand everything you have said and agree to most. My hubby doesn't like to be wrong. Ever. I talk to him very nicely and let him come to his own conclusion, but if it's him being wrong, he won't say anything. Lol. I'm like 'hello?'. He holds on to EVERYTHING. He will bring up the bad things from his childhood, his ex wife and us. It's like he wants sympathy all the time. Funny, that's how he hooked me when we met. I felt so sorry for him being treated so bad! But now I understand why his ex did some of the things she did. Always 2 sides to a story! We 'make up', but in reality, nothing is resolved, except to not talk about it anymore. Counseling is definitely in the works. He has it in his head that counseling is bad. Arg! Man or woman? I always think male, so he won't think he's being ganged up on.
That's Just It...
Submitted by kellyj on
looking bad and holding onto it. This is a definite area that my wife struggles with as well. In my past.....it was the same with me. Back to being insecure and not processing through it well I'm afraid.
For my wife.....this is what works. Positive reinforcement!!! It may not always feel genuine (or least it didn't use to). But the response from her when I do this with her is like night and day going the other way. Our T has come right out and told her that she beats herself up too much. I tell her the same thing and second that when he brings it up.
Bottom line? It may not seem like you are doing anything for yourself by constantly praising the things that your H does do right but in the end.....by doing that and limiting the criticisms......when it does come time to give some constructive criticism he will probably be more apt to listen.
This sounds awful but in reality....it is just like dog training. Every time you give a reprimand or negative command you always follow it with a positive one at the same time. Dogs attention spans are even worse than mine so I do know how that is. If you can't connect the one to the other....then the results do not get through on a sub conscious level.
Just like dogs! lol We'd like to think we are so much smarter sometimes but any more.....I really wonder? lol
J
AhA!
Submitted by Tdendeh on
You know that makes sense...he always says I have something negative to say to him all the time. I compliment him when it's warranted. Didn't think I needed to compliment him for washing the dishes or other stuff I take as common sense.
What can I do about him not talking about stuff? Do I just do what he does? It's almost like he feels if we don't talk about it, it just goes away. He'll 'step up' his game and try to do everything he thinks I like...
That's a Tough One
Submitted by kellyj on
I just had a run in with my wife this morning again over a similar situation. I've found when she starts to get cornered or it gets close to having to admit to something (face what she doesn't want to face)...she end the conversation abruptly, walk out of the room, or project it right back into my face.....that is, try and blame something I did ( or am doing ) on me by redirecting and avoiding answering my questions. I guess that's it really. I've gotten so good at predicting what she will say next I start asking questions which keeps coming right back to the topic at hand. Think of it like cross examining a hostile witness who is doing their best not to answer the question? That's what it feels like at least. When my wife gets to close to the fire she will start spinning in circles and that's when it's time to stop. If I push her to much past that is when she starts lashing out and projecting all over the place. It's also when I start to get angry myself so that's just a no win situation. I found however....that each time it happens, and just keep pointing to the same thing.....eventually she will come to me and admit to it later. Not always but sometimes yes. It' just what she is able to allow herself to see at the time. One step at a time. Denial.....it's a tough road to plow!! lol
When she really runs out of road...she say's....let's talk about this with our T. ( more deferring or deflecting) That means she's done but I always say back to her " yes...why don't we....that should prove to be interesting." I know our T well enough to know this won't go anywhere. He doesn't take sides but he has a keen ability in talking indirectly about the exact thing that is the problem without saying it or accusing anyone. I've told him that he has an "incredible gift of understatement." He just smiles and says " I see what you mean and I would have to agree" (wink wink) lol
J
Projecting, Redirection
Submitted by Tdendeh on
Cross examination! For real. He used to refer to my questions as that. I'm also at the prediction point. What is that? Comfort? It just seems so fake. When he knows I'm mad it's always 'I love you'. Knowing haven't we haven't resolved anything. I'm direct. So, I've been working on softening my questions, but he still seems to find something wrong with something. Lol. An even bigger problem...we have different types of humor. Just recently, every time I was seriously talking, he laughs. What is that????! Or if he laughs at something I've said (that wasn't funny) I ask him to explain and he just repeats himself. I ask again and he says I've already explained it. So, then it's up to me to let it go. SMDH
Emotional Lability, Laughing, Deja Vou
Submitted by kellyj on
I just made a post about emotional lability and it describes the very thing that you just said.... Just recently, every time I was seriously talking, he laughs. What is that????! Or if he laughs at something I've said (that wasn't funny) I ask him to explain and he just repeats himself. I ask again and he says I've already explained it. So, then it's up to me to let it go. SMDH
The laughing at inappropriate times when something isn't really funny is an automatic emotional response to stress. It just comes out without the person's ability to control it. I'm speculating here but if you think about something that isn't funny and you want it to be (wanting to make something serious into something that isn't serious)...you might laugh instead of cry to counter the appropriate response which in this case.....would be to cry instead.
The Deja Vou was with me this morning....exactly. This is another thing that she does as well. Instead of answering the question....she say she already answered it. errrrrrrrrrrr!!!! No your didn't!!! Okay, let's try this again. Question.....repeat the same non answer again. Round and round we go. errrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!! That's the spinning in circles I was talking about. That means.....you aren't going to get your answer! lol errrrrr lol
Yes...it's maddening but again.....this is denial at work I think. I think it's best to recognize these tactics for what they are.....deferring, deflection, projection, denying, double talking, gas lighting......blithering.....oops. That's not one of them I just threw that in because I'm still ticked off from this morning! lol
Anyway....if you see them for what they are and recognize what is happening.....you will know when to engage and when to disengage accordingly and not get sucked into this kind irrational tap dance with him. That's part of trying to stay clean yourself.
And as I try to follow my own words here.....I sorta did and sorta didn't this morning. I got caught off guard first thing when she ambushed me with a leading question and I stepped right into it.....again! I didn't lost my temper....but I was NOT being very positive as I said. I hate getting ambushed and caught off guard like that and usually I can predict this better than I did from the question she leads with. I should know better because she always starts with "can we talk." "Can we talk " means trouble right off the bat, but I hadn't been awake long enough to get my bearings yet. My wife whether she realizes this consciously or not.....picks my most vulnerable times to try and accuse me of something that has nothing to do with me and is all about her. What she does here is not talking...she want's to talk at you and then control the conversation so when you try and respond she cuts you off or says "we're done." No we're not until I get a chance to say something damn it! I should know better. And on top of it...when I tried to respond to her and said "hey....I just want to talk"....( a little sarcasm and using her own medicine ) Her reply was " you don't want to talk....you just want to talk at me"......errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!! That's gas lighting right there. Preemptive strike accusing me of doing exactly what she does.
What do they say..."you got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me." Guess what?....that's exactly what she did! lol Clever girl I have to admit .......but she ain't fool'in me no more......I learned me some cipher'in and stuff since I was born....and that ain't just yesterday when I fell off the turnip truck! lol
Since I failed in this case and let her get under my skin.....I had to default to an old stand by my father use to use. This always freaked me out when I was a kid when he pulled this one on me back then because it made me feel like he was psychic. BS! It's a good one if you just want to shut a person down and stop the conversation which was better than losing my temper.........." I know what you are doing....and I don't like it." Kind of a modified version of "I know where you live" but in psychological terms instead. lol I learned from the best....what can I say? ha This was my failure as I said.
In real time.....this is what really happened so you can see what I mean....
My wife had a bad day at work the day before for some reason (she says)......in reality, I could see she was starting to get wound up about something which she will blame on work. Not so much. Work is work and it;s always a pain in the ass...some days are worse but they are all stressful.
In reality.....this is the "shit rolling down hill effect" of a situation that my wife is dealing with that concerns her mother (throw ma ma out the window)...that's the one! Her mother (who lives in another town...thank the Lord!) was put in the hospital recently for pneumonia and a systemic infection. Her mother has some kind of morbid fear of hospitals and distrust all authority figures including doctors. They told her that she could leave in a few days and she took them literally. The second they told her that the antibiotics had worked and the infection has cleared she demanded to leave immediately. When they told her they wanted to keep her for a couple more days she started making phone calls. First to my wife who told her that she needed to stay put and listen to the doctors. When that didn't work....she called my brother in law who lived 300 mile away to come get her because they doctors didn't know what they were doing and told her that she couldn't leave because her assisted living home wouldn't take her back because she was sick. This was a lie of course and my wife simply confirmed this by talking to the doctors and the home and no one ever said that. My wife called to talk to her mom and told her that her brother was sick and shouldn't drive that far which she told him he shouldn't....as soon as she got off the phone with my wife.....her mother called my brother in law back and started accusing the doctors and hostpital staff of giving her the wrong medication and she became irate over the phone while she was talking to him ( all an act ). They had to call hospital security to come and talk her down because she was screaming and creating a disturbance in the wing where her room was so my brother in law promised to get in his car and drive there to save her. Not a wise move but this is what her mother does. She is a master manipulator. So in the mean time....they had to call one of Mom's brother's who lived in the next town to come get her because she was threatening to walk out in her robe and no clothes and was trying to pull the IV out of her arm and wouldn't let the doctors near her to give her a sedative. She would only calm down when she knew someone was coming to pick her up and security had to wait for almost a 1 and 1/2 hours until my wifes Uncle arrived to take her home. Meanwhile....my wife's brother was on the road in heavy traffic and was sick himself on a 4 hr drive to come save his mother from the evil doctors who were trying to kill his mother with the wrong drugs and finally arrived to find his mother at home and was as calm and normal as could be. Two days later....she had a relapse and had to return to the hospital with more pneumonia because she didn't stay and take all the antibiotics she was supposed to keep taking.
And now my wife feels guilty for having told her to stay against her will and didn't go down there as her mom wanted her too but also knew better not to and knew her mom was lying all the time. This is what she grew up with....a mother who is mentally disturbed and a master guilt tripper and manipulator.
In reality.....no one wants to go see her or visit her because she is a horrible person. On some level....she knows that people are avoiding her so she manipulates them through guilt to come and see her of tend to her needs and she only picks those who will comply with her. She knows the doctors and care givers will not so she goes down the line until she finds a doupe that will comply with her demanding ways.
Before this happened.....my wife was doing pretty well and we were getting along fine. I watched my wife change day after day and watched how the shit was starting to pile on her and then is slowly started to get shoveled off on me. Like I said...shit rolling down hill and in this case....the denial is the shit.....and Queen of the shit pile is her mother who dishes it out but can't take it for a moment. She is truly evil and will stop at nothing to get what she wants.
So when my wife starts moping around and says it's work....it's not. She can't see it but I clearly can. That's the denial right there at work.
So this morning.....the talk that my wife wanted had to do with something completely arcane and not related to anything....but how it started was her asking why I lied to her. That's how it opened this morning. What was the lie? I told her I would cover our fire wood with a tarp before it rained which I did. But when she went to get some....the wind had blown it off most of the pile and wood was wet so she couldn't make a fire with it.
So in her mind.....without thinking past...."I want a fire and now I can't have one because the wood got wet." It went to "you lied because you didn't put the tarp on the wood pile so the wind wouldn't get a hold of it like it did so it wouldn't get wet so now I can't have a fire." I stupidly defended my self and said "you asked me to put the tarp on the wood and I did...how is that lying? Either I put the tarp on like you asked or didn't....which one is it...yes or no?"
And away we go!!!!! My wife got guilt tripped by her horrible abusive mother and now she tried to pass the hot potato to me.
Sorry....nice try. ( I know what you're doing....and I don't like it!!!) That's how I ended it this morning. Hooo boy. That denial....she's a bitch! lol
J
Rolling down hill
Submitted by Tdendeh on
Boy oh boy! Mental abuse is something else! Sheesh! I will have to use that phrase! It's so fitting. I usually just say 'you not gonna put this on me', but that statement will make him think. I talked crazy enough to him about ignoring me when we're around his family and about him taking up for me if someone is talking crazy to me, that I don't have a problem with that anymore. What makes you stay? I have my own coping mechanism and still sometimes wonder why I stay.
Big Rock, Little Rock
Submitted by kellyj on
Why do I stay? I look at the big picture. All these things annoy the crap out of me and even make me depressed sometimes. But I have to remind myself of what's most important...the Big Rock is the relationship....and the little rock here is me and my personal problems. Same goes with my wife even if she has trouble seeing thing this way at times. Making the best of it sounds positive but it's still seeing things the wrong way. Creating what you want by your own actions is a better way to see it. You have power in how you behave that will influence the other person to follow you especially if you leave no room for a better option on their end. If you are creating a situation for yourself that meets your own needs and requirements then you are making your own bed so to speak. If shit rolls down hill then the last thing you want is to shit where you sleep? Know what I mean? lol
PS....no one can abuse you if you don't let them. Remembering one my T has used with me (a Star War's quote)..."your Jedi mind tricks don't work with me." ha I always love that one and use that in those moments to gain perspective:)
There's also a famous book written by a Holocaust victim (I can't remember right now who or the name?)...about his experience and how he managed to survive which deals with his ability to retain the person who he was during his ordeal. Simply put.....they could take everything from him including his life....but unless he gave them himself and who he was, they could never take that from him no matter what they did to him. In the essence of what I am saying.....this is what I am saying too.
J
Where I sleep
Submitted by Tdendeh on
AWWWW. You've made some valid points. I guess if I ever get to the point where the ends don't justify the means....I refuse to change. It just would make stuff worse. Lol.
"Your Jedi tricks won't work
Submitted by jennalemone on
"Your Jedi tricks won't work with me." I will definatly be using that one.
So in her mind.....without thinking past...."I want a fire and n
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
So in her mind.....without thinking past...."I want a fire and now I can't have one because the wood got wet." It went to "you lied because you didn't put the tarp on the wood pile so the wind wouldn't get a hold of it like it did so it wouldn't get wet so now I can't have a fire." I stupidly defended my self and said "you asked me to put the tarp on the wood and I did...how is that lying? Either I put the tarp on like you asked or didn't....which one is it...yes or no?"
<<<
My H has said and done similar things. If he even lets me explain, "I did put the tarp on, but the wind blew it off," he will then say, "well, you still effed-up because you didn't secure it so it wouldn't blow off, so you're still wrong for not doing what I told you to do." As if I can control everything. But, the truth is...it's not the tarp, or anything....It's their disordered personalities. And they can't "back-pedal" and think logically once their emotions are in motion and anger quickly ramps up.
the thing is....they become "jarred" when they can't have what they want at that moment or something minor goes wrong at that moment. That "jarring effect" upsets them in a much greater way than the rest of us. We can drop our keys, and maybe softly mumble $#!+ and move on and not think twice, but when they drop their keys it's "!@#$ &*^% #$%^ *&^% screamed at a level that you think they've accidentally cut off an arm. And, that "jarred feeling" will stay with them for a hour or more!
My H once RAGED about a $600 "club store" debit he could see online with our bank...posted just a couple days before. I said that I hadn't spent $600 at that store...I hadn't even been to that store that week. Liar, Liar...he kept yelling at me. He'd barely let me respond...but really all my response was, "I wasn't at that store this week, so the $600 debit isn't mine." Then I remembered that HE had been at that store in the last few days. Oops, he then remembered. He had picked up his Rx's, and a few things, and had gotten $100 cash back.
Did he apologize? no. Did he back-pedal his anger? No. He admitted that the debit was his, but it took him a LONG time to calm down...and he never apologized.
I should have been a smart-ass and said, "ok, now that I've already been yelled at for spending $600 at that store, I'm going shopping now and spending $600."
Does your husband like to
Submitted by Tatar sauced on
Does your husband like to throw his own pity parties?
Yes....he's 24/7 Pity Parties
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Yes....he's 24/7 Pity Parties.
He's such a Drama Queen, too. He used to get very angry when I'd say that but once his therapist told him that he's a Drama Queen (and to stop it), he now jokes about it. Weird.
Childlike Childishness
Submitted by jennalemone on
I have a 4 year old granddaughter who does what H does and I see it from a different perspective. If she is asked to for instance "get dressed", or "pick up her toys" she walks away. I know she heard me but she doesn't feel like doing what I am asking her to do. She would rather do something more fun. She doesn't want to be told what to do. And won't unless there is something in it for her....a prize, a reward or not having a punishment. She many times has a little coy "getting away with" self congratulating smile while walking away from a cooperative request. When she does not get her way....something as small as the red bowl her sister had first rather than the blue bowl that is in front of her, she will yell and scream and forget what it is she wants so badly but she JUST WANTS TO HAVE THINGS HER WAY! A way to get entitlement and the good feeling of the moment "winning".
She needs rules and consequences and manipulation or her sister would be constantly "giving in"...which is what her sister constantly does so that the drama is not constant. I don't want her sister to get into the habit of always letting people have their way just because they voice a desire or a demand. So I have to have a "showdown" early in the day every day and a few more times during the day to demonstrate that the 4 year old's tantrums will not rule what and how we do things. Sometimes I am tired and it gets away from me and we all suffer her independent loud demands.
H tries to get his way by "not talking" to me, by sweet talking, by slamming things, by being sarcastic, by calling names, by insinuating that I am to blame, by theatrics that are silly when I look at them from an outsider's view. When it is your spouse and you want intimacy and trust however, it is hard for me to not have feelings about this. When I was young, I guess I could laugh it off or cry it away and be able to focus on other things after he "had his way".
At this age it kills my spirit to know that he does not care enough about the me or the health of our marriage and family to GIVE and LOVE. He just wants his way independently of me. He was a traveling salesman. He is all about manipulation. We started our life with him being supported by me to be away from us while I took care of the home and children. We never got a balance back. He still acts like he is a traveling salesman and is gone a lot while I don't know where he is. He has lived independent of us unless there is something in it for him.
When we are around other people, he is Mr. charisma to the embarassing extreme.
Balance?
Submitted by Tdendeh on
Tonight, pulling into our driveway, I asked H what goes out this week, just Bio? He says no yellow bag too. I said 'no, that was last week'. He checks his phone to tell me the yb goes out and asks what does my phone say. I say, I'm not looking at my phone. We come in the house. I've been gone all day. He takes the Bio out. I ask him to take the paper out too. Hell, he's headed outside and it's full. He heavy sighs and comes back to get it. Whatever. Then I hear/see him drag the Bio can out to the street. It doesn't go out until Friday! Yes, we're leaving tomorrow, but our dog sitter will put it out. So, I say 'you know tomorrow's Wednesday, right?' He drags the can back and comes in the house. I asked him did he forget. He tells me I'm the one who wanted it out. I'm like when did I say that?! He says 'when we pulled up, don't you remember?' I look at him crazy. I say what did I say? He repeats our whole conversation. I cut him off after 2 sentences. I was like 'I just asked what goes out this week, I didn't say take anything out. How did you get that out of what I asked?' So then he asks why am I mad. Lol! I told him what he thought was dumb and reminded him that our sitter will take the stuff to the curb, when it's time. I'm tired and he just expended all the little extra energy I had...SMDH
Also....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
H doesn't have that many friends any more....actually very few...and the few he has, he only sees RARELY. The only friend he does see (when they golf) stopped golfing with H because the friend told H that he whines too much on the course. lol