This is my first time telling the truth in a forum or even saying it out loud to anyone other than my wife. It might be too late since I think my marriage is over - my wife seems anxious to label me as irrevocably selfish and emotionally disconnected and is thinking of it as an escape. I knew about ADD but thought if it as something to do with my trouble focusing - just need to work hard at my will power was my solution. I have taken depression medication and for some time now was thinking maybe my mood shifts are because I am bipolar when a chance search today took me to a TED talk by a lady who runs a YouTube channel "How to ADHD". Everything she says in her channel made sense to me and redirected me here. I am not diagnosed, not sure where I will find an English speaking counselor who can help me - but all the symptoms listed seems to match my struggles.
I don't know whether my marriage can be fixed but I do not want my wife to walk away and tell my daughter your Dad is disinterested, selfish and an emotional pauper. Covid has accelerated our problems making it, difficult (for me)to push under the carpet and also given me a lifeline of six months till a vaccine comes. What struck me was Melissa's description of how the non ADHD partner looks at things - which is exactly my wife's view of her life - while I have been thinking she is an insufferable nag. After 15 years of marriage she is now on medication for anxiety and clinical depression and looks at me as the primary trigger for her anxiety.. I oscillate between thinking let her escape and have a life and worrying about our daughter who is extremely attached to me. I am awake at 3.40 am writing this as my brain is on supermoto mode and won't shut down for me to sleep
A view from the other side
Submitted by Exhausted44 on
Props to you for looking into ADHD. As a wife on the other side of the coin, I can say that ADHD affects way more than you realize it does. In fact, it affects almost everything. You may not realize it, having lived with it your whole life, but your wife has not. I would encourage you to seek out a psychiatrist who can do a thorough eval, and prescribe meds if needed. Find an ADHD savvy counselor and life coach and go from there. Let your wife know you love her, and that you are willing to address the ADHD and sincerely treat it. It may be too late, but all you can do is try.
Thank You
Submitted by GVMOHAN on
The funny thing is I have been working on calling a American counsellor here in Japan for the past two weeks now. Initially I thought I need to see whether I am BiPolar, now I am wondering about ADHD, but outcome is I still haven't called the clinic. I have in fact done a ton of other procrastinated work which was at the edge of deadlines to avoid taking up the phone and calling the clinic and am writing this to call them up. Matter of fact I am fairly certain I have ADHD - but for a long time I thought ADD is just something that can be overcome with willpower, I cannot get over this subconscious resistance that I am making excuses for the fact that I would rather watch OTT than work on the pending paper work that is ruining my sleep for weeks now. For some reason the last six months of WFH has aggravated my issues, earlier the constant distractions meant I could get stuff done - now with all this focus time I am fidgety, lazy, irritable and addicted to OTT all at the same time. Reading through this blogs and life experiences a ton of things which made no sense to me in the past and had me thinking that I am perennially lazy kind of makes sense now. Over the years I have worked out a lot of workarounds and coping mechanism but most of them had left me feeling like a fraud - the worry is how I might be affecting my daughter, this constant mood shifting I do.
Even if your marriage ends...
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
still get evaluated and treated and coached for your ADHD. Your ADHD symptoms affect everyone with whom you have contact. The more contact you have with someone the greater they have felt the corrosive impact of your ADHD symptoms. They wear people down to where they feel is easier to minimize interaction with you. Don't let this happen with your daughter. Your daughter loves you and needs your love and attention in return regardless if you remain married. Think of your relationship with your daughter as a means of motivating to keep on track with your ADHD evaluation and treatment. It is not easy (and never will be). God bless you.