Hi Everyone! This is my first post on this site and in fact I don't post online much at all, certainly not about myself. I have only commented on one other user's post so far. I have tried to search to find helpful stories already posted, but decided to share my plight as we're all individuals, so here goes.
I met my wife 3 years 8 months ago, proposed 1 year 2 months ago and married her 4 months ago. And we've already both thrown the "D" word around more than once but I think I think it more than her - whenever I feel I'm not good enough and I'm holding her back.
I am 32, I don't have diagnosed ADHD, but my wife has read up on the issues we were having and came across Melissa Orlov's work (amongst others). After the initial conflict about changing chow I am blah blah typical symptom, my W played me a clip from "ADHD E on M" and we both resonated so strongly with that alone that it convinced us both I have adult ADHD. The more we both read the more resonated. Today I went to the doctor for a referral to a specialist to get a diagnosis, potentially treatment. Even that was ADHD-esque as I missed my first appointment after getting distracted in the 15 minutes between my reminder alarm to get ready to leave, and the time to actually leave the house!
So, where are we now and why do we need your help?
Before the wedding my wife complained of taking on more than her share of the planning and prep. Of me not showing interest or coming up with my own ideas and just following hers
During the wedding I had fun but looking back and reflecting I can see that I didn't at all support the one person who put so much bloody effort and money in whom this day was supposed to bloody be about!
After the wedding we had a not-so-honey honeymoon that had already been booked to climb Kilimanjaro then chill in Zanzibar. She fell ill after Kilimanjaro's stress and couldn't fully enjoy Zanzibar. I comforted and supported her, but notably one night I was accused of "asking her what she needed" - I have become accustomed to her telling me what to do and so ask her "help me know how to help you". *
When we got back it got worse. Try as I might I could not think of what to say to spark meaningful conversation. The effortless interest in and memory of her interests that I had at first eluded me, and in those moments of stressing, reaching for something to say or do to buck her up, the trying only made it harder and I am used to straining against a blank mind now.
This evening (30/12) , I realised I could only just remember what I got for Christmas from some people, not all, 5 days ago. I couldn't remember conversation from a friend 10 days ago. So potentially I also have memory issues I have told my doctor about, and I aim to get an app to help train memory.
My W accuses me of "puppy-dogging" her - especially shopping. Following around and commenting when needed or picking things out but showing no genuine interest. Accuses me of never making things happen myself: instead I just piggyback off what other people arrange for me. Even before she met me, the experiences I talked about - were they really me getting out there and doing things or were they other people doing it and taking me along? Or life just happening to me and me drifting along?
Worst of all, today I overcame my pride and fear and shared my finances with my W, so she now controls all my cards and spending (and earning). Her words: "your situation isn't bad. It's dire." I need to find nearly £10,000 in 4 months. Any hope she had of moving on with HER life, moving out of a house she feels trapped in, starting a family from a stable financial position, Trying out different vocations and looking for different careers from the one she feels trapped in but currently pays the bills, I have comprehensively dashed. And this situation could have been averted much earlier - even before the wedding we had conversations about sharing finance. About how our finance would change after we married and she's bailed me out time after time.
I can't in her words, give her any reassurance of stability, any support emotionally, mentally, developmentally, organisationally, and especially financially. So I feel I am essentially useless.
It's thoughts like this that lead me to think that she wouldn't have married me, shouldn't have married me, and might be better off without me.
We have tonight thought seriously about temporary separation, to give her space to think and act and eat to herself without looking after me.
So, I am trying to make my way through Orlov's books, though I haven't read seriously for years and am out of the routine and drive for it. I am trying to read online self-help and making money. Tomorrow I am selling everything I own but don't need and doing a Facebook shout out for part time evening/weekend work, maybe also enquiring in person in a few local places. (I have a day job that normally pays well, but is self employed and quiet in January). Obviously I am hoping to get more help and perhaps medication with a formal diagnosis in a few weeks.
Any advice, anecdotes, help, suggestions of where to focus my reading or how to help with finances, or really anything at all I would be deeply grateful for.
Thank you for taking the time to read and help, and I hope I can help you too in some small way :)
Hopeful
Submitted by adhd32 on
You are in a better position than most other ADHDers who post here. You are open to change, readily admit you have a problem, and are willing to follow through with professional help. Don't be too hard on yourself. Embrace every suggestion and follow medical advise. Show her you are committed to change. Once you start sliding backwards you have to redouble your commitment to treatment so you don't get too comfortable again. Old habits die hard. Best of luck to you, you seem sincere in your desire to improve.
thejamesjimbob, reading your
Submitted by arfa on
thejamesjimbob, reading your words was like reading my husband's thoughts. Especially this:
I can't in her words, give her any reassurance of stability, any support emotionally, mentally, developmentally, organisationally, and especially financially. So I feel I am essentially useless.
Thank you so much for being vulnerable and willing to take responsibility (and action). For many folks, it's a struggle just to admit there's an issue, acknowledge the need for help, and have the desire to change! So I agree-- you are already taking the right steps.
My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 5 (didn't take that advice to wait for 3 years before an ADHD marriage...). In terms of finance and organization, some things have gotten better, but many things have stayed the same (despite many kinds of therapy). As the non-ADHD partner, I can often feel the tangible burdens-- taking on extra physical, mental, and emotional responsibility. But what I have to remind myself of is that he also has a burden-- his burden is more along the lines of feeling like he's useless, that he IS the burden, that he's ruined my life, that he's a net negative to anyone who knows him, that he's smart enough to know he should "be better" but not able to actually be better, etc.
It's very easy for me to gauge usefulness as output, but being married to an ADHD partner has taught me that if I measure based on productivity, I'll always be disappointed. Instead, I need to look at effort. Effort can't pay the bills or do the dishes, but I have to trust that when he says he's doing his best, he truly is doing his best.
Another thing we try to do is acknowledge strengths and weaknesses; know when and how to give and accept help. I never thought of myself as a controlling person, but I feel like I've become a controlling person since getting married. For example, sometimes I make my husband a chore list (like my parents used to do for me) and check in with him multiple times to see how he's progressing. I've asked him if this makes it feel too much like a parent-child relationship, and he said that he feels bad for me needing to be so involved, but that it helps him. These conversations about what I'm willing to do and what's he's willing to accept have been helpful for us.
Many, many times, he has proposed that I cut my losses and get out of this marriage (he, like you, feels like he's holding me back). Talk to your wife about how you feel she feels-- does she actually think you're holding her back, or is that something you've accused yourself of? You got married for a reason-- are those reasons still there? Are you both willing to stick with it and keep trying?
Rooting for you!