Starting soon..! For those of you who are within driving distance of Boston, Dr. Hallowell and his wife, Sue (an excellent therapist in her own right) will be conducting three group therapy sessions for couples starting this June 24th. This is a great opportunity for couples where one or both partners has ADHD to get the advice of real experts, in person, and to meet others who share some of the issues. The details follow - please read them before calling to register:
What: Couples therapy group with Dr. Ned Hallowell and Sue Hallowell
Who: About 8 couples (maximum of 12). Both members of the couple need to be present and at least one with ADHD.
Where: Sudbury, MA at the Hallowell Center, 142 North Road, Sudbury, MA 01776
When: Three Tuesday evenings - June 24, July 22, July 29. The group will meet from 6:00 - 7:30 pm on each of those evenings
How much: There is a charge of $300 per couple for the three sessions
How to register: Call the Sudbury Hallowell Center at 978-287-0810.
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Comments
Dealing with husband with ADHD and Depression
Submitted by PatriciaMoore on
Why would you feel guilty
Submitted by AKA_Dawg on
Move Out?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You have to look into your heart for this one. Moving out can be scary, but never seeing your grandchildren, being estranged from your children and never being happy might be even scarier.
If you do decide to move out, please make sure that you are financially secure and that you do not leave yourself open for financial "attack" from your husband if you do decide to either move out or ask him to move out. People can change quite dramatically when such a major upset occurs, and you will want to walk into it with your eyes open. WHile not fair, I've seen men and women who felt wronged empty bank accounts, even though they were joint, hide money and worse. Unfortunatley, women often leave themselves vulnerable by not thinking ahead about the financial implications of separation and a potentially angry spouse.
In my own case (and I'm not saying this would work for you) I took the precaution of moving exactly 50% of our joint funds from one of our accounts into an account that was under my name only. This made me feel protected a bit from unpredictability, but I was very, very careful not to exceed what would have been considered mine in any future settlement (we had other assets, too, so this was "disaster insurance" for me). For some men, though, that would have been an act of all out war, and permission to do any dirty thing they wanted. I knew my husband well enough to know that while he wouldn't like it, he wouldn't retaliate.
Also, have a good idea of where you will go, and how you will broach the subject - it's too important to do off the cuff.
Good luck on this one, and let us know how it goes.
Melissa Orlov
Couples therapy group with Dr. Ned Hallowell and Sue Hallowell
Submitted by Ad Friend on
would love to know if couples session will take place again
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
I would also be very interested in this couple's session if it is offered again! (number omitted)
ADHD husband has left
Submitted by confused (not verified) on
I am sorry for your
Submitted by outdoorsgirl1974 on
I am sorry for your situation.It must be devastating to you.You have all these angry emotions,yet your shocked,sad,etc.As much as your soo angry....I would try to look at it in a different light.Sometimes things do get to a breaking point and they have to break in order for change to occur.Make sense?Not to get your hopes up...but it sounds like the best thing is separation at this point so he can miss what he had.He needs to really have time away and for himself to think about what matters most in life.If he still chooses to stay away and call it quits....then knowing that....I wouldn't want that person in my life anyway.I agree with you and feel your totally right...he is the one who needs to wake up to how he is contributing to contaminating the relationship.To take ownership and responsibility...for sure!
In the meanwhile,like I have commented to others...work on yourself.For me I have gotten on antidepressants,go to couseling for myself and the biggest thing that has helped is a codependency class through church.Having that support of other women,not just about unhealthy/addictive relationships...but about stress,depression,being hurt..all that your struggling with...it is just so great to have that support of other women and that they can relate.
It sounds like he has made his choice and so you have no choice but to deal with your emotions at this point.I understand how your so angry with him and justifiably so...but the more you attack him...the more being away from you is going to look better for him.Just let him be for now and cool off.Reverse pyschology maybe?Good Luck to you!
ADD Husband has left response
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
It sounds almost as if your husband had developed a two-sided life - one out in the business world where he is a "high flyer" living the good life and being a gadfly, and one at home where he was getting relatively little positive feedback and had more responsibilities than he wanted to handle. As he doesn't seem inclined to respond to you in a positive or supportive way, I think you have little choice than to respond to his desire to move out with dignity.
Some of the issue here seems to be that you have expectations that he should be a different person than he currently is in order to succeed in your marriage. The problem is - he gets plenty of positive feedback for being that person outside the marriage and, sadly, will also be able to find plenty of other women who will be delighted to spend time with him as that high-flyer. You, on the other hand, want him to deal with his ADD, stop drinking (and having fun, in his eyes), work at exercising, which he hates, hang out around the house...educate himself about how he is inadequate in your eyes (which is how he most likely sees your request to learn more about his ADD). You can see why that doesn't sound very appealing.
I would urge you to get going on a separation agreement that is fair to both parties and sets some boundaries or, if he does decide to come back, take a careful look at your own role in how this is unfolding (more on that later). A good book on a certain type of separation agreement that I used when thinking about this is "You Don't Have to Take It Anymore" talks about the concept of controlled separation. It will help you think through some of the underlying issues that can be so difficult to resolve (money, sex, visitations, etc). Also, if at all possible, move towards mediation of this type of agreement rather than using divorce lawyers. Couples who use mediation are statistically far more likely to have a good relationship after the experience (either as divorced co-parents or back together) than those who use lawyers (who get paid to roil things up).
The two of you will continue to have a relationship of some sort into the future, and it is in the best interests of everyone - you AND the kids AND your husband- if you continue to get along and be supportive of each other. In your case, this will take changing some of your behavior, as it seems that you haven't been all that supportive of him in the past. This takes some self control, but is worth it. My personal belief is that you should try hard not to put yourselves into situations that will escalate bad feelings on either side. On the other hand, you must certainly set rules for yourself and others so that no one gets walked all over (for example, setting rules with the kids that bad-mouthing their father in your presence is not okay. If they have an issue they need to work through they should work through that specific issue, but that personal attacks are off limits. You, too, should stick by this rule. If you do, you'll be more likely to be able to convince your husband that he should do the same towards you when the kids are with him and everyone will be better off for it.)
The first step to creating this relationship is to let go of your feelings that you have anything to do with your husband's behavior. You may want him to address his ADD, but that is completely his decision. In fact, that has always been his decision, and part of the reason that he may have resisted it this long is that it's been emotionally charged at your house - wrapped up in how you feel about his inadequacies.) So, you need to start treating him like a respected business associate, not a spouse. That sounds weird, perhaps, but you will be amazed by the results. Note that I say "respected". If you simply hold him at arm's distance, you will not acheive your goal of having a good relationship (by definition, because you will be distanced from each other). If you treat him with respect, but in a business-like way in which you recognize that his point of view has merit, and insist that your point of view has merit, and work together to find common ground, then you will hopefully have some success in setting up an arrangement that works for both of you.
My second piece of advice on this is to start looking inwardly and figuring out who you want to be in this. Too many people get caught up in their anger and bad feelings, without seeing what that does to them as a person. Revenge and blame are ALWAYS destructive. Better, in my opinion, is to decide that you wish to be a thoughtful, honorable and good person throughout this transaction. Or, as one of my recently divorced male neighbors said about his diminished finances "The most important part is the sleep-at-night factor. I have to be able to go to sleep knowing that my ex-wife and kids will be comfortable enough and that I did what I think was the right thing." Though his ex is still angry with him (and suffering herself from the expression of that anger) he held himself to high standards of behavior and has moved on (which, of course, infuriates her).
A turning point for me, when my husband and I had decided to separate, was deciding that I didn't like the angry person I had become and deciding that I would start acting differently towards both my husband and everyone else. So I simply changed how I fit into the world, literally overnight, and how I was thinking about him. Instead of viewing my husband as faulty and broken, I started viewing him as an individual who made specific decisions about who he wanted to be that I needed to respect and accept. I had to accept that he could do as he pleased (including leave me) and that it was his choice, not mine. I decided that I was inherently an even-keeled, warm person and that I would be that person again - not just for me, but for my children, too. The surprising outcome of that was that as soon as I stopped trying to change my husband he actually liked me better as a person and was willing and able to see me as I had been before - that real person, instead of the angry imposter.
You don't mention much about exactly how the two of you interact, but some of your words "he was completely out of line" and descriptions of how he needs to change in order to be an acceptable husband, suggest that you have moved pretty far from a strong marriage and may be in parent/child territory. You tried to cow him into submission by threatening that he should leave and then were surprised when, instead of acting in the child role and apologizing, he actually acted like an adult and chose his own path (including whether or not to respond to your emails, which he is under no obligation to do. He is serving you notice by not responding that he is now his own person and you need to respect that.) Yes, he probably has many things that could be improved when push comes to shove, but before you get too angry with him you should assess your own role for you do, too. You are just as responsible for this break up as he is, (read my blog post on action/reaction for more on this). If you can accept that, and change directions you will have a far greater likelihood of repairing things partially or fully.
So, give him, and you, the space you both seem to need right now, find a mediator, start negotiations, change your approach (NO MORE telling him who he should be. He is who he is and you either love him like that or go elsewhere). He loved you once, when you both respected each other. He may love you again if you can shift back towards really, genuinely feeling and acting on that respect again (and vice versa - you may be able to love him again, too)...or not. The only guarantee is that you can't predict what the future will bring - you can only control your own behavior and make sure that you are the best person you can be in this new environment.
Good luck with it all - we'll be crossing our fingers for you.
Melissa
Can you explain how one can suddenly respect a spouse who didn't
Submitted by ontask on
Melissa,
I am new to this site and am therefore reading old posts, and this one- like most- was very helpful. I understand and like the idea of the non-ADD spouse needing to decide who she (or he) wants to be- resentful and bitter OR accepting.
I completely can relate to every word in this woman's post. My husband is an attorney and gets positive feedback from the clients he rescues and his support staff whom he pays. At home, he's the guy who still hasn't gotten our estate plan finished, screams at the kids to quit crying 'cause he can't stand the sound, doesn't pay the bills - or help with household chores, and has been in front of the ethics board for taking "shortcuts." So......how can I all of a sudden decide to respect this man who believes he doesn't need "to change" despite a psychiatrist's ADD diagnosis? Whose actions I find to be completely reprehensible? Who is unwilling to change to meet my basic needs? Aren't I then ignoring my own ethical or moral standards of what is right or wrong? Yes, I'm sure my husband would be nicer to me if I were more respectful, but then I become complicit in his fibs, shortcuts, outbursts, nonpayments, etc.
How does one do that without devaluing oneself?
sudden respect
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I don't know if I will say this in a way that makes sense. I see the word "respect" covering two different things. There is general respect for an individual that is earned over time. This is the respect I think you are referring to when you ask "how can I suddenly respect a man who is reprehensible and unwilling to meet my needs?" In this case, I don't think you can. He hasn't earned your respect either in how he has conducted his affairs nor how he has treated you. (In the theoretical he might be able to do so in the future, over time.)
Then there is the basic respect that we afford other human beings because they are other human beings and because we respect ourselves. This is the respect you afford a stranger, for example. I also think that it is a measure of respecting yourself that you treat others with compassion and courtesy - including reprehensible husbands. (This is where I lose people, because they think I'm saying "lay down like a rug and let someone walk all over you" which is the exact OPPOSITE of what I am saying.) What works for me is finding a way to express pain, anger, love, whatever your emotion or thought that is constructive as often as possible. (I'm not a saint. Sometimes I just fly off the handle, too!) If I can manage to be productive/constructive/whatever you call engaging with someone with purpose then I can hold my head high and know that I have not become just like the angry person or amoral person I'm dealing with. They haven't brought me down into the muck with them.
In any event, when I say "try to treat your spouse with respect" what I guess I'm saying is that I think you owe the person with whom you share your life at least as much courtesy or thought as you give a stranger.
And what I am not saying is "give up your ethical standards". You may have read my posts on finding/setting boundaries. That's another way of saying find your ethical core and don't let it go. Stand up for who you are. Don't be sucked into being a person you dislike (as I was once sucked into being a person I disliked) by the strains that ADD places on a relationship. Hold your head high - be who you are when you are at your best - be the opposite of "complicit" but be so in a constructive (respectful?) way.
Does that help at all?