Hello everyone, this is my first post here. I have read the "ADHD effect" book and it was a revelation.
I have been married to my wife for 12 years, and while there have been "issues" it was a happy marriage for the first ten years. We have a son who is 9.
Recently we have moved to another country and this seems to have triggered something in my wife. She also had a long form of covid that lasted for many months. The "problems" (textbook ADHD symptoms) were however there right from the start pretty much, I just didnt know what they were and what to do with them.
I first thought she has narcissistic personality disorder and was fairly set on that - until I came across the ADHD symptoms...... I had no idea and now I have gained a fairly clear picture. I always had a feeling that while her conduct taken at face value would indicate narcissism, there is a missing element - she isnt taking advantage of other people, she's not in it for the gain or for admiration, I am pretty sure of that. As selfish as she may come across at times, it doesnt look like she's out to get an advantage, there isn't any malicious intent in her actions and omissions, it's just that she can't get her act together in so many things.
I had long resented her for getting up in the morning, making herself a lovely cappucino and not even asking me if I want one too. Or just not bringing the products home from the supermarket that I enjoy, she would usually come back with the bare basics only. Or the fact that when we are on a vacation trip (that I organised all alone) she wouldnt even see if she can find a nice restaurants or do anything at all. She's really bad with household cleaning too (and if she does something it's usually really sloppy and I have to do it again) and her own bathroom is so dirty honestly I wouldnt use it myself. It's filthy. Her clothes are thrown into the wardrobe with no system, some not even folded, it's a complete mess. I heard about the "ADHD walk" with the posture sway and it's 100% her. She also constantly runs into things, she forgets to switch the iron off and leaves the house for a week. It's scary at times. She left the gas cooking stove on twice, burning away the whole night. She has no vision or goal in life other than make her boss at work happy - which she does consistently, her shortcomings at home and in our marriage are completely absent (it seems to me from the outside) at her work life.
I task her with easy things like "Please buy a bed head for your bed otherwise we'll have to paint the wall when we move out" and she says yes and nothing happens. That was a year ago and she still doesnt have a bed head. She also wasn't able to buy placemats for the dinner table, I have to do all these kinds of things myself because she can't get them done. I manage all finances, insurances, pension plans, travel, etc. 100% myself for the family, she has no interest. She hasn't picked up a paintbrush once, hung no photo on a wall ever, and generally drifts along in our life without making substantial contributions. She can't make a family home a nice place, it's imposible for her.
The thing that got me thinking and really alarmed was when our son got a diagnosis for severe dustmite allergy (and we live in a rental place with an old carpet). We treated his room together and then explicitly agreed that she would take care of the necessary steps from there - meaning vacuuming, dusting blinds etc. As it happened she was away for a few days and I got around to vacuuming his room with a new dustbag, and it was shocking. The room was absolutely filthy, six weeks after my son's diagnosis. When she got back I confronted her and she admitted she had not vacuumed it even once. She wasnt able to say why, just that "i didnt expect this". I got soooo angry with her and our marriage is seriously on the rocks now because of all of this. We have a serious problem with me being the parent and her being a child in our relationship, and we both actually acknowledged that even before I came across ADHD as a possibility. It's terrible. I sometimes think of her as an imbecile, despite the fact that I love her so much. I have zero trust in her that she can get things done and contribute to our life.
I am scared to confront her with the suggestion that she may have ADHD. Not only because she might reject it, but also because I was set on her having narcissistic personality disorder and now I'm pretty sure I am wrong with that. What if I am wrong again? I will come across as a husband who is trying to label his wife as mentally ill, it's not who I want to be. And maybe it's NPS after all or maybe something completely different... who knows....
How have others approached their better half with this topic? I am so scared of doing the wrong thing and ruining my marriage - which I really want to save - irrecoverably.
Hoping for some of you out there to share your thoughts and how you went about it in order to get your partner to seek a diagnosis. Many thanks from downunder
Can relate
Submitted by MATTHD on
My now ex-wife of a year (married for 9) was diagnosed as ADHD, but that doesn't mean she didn't have a good amount of narcissism as well --she does. I.e. she would steal from drug stores for fun even though she's wealthy, was extremely entitled, unwiling to take accountability, thought she was better than minorities, lied constantly.
the most relatable was the headboard. In my case, first thing that comes to mind would be opening a window or turning on fan while showering. I reminded her like 50x but the paint was peeling all over the place and who knows how much mold/mildew. Hundreds of things just like that. Frankly, i wish i had just let it go or done it myself.
at the end of the day, as my therapist told me over and over, "you can accept her as she is right now, or walk away." The diagnosis' are real, but also just labels on a spectrum. If you ask for change (nicely), and work on accepting your reality, that's your best bet. People change when they feel accepted-- I failed to do that; maybe you can do better.
Matt
I understand
Submitted by Tired.And.Sick on
I can sympathize with your plight. My wife has been diagnosed with ADHD, so I don't need to broach that topic with her, but even knowing that she has ADHD doesn't help her recognize her bad behavior for what it is. However for her she knew since childhood. Perhaps in your case a diagnosis could open the door to allow your wife to examine her behavior with a therapist present. I would call this an opportunity.
Does your son have ADHD, or is he too young to tell? Does her side of the family have any history of ADHD? If there is a history maybe you could bring up it being a heritable illness, and soften the accusatory feel of the conversation. Look for her traits that match ADHD that she already recognizes as a problem, and steer the conversation that way. Just thinking out loud, so to speak, but I hope that is helpful. Whatever you do, realize that it may take time. My wife reacts poorly to anything she perceives as criticism, but if it's a suggestion made from a place of love then after a few days/weeks she treats the suggestion as though she recognized it herself.
Similar experiences
Submitted by Range_Rover_17 on
My spouse was diagnosed with adhd and put on Ritalin as a child, but told me back when we were dating that he didn't agree with the diagnosis and thought the psychologist was wrong. He no longer takes meds and has a lot of the similar behaviors as your wife does-- your comment about her making a cappucino for herself without a thought to you reminds me of when I first moved in with my spouse before we were married. He came home from being out with food--for himself alone, even though he knew I was home...I was flabbergasted! He also goes to the store and comes back with the 4 items that he wants, and that's it! I don't think he's bought toilet paper or paper towels in years! It's a combination of cluelessness and selfishness. We've been together for about 19 years and he hasn't changed at all. Like your wife, he shows a lot of concern for his job and for pleasing his boss, but otherwise is really only interested in himself and his own needs. He is able to stay clean and tidies up his own space, but shows no concern for the rest of the house. He is otherwise kind, and was thoughtful when we were first together, but is really difficult to live with or collaborate with. He isn't always able to handle taking care of things on his own without me reminding him. We don't have kids, and I look at that as a blessing now (sadly). He's done some pretty unsafe things that affected me and almost crashed the car with me in the passenger seat a few times. It's turned me into an anxious mess. He treats me like I'm the problem when really I just don't have 100% confidence in him based on a lot of his behaviors. Any attempt of mine to get him to look at his behavior (let alone change it) was always met with denial and a kind of gaslighting, but he wasn't even fully aware of what he was doing. This used to make me enraged, but now I've just stopped trying. He does contribute some things to our life together but is horrible with money. I was the "over functioning spouse" without realizing it for many years-- working a well paying but stressful job so we'd have enough money, buying everything "we" needed while he spent more than he earned on himself and got fired from jobs. I am exhausted now and am trying to focus on myself and my own needs. I even loaned him several thousands of dollars once and created an agreement/schedule for him to pay me back (this was before we were married) and he never did. I feel incredibly alone, and can't really even have conversations with him anymore that don't devolve into an argument. I have a lot of resentment and feel empty, now more than ever because of the isolation and difficulties of COVID. When I had a bigger support system outside of my marriage, I didn't feel so alone.
My therapist has told me to decide for myself if I want to stay in the relationship as it is, because he is never going to change. I guess my advice to you would be to stay as long as it takes to raise your child, and then decide if you can stay in the relationship any longer. You will always have to parent her on some level.
been there, done that
Submitted by working on it on
My situation is very much like yours. My wife of eight years has had some odd behavioral issues that I couldn't figure out. As time pasted, they became worse. About two years ago she was in a car accident that damaged her thyroid, causing hyperthyroidism. The behavioral symptoms can be very similar to ADHD and dementia. As she was treated for her thyroid, her behaviors became better than ever, eventually slipping back to classic ADHD when she stopped her medication. She is unaware that she has ADHD, although the entire family is aware as are her doctors. Unfortunately, she will not allow any discussion of personal faults, so she (and I ) are stuck. I mention some of this because you mentioned that your wife had long covid and her symptoms of adhd gotten worse. COVID, especially long covid, can cause some autoimmune problems, particularly of the thyroid. It's possible that she has picked up a thyroid issue from covid that magnifies the already challenging adhd behaviors. Simple blood test by her doc for thyroid stimulating hormone (TSH) will answer that question. The medication for hyperthyroidism, methimazole, works great and made our marriage much better, even though I struggle through enduring the adhd behaviors. It is very exhausting.
Information may help
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
If you have not read (or listened to) my first book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage that may be a starting place (note - many people with ADHD prefer the audiobook version so you may want to go that direction). The reason I say this is that saying "I think you have ADHD and that may account for your/our issues" sounds like a critique. Saying "I'm reading this book I had heard about and the situations in it sound just like our marriage" may be more intriguing. I've also heard people select a paragraph or two and read it aloud to their partner along with "listen to this - it sure sounds like us..." (HINT: select at least one topic that reflects poorly on you or is representative of what your partner says their experience is...less likely to set up a defensive reaction.)
If you do decide to broach the topic of ADHD, do it gently. Many with ADHD are afraid to get a label that might single them out as the source of their marital issues. So starting with a genuinely humble reference to the work that you also need to do can help. Something like "I've been curious about whether or not there might be an explanation for some of what goes on between us. We love each other and yet can't seem to stop driving each other crazy. I found a book that sounds a lot like us and it points out that I have a lot of work to do that I hadn't really been thinking about...and also suggests that perhaps ADHD might be a factor. I'm wondering if you might be willing to at least read/listen to some parts of the book to see if you are equally curious?"
That's a direct but also respectful.