Submitted by pwcb11 on 06/19/2015.
I have searched the internet on the topic of an ADHD parent and their impact on their children. There is plenty about ADHD & marriage but virtually nothing on how ADHD impacts children living with an ADHD parent. From my observation the impact is much like that on the nonADHD spouse, but much worse as children do not have the skills nor understanding on how to deal with the unwarranted anger, criticism and inconsistency in their lives. Has anyone out there found an online recourse or book that covers this topic. My daughter is suffering from living with her father (and me as well) and I do not know how to deal with this. thanks.
I would love to know the
Submitted by MFrances on
I would love to know the answer to this too. It is hard for them to not take the anger personally and to understand the forgetting. All they see is their dad doesn't follow through or keep his promises.
Agree honesty is good
Submitted by pwcb11 on
Thank you for your very honest and personal perspective. I am glad you recommend that I speak directly with my daughter about my husband's ADHD, because I do. My husband knows he has ADHD because he was diagnosed as a child. He is no longer on medication and believes he has it "under control." He is in denials about how untreated ADHD impacts marriages, even though I have pointed him to web sites & books. He refuses to read the books and says I want to blame him for all of the problems in our marriage. In the last 6 months I just figured out that so many of the issues in our marriage (lack of intimacy/cuddling, argumentative/grumpy/critical, lying & secrets, impulsiveness, and always wanting to talk about himself/be the center of attention) were symptoms of ADHD's impact on marriage. Then I got to thinking that, while I can deal with this, it must be impacting my daughter who says she walks on eggshells at our house when her father is around. I started looking for information on the topic, expecting to find the plethora of info like on ADHD and marriage, and found NOTHING!!! Why? Why isn't this being discussed & researched?
So, thank you for speaking out & acknowledging (from first hand experience) what I thought. When I do talk with my daughter (in her teens) & try to explain is is her Dad's ADHD, not him, she just says that isn't fair for her. I agree. Children/teens do not have the capacity fully developed yet to manage this destructive disease. I am wondering how other parents have found ways to protect their kids. Or perhaps how you, now as an adult looking back, were able to cope.
Again, thank you for sharing.
Exposure Really Helped
Submitted by kellyj on
I was fortunate to have a lot of exposure to lots of different families and friends growing up plus the fact that I was involved with sport teams and activities that were really diverse. This was somewhat just from shear luck since my family had moved around right up until I was born and then stayed in one place my entire childhood. The neighborhood where we lived was the new suburbs and it was just beginning to develop in the peak of the baby boom. Every family that moved in had kids.....the place was crawling with them! At any given time of day if you looked down the streets there were kids everywhere. There were so many new houses and construction going on all the time....and construction sites and machinery were like Disneyland everyday. There was a few times in particular when the workers sometimes forgot and left the keys in the big machines that we would use them for our entertainment...every little boys dream! (sorry getting off topic). Anyway.....it was kind of free for all back then with more of an open door policy in the neighborhood and I would end up at different friends houses on a rotating basis and their parents would always pull up an extra chair and feed you and at times, I would just spend the night at various friends houses. I spent as much time away from home as I could not so much that I felt unsafe, more just to get away from my own home life which always seemed more oppressive and not very interesting compared to some of the other families around the block. I was the youngest by some years and my older sisters were in High School and took up more of my parents time or attention so I was able to fly under the radar most of the time. I guess you could say I became every bodies little brother in the neighborhood and adopted myself out so to speak. lol Of course there were down sides to this but at the same time....it seemed like a pretty good deal to me. I didn't realize also that probably the reason why my parents were so willing to get me involved with sports and other activities was so someone else could deal with a kid with more energy than they knew what to do with and I didn't mind as long as I could be anywhere but home. For me, it was really good and not so good all at the same time.
J
Be Honest
Submitted by kellyj on
Just because a parent has ADHD (and is possibly in denial?) doesn't mean the rest of the family has to pretend that is doesn't exist or look the other way. I'm just now (after 57 years) coming to the conclusion that my mother had ADHD too. It makes sense and my oldest sister now agrees. After spending so much time figuring all of this stuff out myself, I recently was able to have a real conversation with my oldest sister about our mother since the two of us ( thinking my sister has it too but doesn't want to really talk about it) are quite alike in so many ways that I can't imagine at this point she doesn't have it too. She was able to tell me what is was like for her growing up before I was born and the problems she ran into with our mother. The one thing that stuck me the most in our conversation was when my sister told me that after she started having her own children, it really hit her that the way our mother behaved so many times when she was young, she new that there was no way she could ever behave in that way herself and that something was really off.
I told my sister (who had never heard this before) that my mother told me when I was older and my both my sisters had been out of the house raising their own children by that time, said that she knew something was wrong when she was in her early 30's but my father would have never paid for her to go see a shrink which for him, would not only have been a source of embarrassment but not something he even believed in doing and certainly wouldn't have wasted money on such foolishness.
Between the two of us...we both recounted stories of feeling hurt and neglected in some ways from the way our mother behaved each with our own different versions and coming up with different conclusions to try and explain these anomalies in our mother. I told my sister at this point, that I was sure it was ADHD and my sister now agrees. It would have changed so many things and years of misunderstanding and living with these wrong conclusions and assumptions if we had just known the truth.
I think it really doesn't matter what is wrong with a parent as long as someone can explain it to your children and give them the honest facts of the matter instead of leaving it up to them to figure these things out for themselves and without a doubt....take the behavior personally and think it has to do with them which of course.....none it ever does. Even if the parent who has ADHD is in denial and won't do anything about it.....the rest of the family is not required to be this way themselves. It can do no good what so ever to sweep these things under the rug....put a bow on it and call it good.
Be honest and talk directly to your children and tell them exactly what is happening and the reasons why. I can tell you without question....this is sound advise.
J
I'd like to add my thanks for
Submitted by MFrances on
I'd like to add my thanks for your honesty too. Very enlightening. And I think it's great that you and your sister are able to openly talk about it. I agree that honesty is the best, my kids do know that their dad has ADHD but the damage is done. To some extent it doesn't matter that he has ADHD, he still breaks his promises and doesn't follow through, etc. There is a book about growing up with a parent with a chronic illness. I can't remember the name, it was sited in another book I read (I'm almost positive in a book about ADHD). I have the name of the book somewhere and I will look for it. If I find it I will post it. I don't know why I didn't think if that before, that's what it is. We probably all grew up in families that didn't talk about anything like this. My family didn't either.
This is just my personal opinion....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Much depends on whether the ADHD parent is the primary caretaker, and whether the male ADHD parent is stable-employed with a good salary.
My mother in law had ADHD and never paid any attention to what her kids were doing. Thru the grace of God they survived childhood, but only after many, many trips to the ER, stitches, broken bones, etc. She never paid any attention to what social skills they learned (virtually none). She also never bothered to teach them anything. Most of her children have had a hard time adjusting to life - largely because they were "raised by wolves." lol
My FIL also had ADHD. He couldn't work for anyone, so he started his own business. He should have been very successful (potentially lucrative) but because of his ADHD he couldn't focus on what needed to be done, and wasted time on stuff he preferred doing....reading newspapers, magazines, watching TV. Unfortunately, because he "pretended to work hard" by going to the office 6 days a week (really just to avoid kid-noise and to be able to goof off w/o anyone knowing), his kids grew up to think that hard work means little pay-off (because their dad never earned much....but they THOUGHT he was working hard. Only recently did H's mom reveal that her H hardly worked at all.