We were in a relationship for 8 months; I know he loves me and I do love him to death. He told me at the beginning that he has ADHD, but i didn`t know much about it until today. The relationship has been milk and honey the first 3 months, then I felt a change and I started expressing it (now I see that I did it in a wrong way and he`s been taking it as a criticism). At every conflict he would break up with me, block me, not speaking to me for a few days, and it was me all the time the one that would initiate and try to get back together. Now, this is the 10th breakup where I`m being blocked from 5 days now, and I didn`t try to do anything. I am still waiting to see if he is gonna come back. He is a gaming addict and spends every night gaming, 6 to 8 hours a night. He has caused me to feel unwanted, unloved, rejected and he`s getting very rude and verbally aggressive when angry. The past 4 months we have been fighting and breaking up every week over anything, it`s been unbearable. I have been trying to discuss with him calmly and tell him how I feel, but he always keeps saying that he loves me, the next day nothing changes for good, it is the same routine that was causing frustration until then. Any misunderstanding we have, he is breaking up and if not, he is saying he doesn`t care or applying silent treatment. How do I get him to talk now and have a heart to heart conversation on what we need to change considering that now I have an idea about ADHD - but we both need to live with it and cope.
ADHD partner always blocks me and breaks up
Submitted by Simona292 on 03/21/2021.
He’s only going to get worse.
Submitted by sickandtired on
“He is a gaming addict and spends every night gaming, 6 to 8 hours a night. He has caused me to feel unwanted, unloved, rejected and he`s getting very rude and verbally aggressive when angry. “
Its only been 8 months and he’s broken up with you 10 times???? You need to ask yourself why on earth would you let anyone treat you so badly? You can’t fix ADHD. You can walk away, and find someone normal. Do it for your own mental health and well-being. My ADHD ex was not like this until years into our relationship. I left him after 10 years of putting up with the verbal abuse, angry outbursts, and suicide threats. I realized that having a good relationship is NOT like buying a fixer-upper house. An ADHD person is not a project. They make horrible mates because they only think of themselves. You may think you love him, but you are focusing on how he was the first three months. That was his hyper focus stage in your relationship, but that has passed forever, and he will progressively treat you worse and worse.
Do yourself a favor and get out now. He is obviously very unstable and selfish. And please learn from my wasting of 10 years trying to help a person like this... he will only get worse.
Thank you
Submitted by Simona292 on
Thank you for your time to kindly reply to my post. Indeed it`s been an emotional rollercoaster (for both, but mainly myself). I do understand that I developed my own frustrations during the relationship by him not being present, not communicating, being late most of the time. Even after a breakup, when we agree to talk about it, we cannot come to a common ground. He is a joyful person most of the time, he loves children, but this doesn`t cover up for the emotional abuse I have to take.
What are you clinging to?
Submitted by adhd32 on
3 months were good and now you have invested an additional 5 months trying to recapture the hyperfocus. The glow of your early relationship has worn off for him, it was just temporary. He is showing you who really he is. You cannot change him. Believe what you see and move on.
Thank you
Submitted by Simona292 on
Thank you for your kind reply, @adhd32
HappyADHD is temporary; RageADHD is forever
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
As adhd32 describes you fell in love with the person you knew the first three months. This corresponds to the 'hyperfocus' phase of an ADHDer's relationship. Everything he seemed to do was about you and your shared interest in him. I'll call this the 'HappyADHDer'. You want this person back (but he is gone forever.) You may see glimmers of this person in the coming years (often when he is attempting to manipulate you into doing something he wants) but they are fleeting. Who you see now and the inherent behaviors that you abhor will only deepen and become more pronounced as you try to 'fix' him. I call this the 'RageADHDer'. You are not married and do not have children. You can find someone else who is not mentally ill. (I know 'that is easy to say from a distance' and that you 'love him deeply' but many people on this site share the decades-long experiences of raising a family when one of the spouses has ADHD. It is painful but it can and will get worse as more expected responsibilities pile up. Most often find all those responsibilities fall on you as the ADHD-spouse shirks these 'real life' issues completely. Cut your losses.)
I can only tell you what I would be doing if I was him...
Submitted by c ur self on
If I was him, and I was breaking up and blocking you, I would be conditioning you, (gaslighting) in order to use you for my benefit....I would be conditioning you to keep you walking on eggshells, and know that I will always have an excuse for everything I do...And that you will always be to blame for any conflict we have....Your conflict has been about unacceptable behavior, and unacceptable behavior will always be unacceptable behavior! (No matter why)...Stop the crawling back, is my advice...You seem to be asking for a life time of abuse....
Oh, the reason he want communicate about these things is because it would force him to OWN his behaviors....That would go directly against his efforts,,,For him to stay innocent, he must never own it....Denial allows him to blame you....Many of us, have lived with this reality (no ownership, no real communication about real life issues) for years....
Best wishes
c