Hi there, I am 40-something male with inattentive ADHD. I have suspected my whole life that I have it but was only diagnosed about a year ago. That said, my non-ADHD wife and I (together 18 years, married 14) have long struggled greatly with issues related to my ADHD. The elements described in the ADHD Effect in Marriage and Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD books resonate very deeply for me---the parent-child paradigm, symptom-response-response, indecisiveness, fighting, sexual issues, etc.--places where my unstructured brain and fear of doing the wrong thing and my wife's yearning for order and structure and reliability collide.
I could go in more detail there but the real issue is that all of this leads to extreme anger from my wife. She gets so upset that I am not able to hold up my end of the bargain, that I'm not able to make and then sustain changes, that I leave so many of the decisions to her, etc. etc. I hear her anger as admonitions (which let's face it, they are), I cannot handle her anger (some of the stuff is really mean), and it causes me to snap back, and then the cycle deepens until we're all worn out. I would render a guess that this happens about once a month.
Most recently, we had a really good stretch, as I'm trying to get a handle on my ADHD (although for a variety of reasons ADHD medicine hasn't been able to work yet, so it's going slow) and she's been extraordinarily patient with it. Then yesterday she got upset because I misunderstood something. Then I forgot something. And I did some regressive things like wait for her approval on stuff. Then we had a failed attempt at sex (where all this stuff came into play), and that exacerbated both of our feelings.
I am in need for any advice on how I can adequately deal with her anger. I know that she is angry and honest to God I understand why as well. I also totally know that snapping back at her, or getting defensive, or completely shutting down, are very unhelpful ways to deal with it. But when she says something mean to me because of how deeply angry she is, I can only take so much. How do I take care of myself while also giving her the room to be angry? How do I do that without completely shutting down, and while continuing to be taking care of (and being kind to) myself? Thank you for any thoughts you might have.
Anger often comes from trampled boundaries
Submitted by forfolk on
I'm not usually an angry person, and throughout my life I was more criticized for suppressing anger than for showing it, but at a point when I was finally feeling safe with my ADHD partner, I had the experience of expressing frustration that his assumptions about something very important to me seemed to be dismissive, and I was shocked by the rapid metamorphosis of my partner as he snapped out in rage with hateful, defensive generalizations disrespecting me followed by a lengthy time during which he seemed to be attempting to punish my anger by stonewalling.
The relationship experts of the Gottman lab dramatically call these types of responses "horsemen of the apocalypse". My therapist reminded me of the biblical principle "be angry, but sin not", pointing out that there is absolutely nothing wrong with expressing anger, but a great deal of damage can be done by escalating it through the use of these "horsemen of the apocalypse" such as defensive rage and stonewalling.
The therapist also pointed out that when a person feels angry, it's often because a boundary important to them has been trampled. For example, a boundary your wife may have that she feels is important is that you would be reliable, and she has been angered by seeing that overrun. You can't help over running this boundary occasionally, you note, so the best thing that you can do in response to her anger is to reassure her that you really love her and you know the boundary is important to her, and you are trying to maintain it even though you fail sometimes; we are all only human, and this may take a lot of practice, but validating that you can see it's important to her, and that you love her will go a long way toward repair.
Hello...
Submitted by c ur self on
This is a very good post...Very descriptive, and I would consider it a typical snapshot of most adhd/non minds attempting to relate as spouses day to day...First I would like to say, i totally feel for you both...My wife is basically you, and I would be your wife...I'm just going to throw out some thoughts based on your comments, and our past learning experience's...I got angry for this reason, I did not understand the sufferings "reality" of an unstructured add brain...I looked through eye's (mind) that said to myself...(raised this way also)...Just do right things, and do them as planned, timely as planned, and never make an excuse for not taking care of my responsibilities...Or I am wrong!...Life is just a series of choices, that I had no problem controlling for the most part, barring unforeseen emergencies...It took me years to come to grips with the reality of our huge differences...The only way my anger was cooled was total acceptance of our different realities, and boundaries to protect each of us from each other....It's kind of like starting over...You are and adult....She's an adult...Think about life as being alone....How would you live day to day alone?...She also...You and your spouse need to answer these questions...What is possible for us to share in, and Peace and love between us be shared?? There are many things in this life my wife and I can't share in (like many couples who think a like) and have unity and peace between us...Simply because of how our minds work, and what we feel is right in life....Some of it is add, and some of it personality, and some of it is just convictions we honor....Your wife, me, and many here get angry because we see your abilities, your intelligence, but we can't see the black holes, the short term memory loss, we can't feel the busyness and distractions you are battling....Unless! We stop attempting to think for you, and just accept the reality we see you living out....
The truth that is evident when reading your post, my posts, and the hundred of thousands of posts I've read over the past 9 years on this forum is this....Most adder's are best suited for single living...They do not communicate well, they do not tolerate the mundane of everyday life well, they struggle (in mind) in so many ways that a life partner needs to be able to depend upon....Hyper focus, dependencies, abandonment etc...These things can't persecute a spouse if your living alone....What is normal for my wife does not translate to interdependence...Only independence....Normal minded relationships need, 2 being interdependent, 2 being accountable, 2 being responsible daily....These things have to go...Mothering, enabling, using for self gratification....What has to take it's place is...Adult ownership...Her anger...Your inattention and not following through...
Until she can respect you and your mind's reality as being the fact of how your life will be lived out, then she will always be emotionally troubled...Peace is always lost when we attempt to think for each other....I dearly love my wife...But, there are area's of life that to trust her is only self inflicted sufferings....Love has zero to do w/ trust...I may trust she is committed, but, I will never trust she is cable to of having follow through, short term memory. I will never trust she will change from what she has shown me in mind and behavior for 15 years....I know what I can share in w/ her....And I know when to hug, and tell her to be careful...If you want peace with your wife...Own your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors ( meds want change them)...She will have to do the same....Her anger is hers, just like mine was/is mine...Discuss boundaries, I would suggest a reputable counselor, it's so difficult to see ourselves, you didn't get here over night, and you want be free of it over night....
Our love is worth the work...Life is to short for unrest and arguments to rule our relationships....Find out what is truly possible and work from there....You wife needs boundaries, so she will stop depending on you in the area's you can't be trusted to be dependable....You also need boundaries like I have....To walk away from conversation attempts that you know will only lead to conflict....
Bless you friend, I will pray for you both...
c