Me (28 year old female) and my partner (27 year old female) have been together for 6 years. She got diagnosed with ADD a few months ago and began medicine. A little background on us. As soon as we moved in together it was clear that something was different, she wasn't able to concentrate, get things done around the house and i pretty much was left to handle all the house hold duties. Me being a full time student and her working full time, I tried not to complain so much since I had a little more free time than her. It began to bug me and of course we started the cycle of me resenting her and mentally checking out of the relationship, following with her some what doing the same. About a month ago we got into an argument and I threatened to leave, she cried and said she didn't want to lose me and wanted to try therapy if I agreed. I told her if she made the appointment then I would go. She never did. Two weeks ago we had got into a fight because she came back home from her business trip acting very different. The same weekend of her business trip was the time when I had an AH HA moment, realizing I did want to try, therapy, rekindling the romance, and anything else to keep our relationship afloat. When she returned from the business trip acting different I confronted her about it. She denied anything was wrong, I gave her multiplet times to tell the truth and just be honest. A few days past and I just asked her " are you cheating on me?". She said no, then I told her that I wasn't stupid I know something going on. She then said she heavily flirted with someone while at the business event to the point where they felt comfortable enough to ask her out on a date. She said she realized it was wrong and shut them down and ended contact. I cried hard because one thing we had in our relationship was trust 100% trust and that was broken. I said I was leaving, when really I walked miles just to get my thoughts together. When returning home she called me to tell me she had left since I left and that she thought we needed some time apart or separation. I love her and she is everything I've ever wanted in a partner. I agree that all these years of fighting, we both deserve a little space but I can't help but feel she just wants to explore these new feelings. A week before she loved me and wanted to work things out, now after her flirt session she wants space and blames me entirely for not attending to her needs. What do I do?? To me, 6 years is a marriage, and I don't want to lose my marriage. Any advice???
ADHD partner emotionally cheated now wants time apart to figure things out
Submitted by Romana on 11/10/2013.
Pressuring won't work
Submitted by sunlight on
I think you have to wait. By all means keep the lines of communication open (supposing she allows) and explain to her that you recognize that her ADHD does mean that the pressure of job+housework etc is harder for her to deal with than it probably is for you. Maybe she does just need some down-time and for whatever reason felt she couldn't get it at home, however if she does want some freedom from the relationship then there isn't much you can do about it. But you CAN concentrate on keeping *your* own life going and showing her that you are still the person she fell in love with at the beginning. Actually expressing to her that you're falling apart would probably make her feel more overwhelmed and maybe even guilty, leading to her pulling away further because her ADHD might mean she has great difficulty coping with the emotions that brings out in her (guilt, shame, failure). What do you think? Does anything here make sense?
This makes a lot of sense
Submitted by Romana on
Yes sunlight this makes a lot of sense. I've been giving her space and trying to keep things positive when we do talk. I understand that she needs space because I think we both deserve that but I to agree that lines of communications should be kept open. I think shes frustrated right now. She agreed to read "The adhd effect on marriage" and Im hoping she is doing that. I've read it cover to cover over the past week and I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and possible solutions. I'm hoping she gets to the same place that I am. I was where she is a few months back, ready to leave, hopeless and wanting to call it off but I recently had an AH-HA moment and felt really good about it. Shes previously been the one walking me off the ledge and I feel like the tables have turned. But I do agree with continuing making positive changes in my life. I just don't want to give up on us and give a true honest try.