12 months ago I spoke with a friend who was diagnosed with ADHD, we spoke about his symptoms and it all made sense, maybe I had this mystical ADHD thing. Of my own volition, I seeked out a psychiatrist and was soon diagnosed. I seem to recall my wife was against me 'wasting the money', mainly because she was just as clueless about ADHD as I was - before that, I really had no idea about ADHD symptoms at all, I was clueless that I had it. - mainly my sense of underachievement was my reason to get officially diagnosed.
Prior to diagnosise my marriage wasn't great, we had had relationship counselling a few times, which neither of us really stuck to the advice from. But I really didn't think that ADHD had played a huge role in our problems - my coping mechanism was to create lots of systems to manage everything. Our life was already full of to-do lists, whiteboards, post-its, shared calendars, reminders, multiple banking accounts with limited money in each, the lengthy sit-downs to plan our weeks, months and years ahead. My wife was admittedly sick of my 'over planning' and it was cause for a LOT of arguments....
We also had problems over the years with my impulsivity - when we were younger it was occasional binge drinking, but in my older, fathering years, it's more been about deciding to stay up late with my son to play games or spoiling him with new toys, or blowing the shopping budget and getting lots of high-quality foods (in my defense, I used to be a chef, I think this is less an impulse and just a preference).
So when I got diagnosed, I was like "Holy crap, HOLY CRAP!" - I was just doing all of what I was doing, what I was making us do, that was just my brain's way of coping! For me, it was cause for celebration, the more I read, the more I realised that I was doing most of what was recommended - and now I could narrow in on how I could make my wife OK with my annoying habits and we would be the happiest, most loving, collaborative and most productive family in the world!
But my wife has gone the other way... she has gone into a deep state of depression, anxiety and is angry at not just me, but at friends, family & life.
She is obviously dealing with grief - but instead of sharing that with me, communicating with me, she has steadily cut down our communication, our collaboration and our joint decision making. She's gone into full recluse - she decided one night a few months ago she wasn't going to sleep in the same bed anymore, and in the past 4 weeks, she wont even talk with me - we are strictly on a text message communications.
the problem here: In my mind (and according to my psychiatrist and ADHD coach), I have dealt with all of the ADHD symptoms I am aware of that affect our marriage.
But according to my wife, I am broken still and my ADHD is the "cause of every single problem that we have or ever had" - she told me those exact words only a few hours ago, right after she told me that I am doing nothing to treat my ADHD, that I need to up my medication (I am on a very high dose and I am already booked in to see the Dr again..), and that if I "died right now she wouldn't care"
I REALLY don't know what to do anymore - I am doing everything I can in the physiological and behavioural legs (Mel's 3 leg stool anaology), but I am 100% flying blind on the interactions leg - I do not know what I am doing that is causing this kind of anger response, I have no way to communicate, and I am seriously sick of the angry bursts from her, and the threats to get a divorce...
the only response I get when I ask her what I need to be doing is "Fix your ADHD" or "Stop denying your ADHD is the problem"
We've done the ADHD couples seminar, we've had Melissa tell my wife point blank "you need to control your anger response" and "the stool only stands up if there's three legs" - but my wife STILL turns around to me and says things like "you are the reason for my anger, nothing else" or "I will only talk to you when I see you are taking steps to improve your ADHD"
Even when it came to doing the seminar and activities, she refused to collaboratate - the only thing she gave me during the whole program was a few lines in a text: "your symptoms to fix: Impulsivity, Inability to prioritise, Inability to deal with stress"
- No suggestions on HOW to improve
- Just forcing me to get more drugs - not suggesting how that might help
- No longer communicating with me or giving me any feedback (unless it's in an angry outbursts about increasingly petty things, or where we have a difference of opinion eg. the order in which to prepare a meal)
I love my wife, but she's in a dark place - she's either gaslighting me, or I am a total nutcase and really don't realise the shit that I do to her - in which case, I am still flying blind. None of my friends, family or people close can suggest what I am "supposed" to fix, and she's told them point blank to stay out of it. We're seeing an ADHD specialist couples counsellor, I really hope this will improve things - but it feels like too little, too late... either way, I am almost certain that my wife is not going to get any treatment for herself (she refused to get proper treatment for post-natal, I don't see why treating her anger is going to be any different).
Sure, there's two sides to the story - but getting my diagnosis was the worst thing that ever happened to me -
My stool is lying flat on the ground here - seriously feeling trapped and considering filing for a seperation. I really wish my wife would see the story from my side.
PS - we live a really fulfilled life, and we've built it around most of her goals - we have her family living with us who we emigrated here from overseas (at our joint expense), we have our dream home, our son is healthy and happy, and she has a very succesful career that allows her a lot of flexibility (and me too)... she's not been enjoying life for a long time, ADHD just feels like the best thing for her to blame.
bah....
Diagnosis
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I'm so sorry to read that your life has worsened post-diagnosis. I have no idea if this is the case for you, but I know with my ex that my interpretation of how things were going and his were very different. And even though I felt I was saying in plain words what I needed (I need you to do more around the house, I need you to take half the cooking, I need you to participate in parenting, I need you to get a job), he still seemed to think that everything was okay. Or he'd rationalize those things in his brain until he'd convinced himself he'd done his part ("I took out the garbage this week" / "I brought take out when she asked" / "I looked at a job board."). In his mind, he was doing enough, but I will still going crazy doing all the housework, parenting, cooking and working. It doesn't sound like that's what's going on for you, but I thought I would mention it in case your idea of a marriage that's working well is different from hers. That said, she has to tell you what's wrong for you to address it. Maybe the problems your wife has will emerge more concretely in couples counseling.
Melody has some good points
Submitted by Dagmar on
Your wife could totally be gaslighting you, without hearing from her, there's no way to be sure.
But in my situation, my ADHD spouse, medicated or not, will do really great at something and then decide that he has made all the changes to be successful and totally stop everything he was doing, thinking that he was doing so well that he could go on autopilot. Then all the typical ADHD mistakes become "it was just once," when I point them out. And since his meds keep him on task at work, he comes home when they wear off, so he only sees me as being frustrated and not that I'm still bearing the brunt of his complacency.
If that's not what's going on, she could also still be really angry about things that happened in the past. My spouse is like a goldfish. He doesn't remember most of what has happened and the version he does have is through rose-colored glasses. I want him to acknowledge what happened and how it affected me and my life choices and tell me what he was thinking then so that I know he won't take me back to that place, and he thinks I'm still living in the past. But I need to know that it's in the past! Our whole relationship has been me having enough, then him hyper-focusing on me, fixing things, then falling back into old routines. I have no way of knowing if this is what's happening and I need to be careful or if he's actually changed. And some of the things he did, seemed like nothing to him at the time, but were hugely life-changing to me. I lost my entire career after I took a job at a school so he could finish his last 18 months of classes for free. Seven years later, he finally graduated and the industry I had been in had changed so much, I can't ever go back. He just doesn't get how my not being able to go back was his fault. (I was a publicist. Between 2005-2012, smart phones and social media changed everything. That's already a young person's career, I'd be toast.)
I recognize what Melody is saying...
Submitted by ealric on
I'm new here, "may" have ADHD, and am doing a good amount of research. I recognize what Melody is saying about her ex, but the recognition is about me. My wife (most likely soon ex-wife, unfortunately), would always complain that I wasn't doing enough. I'd be in the same room as her and child, but not really "present" all the time. I would also get addicted to things -- politics on Twitter, video games, general reading, etc., instead of being really present with the family. She brought to my attention that my child wanted involvement with me, which was a wake-up call. I have done great on that, but not with my wife. She just pulled away not long after she lost two friends to cancer, and we are now separated. She won't engage with me for long.
I often would do things like Melody's ex, but then again, often did more. I would take out the trash regularly, along with recycles. I would clean the kitchen sink and countertops, I would mind the dish-washer, I would keep the filtered water pitcher filled. I felt that those things, along with paying bills and doing my own laundry along with all of our towels would be mostly enough. But, it never was. She would complain that I stayed up late, drinking and playing video games (rightfully so, I admit), and then get up a bit too late to truly help with the dog and the prep in the morning for our son.
Now that we're separated, I have to do those tasks on my own when our child is staying with us. I found that it's actually not all that time consuming at all -- I can get him up, get the dog fed and walked, make quick breakfast for child, get child to brush teeth, pick out clothes and shepherd child into said clothes and then get child to bus stop -- sometimes even making time for a shower for myself -- all in about 40 minutes without really breaking a sweat. Granted, it's not leisurely but not that hard.
I can't tell if she was just resentful for some unknown reason and making up excuses as to why to be mad at me, or if it's solely b/c of me and my bad habits/traits.
Again, I suspect I do have some higher-functioning ADHD, but need to be diagnosed to be sure. But, it almost seems like she does as well.
Sorry if I really wandered in this response -- I have a ton on my mind right now b/c of this separation/divorce along with regular life stuff and all this research about ADHD and also about marriage separation. I'm so overwhelmed, but pushing on as hard as I can...
In the same shoe with you all....
Submitted by GNHaa982 on
Hello,
I am new to this forum, and I joined yesterday. I can relate to all of you. I am on the brink of a possible divorce with my wife. I am doing everything i can do to fight tooth and nails to save my marriage with my wife. We met in 2016, and got married in 2019.
I was diagnosed as a child. I was off medication from 2006 to 2019. I had to be on medication again for fast pacing job, now i dont work for fast pacing job anymore. I have a stable job and I am doing great.
I left her twice, (Early 2020 - COVID Pandemic and Dec. '21), COVID Pandemic was a huge mess and my wife's work was closed for 3 months, and she is a hair stylist and I was working at home that time. She blew up at me and throwing stuffs at me, and screaming at me. I asked her to wait when I am done with work at end of the day to take the vanity light off the wall in the half bathroom. She didn't want to wait, and blamed me for saying to her "No, no. or putting her down". We do have occasional arguments including nasty words, blow ups at me, bringing up "D" word over over, and name callings. The whole time, I thought, "What is her problems? What does she want from me? I am not doing enough for her around the house. She is doing everything and doing more than I do." Impulsive - I would buy big things without talking to her first. She got very angry with me when I got the truck without talking to her first and taking time. I wish i never got the truck. Same with me for leaving her in Dec.'21, not taking my time to think thoroughly with my wife to talk about the arguments. I was still fuming inside myself for a month and kept asking why "D" over over. We were separated for almost a year, i moved back in with her in June 2021. I thought it was getting better with my wife, and I started seeing same patterns. I left her in Dec. '21 due to the nasty argument with her in Nov. '21(where she called me names and bring up "D" and it struck me thinking, "Does she really want a divorce? and It has stay stuck in my ADHD brain" when i forgot about her one year anniversary as business owner at her Salon, it was my fault and i regret it everyday. I was hyper-focused with work and was mediated with Adderall XR. It led me to ignore her 85% of the time when she tried to communicate with me on her days off, and tried to express to me or share her thoughts with me. I would shut out on her and ignore her all the time. I gave her excuses like, I'm too busy with work or I am too tired to talk to you. She get very angry and fed up with me. Now I know why I left her, I didn't leave her. I left myself to hide the ADHD issues because I was too embarrassed to know ADHD was the cause of the marriage struggle.
We did couple therapy in 2020, we talked about ADHD, at that time, I didn't really care about it. I thought it was just for attention problem. I was very WRONG! I regret it every day. I wish I learn more about it almost two years ago! I am still seeing my therapist every week. and same goes for my wife too.
I am still talking to her and she has been telling me more lately about my ADHD, what I was doing wrong, why I kept ignoring her, and impulsive. Everything she has said to me has opened my eyes BIG TIME! She is still on the fence and is afraid I will leave her again. I cannot lose my wife, and I cannot imagine my life without her. She's everything I love about her and she is all I want.
Again, I can totally relate with you guys. It is always good to start recognizing your own ADHD behaviors toward to your spouse and work with your spouse on how to set boundaries and rules.
Any tips or advice on how to save the marriage and how to set goals,.