I recently finished reading "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" and have been searching the forums as well to learn more about ADHD and parenting. I haven't found a similar experience to mine, so maybe it has little to do with ADHD, but I'll put it out there in the hopes someone has dealt with it and found some solutions.
My husband has not been formerly diagnosed with ADHD, but has all the symptoms and his childhood report cards certainly show he has had them for a while. He functions extremely well though - has kept an excellent full time job for over 15 years, very careful with finances (though paying bills has become my job since we got married - he tends to lose paperwork) and has lots of tricks to ensure he is never late for appointments, meetings, etc.
The problems in our marriage started when our first child was born 3 years ago. It really bothered my husband when our son cried (which he didn't do all that much - he wasn't a colicky baby) and he had little patience for spending time with a baby. However, it wasn't too difficult for me to do most of the caregiving for our son, even after I went back to my full time job when he was a year old. I did find most of my free time and hobbies starting to disappear though.
My husband really wanted a second child though I wasn't sure we could handle it, but when my husband seemed to get more involved when our son was 2, we got pregnant again and now have a 5 month old. A few months before our daughter was born, my husband's stress level seemed to skyrocket (more drinking, smoking again). Now, things are really difficult. My husband does not have the patience for things like waiting for our son to use the potty before a meal or bath time. Our son has really started backsliding in his potty training because of this (starting to want to be in diapers all the time again). My husband also does not have the patience to sit at the table while my son and I finish eating. He eats quickly and heads off to the TV room, while I sit with my son (and our 5 month old in her bouncer chair) until he is done. My son is starting to think if he doesn't feel like eating he can just leave the table, and tried to do this at his grandparents place, much to their surprise.. My husband rarely holds our daughter and will only spend time with our son if it is in front of the TV. I have taken to doing both of their bedtimes, which can be a real balancing act.
So my question: Is this level of disinterest normal for someone with ADHD? And are their tricks to get him more tuned into parenting? I am worried about the long term effects this may have on our kids and frankly, I am also exhausted.
This is my father. He has so
Submitted by smilingagain on
This is my father. He has so much more time and attention for me now that he is in his 60s. My mother said that she kept telling my dad that we weren't going to in the house forever and he was going to miss it. That's kind of how it was too. After we all moved out, my dad was bereft.
I'm sure how to help you. I relate because the division of parenting is similar in my situation. But my husband hyper focuses on the kids- but he focuses on camping and skiing and sword fighting and super heroes and cool stuff! I get to deal with everything else. I have to enforce all the boundaries. Or at least I did.
The good news is that my husband is now diagnosed and medicated and there has been a massive difference in his behavior. I recommend you get your husband to consider an assessment . It would benefit him.
Good luck and hang in there! Two kids puts a big strain on any marriage- particularly when they are little. Taking care of an infant is demanding and tiring. Take some breaks, where your husband watches both kids and you go out. He needs to know what you do and learn how to do some of it.
Thank you smilingagain!
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
Thanks so much for your comments! Your feedback was spot on to what my therapist and I discussed - how the kids would only be young once and my husband would one day be upset that he missed this time. I don't want him to miss it and I don't want to be so stressed about things that I can't enjoy it! I am seeing a counselor because I originally wanted to go to couples counselling with my husband when our daughter was first born, but he is very wary of doctors, dentists, therapists, etc. But I can see now he desperately needs it.
Reading Melissa's book helped me realize I can't make him get help (it was actually a relief to realize that) so I am doing my best now to open the lines of communication using the tips in the book. My therapist also suggested I leave him with the kids and get out both for myself and so he can see what it's like, but he refuses to be with them both by himself. He is even uncomfortable watching both of them while I am in the house doing something else. I think part of the problem is my daughter is so young and I am nursing, so he feels he can't sooth her if needed (though I would of course leave him with a bottle and milk). But to be honest, he gets pretty impatient with our son if he's upset too. I'm not sure where to go with this, hoping someone has a similar experieince.
ADHD first?
Submitted by sunlight on
I'm not sure it's helpful to push the kids on him while he is clearly reluctant and feeling that he can't cope, he will probably end up getting angry at them. He probably feels that young children are completely unpredictable and that he has no idea what to do while he sees you seemingly wondering why he won't "just do it". Nor will the ADHD allow him to stay interested or focussed long enough to be able to watch them for any time. Perhaps he's one of those men with no maternal instinct (yes I do mean maternal), but that's hard to know while he is seemingly in overload. You describe him as coping up until a certain point then his stress levels increased. I really think you ought to consider addressing the ADHD first and in my opinion that means a psychiatrist not therapist (a therapist cannot address his brain chemistry issues and without that talking to him is probably useless - assuming he really does have ADHD).
"I'm not sure it's helpful to
Submitted by smilingagain on
"I'm not sure it's helpful to push the kids on him while he is clearly reluctant and feeling that he can't cope, he will probably end up getting angry at them."
My recommendation about leaving him with the kids needs to be qualified I guess. I am suggesting that here and there you schedule things that necessitate that he watch the kid while you are out for a short period of time (60-90 minutes max to start). Things like dental appointments or therapy appointments... If you leave him with the kids for short periods where you are not in the house to assist, he has to step up. I don't advise telling him that this is deliberate (done so that he can see what you deal with) as that would only set him on the defensive and cause more conflict.
But I do think it's important for your husband to have that experience and for you to have a break here and there. I know it's not ideal and the first few times it may be that you come home to two crying kids and an angry, sulky husband... but what's the alternative? You continue to do everything. He continues to put his head in the sand. You two continue to fight and the marriage gets rockier and rockier. I don't think buffering your husband from any parental responsibility will prevent problems. I think it might actually exacerbate them because your level of exhaustion and resentment will only increase as this situation continues. This won't assist you in getting him to acknowledge the situation and his role in it, or in building his level of confidence and capability in handling the kids. I think it's a recipe for continued unhappiness in the marriage. Obviously if you have any serious concerns about your husband watching the kids relating to their safety and well-being- then don't leave them with him!
This is a TOUGH situation. Lots of men (ADHD and non-ADHD) struggle with feeling comfortable handling two small children. the ADHD does make it harder, I'll admit. But if you are wanting to change the dynamic, there is no point in waiting for a day that may never come and fortifying bad patterns in an attempt to not make waves.
I agree with sunlight that the ADHD should be addressed first- (ie- before you go to couples counselling or before you expect him to be an equal partner with parenting the kids). But that doesn't mean you can't start creating opportunities for your husband to start learning how to take care of the kids and developing insight into all that you do. The big thing is not to frame your outings as a punishment to him or as something discretionary you are doing to teach him. Don't frame it that way. Frame it as an appointment you have that requires your attendance and that requires him to cover you at home. When you come home, thank him for the help and praise anything good he did. Ignore the bad or imperfect (unless it's egregious). this will help build up good will, understanding and hopefully his confidence level.
If your husband gets a sense of what you are dealing with, that lays good groundwork for future discussions you can have when his symptoms are better-managed... about how you would like things to change vis-a-vis the parental duties and division of labour.
I wish I had better advice. Hang in there. It's very worthwhile for the kids, even if you feel like that's the only reason it's worthwhile at this point.
hugs!
I can see what you mean also
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
Smilingagain - Right now, I've been leaving the kids with my parents when I go to appointments. Our situation is going to change though, in that I'm home for a year long maternity leave (common where I live), but will go back to work when my daughter is 1. So right now I'm coping only through the help of my parents, which I sort of wonder if it is enabling him. Next year, though, with the kids in daycare, I will most likely end up scheduling appointments when they are at daycare, so either way, I can get around him needing to watch the kids for this. However, I would like to get back to some of my hobbies like playing soccer and that would require him watching the kids. I understand your point about not buffering him because this will not help in the long term, but I can also see the ADHD needs to be addressed before he can comfortably watch the kids... or anxiety if that is what it is. I'm not sure, but know a diagnosis would go a long way to help me here. I'm stuck in limbo I think until he's willing to acknowledge that something needs to change (though my worry is that he's probably pretty happy with the status quo and sees no need to get help...which is why I'm now heading more towards building up my personal boundaries and heading towards an ultimatum).
I see what you mean
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
Thanks for your feedback! That's exactly what I'm worried about - that he just can't cope and the kids will be the recipients. Is unpredictable behaviour something difficult for those with ADHD? Because he does seem to get thrown off when he can't figure out crying. And he does have all these patterns in place in his life that I'm beginning to realize are to make things more predictable. But I also wondered about the comment about lack of maternal instincts and about whether or not he really had ADHD, since I have heard from other women that their husbands just can't watch the kids and as far as I know these husbands don't have ADHD. I know right now the most important thing would be to get him diagnosed, but I can't force him to do it and he hasn't even been to a doctor in 6 years.
I have a similar situation
Submitted by MFrances on
I have a similar situation but I don't have any advice for you because I would love some for myself. I know I've read that people with ADHD can be bad parents. But on these forums there have been posts about spouses that are great parents and some who have had an ADHD parent growing up and was a good parent. I don't know. I think some people are just not cut out for it and others are. I did not have a close relationship with my dad growing up (he didn't have ADHD)-he did things with us-fun things. But we didn't have any kind of deep conversations. To this day we are not close-we get along and see each other on holidays and such but it's all superficial. I worry for my own kids that they will not have a close relationship with their. The stress of newly being married and having kids certainly can make the ADHD harder to control. You know how much routines change when a baby is born, then it changes again once they are older, then again when a new baby comes, and on and on. If your husband had all these strategies in place before the kids, they all got blown up when the kids were born and he just can't make up new routines. I wish I had advice for you but hopefully it helps to know that others are in the same situation.
Thank you, panda. It is nice
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
Thank you, panda. It is nice to know I'm not alone in this, but it definitely doesn't make it any easier for any of us. I'm actually at my breaking point now and will be posting a question about giving my husband an ultimatum about getting help, as the parenting issues are starting to affect our oldest child.
this
Submitted by lauren07 on
THIS is a big reason I lost interest in my husband. He was a disinterested parent starting with the pregnancy THAT HE WANTED even more than me. He said stupid, inappropriate things right after the birth and while I was recuperating. He forgot how to change a diaper and I had to get up and do it.....my tailbone was very broke. He rarely held the baby and acted scared of the very minimal spit-up.
If he did hold him, yes, it was in front of the tv. Three years later, this hasn't changed.
The worst part is that his job frequently sent him away for weeks or months at a time. He'd whine and cry about missing his son, but nothing would change when he got back. Repeat ad nauseum..... He's up north now and I'm south.
I'm still angry as heck about it. I wouldn't have another child with him, but when people would ask us, he would have the NERVE to say something like "no more kids because the pregnancy was hard on him". Hard on him? I bled, was on two months of bedrest, and had a horrible birth that took many months to recuperate from. After about the third time hearing him say that to someone, I finally told him we weren't having anymore because I didn't want anymore with him. It barely phased him. I guess he was focused elsewhere. He didn't spend any time at all with him before he moved back up north, KNOWING he wouldn't see him for over four months. Yet, he is always texting about missing him. Makes me sick!!
On a positive note, I'm hoping with increasing age, my son will be able to force him to do things with him.
Thank you for sharing your
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
Thank you for sharing your experience, Lauren. I've read some of your other posts and the relief you felt after separating from your husband and am wondering if I will feel the same if it comes to this. Did you ever give your husband an ultimatum about changes in behaviour, getting help, etc. or you would leave? That's where I'm at now and desperately need a way to do it so I don't antagonize him and make the situation hostile. My husband just keeps refusing to go to a doctor or to join me for marital counselling and nothing is getting better.
I am beyond relieved, but
Submitted by lauren07 on
I am beyond relieved, but unfortunately, I still have to parent with him. I had a nightmare last night that he was staying at my house. The bathroom was covered in his body hair and the shower head was turned backwards. LOL! I was so mad in my dream and even in the dream, he bucked the blame. I ended up screaming for him to get out of my house.
I started asking my husband for changes in late 2012. I had no idea about adhd. My husband would change for a few days, then go back to normal. This went on until I lost complete trust that he'd ever change. I couldn't take his words seriously because his actions didn't back them up.
Early 2013 is when I caught on to add. I was so relieved. I cried from relief. I cried to him when I suggested it. I couldnt wait for him to get help. Well, he got a counselor and depression meds, but no adhd meds. He used adhd as an excuse, just a valid thing to blame instead of trying to do better.
He was always provoking fights while I started shutting down to prevent fights. The day before he asked me to leave, he lamented that I was going to take his kid from him. I was working two jobs and doing EVERYTHING and trying to stay.
Selfish, immature, always a martyr.........I can't build a life with that.
I don't love him anymore. I never would again. I can't trust him. If he started taking meds and getting good counseling, I'd get along with him better, but I wouldn't trust him to keep it up long term.
Good luck...
By the way, mine was all
Submitted by lauren07 on
By the way, mine was all about counseling and saving his marriage, but he wanted someone else to fix it. He wasn't willing to put in the work.