New here and this is my first post...
I am a non- ADHD spouse and have been struggling terribly in my marriage the past 5 to 6 years. I have been stuck in a cycle of manipulation by my husband and he has not been willing to address any of it. I believe he is a good person, but he manipulates me, violates my privacy and we do not trust each other. I won’t list all the details...
We’ve been to 3 different marriage counselors... I’m working very hard to change my reaction to him; I am now speaking up about things that really bother me and he has not been able to hear it. He would physically leave the room, lose his cool, or find something wrong with me to change the topic. I’ve been dealing with this for about 2 years and this past weekend, we decided to separate. He threatened to leave before,and I was relieved when this happened, but it never did. This time we separated finances and were / are serious. The next day he started telling me he found out about RSD and that explains his behavior his whole life. He sent me several articles on it and wouldn’t stop talking about it for 3 straight days.
He is saying RSD is the problem and is why he says hurtful things to me and it using it to explain his behavior. I am worried that he is using this to suck me back in. I really need space from him. It’s been too many years of this and I’m completely worn out; we have 2 beautiful children and of course I do not want them to get hurt by this.
Anyone out there heard of RSD and how have you dealt with it? Does your ADHD-spouse have it? He started a new medication (Quanfacine) today but we won’t know if it’s going to help for a couple weeks. I’m realizing that this won’t answer why he is so manipulative or at least I don’t see how it could.
Any thoughts will be so greatly appreciated. Than you.
Has He...
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Has your husband been formally evaluated and diagnosed by a professional with experience in treating people with RSD?
I understand what you are saying about not wanting to get sucked in again, and wondering if he is using a self diagnosis of RSD as an excuse...I would feel the same. My ex husband to my knowledge did not have RSD, but was manipulative and verbally abusive. I don't respond well to that sort of behavior, and it sets off red flags because of my past experiences. I've read about folks having success with guanfacine.
He has been diagnosed or
Submitted by ODAAT on
He has been diagnosed or discussed it with his therapist who agreed he did have it and changed his meds to see if it’ll help. Thank you for sharing with me.
RSD
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi JaimeGracie - I am so sorry for the situation and pain you are going through. This is a bit of a knee-jerk reaction to your post, so I just wanted to mention that up front. It sounds like you are finally moving towards a good place for YOU right now. I would be wary of giving that up because he claims he has found the magic explanation for his behavior. You mention that you need space, are relieved when the topic of separation comes up and that you are worn out. All very good reasons to take this break. In this forum, we often talk about learning to listen to our ADHD partner's actions vs. their words. Maybe if your husband worked on fine-tuning meds and modifying his behavior in a measurable way (action), 6 months from now you would have something to talk about. Right now there is no change in him (and there may never be) and that is not good for you.
If you can actually label your husband a manipulator (who you can't trust and who doesn't trust you and who violates your privacy), there may be something more than ADHD or RSD going on (e.g. a personality disorder... worth reading a list of symptoms... try a google search for NPD or BPD just to see if something resonates).
Maybe he is unhappy with the separation or surprised you are willing to go through with it and is looking to reel/manipulate you back in. Maybe he has discovered RSD and is genuinely eager to improve. Either way, he isn't there yet. And that is not good for you.
I would just pay attention to your strong inner voice, no matter what he throws at you right now, and keep doing what is best for YOU (and your children). Your inner voice is sure screaming in your post! "I really need space from him." / "I am worn out." / "This won't answer why he is so manipulative or at least I don't see how it could."
All the best to you in this difficult situation. So glad you came here for support.
Thank you so much. This is
Submitted by ODAAT on
Thank you so much. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with and I know gaining insights from people who are or have been hear will help us.
I totally agree with melody.
Submitted by daizzebelle on
I totally agree with melody. You are exhausted and you feel relieved to have space. Protect yourself and your children. Give him 6 months to *show* you that he is truly changing his behavior. Six months is the minimum.
Hi Jamie!
Submitted by daizzebelle on
I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. I have been married to my husband for over 12 years. He has severe executive function issues. He lost his job in May, and he still has not found a steady job.
He told me several months ago that he thinks he has Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. He could be right about that. I encouraged him to follow up with his therapist. I don't think he did.
Regardless, I've had enough. I am exhausted from 12 years of managing his life for him. I regret that I got sucked into doing that. I wanted a partner. He doesn't want to be a partner, and he doesn't want a partner. He wants to be free of responsibilities, and he wants a mommy and an ATM. He has been content in our marriage for many years with me taking care of everything. Not surprisingly, I ran out of energy as well as time and money. So I decided several years ago to stop taking care of everything. At first he acted more and more incompetent in an effort to get me to rescue him. I did not rescue him, and he has responded by becoming increasingly angry and resentful.
I asked him to move out. He agreed to move out in August but then said he wouldn't leave. So I found a tiny but affordable place, and the girls and I are moving out in 2 weeks.
I feel much lighter and happier now that I am not constantly worrying about whether or not he will: remember to take his meds; follow through on anything and everything from finishing and actually submitting job applications to responding to emails and phone calls to sending out thank you letters after job interviews; remember to go to his medical appointments; remember to pick up our daughter from school; remember to pay the rent; notice when we are getting low on milk and bread and remember to buy it; notice when light bulbs have burned out and remember to buy light bulbs and replace them; the list goes on and on. I am also no longer spending hours researching and reading articles and books trying to figure out the best strategies for him to help manage his symptoms.
I'm not willing to do it anymore, and although I am sad and angry, I feel free. I am not healed yet, but I am free. Hugs to you. Take care of yourself and your children. You deserve respect and happiness ❤
As someone who as part of
Submitted by Sollertiae on
As someone who as part of their premenstrual dysphoric disorder (hormones are bad!) suffers from RSD for two weeks out of every month, I can sympathise with you both. I work damned hard to manage mine, combining medication, mindfulness, taking care to not have sudden stress around that point of time, leaving space in difficult conversations and never, ever writing an email without 24 hours to rest it. My poor partner (with ADHD) is the one who has to normalise things around me, even though sometimes he struggles too.
RSD will cause anger or arguments over what seem like entirely minor things, aggression over nothing at all (ah, the time I decided we were breaking up because he preferred a PILLOW over me. In his sleep. Because that was more logical apparently than asking for a hug), accidental condescension, abruptness, tears, withdrawal and sometimes seeking attention (guess that could be violation of privacy?). It will not cause manipulative behaviours or some of the other things you listed.
He needs to address it for his own sake and anyone else who will engage with him (his children!), but that does not mean you should stay. If you are done, then you are done no matter his self discovery. It won't change the past, nor address your other concerns. Especially given this is going to take years to sort out, and requires the skills that are so very hard for people with ADHD to develop.
The lack of trust is where I suggest u two start....
Submitted by c ur self on
Baggage is something everyone deals with....(some more than others)....What causes lack of trust?....Baggage we accumulate in life, and in our marriages....Things that hasn't been recognized or admitted, or just want go away (stuck in his heart and mind)....
It could be from things before you two (the past)....Have there been affairs? Have there been lies that either of you have been caught in?
A big part of it could just be different realties related to your different views of what should be shared in a marital relationship.....The demand for privacy (free to hide) in a one flesh relationship can also sponsor mistrust....
When the trust issue gets resolved, the manipulation will probably ease up and turn into love and acceptance...
If I lived like my wife, I would definitely be having affairs....or at least be hiding something I was ashamed of....It's just part of her add, she gets off work at 6:00 am...She usually makes it home between 8:30 and 11:00....(It's a 10 minute drive) I use to be like...Where are you? Did u forget where we live?...LOL....When I asked her if she had a boy friend, she would get mad at me that I could even thing such a thing....LOL...Like I said it's just her add....(she can walk in a store, and loose all track of time) And the fact she was single until age 46, she has no convictions that say's "hey your husband who is setting at home, might be wondering if you are OK?..(She is doing some better, the other day I got a two word text at 8:55 or so...It said "Gym, Sams"... She also uses her messy car for her office, she will set for an hour paying bills online without coming in the house...(to distracting in the house, with a TV she wants to watch, and a husband to speak to...LOL......
I was married for 30 years before her....(wife passed way)....My wife and I had trust, we also didn't have secrets, (and the few times we did, something was definitely wrong) no one got insulted or mad when the other inquired about what we had been up to....We were really married...:)
I know manipulation is difficult to deal with...But you can stop it....All you have to do is be nice, be open and approachable, and calmly learn to say No to manipulation attempts....He will learn to trust you....It took me a while....I use to tell her...No one lives like you!...But I was wrong, just read here a while and you will see...People really do live like she does.....So acceptance and trust eventually got here for me....
Hopefully it will for you two also....
c
His self-realization
Submitted by Ardorguy on
I hope his treatment helps. I deal with this with my wife. It's like in our relationship she has a "persecution complex." Even if I say something about another person, she can manage to turn it around into a comment directed at herself, when it was clearly not aimed at her. Her upset-ness like this is so damaging to our marriage and makes me feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells, not knowing what could set her off and spiraling downwards. It seems, at least in our case, that ADHD's have a hard time "objectifying" the world. Everything is always "subjective" somehow. I think it's admirable for him to try the medication. It sounds like it comes from a real willingness and desire to change. Please let us know how it works out. All the best.