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Hello, I'm glad you're here. There are many of us here who have lived this life for a long time. Yes, it is beyond frustrating, and for those of us whose husbands don't take their ADHD seriously, or don't believe it has much to do with relationships are causing untold grief and chaos and extra work for us and our families. Although a LOT of it can be placed on the ADHD, I also think that some of it is the way they've learned to COPE with their lives. They put coping strategies in place early on in their lives, so that the chaos they create doesn't look like it has anything to do with them, or to help them distance themselves from feeling bad about things they can't seem to do as easily as others, I think.
Sometimes my husband makes me so angry and hurt that it became too much for me after so many years. He too, doesn't give compliments to me but expects them FROM me, and then acts surprised when I've asked about this. He's also messy beyond belief, and our house is a giant mess from all his unfinished projects, and throwing stuff everywhere, yet at the same time will fuss at me or our daughters for making a mess (that we always clean up). It's a life of CONSTANT "Do as I say, not as I do", and unbalanced in almost every way. He sees what he does as very important, and what WE do as having little to no meaning. It's been hurtful to our daughters, because he's so inconsistent with love, reward, punishment, because most of it makes no sense whatsoever. We've also had issues with his infidelity, and always needing a new "high" somewhere, but can't seem to ever find joy or happiness with the woman and family he has had. These are issues that HE HIMSELF won't deal with, and won't do anything to look within himself or LEARN about the ADHD other than taking meds for it.
It's been true that couples who learn and work on ADHD issues together have a much better success rate, and can do very well, as Melissa says here on this site. It's just sad that so many men don't believe their ADHD has any impact on their relationships.(women also) Melissa wrote about that here in one of the blogs.
Hi mama2twins, I really get where you're coming from. I felt like an abandoned wife and took on the role of breadwinner, organiser, bill payer, chef, housekeeper and primary caregiver. My husband was absent, distractable and irresponsible. He was also aggressive and threw temper tantrums and became physically threatening. It went on for so long that I stopped seeing him as the nice, fun-loving guy I used to think he was. I started to feel like I was a mother to a stroppy teenager.
My only advice is to set boundaries. I'm in that place now where my husband is on medication and going to counselling. He was initially very resistant. But the relationship isn't going to repair with just you changing your approach. I let my husband know his defensiveness and his rage are not things I will tolerate and I have enforced it. We no longer live together and it is easier being a single mother than having to deal with him as well.
I have let him know that ADHD may affect some aspects of his life, but I won't stand for it being used as an excuse for poor behaviour, like destroying things in rage. He gets help and works hard at gaining control or he moves out. He failed to make those changes and I followed through.
Such a relief to read these posts. I'm going through some soul-searching at the moment and really need some help from strangers who know what it's like to live with an ADHD partner.
My partner was diagnosed with ADHD 5 months ago, and after 7 years of a fractured relationship, I honestly thought following the diagnosis, it was getting better. Some days he is relatively normal, cleans the house, cooks dinner, works on his own projects. But more and more I'm finding that ADHD is the excuse to do nothing, and more anger and depression. No, nothing happens. I am the sole provider for the house, and I come home from work to a mess and, only once I turn up, dinner is cobbled together with whatever can be scratched out of the cupboards. Any time I show frustration - for anything, but always for minor things, washing up, doing the one "us" thing I asked him to do that day, not waking me up, interrupting me, not showering, not feeding pets, not buying petfood, not calling a tradesman about the dishwasher - the frustrating things that are the every day in ADHD land, I get blamed for reacting badly. He says, I said sorry and now you're still going on about it, you can't hear any criticism of yourself. And it escalates with anger and peevishness. I try and remain calm, but am always copping the abusive and blaming end of the debate. I feel it's the same as what you're describing - I feel like the mother of a stroppy teenager. Not only that, I'm in an unequal relationship, where I have to do everything, and can't even ask him to get a job to help with the finances without being made to feel selfish, like I'm asking too much for even suggesting it.
I don't want to disrupt my life by calling an end to this relationship, and like I say, sometime I feel there is hope. But increasingly I feel there is no choice but to leave. ADHD is a daily battle that I've run out of energy for. And so I've gone online to try and reach out to other women in my situation, to find out if there is hope, or if it will always be this constant battle? Hence my question, when do you draw the line?
mama2twins: glad you are here
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Hello, I'm glad you're here. There are many of us here who have lived this life for a long time. Yes, it is beyond frustrating, and for those of us whose husbands don't take their ADHD seriously, or don't believe it has much to do with relationships are causing untold grief and chaos and extra work for us and our families. Although a LOT of it can be placed on the ADHD, I also think that some of it is the way they've learned to COPE with their lives. They put coping strategies in place early on in their lives, so that the chaos they create doesn't look like it has anything to do with them, or to help them distance themselves from feeling bad about things they can't seem to do as easily as others, I think.
Sometimes my husband makes me so angry and hurt that it became too much for me after so many years. He too, doesn't give compliments to me but expects them FROM me, and then acts surprised when I've asked about this. He's also messy beyond belief, and our house is a giant mess from all his unfinished projects, and throwing stuff everywhere, yet at the same time will fuss at me or our daughters for making a mess (that we always clean up). It's a life of CONSTANT "Do as I say, not as I do", and unbalanced in almost every way. He sees what he does as very important, and what WE do as having little to no meaning. It's been hurtful to our daughters, because he's so inconsistent with love, reward, punishment, because most of it makes no sense whatsoever. We've also had issues with his infidelity, and always needing a new "high" somewhere, but can't seem to ever find joy or happiness with the woman and family he has had. These are issues that HE HIMSELF won't deal with, and won't do anything to look within himself or LEARN about the ADHD other than taking meds for it.
It's been true that couples who learn and work on ADHD issues together have a much better success rate, and can do very well, as Melissa says here on this site. It's just sad that so many men don't believe their ADHD has any impact on their relationships.(women also) Melissa wrote about that here in one of the blogs.
Anyway, saying Hi, and wishing you well.
I empathise!
Submitted by Evie_K on
Hi mama2twins, I really get where you're coming from. I felt like an abandoned wife and took on the role of breadwinner, organiser, bill payer, chef, housekeeper and primary caregiver. My husband was absent, distractable and irresponsible. He was also aggressive and threw temper tantrums and became physically threatening. It went on for so long that I stopped seeing him as the nice, fun-loving guy I used to think he was. I started to feel like I was a mother to a stroppy teenager.
My only advice is to set boundaries. I'm in that place now where my husband is on medication and going to counselling. He was initially very resistant. But the relationship isn't going to repair with just you changing your approach. I let my husband know his defensiveness and his rage are not things I will tolerate and I have enforced it. We no longer live together and it is easier being a single mother than having to deal with him as well.
I have let him know that ADHD may affect some aspects of his life, but I won't stand for it being used as an excuse for poor behaviour, like destroying things in rage. He gets help and works hard at gaining control or he moves out. He failed to make those changes and I followed through.
Is it worth it?
Submitted by Stevie on
Such a relief to read these posts. I'm going through some soul-searching at the moment and really need some help from strangers who know what it's like to live with an ADHD partner.
My partner was diagnosed with ADHD 5 months ago, and after 7 years of a fractured relationship, I honestly thought following the diagnosis, it was getting better. Some days he is relatively normal, cleans the house, cooks dinner, works on his own projects. But more and more I'm finding that ADHD is the excuse to do nothing, and more anger and depression. No, nothing happens. I am the sole provider for the house, and I come home from work to a mess and, only once I turn up, dinner is cobbled together with whatever can be scratched out of the cupboards. Any time I show frustration - for anything, but always for minor things, washing up, doing the one "us" thing I asked him to do that day, not waking me up, interrupting me, not showering, not feeding pets, not buying petfood, not calling a tradesman about the dishwasher - the frustrating things that are the every day in ADHD land, I get blamed for reacting badly. He says, I said sorry and now you're still going on about it, you can't hear any criticism of yourself. And it escalates with anger and peevishness. I try and remain calm, but am always copping the abusive and blaming end of the debate. I feel it's the same as what you're describing - I feel like the mother of a stroppy teenager. Not only that, I'm in an unequal relationship, where I have to do everything, and can't even ask him to get a job to help with the finances without being made to feel selfish, like I'm asking too much for even suggesting it.
I don't want to disrupt my life by calling an end to this relationship, and like I say, sometime I feel there is hope. But increasingly I feel there is no choice but to leave. ADHD is a daily battle that I've run out of energy for. And so I've gone online to try and reach out to other women in my situation, to find out if there is hope, or if it will always be this constant battle? Hence my question, when do you draw the line?