I’m so hopelessly and painfully stuck. I have given in to every demand of my husband, the latest being not talking about the issues we are facing…and as I predicted it has only caused more distance and resentment between us. He refuses to do anything to connect with me, calling every hug, every kiss, every kind word, every action “forced”, and if I don’t initiate those things I am “impossible to please”. I can’t win. There is no compromise. There is zero account for my feelings. There are irrational outbursts of anger, stonewalling, catastrophizing events, and exaggerations about who I am as a person that he uses to provide justification for his actions. He sees none of this even when I bring it up in the moment, and just twists things to fit his agenda or his perception (which is of course never wrong according to him). I know these are ADHD symptoms, but I just want to give up. My heart and mind are telling me to be strong and stay so we can get through this together when he's ready, but it is so exhausting to be the only one committing to this relationship day in and day out while he has zero awareness/care of his behavior, how he treats me, or wanting to address difficult information and situations that will not just go away on their own. I had enough this weekend with his attitude, disconnect, irrational outbursts, and lack of empathy toward me so I brought it up, which led to a tearful conversation where he flat out told me that he’s "bored with me”, “I’m no longer the shiny new object of his desire”. He indicated that this actually scares him as well because I am anything but boring. Our life is not boring. Myself, my encouragement, and my accomplishments are just not novel to him anymore, and if he's bored with me will he ever be content? I see the girls he seeks out on social media and in his daily life...it's heartbreaking for me to see. He is so intrigued by such one-dimensional things that will just bore him or annoy him down the road causing him to act out again. Things that peak his interest now (like many things in his life, including me right now) are novel until he gets bored or lets his irritability take over. He wants everything, but values nothing. I know these are his issues, and people with these issues take them out on the people they are closest to, so I am trying my hardest not to take it personal but it still makes me feel like my life and everything I do is so insignificant no matter how brightly I shine to others. I will never be enough for the one person I chose to give everything to.
He doesn’t want to educate himself about his symptoms, take medication, or talk to a therapist (he doesn't want anyone to know what's going on inside his head or change who he is). To me it’s easy to rationalize that I am 100% not asking him to change who he is. I fell in love with the man he is in all his uniqueness. I have high-standards, so I would not have chosen him to spend my life with if I didn't love every piece of him (flaws and all), and saw something special in him I wanted to grow with. I love who he is, I just don’t like how I’m being treated and discarded with no justifiable reason to continually act this way toward the person you love. I have been with him his entire adult life, so I’m actually asking him to do the complete opposite of change, and prioritize the reasons he’s been so happy and successful in his life so far. Giving up on every piece of me out of irrational annoyance, like he’s doing right now, instead of finding that relational connection would be a big change and extremely regretful for him down the road if he doesn't actually address the symptoms he is currently exhibiting. It's baffling because he has never put up with “that’s just how I am” in any area of his life, personally or professionally. Growth has always been a consistent decision and part of his life for him until recently. He has always made goals for himself and despises people that stay in the same mindset with the "that's just the way we do things" mentality, but that is exactly what he is doing without any self-awareness or reflection about it. This has been our only issue in 16 years and he can’t come up with a single strategy to manage our relationship, except "I'll figure it out on my own". In his current frame of mind, I truly don't feel that he has the capacity to do this on his own (who does?) but there is no changing his mind ever. He just continues to self-destruct and sabotage a relationship that has been pretty close to perfect up until now. He has no coping mechanism to manage difficulties, he has always struggled with this...But throwing away all that we have to feed curiosities instead of feeding what has given joy, meaning, and fulfillment all these years seems like a completely unfounded decision to make. I am shocked this is who he has become when faced with adversity, these behaviors have only been exacerbated recently because of reasons he will not acknowledge or reflect on...I just don't know how to be resilient to this situation anymore without having every shred of joy stripped from me. :(
ADHD Partner
Submitted by Lostinbrain on
So I cannot speak for your husband, but I will speak from my experience. I am currently separated from my wife who I have been with for over 19 years and could be looking at divorce because my ADHD has run my life. I came to this site looking to find a ways I can help myself and hopefully save our marriage. Reading you're post hits very close to the heart because I know I have made my wife feel the same way and only hope it not too late for us. I can say I personally have felt similar feelings but I still love her as much if not more than the day we meant. We have a something we have said to each other for years.... You make my heart smile. Although, I pushed my wife away with similar actions and words, I will tell you what I really meant on the inside. "I'm ashamed I have hurt you and others." "I'm embarrassed that I am like this." "I want to feel and act normal, like everyone else" "Please don't listen to my emotions, but listen to my words" "I don't want to admit that I have an issue." "I want to fix this myself and show you I am strong". As a man, I struggled with being "less than" and I wanted nothing but to be the provider and protector. Again, I cannot speak for your husband, but if he feels the way I have, He is actually scared that you have become too good for him and he is pushing you away before you can hurt him. He is already scared you are looking somewhere else and he will loose you soon. He doesn't feel like he is good enough for you. He doesn't feel like you still love him like you used to. These are all the things I felt for so long and never said. This is what drove my wife to say things very similar to what you are saying. If I could go back and tell my wife ways that she could get through to me, it would be to look at the ways I am struggling, and just start helping me. Show me that you see how I am struggling and show me with your actions that you still want to be my partner. For me I struggle with forgetting and yes a lot of ADHD people do. It would have meant so much more if she would have left me a post it note with a cute message as a reminder, not reminding me that she has already told me 4 times and I still forgot. She told me many time how I wasn't meeting her needs and it only enforced that fact that I was not good enough for her. I wasn't hearing what she was saying, not because I didn't love her or want to provide for those needs, but because I was telling myself I could never meet those needs. Again I am not your husband and cannot truly tell you that he is actually thinking the same things I was, but I wouldn't be surprised if it isn't something close to it....
What were you doing to improve?
Submitted by adhd32 on
Were you doing your very best to work around your organizational deficiency using coaches, medication, lists, alarms? Did you speak honestly about your feelings to her? My experience with my H has been gaslighting, blame shifting, my too high standards etc. In his mind, I am the one to blame because I didn't remind him with texts or notes yet when I did those things he would get angry and go on a 15 minute tirade about "you think I'm an idiot, or I'm not stupid". So rather than enduring a shouted monologue I just took on yet another task that had become overdue. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
If your wife is telling you, many times, what you can do to meet her needs and you focus on your feelings of inadequacy her needs still go unmet and thus, no chance for improvement. Things only improve when the ADHD person makes sustained changes (not more empty promises) and the non spouse sees their spouse's commitment to the relationship. You wrote that your wife could have helped you by looking at the ways you were struggling and start helping you. Sorry, but that isn't her responsibility, it is YOURS. You are responsible to get the help you need from therapists, coaches, and medications to help you become an contributing equal partner. Your wife already has enough on her plate running everything else.
Very True
Submitted by Lostinbrain on
You are correct in the fact that I was not doing those things because I thought I could fix myself. I thought I would be ok if I just worked harder. But it doesn't help. Which is why I am seeking help now, because I know now I cannot do it alone. And I'm sorry if I made you feel like I was suggesting you (or my wife) should have to carry this burden. That was not my intent. I was trying to offer ways that might help get through to him. Also, I'm sorry if I made you feel like it is up to you to fix this. It's not. As I read your message, I can hear your frustration and pain. I wish I could tell you a big "secret answer" to fix your situation. But I cannot. I am still working to try to repair my relationship with my wife so that we can walk down this path together. I can tell you that not only did I hurt my relationship with my wife but also my kids. Marriage takes a lot of work in itself, But with ADHD there is a whole other level because there has to be understanding and forgiveness from both sides. The ADHD is not going to go away and that is something that he (and you) need to admit and work on together. I recommend doing a search on YouTube for "ADHD divorce". No, I am not recommending divorce, but you will find that your story, your pain, your struggles, the frustrations that you are feeling right now, you are not alone in them. My wife is not alone in them. I can honestly say that being with someone that has ADHD is not an easy thing to do because I now see the damage I have caused around me, but seeing it wasn't the hard part. Admitting I needed to do something about it was. It was very hard and has taken several years of fighting and pain just to get here. It was very hard to read your comment about trying to help remind him and just being yelled at because I hear my wife in those words. She could tell you the same thing. And for the longest time I did actually believe I was in the right, and felt like she was just "getting on my case" for something else again. What I can tell you is that it took a long time for us to get the point we are at now, and it will take just as long to repair and move forward. I did not intend to say this was your problem to fix. It's not. But if you really want to find a way for your marriage to work, It's going to take a lot of work on his part, and just as much forgiveness on yours. Please understand that my messages are coming from a place of empathy and not judgement. And I hope you guys find the answers you need.
Boredom/Infatuation - Keep the help coming please...
Submitted by jwood on
Lostinbrain - Thank you so much for your comments to my post (and to adhd32's post as well). It is nice to hear the ADHD-spouse's point of view. I am constantly putting myself in my husband's shoes and supporting him any way I can. I only wish he would do the same for me. He has indicated that lack of support, nagging, etc. has not been the issue, and our therapist agrees that our relationship is not the issue. I have been nothing but a positive ray of light in our marriage 99% of the time, yet he focuses on anything negative in my past to put weight toward his actions and in-actions. The main issues have been his perception of "did I marry the right person" all of a sudden, and his infatuation with other women. So apart from slapping his phone out of his hand when he dm's some chick on instagram (which he would probably go off the rails if I did) or talking to a brick wall about how we have been compatible in every possible way apart from a few political arguments over the years (that I apparently let go, move on, and grow from; and he holds anger, disconnection, and spite from), I have no idea now to help him when he's struggling without completely pushing him away. He does need to decide for himself to chose to address the negative aspects of his symptoms (not all symptoms, just the negative ones impacting his life maladaptively), but he is so stubborn and set in his ways, he doesn't see the full impact of any of this. Perhaps I made it too easy on him the past 16 years, and he collapsed when I was the one that finally needed the extra emotional support in the relationship instead of him. But he would never see it that way, I'm supposed to be positive all the time, even if I'm going through a hard time myself. There is no mutual emotional support ever... I'm not sure if he's capable. Perhaps that's why he married such a positive person thinking he'll never have to deal with hardship from his partner (but even the most positive people have a breaking point once in awhile). The only question he is currently trying to answer for himself is if me and our relationship is worth it to him...that's a hard pill to swallow hearing and living with that every day. I cry every day because I don't know how to make him see what he saw in me, us, and our future for all these years (and a few months ago when I moved out after his deceptive affair and he thought he did lose me). It's like something drastic has to happen for him to get a taste of reality, but I don't want that to have to happen for us to rekindle what we have. I want him to choose it, but I don't know how he will ever get there alone. :(
I actually appreciate hearing
Submitted by Lostinbrain on
I actually appreciate hearing your side as well. I can tell you it has been a very hard road for me, and even when I was able to get myself on a good path, It really only took one thing to throw my routines off and I would go back into bad habits because it feels good. Staying up late playing games and watching tv, or hanging out with friends when I really need to get work done. The part I hate the most is that I want to fix it but it can't be "fixed", it can only be managed. I realize only now how my ADHD symptoms have made my wife feel alone and unloved. *Overshare warning* I allowed my symptoms to run my life to the point that I did real damage with my relationship with my oldest daughter, who funny enough may also have ADHD, and also pushed my wife away so much that she had started an affair. Now I don't blame myself for her choices, the choice to have the affair was hers and hers alone. But when I'm honest with myself, I can't blame her. I cannot blame her for just wanting to feel like she mattered. Me pushing her away and other issues in now way excuses her choice but I understand why she felt she needed to. Relationships are hard and this adds so much more to it. I hope that my marriage can work out, and yours as well, but in order for our relationship to work I need to continue my work and she is going to have to learn what having ADHD really means. She will have to actually understand that the things I may do (my symptoms), like forgetting to call her when I get off work, or picking up something for her on the way home that she told me about twice that day, these are not things that I do because I don't care enough about her. It is not because she does not matter enough for me to remember. It really is just because I forgot..... I am not a professional, I cannot tell you what you need to do. I don't have an answer for you or your pain and I'll I can do is say I'm sorry that you are struggling. As I said before, he does have to make the choice to get help and it can be very hard to watch someone hurt themselves and be powerless to help them. But marriage need to be 50/50. I'm not talking about 50/50 in the tasks, because let's be honest, with him (and myself) having ADHD, you (and my wife) may always feel like you do a little more, but it should be 50/50 in effort. He should be trying just as hard to manage his symptoms and be in the marriage. You are taking a huge step by trying to understand ADHD (I wish my wife would learn about it too), but If you have tried and he refuses to, you should do what's best for you. You don't need to stay in a situation that is one sided. Who knows, maybe a separation could be the kick in the pants that he needs. Me losing everything sure made a difference in my opinion....
Hoping He'll Wise Up Soon
Submitted by relationshipsuccess on
I wish I could give you some sort of tips or tricks, but honestly it took me about 12 years of marriage (and 18 years of being together) to fully realize the implications of all of it. Unfortunately, I don't think there is anything that my wife could have done to make me realize it. It all suddenly came to me, over the course of a few months in 2021. Reading things on this site, reading things on reddit, cognitive behavioral therapy, and just doing a lot of soul searching. But I had a eureka moment about 14 months ago where I thought: "OMG I have put my poor wife through so much stress and anxiety and I have been such an asshole and I need to do whatever I can to try to make it up to her". That was like a light switch for me and I'll always work on controlling my distractibility, accountability, emotional and impulse control. I'm happy to answer any questions if you have any. I'm really trying to be helpful, but I can see how it's probably not very helpful for your situation. I just know that if I were to lose my wife, my life would be over. She has been there for me through so much stuff I don’t even realize on a daily basis that holds our relationship together and has made things seem so easy until she isn’t there. Other women that I fixate on have no stake in what my life really is, it's superficial, it's never long term enough to be fulfilling down the road. I don't even understand what attracts me to them most of the time when I compare how perfect my wife is. Not just perfect in general, but perfect for me. Do I still fantasize, sure, but knowing what I could lose with my best friend keeps me in line. She is the best wife, and the best woman I could ever ask for to live my life with.