Submitted by cillianred on 05/20/2015.
Hi Everyone,
I don't expect my views to be well received. However, I feel compelled to let you know:
- We ADHD spouses are not all bad. In fact, those of us who are treated tend to be very caring and attentive spouses.
- We aren't perfect. But neither are you. Let's spend our energy focusing on improving our marriages. Venting on these forums is good as long as the feedback one receives can be constructively applied towards improving one's marriage.
- If our imperfections are too much to handle, or if we're not meeting your expectations, refusing treatment/counseling, not employing the lessons we've learned in therapy or if you simply feel "done," is separation/divorce not at least up for consideration?
- Even if children are involved, sometimes divorce isn't horrible. As a child of divorce, I truly enjoyed my parents more following their separation than when they were married.
While ADHD can cause problems in marriage, it's not always THE problem. And if it truly is THE problem, it is not without a solution.
Welcome
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
you are likely very self-aware. You seem to be aware to the point of getting treatment and aware of how ADHD can negatively affect a marriage. That is great!
What was your parenting like? did your parents help you become self aware? Did they help you learn any coping skills? I'm always very fascinated by those who are very self aware.
Would you say that you have a mild case? moderate case? extreme case?
Do you have any other mental health issues that co-exist with ADHD? (It is my belief that the worst situations are ones where ADHD is NOT the only mental health issue.)
You asked about divorce being an option. Divorce is not always an option, and it's not just because of kids. My kids are grown. I can't divorce my H without taking a HUGE financial hit....so much so that I'd go from a upper-middle class lifestyle to practically a pauper. I own a successful business that would literally be destroyed in a divorce. (H has told me that if I divorce him, he will make sure that my business is destroyed.....and he could easily do that.) Many of us are "tied at the hip" financially to our partners.
Some on this forum are burdened with huge debt that was run up by their ADHD spouse. Right now, that debt may be the spouse's responsibility to pay. If a divorce were to take place, that debt would get divided by two and the innocent spouse would suddenly be made to pay.
I know that if I had young children, I would NOT want my H to have them for visitations simply because he would not have watched them very well. He would not have made sure that they did homework, he would not have made sure that they ate well, he wouldn't have made sure of anything.....except to make sure that they didn't "bug him". great.... I know that he would have issued unrealistic punishments to them because he tried to do that in our home....I would have to intervene and provide an appropriate consequence for their behavior....H would just go Over the Top.
This is a gleam of hope...
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Thank you for your comment. You are right, this should be a learning experience and if BOTH are willing, then it can improve with love and patience. No one is perfect and my husband's ADHD can truly bring out in me qualities I don't like as well as make me depressed, which is not in my nature. I don't want to have to reconsider bullet #3 and so I will work at my marriage and hope that he takes his part seriously also. You make so much sense. On this forum I see marriages that still love and others that just sound awful, like there is a lot of hate. Self-improvement on everyone's part is so necessary. We can all improve. Have a beautiful day cillianred.
I imagine reading these stories is painful for you
Submitted by laney on
Hi there,
I am sure that reading all these stories is very painful for the spouse with ADHD. I know that there are many posts painful for me to read, especially ones where the spouse who does not have ADHD reacts in a bad way. They give me flashbacks to many moments that weren't my best moments.
You're right that no one is perfect. But that doesn't mean we can't suffer greatly because of the actions of another. This is a forum where people on both sides can express their anger and talk through problems. I am mostly a lurker, but I haven't seen too many posts where anyone (ADHD or no) says "I am perfect."
I can tell you from experience that divorce does not solve the problems. I have been divorced for 5 years now. We still have kids to raise, though, and there are still tough times because of it. Kids go to school without lunch, and then I run a hastily-packed lunch up for them. Kids don't get picked up from events, but of course all coaches/teachers/etc. have me on speed-dial so I can pop out and grab them when needed. Kids get told at the last minute that they shouldn't come over to their father's house because he has "stuff to do", which usually means he has a date. Despite getting over $1100 per month in "child support", kids' father "can't afford" to pay for basic medical care, clothing, birthday gifts, tuition, etc.; yet he can afford to buy himself and his girlfriend expensive toys, like $1000 computers and $20,000 new cars, on a regular basis. The court orders dad not to drink when he has the children, yet the kids know that when they are at his house, they should not leave their bedrooms after 9, lest they catch him drinking half a bottle of whiskey and cause him to freak out and get angry because they "caught him". (They have no idea there is a court order, but they do know he gets furious when they catch him drinking. No, the court order isn't really enforceable until he drives drunk or has a horrible household accident and gets caught.)
Mind you, day to day, life is infinitely better for me and the kids since the divorce. There is zero conflict in the home anymore and the kids can choose whether to go "visit their dad" or "stay home", as they call it. I am much more financially stable without the surprise expenditures, sneaky credit card opening and retirement fund cashouts, etc. But we are all still at he mercy of this untreated mess of a disease. And I am not sure what the solution would be.
yes to # 2
Submitted by Kansasry on
OMG, you are so right! No one is perfect and I think about how my husbands ADHD behaviors bring out the absolute worse in me! It's like a monster has been unleashed! I'm posses by a bitch demon! Yikes.
After months of repeating the same issue to him and having his reaction always to be the exact process: 1) defensive or dismissive 2) gaslighting (You are crazy) and then 3) the last step is PR campaign (that's what I call it) where he takes to facebook and tells everyone he is the perfect husband, insert lies of what he does, and that his poor wife is mentally ill (and other disgusting terms I'd never type) or some other issue that requires serious hospital time and encouraging a interactive smear campaign where all are welcomed to add in their own uninformed, uneducated and cruel comments! They even are encouraged to find the ugliest picture that describes the type of person I am. And my husband gets all the sympathy and all the women he has emotional affairs with step up and offer their bodies to him to make it all better.
It goes that way every time and yet, I let my reaction to what I know he will do get me every time! Supposedly, he can't help him self, this is what his brain does. But i don't have any excuse other then temp insanity. I always feel so awful after i let the monster take me over. I hate it, i hate me and then i don't know if we wil ever make it.
I can only image that because my husband thinks he is 100% perfect that when I snap, he must think it comes out of nowhere. I'm sure I do look bipolar or any of the other mental illnesses he claims I have.
He has made me pay time and time again for my reactions. now his phone is locked, his computer is locked because I found his email to a "friend" where he needed some comfort due to his wives mental illness and she responded with a nude photo of her self and she posted some disgusting comments about my old rotten sexual parts and said she was glad she was an awesome hot bod at 28. So I took her comfort picture and reposted it on her page and tagged my husband. And I knew she is engaged. OMG, that isn't me. I'm so freaking kind everyone walks on me! It takes months and countless transgressions before I get here but I've never been so mean before! And in the end, I'm no better than him and all he wants to focus on is what I did and now his mistakes are off the table.
This is my issue, not his. I do own my actions. Its why I am in marriage therapy, alone mind you, but still I go. I want to focus my energy on the good, not stuff like this!