This forum seems pretty dead, but I need to vent. Yesterday, my ADHD wife, was saying how we needed groceries but she didn't want to deal with Walmart, so I suggested doing pickup instead. She handled the order and checked things off our shared electronic grocery list (Google Keep is amazing). The trouble started when she got home. She wanted help unloading and pointed out things to put away in the freezer. I handled all that and saw a couple bags of dried goods in the trunk and put that away too. After that, my wife asked if I got the eggs from the back seat, I hadn't, so I went out to the car and grabbed those. We went out last night and didn't have any other thoughts about groceries until this morning. She couldn't find cottage cheese - her instant reaction was Walmart screwed up (not at all uncommon during pickup). She then started looking around for other things asking me where they were... I said I hadn't put anything in the fridge other than the eggs. She rattles off all the things she's missing. I suggest she look in the car, because I took care of what I was asked to. She finds two cooler bags still in the car. I asked where they were, because I never saw them - they were between all the empty reusable bags in the trunk, behind the back seat. So, now, we have expensive perishable food we can't use and my frustration is extremely high, feeling I need to micromanage more- all because she can't communicate what should have made it from the car to the house, pickup on detail clues like missing items, or put things in an orderly fashion like full bags not behind and underneath empty ones. ARRRGGGGHHH!!!!! I ABSOLUTELY HATE ALL THIS! Everything says we shouldn't have a parent child relationship, but if I don't handle things myself shit goes wrong and costs us time and money! I'm seriously struggling to find an upside to our marriage.
ADHD spouse venting
Submitted by WildBill2500 on 09/14/2024.
Food gone bad
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I sympathize. I too have seen endless foodstuffs go to waste because of ADD. It sucks.
This is what makes it so hard to be a loving non spouse. The waste. The waste of yourself, ultimately. But it's logical, it's the result of disability to plan, prioritize, execute, and in the trunk of a car perhaps also poor spatial skills, something that's dawned on me in recent years.
What can be done? I agree it's not realistic for you to micromanage everything yourself. It would probably make you more frustrated.
A friend of mine with an ADHD partner has split work around the house entirely, so that the partner for instance takes care of the garden. This garden stands out in the neighborhood as a result. But my brilliant friend manages this by not caring. She would never step in. That way she doesn't entirely compensate, which I think is why she copes with the marriage.
I tried to take over everything time sensitive, and leave the rest for my ADD partner. Cottage cheese in a trunk, or any food anywhere really, is time sensitive, while for instance cleaning the car is not so sensitive.
I didn't make it anyway. But I think there may be some ways to steer off from the worst disappointments.
Im sorry this is so hard.
I do leave the garden
Submitted by WildBill2500 on
I do leave the garden entirely to my wife, but this year it never even got tilled or planted.I bought the nice and expensive PT 4x4 posts we needed to put the deer fence back up after she ripped it down last year to "do something different". So even that hands off approach has drawbacks and definitive losses.
My father was a chronic salesman and bullshit artist. So, I strive to be the exact opposite. Under promise and over deliver. When I say I'm doing something, I do it without fail in entirety usually by myself. But, she just can't complete any task independently and I wonder how she can handle her case load at work - but the paychecks keep coming, so I can't complain about that. I'm really at my breaking point.
Breaking point
Submitted by Swedish coast on
The breaking point is where we cannot accept our spouse's behavior anymore. I hear you.
I think the reason why my friend can still live with her partner is that she has zero expectations on them. She knows the garden will always be unkempt. She has decided not to care.
You seem to be more like me. I couldn't lose my expectations and accept my spouse the way he was either. I wasn't flexible enough. Hoping for change in him was futile. What can one do?
I (today) am happy I dissolved the marriage. It came with an avalanche of pain. But I now make sense to myself. Now my choices in everyday life make a difference in the outcome of every day. There are finally some rewards for all the hard work.
Best of luck, Bill.
And yes
Submitted by Swedish coast on
And yes, it's logical to me, since you describe high expectations on yourself, that you would not be able to let go entirely of your expectations of a spouse. It's contrary to your own values, your work ethic.
Easy to understand.
me too
Submitted by honestly on
He insists on doing the shopping. It shows he is making an effort. Exercising executive function. He buys stuff nobody likes. Stuff we've said many times we don't like. It sits in the fridge and then we throw it away.
He also buys the best stuff - the £4 blueberry jam and the most expensive supersweet apples that only he likes- for himself. He buys the cheapest stuff for us.
Honestly, I could write a book....
Submitted by J on
on the things you touched on in your comment. I may make an entire post on this but for now....I'll address something that actually seems to work for us, quite by accident it seems.
Because my SO insists on doing all the cooking and really doesn't like anyone in her kitchen....I do all the grocery shopping which works out just fine. She's okay with it, and I'm okay with it. No problem there.
But how this works is....she'll start giving me the list of things "she" needs to make the meals ahead of time. She plans the menu, and I like everything she makes. I'm not a picky eater, I'll eat most everything she makes and actually love some of them. No problem there. There's very few things she likes that I don't care for...and I never feel deprived of things I want that she doesn't make. With the exception of desserts and a few things on my no go list. I won't eat watermelon for example. It makes me want to hurl.
So she'll dictate through out the week the ingredients, and I'll just add them to my stored list on my phone. So, by the time I go...I have exactly what she needs and I may add a couple things that I like but mostly...she likes them too. The only problem is....I do like desserts ( cookies, ice cream ) and usually what I add are those types of things. It's not that she doesn't like them...it's that she's trying to lose weight! Lol I'm allowing myself some guilty pleasures that makes life a little nicer. I take great pleasure in my desserts even if...not all the time.
Anyway, I don't decide the ingredients...she does. And I'm a frugal shopper...I buy the generic brands much of the time except for a short list of things we both have decided we are not willing to compromise on.
To say, this works out well for everyone involved.
Having said that...the book I could write is concerning the "buying the best" issue, projecting an "image" in order to compensate and things along those lines. I'm guilty of that myself...but not to the extreme I've witnessed with other people. I have some interesting stories from my family of origin ...one in particular which might address this with a good example. Maybe another time.
J
Hi Bill
Submitted by J on
I read this and so understand your frustration and need to vent. I'm guilty of not just forgetting things in the car but not noticing little details right in front of me. And not just the car, but everywhere I go. It's definitely an ADHD thing. At times, I just can't do two things at once and if I have to, something will fall through the cracks. If I'm thinking about putting groceries away, I won't be paying attention to making sure I have everything out of the car at the sane time! And if you asked me why? I'd have to answer "I don't know?". But as I just said, I do know why, but that doesn't prevent me from doing it.
I can set alarms, put up sticky notes and reminders all over the house and on my phone concerning future events, but I can't cover every contingency and predict every situation that comes along in the present moment. There's no reminder for that.
That's where you come in. If I do this when I'm by myself, no one is affected by the outcome except for me. But, like in your case, this affects you directly. And now your angry and here venting. And venting, really only perpetuates the same anger your feeling and nothing ever gets resolved. The problem is not solved in other words.
You may not appreciate what I'm about to say, but you really are shooting yourself in the foot. If the ADHD person can't do anything about certain aspect of their disorder, and it's directly affecting you and making you angry ....then what are "YOU" going to do about? Don't get mad...get even? Is that really going to help "YOU"?
My best suggestion would be, in order to help yourself... help your partner instead and become part of the solution instead of part of the problem. Instead of doing it for her, become the reminder that is impossible for the ADHD person to needs since they can't set a reminder for making sure she doesn't forget to check to make sure all the groceries are inside, and look behind every box when they're one step ahead.....including any other thing "you" know she does and keeps doing. If she doesn't notice and you do....then say so. Remind her, but don't do it for her. Don't be her dad....be her partner...and help her, help you. That's the win/win solution right there.
If you have an issue with reminding her, well, that's a different issue entirely. There's no "I" in team as they say.
J
this might work
Submitted by honestly on
... if the person with ADHD does not also have RSD. Mine does not take kindly to reminders. That would count as 'criticism' and me 'being critical.' I hope this is not the case for you, Bill.
Yep
Submitted by J on
I understand that too. It wouldn't bother me, but it would definitely be perceived as criticism to my SO. What does bother me in particular, is when it comes at me as a complaint, accompanied by anger. Or the questioning...."why'd you do that?" ( being scolded or chastised ) that feels like a parent to a child. That's no beuno.
A reminder is simply asking, did you remember X ? But I suppose, you'd need to have an agreement first that this is what will help...so no one is perceiving it as a parent talking down to a child.
I see it as helping me...not hurting me. I get that too.
PS Bill
Submitted by J on
I mentioned saying "I don't know" when asked why I did something like that, when I actually do know ( now ).
In the past, I really didn't know so that was an honest answer. Yes, I could say "I forgot" over and over ...which eventually starts feeling like you're being badgered. It becomes obvious after so many times of saying "I forgot" ..then why keep on asking?
But, after what I said , is it actually forgetting....or something else? I believe it falls under the "something else" category from my explaination and it points directly at ADHD.
I'm no longer saying "I don't know" ( because I do know )...and that wouldn't be an honest answer.
What I've started saying is...."no, that's not it" when my SO thinks she knows what's she's seeing and says so.... I leave it right there.
Long pause......
"Then what is it? " Only then, is when I'll tell her...and I'll tell her exactly what it is. The more times I don't lie....the more times she's going to hear the truth... instead of "I don't know" or "I forgot".
But I guess, if you've hit the end of the road and are at your breaking point...then everything I've said is a moot point.