I am interested in the upbringing of the ADHD people.( Mostly the ones of us whose spouses HAVE this.) How was your spouse brought up? And when did they (or not) know about the ADHD? We didn't find out my H had ADHD until he was around 50. And, later on we learned his mother was bipolar and had Alzheimer's.
H's mother was strange, (I know now because of the bipolar diagnosis) but she taught him so many weird things, and didn't teach him better things. She emotionally neglected all her kids, and all of them had serious problems. Fear, guilt, neglect, anger issues were all there. I guess in part I'm talking about the "nature vs nurture" thing. How much is nature and how much of his behavior was caused by lack of nurture and wrong nurturing. Then add in ADHD, and poor coping skills. Anyone else care to add?
I've tried to talk to H about his mother's lack of nurturing skills, and how this affected him. He defends her and shuts down, so I quit trying. So many of the spouses here don't want to examine the reasons they do the things they do, and why their lives are always in some sort of chaos. It's also the reason why so many of US are here on this forum......because....our spouses don't want to examine their ADHD issues. Just asking, curious.
My DH grew up in chaos. I
Submitted by Libby on
My DH grew up in chaos. I actually have had former neighbours of his growing up years take me aside and explain how bad it was. His mom also had strange ideas. When my children were born she was angry at me for holding and cuddling them. She said she would feed her babies and then they were left in their cribs. This is the same woman who would tie her kids up so they wouldn't get into trouble. I have no respect for her at all.
Upbringing
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I think this is a great question. I think about it often. Though my husband is still in strong denial, the ADHD didn't come to light for us until his early 40s (he is early 50s now).
Now that I know about my husband's ADHD, I would guess his father has ADHD as well. My FIL interrupts conversations constantly and can't follow what others are saying. He has very few responsibilities. Inattention is a major issue for him. He is in his 80s now, but I met him 20 years ago and this was still the case.
So that is genetics, but as far as upbringing, I would say my husband's mother contributed greatly to where my husband is at now. First of all, as parents, hubby`s parents missed the diagnosis. I am not blaming them at all because ADHD didn't have the attention back then that it does now. But I feel if my husband had some intervention in childhood, we might be in a better place now. My mother-in-law is also the reason my FIL is able to cope with his ADHD effortlessly. She is the ultimate caretaker (though not particularly nurturing or emotional). She does everything for her husband and did everything for MY husband for 30 years. She superhumanly does all the cleaning, snow shoveling, planning, meals, etc. Of course I did not realize this when I met my husband... their dynamic has only become apparent to me over the course of years. My husband lived with his parents until he was 30 and we bought a home together. Because his mother had always silently taken care of everything without consequence, I am sure he expected I would do the same. Beyond expectations, that also meant that he did not have realistic experience managing his responsibilities from day to day. At home with Mom and Dad, he could throw anything anywhere and never be held accountable. Mom would pick it up. Hungry? Mom will make food and bring it to you. He didn't have any responsibilities beyond working. He didn't even do his own laundry. (Of course I didn't know this!)
His mother is finally burning out and I sympathize. She manages/caretakes my father-in-law to the level of what he wears and eats (e.g. No, you can't have a cookie). While it is dysfunctional to do what she did and still does, she and her husband came to North America 50 years ago with nothing and really only had each other when they started a family here. I am sure she felt she had to make it work. She just did what most of us "nons" do at first... except she never stopped doing it (picking up the slack). She is a strong, reliable hard worker and did way too much for my husband. But as a result of his ADHD coupled with this upbringing, I got a man who doesn't know how to be responsible or be a good husband. On the other side, his father let himself be mothered in this way and set the example that this is what a husband does. He sits in a chair when he is not at work and he is catered to. He offers little support and has no awareness that this is upsetting because nobody tells him.
My mother and father-in-law also treat my husband like he is a king. He can do no wrong in their eyes. He is perfect and wonderful always, no matter what he says or does. I don't think this helps me either as he is so unwilling to look honestly at himself and especially to find fault. "I'm a good man," he will say out loud to himself, but so I can hear him, when I have brought an issue to his attention (e.g. an unkept promise to fix ABC before company comes).
Wow
Submitted by barneyarff on
Reading your post was something.
My husband comes from an extremely patriarchal family system. His mom wasn't even allowed to get a drivers license (until I came along) My FIL was verbally abusive (for example called his wife "Fat" as opposed to using her given name.)
She served the men. They sat in the living room while she cooked and cleaned. On occasion, my FIL would cook but she had to be in there with him to assist and clean up and we were all expected to praise his culinary skills
What always confused me was if I listened to the men talk, there was so much blame to go around. The jobs always sucked. The bosses were jerks. The city governments were crooked. The doctors were idiots, etc etc etc
Never ever did they take any responsibility for anything that went wrong. My MIL blamed everyone for things going wrong too. But would never fix anything. (I come from a family where if my mother was unhappy about a service or a doctor it really was just easier for them to fix it. Still is that way and she is elderly. And my father was never to be crossed by anyone. I don't think God would have dared cross him)
The holidays were chaotic. Many many times, I'd go to the basement to help my MIL wrap gifts on Christmas eve. She'd be so overwhelmed that she would just be standing there saying she needed to wrap stuff. I'd dig in and start wrapping and asking who does this go to so I could put a tag on it. (note: none of her kids or her husband would help. None of the in laws. Just me. and I'm the horrid daughter in law because I "Made their son go to college" then we moved out of state) And she was grateful for my help but in some ways it was worse for her because I was getting it done and she was over there.... being overwhelmed.... I never understood why it seemed like a mixed bag for her
The vacuum was always out and smack in the middle of the room. There was stuff everywhere.
Now I like a little chaos. It's fun to stir things up and have little adventures, etc. But the way that family lived their lives...
Geez, I'm too lazy to be that chaotic. It takes way too much energy and then nothing gets done. Then the blaming starts.
Thanks for this series of posts. I needed to reflect on this
OH! and my husband is considered quite the man by his family because of all his accomplishments (college.... wait! I thought that was my fault??!!) and all of our traveling (wait! that came from my family and my husband told me I was abusive by making him go on trips) and other things we've done. Of course they see his accomplishments as all him. Unless they are indulging in a blame that crazy wife fest. Geez........
I'm bitter but not as bad as I was. It's a process. I'm starting to understand that I'm not the crazy one (OK we are all crazy, but I'm not THAT crazy) Now that I've been out of the house for several months, I'm starting to have less anxiety and I smile more. Things are going pretty smoothly and if I want a little chaos and adventure in my life I can make that happen but the day to day mundane things are on a dull and boring rhythm which makes me happy.
My husband and his family never ever make their day to day obligations dull and boring rituals. And that is a big difference between the two families.
Wow, this almost exactly as
Submitted by RobertG on
Wow, this almost exactly as my upbringing. I've been diagnosed with ADHD at 49 and both father and grandfather most likely had ADHD as well. My mom has also been the ultimate caretaker. She did everything in the house and both me and me father weren't allowed to do anything. I couldn't leave things for more than 5 minutes before they disappeared. I even displaced some item in the house to see how long it would take for her notice (not very long). She took in her dad in our house when I was a baby and took care of him until he died when I was 4 years. She also took care of my dad after he became gradually more ill, when I was 19. While I was at home I only worked, played video games and watched TV after my parents went to bed. My life took a sudden change after I got hit by a car and almost died. After being dimissed out of the hospital I was left to myself to recover, went through recovery, went to the gym and met some friends and started to socialize. I left the house at age 30 after my dead died and didn't know anything about cooking, laundry or cleaning. I asked one of my friends to teach me how to cook and that's how I met my wife.
My mom also expected that once we lived together my wife take over her role in our house and have coffee with her every week. Instead she worked full time and we hired a cleaning lady.
My mom always treatsed me as I'm a king and anything that's wrong must be my wife's fault. This has gotten better over the years, especially after I corrected her and asked her to stop.
Narcissistic Drunk & Enabler
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
Her mother was very narcissistic. The type of person my parents would say "thinks her shit doesn't stink." She would do things like compare my wife to exceptional individuals in the news and wonder why my wife had not achieved as much as them. (She has a play on Broadway, and she is only 27! Why don't you have a play on Broadway?) She spent a long time talking about me behind my back--how rude I am because I do not talk enough. When I did try to talk, I couldn't get a word in edgewise. Or I would ask about something like how our nephew/her grandson was doing. "Oh, why aren't you talking about ME?" Or she would ask questions like "So, why don't you like seafood?"
Her mother was also a pretty bad drunk. Nobody in the family would confront her on ANYTHING. We would go to a restaurant and she would get drunk on martinis and start abusing the waitstaff to the point that I had to apologize to them. I was afraid that she was going to wrap her car around a telephone poll or kill someone else in a drunk driving accident. But no one would say "boo" to her. At her funeral, my wife's bother talked about how much better his conversations with her went after she was diagnosed with heart failure and had to stop drinking.
Her father was an enabler. My wife tells me her brother was very resentful of their father for not defending them against their mother. I sometimes got the feeling that 1) My wife identified me with her father and resented me for not protecting her from her mother (which she actually asked me to do while I was a guest in their house. When I finally did stand up for her, it was an incredible blowup.) and 2) My wife resented that I would not let her get away with the bullshit her mother pulled. When we were with a previous marriage counselor, she talked about me "giving up on her." I responded that her father (and the whole family) gave up on her mother a long time ago. Yes, her father stayed in marriage. But he gave up on her mother's ability (or even need) to behave like a decent human being. I was not "giving up" on her by confronting her. I would have been giving up if I simply used the same excuse that my wife, her brother, and her father all used for her mother: "Oh, that's just the way she is."
In terms of diagnosis--my wife's brother says that "everyone" knew she had ADHD, but they just didn't know to call it that. He said they just said "hyperactive." I realized that the behavior seemed very ADHD after our kids were diagnosed and I read up on it. Before that, i was afraid that it was BPD behavior. My wife has gone back and forth about whether she accepts that she has ADHD and does not have an official diagnosis.
My BF
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Grew up in Chaos also. Dad/Mom divorced when he was very young, in part because Dad was physically abusive. He never knew his Bio father. I know it must have been bad, because once he woke up from a nightmare crying, and couldn't figure out what it meant. The nightmare turned our to be a repressed memory, where his sister ended up with a broken arm, and he had a broken nose.
His Mom remarried, to someone far worse than him. He grew up with verbal and physical abuse from Stepdad. Name calling, feeling like less than. Thankfully she divorced him and now the man has died. To say it messed with his mind is an understatement. He may be in his 50's, but still lives with what happened to him. It explains why he craves praise and positive feedback, after being treated like he was a worthless loser. It also partly explains his reckless behavior in his 20's, not all of it can be attributed to ADHD.
BF doesn't blame anyone else for his actions or behaviors, but he acknowledges how his past shaped him. It hurts that some of his family have not acknowledged this.
Upbringing - both parents all kinds of messed up
Submitted by Brindle on
Neither of my H’s parents are diagnosed, but if you watch them... they both have a lot of issues. Mental health problems, very messy house, very negative attitudes, lots of moving, sizable debt, lots of verbal abuse and dysfunctional power plays. And adhd behaviors from both of them that are glaring and severe. They are strange and don’t have friends. I could go on and on. They gave one kind of impression before we were married, but afterward, the masks came off. It would have been a horrible house to grow up in, that’s for sure.
So the common thread here seems to be... our spouses weren’t given any real help to address their issues. Even if my in-laws would have known about adhd, they would have rejected it out of hand because they think mental health stuff is crap.
Add this to the list of stuff I wish I’d known before marrying...
My ex-husband's parents are
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My ex-husband's parents are still alive. Both are age 92, both are very ill (mom with Alzheimer's disease, dad with issues including heart disease, kidney disease, arthritis, some cognitive decline). Before mom developed Alzheimer's, I sensed that she might have ADD. Dad definitely was the ruler of the roost. He is a very difficult person to get along with; my ex has three siblings and none of them spend much time with the parents, probably because of their dad's prickly personality. As I said, I sensed some symptoms of ADD in ex's mom, but they involved her communication style, not housework. The house was always very neat. She was very kind and loving to her children and grandchildren. Ex's dad also was very neat and orderly but was not and is not loving and kind. He was strict and demanding with his children when they were growing up. He wants love and attention but he does not show them to other people.
I think it probably was somewhat clear that my ex had depression and anxiety by the time he was in high school but his parents don't believe in mental health treatment. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was in his early 50s. He's now 64 years old.
It looks like a pattern.
Submitted by SweetandSour on
It looks like a pattern. Many of the regular posters here seem to be dealing with the most dysfunctional spouses with ADHD. It fits if these individuals were born with a disorder of executive function and emotional regulation, then they were raised in these toxic environments, so they have problems on top of problems. Very sad!
And even more sad
Submitted by Brindle on
What is even more sad is that they are being invited to health but so many of them don’t want healthier. They prefer to stay in their mess. That’s a human condition, rather than adhd at play. Plenty of non adhd people avoid growth, too.
Nurture vs Nature
Submitted by jennalemone on
I have thought about the nurture vs nature all this time. We came from a time when there was "women's work" and no one expected the men to do the "women's work". ...It would have been thought of as selfish for a woman to expect a man to cook, clean, wash dishes, do laundry, take care of kids. So all the women of the boomer generation that I know did this alone. But after the kids were in school, and we worked full time, my H "took it easy" saying he worked hard til our house was paid off, then he ohly worked part time (even though if you asked him, he worked hard full time - it was his own business that did not support the family) but, most men did not help with domestic "chores" or as I call it my second full time job. All I did was work and sleep for many years while H would often sit in front of the TV while I ran through the Saturday work. So it was not only the family expectations of the men but also the culture expectations that make our men feel entitled. Then add some ADD into their makeup and we can see how they are as they are and what we are dealing with. My family's home was neat as a pin. H's family home was messy and somewhat dirty when we were young. His parents were fine, I liked them...but I think they had skewed visions about living life from what I was taught....the "us against the world" attitude and the "they think their s---- don't stink" phrase about anyone successful was heard at H's home too. I think it is somewhat a matter of standards in how people want and expect to live. He really does not care if the dishes cover the countertops or if the house was dirty and untidy and he seems never to smell smells. Then, if someone says anything about cleanliness or succes, there is that middle finger up attitude from him and his family.
My husband’s father was a
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
My husband’s father was a very hands off father and a chronic womanizer. He taught my husband how to work. He taught my husband that his personal value was equal to his net worth. He was obsessed with wealthy people and had no desire to be around people that didn’t have money (even though he, himself, was not a wealthy person). If you gave him a gift, he would tell you why he didn’t like it. I think he was the most shallow person I’ve ever met.
My MIL has no mothering instincts. She has no desire whatsoever to have a relationship with her son or grandchildren. She won’t lift a finger for anyone but herself. My husband was very ill when our daughter was only two weeks old. I asked her for help because the doctor advised us that I had to get our newborn out of the house and away from my husband. She literally laughed at me and refused to help us. She only lived three blocks away at the time.
My husband grew up with no guidance or supervision. He was given a three wheeler when he was eight years old. He lived in a small town and would leave in the morning and roam the town all day and not come home til bedtime.
There are many alcoholics in my husbands family.
I think my FIL had adhd and my MIL is a narcissist.
Wow--you ask a loaded
Submitted by dvance on
Wow--you ask a loaded question. My DH is now 50, was not diagnosed ADHD until late 30s when our oldest son was diagnosed and it became clear where he got it AND that DH had many of the same behaviors and experiences in school. DHs mom was 17 when she had him, dropped out of high school. His dad was 18 I think and I'm not sure if he graduated. His dad worked as a school janitor his whole life, barely made ends meet. For a while DH lived with both of them and they had two more kids. Then that fell apart. DH and his dad lived in their car for a while, and he was shuffled around to many relatives, changed schools a ton, was physically and sexually abused, certainly no one was providing for his emotional needs in the least. He was often told he was a bother and a nuisance. He himself barely graduated from high school and then went right into the Air Force. DHs father remarried after he and the bio mom split and he had many affairs and made no effort to hide any of them. He had no use for education--when I got into graduate school, he said "what--one degree isn't enough??". He was mean to the step mom-why she married him is a mystery to me. He made very little money, they were always in debt, always lived beyond their means. He had many physical issues that he didn't manage, he drank, smoked, was overweight, a real prize. And DH used to talk about him like he hung the moon. It is no surprise to me AT ALL why DH can barely function at a high level-two teenage parents, shuffled around, told you are a bother, no one modeled or taught responsible behavior, everyone made excuses for bad behavior--his sister had a baby at 15, then followed that up with three more all from different fathers, one of whom is in prison. DH has zero expectations of his life. He can make excuses or justify anything. Life just happens to him--he has no agency. He learned to just shut his mouth. I am sure that is due to the abuse and neglect he suffered but he has had tons of therapy around all this and nothing changes. He had a week of inpatient therapy. He had years of twice a week sessions. Nothing. It is possible there is only so much a person can take, but at what point do you stop blaming your family of origin and get on with it? I have no answer for that--everyone is different and everyone reacts differently to difficult circumstances--stuff that would level one person barely affects another, so I don't know. What I believe is DH had ADHD all along plus processing issues or reading/language issues that were never addressed due to his chaotic childhood. Add that to the neglect and lack of structure you have a perfect recipe for a dysfunctional adult. The Air Force gave him structure and purpose, but he never advanced very far. He cannot structure himself very well--no great surprise there. Many things that I distinctly remember my mom actually telling me or sitting me down and teaching me no one ever did for him--balancing a checkbook/budget, making a menu and grocery list--my mom used to do those things and when I was old enough I remember her teaching me. Now, don't get me wrong, my mom is awful, but she was organized and financially responsible. She had high expectations for me. No one had any expectations of DH and so he has none for himself. He carries a lot of shame-from the abuse, from stuff he did and saw in the military, from stuff he has done here. I understand that's a lot to shoulder, but he's not dealing with any of it in any constructive way either.
I teach many many kids with ADHD and while there is no sticker chart that will make them NOT have it, there are many routines and structures that can be imposed on them when they are younger, things they can be required to do, that can help them be successful later in life. Now, whether they will use these tools as adults, that I cannot say, but at least they have been taught them. No one did that for DH. He won't use a calendar or planner, he doesn't answer texts with any regularity, he doesn't work out or eat well, he doesn't sleep enough, he plays video games or watches TV WAY too much, he has no hobbies or adult friends--all of those things would help him function better even if he didn't take meds. No one fostered this stuff for him when he was little. When our son with ADHD was young, we had no TV on school nights and Screen Free Sunday. We joined the Y and took him to all kinds of classes and open gym to work off the ADHD wiggles, I planned lots of play dates and talked with him about how to act with friends. None of these things is a cure for ADHD but it gave him experience managing himself in all kinds of situations AND he took meds. DH used to comment often how different life was for our two boys than it was for him--we cared about everything about them--no one cared about anything about him.
Wow, revealing backgrounds
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Thank you everyone who wrote in. I wrote a long post, but it wouldnt send. Will try again. Merry Christmas ALL.
I found out about my ADHD
Submitted by RobertG on
I found out about my ADHD when I was 49 more than a year after I burned out from work. My dad was a traumatized concentration camp survivor and my mom a co-survivor and both emotionally neglecting me while my mom was being overprotective. I recently reestablished contact with my half sister and found out my dad and grandfather both were womanizers and met all the ADHD criteria. So with this background it's very difficult to say what is nature vs nurture. I do want examine my ADHD issues and it's extremely difficult, because of the lack of coping skills that I should have learned as a child.
On the positive side my mom is very social and empathic to my kids. Otherwise I wouldn't leave them in her care. Didn't have the courage (yet) to confront her with her lack of empathy towards me.
Nature and Nurture
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
That’s an interesting topic, thank you for bringing it up.
One of the most uncontested fact about ADD is that it is hereditary, which means that there was possibly a perpetual cycle of disfunction in these folks’ lives from day 1. Depending on where and when one was born, there were also generational and cultural factors that most likely exacerbated the behavior and mental health of ADD sufferers.
Today, a child diagnosed with ADD can possibly receive the tools and support he / she needs to cope and succeed. Sadly, all that support generally disappears once they leave high school....
I suspect my husbands’ father suffered from ADD, and his son also has it. My husband grew up in an era where beating children was wildly accepted; of all his siblings, he got the brunt of it. He was beaten nearly every day until he was too big to tackle. He also was never encouraged to pursue higher education, because he was deemed not too bright. All these factors most likely contributed to low self esteem, and eventually, affected the intensity of ADD symptoms as an adult.
I can only assume that, while my husband was himself dealing with the struggle of school, and all the behaviors that are associated with ADD, he was beaten for a condition he had no knowledge of, nor any control over... Presumably, as his father experienced before him.
My step-son is a heroin addict. He was on Ritalin for many years, and other than drugs, he received little support from school and his parents, who knew very little about ADD at the time.
I have students now who, with coaching and lots of home support, have managed very well at school and seem to have developed the necessary coping skills to lead rich healthy lives.
In short, I believe that the support ADD sufferers receive or don’t receive as children does have profound consequences later in their adult lives...
But it’s never too late... ADD sufferers can navigate their symptoms if they are willing to educate themselves, and with the right support...
my short answer
Submitted by vabeachgal on
My short answer is that it is unlikely to get better in time unless your husband makes an individual choice. Second, you are not his support person, you are his wife. Yes, I also found that untreated and undiagnosed ADHD wreaked havoc with my marriage. It has profound implications throughout life.
My ex H also was diagnosed with a learning disability at about age 8 and was put in special classes. His mother didn't advocate for him or do anything, really, as far as I know. She passed away when he was 17. In talking with other family members, they report avoidance, lying and morally questionable behavior from a young age. It appears to have been noticeable by age 8, at the time of the LD diagnosis. He is an adult male in his late 40's. He still cannot tell me what type of LD except "dyslexia". HIs nephew (hereditary) had similar issues at the same age. His parents worked hard to get a diagnosis. I can remember them saying during a family gathering that it wasn't ADHD but they didn't know what it was. I know they eventually got a diagnosis and the nephew appears to be doing well. My ex H wasn't curious enough to find out what his nephew's diagnosis was in the hopes of having an avenue to explore. I said many times, please find out what's happening with your nephew, it might shed some light. He got treatment that seems to be working. (LOL. This is another story altogether. I think it's apple/tree. I haven't maintained close contact with his family since his sister "invited" me to her wedding - as the caterer for 125 people - without disclosing to me that she had invited ever.single.one of my ex h's ex-girlfriends and former fiance as actual guests. I had no problem with them being there but I was incensed that I was asked to come as the kitchen help. Nothing like watching your H interact with all of these women while breaking a sweat in the kitchen... and she knew about his little issues also. WTF????)
My ex H continuously interacted with other women inappropriately and was on tons of dating sites. When I kept hearing a woman's name from the office, it was always a clue that something was going on. It's a drug, like the heroin addiction. You're dealing with addictive behavior so I want you to take a moment to visualize in your mind what it's like dealing with addict partner. What if he was a heroin addict or an alcoholic? Would you feel the same about the chances for success?In my mind, the ADHD and addiction intersect with something like pursuing women. He had an obligation to tell you that he felt he wasn't being heard (or supported or whatever the excuse of the day is. Mine used "believed in") He chose escapism to the real life responsiblities of one human being to another.
Add in depression, anxiety, low self esteem, etc. and you have a pretty potent personality cocktail with some very intractable disorders. This is not a quick fix and it won't be fixed at all unless you H WANTS to.
I agree with you. I'm in the school system also. I always say I have all the "D's". My personal un-favorite is the ADHD/ODD mixture. God help me. Schools these days provide an unparalled and much-needed level of support and guidance (and detection). My kids have an entourage for support. Exceptions and accomodations are made... additional people are made available. Sometimes it works with great success, especially with parental support. However, the key factor in each success story is that tiny kernel inside each kid who WANTS TO and WILL ACCEPT THE HELP!
You are the wife. You deserve the wife relationship. I caution you against being his at home support group. It skews the marital relationship and makes you prone to feeling ultimately responsible for actions that belong to him alone. Ask me how I know this and how hard it is to come back from this stance after your self esteem implodes because of continued betrayals. LOL. There's nothing better than being cheated on and then also thinking that you could have done something better to have prevented it. Don't go there. Trust me.
It's not your job to line up experts and appointments, either. See above. This definitely can result in more bitterness and resentment.
I am still blown away that he said you were just a friend and a roommate. I also can't understand why you're not outraged and haven't told him to leave. I really can't understand why, when he's relegated you to roommate status, you want to do all of this. Sure, life is good, except for the cheating? But he's dealing you major blows to your self esteem. He knows this hurts you and he does it anyway. Ouch.
I am six months post divorce. I had a bad day recently. The first one since moving out and on. It's crazy how easy life is to manage without the crazy. It made me remember that I used to feel like that every.damn.day.
Your H is chasing a high and it's not your job to replicate for him. I told my Ex H, why? Why cheating? You need a rush? Why didn't you buy a motorcycle or take up skydiving or something else? Why choose the one thing guaranteed to hurt me and destroy our marriage? Why? Because he craved the validation and ego satisfaction that accompanied the cheating. He needed to feel better about himself. There's nothing you can do about that.
And here's the deal.... if he's lying and hiding activities with women... what else?????? Will you have honesty about other matters? I thought the "thing" was contained to this one area of life, but I was mistaken. He lied about virtually everything. It was very painful finding those ADDITIONAL betrayals. ADHD impulsivity? I think that ship sails after the first transgression and you have made it abundantly clear that the behavior is hurtful and unacceptable.
Thank You For Your Post...
Submitted by MostlyFeelingHu... on
Dear Vabeachgal, thank you for your heart felt response.
I fully understand all that you are saying... And you have made some very good points.
Without a doubt, being married to someone (or living with or dating) with any mental health issue is in many ways much more exasperating than being with someone who suffers from a physical health issue. That is, the symptoms of the first rarely generate the empathy that the second is automatically granted.
I have known my husband for 30 years, and I have seen a huge difference between him without support, and him with support. Many agree that living with someone who suffers from ADD is like being on a roller coaster. But it has been my experience that with structure and support, and of course, the ADD individual’s will to want to be a better partner, the roller coaster can be managed.
When my husband was in his 20s-30s and undiagnosed, he was a totally different guy. He got in so many fights, lost so many jobs, was always broke, drank a lot... We dated then, and I fell in love with some of his most admirable attributes: he was kind and easy to talk to, he was there for me anytime of day or night... But in the whole, I had to let him go because he had too many issues... Nevertheless, we remained friends throughout the years, albeit from a distance.
10 years later our paths crossed once again. I was ready to give it a real shot and so was he. After his diagnosis and much reading up on adult ADD, we agreed that I would handle the money, and that we would not accumulate any debt together. We also agreed that any major decisions had to be discussed and agreed upon. Lastly, since he would never see to his share of the housework, we agreed to split the cost of a weekly housekeeper. As for the rest, my husband is easy going and will make dinner if I ask, eat cereal if there is nothing else... And he will pretty much take part in anything I ask him to do with me.
Since putting in place these few support mechanisms, he has been a completely different man. That is, the roller coaster has pretty much stopped altogether. Where as he use to go out every night and spend whatever money he had, he stays in most of the time and has accumulated a decent retirement savings account. He is calmer, and happier in the whole... Has kept his job for over 8 years now, and we have been able to save up each year to travel the world, debt free. At times, he even initiates household chores without any prompting. He is by no mean perfect, but what a difference consistence, support and structure have made for both of us.
The addiction piece is very real, and as you explained, very disturbing. Did you know that studies show that 70% of men admit that they would cheat on their partners if they could get away with it? Yikes. So men in general are quite self-oriented. At that, no matter how beautiful or smart the female is, men have a hard time resisting the allure of other females. For an ADD sufferers, it can be much more complicated.
Sure, I feel hurt that my husband has not had the good sense to see the damage he was going to cause. But I have to believe that his cheating was not about me, rather it was about something that he needs to want to change in himself.
You are absolutely correct in that he needs to be the one who admits his wrong doing, and wants to make the necessary changes within himself if he wants to stay in this relationship. In the end, nothing will be gained without pain whatever course we choose.
Again, you did not sound too hash, you spoke your mind and I really appreciate the insight from someone who has been there.
Kind regards,