I read something today that gave me cause to pause!: "Healthy people back away from situations that are injurious. or not to their taste. Desperate people, those who were unable to leave an injurious home life in childhood, insist on making their current destructive, injurious, or impossible situation work."
Desperate?
Yep, desperate. Am I desperate?
I really have found no specific guideline or timeline of when to really know there is nothing left to try. I believe I have done as much emotional work as I can.
I know there is more going on for me in my life than wondering how much time is left, how much time has past, how long something has taken, should there be a deadline.
And just to be clear, all this stuff going on is not fun, nor nice. I really just want to scream my head off. "Really Liz? Really?" After all this time I miss feeling loved, and honored, and respected. I want to be encouraged, validated, cheered on for all I have done in recent years, and surely cherished for the unique individual I have come to love. .
I am focusing today on believing I truly, 100 percent, did everything I could possibly do that was in my power to "create" the relationship of my dreams. I choose to no longer insist I am making what I have work.
On Halloween night, I sat and watched Charlie Brown. And I enjoyed that. Then, the next day, when I saw all the photos of my friends and family's costumes and Trick or Treating, I realized, next year I will find someone I know who has lots of trick-or-treaters in their neighborhood, and I will get a bowl of candy, and sit with them, and whoever comes to their house, will get double treats!!!! And I will enjoy all the children and creativity.
Yes, Liz enjoyed the popcorn and the Great Pumpkin DVD this year, and next year, I got better plans already in motion.
In most of the current past years, I have sat and dreaded the arrival of my favorite holidays. Crazy. Really crazy. Day by day, the clock ticked by as I wondered what to say, what to dream, what to ask for, what to expect, and feared "Will I slip up and say the wrong thing, and trip over my words and set off anger?"
If it is important to Liz, I want to make sure it happens, so I am preparing 2 schedules for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Eve: 1. things that are most important and 2. things that would be nice.
I exhausted myself trying to be stronger than I feel, and continually doing such a fearless moral inventory that I was sure I musta missed something.
I have said often enough over the past few years "I do not care what others think." So now I have better words to express what I mean. Surely I do care what others think. It may make me happy or angry or sad to understand how they feel. The bottom line is this: Liz chooses not to allow another person's opinion affect how I make my choices. I will not allow guilt or anger to make me change my mind about what I feel, believe, or want. " I care. I will not be manipulated or controlled by anyone who wants to try to control my feelings, hopes, and dreams, by with-holding their affection until I shape up.
I accept that is my own choice.
I expect myself to remind myself as often as necessary there is a vast difference between giving up and knowing when my bag of tricks has been depleted.
LOL, and I am still coming back to this post, to edit, and re-edit, and re-edit, so my own feelings are reflected. Sigh.
Liz
Liz, this really hit me hard
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Liz, I read this post, and it really hit me hard. I immediately had a thought myself, "What would I do if he weren't here?" (you know, I've NEVER thought of that) I know it's been a while since I've posted, and I'm sorry, but I too STILL come here to get reassurance and help. I too, have been consumed by, and been fighting my husband's ADHD symptoms for SO MANY YEARS, I don't know WHAT to do anymore EXCEPT live every day trying to avert an ADHD episodes. THAT IS NO WAY TO LIVE. I haven't lived for ME in so many years, it seems like I've even FORGOTTEN HOW to live.
I gained strength from what you told yourself, and I think that, THAT is what helped jolt my mind to ask the question.............."What would I do if he WEREN'T HERE?" What would I do?..how would I act?..........what would I achieve today?.........what would I think about?...........could I even ENJOY the day being happy and not be in a "fight or flight" reactionary mode? It was VERY REVEALING. What WOULD I do? My mind went blank. I had no thoughts, and nothing came to mind. It SHOCKED ME. I don't even KNOW why I hadn't asked myself that question BEFORE. It's NOT that I want my husband to disappear or go away........nothing like that, I just was hit in the head with the thought of STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM AND THE ADHD SO MUCH AND THINK ABOUT YOU. I guess that's the point I think I'm trying to make here.
I know my husband does not know how MUCH energy, emotional energy, spiritual energy, physical energy, etc. it TAKES to live with someone with severe ADHD. Since he knows nothing different, he doesn't know what it is like NOT to have ADHD. He himself gets frustrated with it, but he still sees himself as a pretty great person. I used to think of myself that way too, but I don't any more. The sad part is, it has taken SUCH A HUGE TOLL on me, that I don't even look in the mirror any more, because I don't like to SEE the huge toll that living with ADHD has taken. It's sucked the life out of me. And, I gave, and did SO MUCH for SO MANY YEARS, only to be SERIOUSLY BETRAYED by him (long term affair) and even though he's "better" now, he has never tried to HELP me HEAL from this. He left all the "healing" part up to me to do, and since I was SO BROKEN, I don't think he wanted to "look" at that either. He just wanted it to "go away", which it doesn't just DO on it's own.
Thank you for writing this. I wish I had words of wisdom for you. But, I can only say thank you right now. Hope you have a better day TODAY.
Gosh, I reread it with no more editing, and something happened
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
dedelight4 ,
I read your reply and something happened over here. Surely not what I expected would happen. The tears welled up, and then I allowed myself to cry. . . . . . . . . .
I have thought of what my life would be like if I did not live in the same house with my husband. I can focus on the joy, and freedom, and so many other positive ideas. . . . . yet the down in the bottom of the barrel reality is, that is not my hope. . . . not my dream. . . . . not what I want. . . . at all.
As I get closer to my college degree, and closer to new adventures, the reality is not pleasant that for all intents and purposes, I will not be celebrating it as the spouse of a happy husband. And while I am very excited, I am still dealing with the shards of resentment that bubble up, due to the reality that it has become a necessity to go back to college and attempt to jump start a career at 50 some years of age. Oh, I CAN do it. I am capable. Power through. Head held up high. Still, my spouse is not dying; he has not died; he has not become physically disabled; he was not acted on by some outside force that changed the path of his life without his permission.
Today was a heart-tugging one. My spouse has some health issues he is not addressing. He has a promising opportunity for a financial gain, yet he is stuck - in fear - paralyzed, I think - - - doing nothing with it because he doesn't know what to do, how to proceed, who to trust, who to ask. Me, I am chomping at the bit for him to go, go, go and succeed!!! That time blindness thing happens, too. I think he doesn't comprehend the negative effect of the several weeks already going past, and he is not acting on the offer. My spouse has 'invented' several things over his lifetime, didn't know what to do with the idea, then 1 or 5 or 10 years later, the idea comes to someone else, and I watch my spouse bemoan the fact that someone else is making money with an idea he came up with first. . . . . . and he did, but he wasn't able to act on it. That is what I see happening again. Oh, I'd love for him to succeed. I can't do that for him. What if he fails? Yeah, but what if he doesn't! What if he spends money, and gets no return? Yeah, but what if he does! What if, what if, what if. . . . . . .and, he is paralyzed to go forth.
My current mantra for him, when I want to give him encouragement is something along the line of "I am so excited for you and the possibilities that could develop with Mr. XXXXs offer to you. I encourage you to follow up!" "I encourage you to keep it at the top of the to-do list." "I encourage you" "I encourage you" "I encourage you" And time goes by, and my heart is sinking. Sigh.
I wake up each day waiting for the clear message. Not just waiting, seeking it.
This forum is a great place to feel someone understands. I got a very clear picture of his struggles. No amount of pointing them out is gonna help me. Not one whit. I live my life. There is so much good there in that man, but only he can choose to shake off all those boulders he has weighting him down. I cry for my lost dreams. I cry for the difficulties I see in him.
And I shake it off, and power through. Power through. Power through. Power through.
I hope you can make a choice to focus on you, take a peek in that mirror, and realize the face looking back at you has potential to be great. Put your own sentence on the top of the pile of priorities: "STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM AND THE ADHD SO MUCH AND THINK ABOUT YOU"
Liz
Liz, I'm crying here with you.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Liz, I read you post and burst out into tears myself. It's okay to have a cry fest occasionally. The tension and "trying to be strong" and hold up only lasts so long, before you have to take a "break" from it.
I too have been my husband's "cheerleader" for so long, watching, while he makes mistake after mistake, and fails career wise, when he is capable of doing SO MUCH. He HAS accomplished a PhD, and always did well in school, but it's applying it to his OWN life, that his ADHD gets in the way. He will make decisions "without " me, not wanting to hear any input from me, ESPECIALLY if it goes against what he's already decided in his brain is "right". Right now, he's thinking about changing jobs, because this one is going NOWHERE. The trouble with THAT is...............ten years ago, when he made the decision to MOVE HERE, and take this particular job, he wouldn't hear ANYTHING from me. I did a LOT of research into the job, into the state, the city, the area, and the possibilities of future success with this job. It WAS GOING NOWHERE, and had NO POTENTIAL to go anywhere. I tried SO HARD to tell him that, and he was SO MAD at me. I didn't tell him in a nasty way, or ANYTHING. I was trying to get him to take the best job possible, for the talent he had, and for him to have a place where he had POTENTIAL to move upwards.
He was ADAMANT that he was RIGHT about this job, and I was just being DIFFICULT. He knew "better" than me, and told me it was the ONLY job available. (it wasn't) IN fact, THAT YEAR, there were many, many jobs available, and I would give him a small stack of available jobs every day, downloaded from the internet. But, he chose the bottom level, bottom of the rung job, where we were in the middle of no-where, and there were relatively few students in the college. (he's a professor) It's a lower income, lower socioeconomic area, that has had zero growth in the past 10 to 20 years.
Well, it turned out that I was right. This job went no where, and now he's MISERABLE, and looking for another job. But, moving cross country is SO HARD for me now, being disabled and having a severe pain condition.
I have NEVER mentioned or shoved it in his face, (the fact that I was right about the job), but I'd like to. Or, I'd like to hear him admit, he wasn't right about it. IT WON'T HAPPEN. Having to stay silent so much, and hold so many things inside, has caused me to internalize SO MUCH. I think it's also added to my pain condition. When you can't TALK to your ADHD partner, and they won't LET you talk about anything IMPORTANT, (especially when it comes to them) IT HURTS. Also, forget trying to telling them about how WE feel. I wish he understood, but it seems like his understanding where I'm concerned is so skewed. It has made me feel bad about MYSELF, and that seems CRAZY, but that's what has happened.
But, right now, anyway, he's in an ADHD frenetic frenzy, because his mind has a new FOCUS POINT, AND IT'S FULL TILT..........get a new job......get a realtor..........sell the house......move, move, move. OMG. I don't even want to THINK about it. Plus, he's broken so many things around the house here, and neglected so much, it's going to take a small fortune to fix it up. (despite the fact the house is only 11 years old) He BREAKS A LOT OF THINGS and only semi-fixes the things that NEED fixing, or it ends up costing double and triple what it should cost, because he won't hire a professional. It's ADHD on crack and going full steam. I'm getting too old for ADHD. (We are both 59, but I feel 99).
I also wanted to add something else. Since my husband was unable to help ME heal, from the hurts of the ADHD and (the affair), he was angry because I "wasn't getting over it". THAT did something to me. It broke something in me. We were apart for 2 years, while he moved to this state to start his new "dream job here" (that didn't turn out) plus was involved with someone else at the time. I was SO ANGRY at myself for loving him, and loving him "so much". I didn't WANT to love him like that, but I did. When he doesn't have ADHD moments, he's a great person, and that's the person I love the most. I was hurt because he didn't see ME that way. He couldn't see ME as a good person, and discard the things he didn't like about me. THAT HURT SO MUCH. And it also hurt, how fast and how easy I got replaced at the time. (and maybe still able to do to today, I'm not sure) He WON'T TALK about our relationship, and what's good OR BAD between us, It always keeps me guessing as to how things are. And, it leaves SO MUCH up to me as to how "the relationship goes". I want HIM to engage in our relationship, and be PART of US.
I am disabled now, (which I hate) I miss working and doing so many things I used to do. It's very confining, and plays havoc with my brain. Plus, being in pain all the time adds up, with the stress of ADHD pushing on me all the time. It IS HARD to always dismiss the sharp "jabs" being said, etc. I've had to let SO MANY THINGS GO, that THAT ALONE took a huge toll on my emotions. I stopped feeling for MYSELF, and needing things, and desiring things, and HOPING AND DREAMING. I just stopped all those GOOD THINGS, because they became undo-able with a VERY NEEDY ADHD PERSON IN THE HOUSE. Their needs and wants and desires become all encompasing, and they make sure YOU KNOW that it's the most important thing. My husband has been working lately to change some things, and I give him credit for that, but I NEED WORK NOW. There's been so much damage to me, that 32 years of emotional, physical, and spiritual neglect have certainly taken it's toll.
Anyway, I truly FEEL what you are going through, and I truly "GET IT", and "live it" and "understand it". I just wanted you to know that. Thank you for your post today, and for sharing in crying too. Hugs.
I get it too
Submitted by hollygolightly on
I too have spent a long marriage being the anchor and cheerleader in my relationship. I am also disabled. I have to rely on my husband a lot. In some ways it has improved things a little, forcing him to step up and take over the caregiver role. He isn't bad at it, when he's home.
However, because of his need for constant entertainment, he is involved in so many different organizations and sports that he is often only home one night a week, which leaves me on my own or with one or both kids most nights (some of his time is spent with the kids at their sports). Anything he wants he does or buys. He is quite proud of his motto of Ask for forgiveness, not permission and quotes it often.
I'm tired of the lies and subterfuge. We had been doing great for the last 6 months and a recent series of lies has erased the good feelings.
H
Great post
Submitted by lynninny on
This is a very eloquent post. Thank you. It reminds me to continue to question why I either back away or hang in there, wishing or hoping that the outcome would be different.
I had to come back and read
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I had to come back and read this post - so much of it is true for me too. I to am having good days and bad - and I try very hard to focus on "what will i do - what do i WANT to do!!" Now that I dont have this marriage weighing me down anymore.
I think I will create a post in the help section to talk about all that I am trying to do!