I ran across this site a few months ago when looking up how to deal with an unhappy wife. We've been together 5 years, married almost 3. She's divorced ( married 10 years, currently 48 YO ) while I am widowed ( married 17 years, currently 52 YO). Reading through through the six signs ADHD may be a part of your marriage, along with other symptoms of ADHD, got me thinking we are dealing with ADHD. She has some of the more severe symptoms, always misplacing and looking for things, horrible time management skills, trouble with finances , staying with a conversation for any length of time.Talking with her is like talking with 5 different people at the same time the topic changes so quickly, angers quickly over small issues but will jump all over me for for small things. She's crashed the car, burned / forgotten to make dinner so many times I can't count, backed into the garage door twice. Knowing her tolerance level, I have not raised my voice or shown any anger towards her but thinking how the hell could you do that !!! I've also noticed some symptoms in myself such as not liking being told what to do, poor listening skills and somewhat distracted. Our communication styles are extremely different, she is unfiltered says what's on her mind then and there. I tend to avoid conflict at almost all costs. This results in our conversations not being real or we are missing intimacy. Myself, I'm tired. Tired of being told you're doing it wrong. Loading the dishwasher, washing clothes, sweeping the floor, using the vacuum, step on this rug after shower, don't step there after shower, gel your hair this way, length of shower ( I've heard too long and too short ). I've done all these things when married as well as single so it's not difficult. I try to respect her wishes when she explains why ( She doesn't like putting wood in the dishwasher because it cracks faster - OK ). Why are you going this way. She gets lost so easy but knows to tell me and GPS how to get there. I've write these down so I can try to make her happy but the target is constantly moving and worse, ignored by her. Don't go outside without shoes. When you come in it tracks dirt. OK, makes sense, I won't. A few times last week she follows me out to the car to say goodbye without shoes. Finally say something to her today. Replies that she washes her feet before going back in. I don't see her doing this and explain , but I still get an attitude. A number of rules we agree on for the house are ignored and when I call her out on them, get an excuse as to why she can do it. Very annoying and with teenage boys and a younger girl, does not set a good example. A number of these things I can see her point on. I am fairly laid back and can ignore most. Although I'm not sure that's the best thing. Some things I have a harder time and those are the personal attacks. She's questioned my faith because I don't pray like she does, how I don't talk enough, how I'm dead inside because I won't engage in the manner she wants. I've recovered from the previous arguments but the latest one has scared me because after almost 4 weeks, still feel extremely resentful of her. We have a lot of good days, but the smallest thing sets me back. As a result we will be seeing a therapist. I have never been to a marriage counselor. I did not have any major problems in my previous marriage, so don't have any idea of what to expect.Looking for advice on my first visit and situation. I don't know if I've explained my situation clearly since at times, I don't even know it myself. Thanks
Car Guy...Like that name....I was a widower also....
Submitted by c ur self on
You have a lot going for you....Awareness of the problem is huge; Self -awareness is priceless!....I love the fact you are going to a counselor; most good ones pick up on things quickly. I have a few recommendations for you based on the mistakes we made in counseling....Keep this in mind....He is not a referee....And if you and your wife start arguing and debating in front of him...All you will get is an expensive marriage coach....So even if she gets emotional, starts making judgments or telling half truths set still and quiet, if at all possible...The Counselor will get it.....
It sounds like there is some self deception and mothering going on with your wife. And it's a pretty good bet, she isn't aware of it....(self deception always blocks the awareness process) Or, she hasn't got the tools in her tool box to stop it....
Possibly a little control issue with her also...which can look to a husband like a lack of respect...One of our biggies:)....Be patient and allow the process to work....I personally think a couple should make time to pray together, and do bible reading together.
Blessings on your Journey Car Guy.....
C