My ADHD husband and I have begun to see therapist who specializes in ADHD adults. Prior to our first session, she had us each fill out one of the evaluation forms/tools that "test" for ADHD, my husbanding answering for himself and I answering from the perspective of a spouse. My answers indicated my husband has ADHD; my husband's answers revealed no definite sign of ADHD. The therapist told us during our first session that she could not make a definite diagnosis because the results did not jive. She suggested that if we wanted to work on our relationship, she would be happy to do so with us. We have now seen her four times. She has not mentioned ADHD once. I have shared a few examples of how I believe ADHD has harmed our marriage during the sessions, My husband is in denial about the impact that ADHD has had our relationship. I am wondering if the therapist avoids broaching the topic of ADHD because she observes this denial and does not feel it would do any good at this point. What concerns me is that everything I have read about treating ADHD calls for a combination of medication and therapy and/or couples counseling. I'm skeptical about us making any meaningful progress if the ADHD is not identified and treated. I would appreciate hearing from those who have done couples therapy with an ADHD specialist. Have you had a similar experience?
ADHD Therapist Best Practices
Submitted by felixfrancine on 12/13/2018.
As the non adhd spouse in my
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
As the non adhd spouse in my marriage, this would drive me batty. In my very untrained opinion it sounds like she’s either not as specialized in adhd as she claims to be or she’s playing games. Either way, to me it sounds unproductive. I can understand why you’re concerned. Maybe someone with knowledge about the situation will comment.
Therapist - felixfrancine
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I know my husband really downplays his symptoms. When the doctor asked if he loses things like his keys, wallet and phone, he answered "occasionally." The truth is that he loses these things every day, multiple times a day. Definitely merits an answer of "all the time" vs. "occasionally." Several other questions played out like that. I'm wondering if your husband did the same as mine with his evaluation form, which gave the therapist a skewed impression. I also wonder if you can meet with the therapist one on one and ask if she is avoiding ADHD for a strategic reason and reiterate you came to her for her expertise in adult ADHD specifically. If she can explain that she has a plan for getting there, maybe it will work for you. If not and she is not buying into the ADHD, maybe you would be better off with a different therapist. I can only cite what I've read, but it seems that treating ADHD-based couples issues with traditional therapy doesn't typically work.
Therapist - 1Melody1
Submitted by felixfrancine on
My experience is like yours: my husband filled out the evaluation form in such a way that ADHD behaviors would not be evident. He was not lying or being deceptive; at the time, he genuinely did not recognize any of the behaviors in himself. This morning at our weekly session with the therapist, my husband actually asked her what she thought regarding him and ADHD. She replied that she thought he was borderline, which I found remarkable. From my perspective, his ADHD has been on full blown display in each of our sessions! I concur with your statement that treating ADHD-based couples with traditional therapy does not typically work.
She isn't interested in your opinion's....
Submitted by c ur self on
She is a professional and will only act on what she can uncover on her own...She also hasn't experienced your hurt...She see's him, just as she see's you....Plus, adhd is easy enough to hide when the adhd person is giving FULL ATTENTION to the therapist...(for a while anyway)....Most adhd people do not suffer from lack of intelligence...On the contrary, many are very Intelligent....Also, so many of us like to identify intentional selfish and uncaring acts as adhd, when it's not.....
If you go to your next session with the outlook; Let's identify detrimental and intrusive behaviors, things like, attitude, openness, approachability, the ability and willingness to communicate without defensive posturing....I think you will be much closer to the same page as your therapist....She isn't concerned about opinions, she can only help bring things to light as she uncovers truths about the way you both think, feel, and behave.....Your sessions are drawing that picture for her....If you go in pressing her (anger) about adhd in your spouse, things will work slow...Besides adhd isn't something that makes for a bad marriage...People who make terrible spouse's are the one's who refuse to manage their lives well...Those who justify (or worse, or in denial of) intrusive and abusive behavior....
I suggest you just go with it....If your husband's behaviors (or your own) have driven you to this therapist....I suggest you just go in calmly and when the therapist ask's what you would like to see accomplished? I would tell her simply this "Ownership"...Because nothing else matter's until we own it.....Only then can the marriage start healing....Most people will always dodge and blame, so they can feel good about themselves, and keep their Pride intact....Ownership takes humility and usually repentance....But when our hearts are broken, (about our own behaviors) then real change can happen....
c
"Ownership" = yes!
Submitted by felixfrancine on
I really appreciate your insight about claiming ownership of my own behavior and attitudes in the therapy sessions. Thank you! I agree that the therapist may be developing her own picture of our relationship and that takes a bit of time. I have felt good about her talking with us about triggers and what she describes as "listening conversations" (what Melissa describes as "learning conversations.") She does indeed urge us to focus on detrimental and intrusive behaviors, helping us discover practical ways to address them. She strikes me as a good couples therapist and I would think a good ADHD coach. It's just that one leg of the three-legged stool of treatment noted in Melissa's book, medication, is missing from our work with this person. That's fundamental. We won't see meaningful change or repair of marriage with it. My husband is actually willing to take the ADHD medication, which is probably going to lead us to a different couples therapist.
Issue of ADHD in counseling
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Diagnosis of ADHD is more than just filling out a form - it also includes an extensive history (usually given orally) to capture the 'clues' that ADHD is likely present. Many also do attention testing - these are usually in the form of a computer 'test' that has people focused on when dots show up on the screen (and where) and tests how long they can stay with it. And many do take the opinion of the spouse into account, pursuing the gaps between what each partner claims, so that a complete picture can be created. (Those with ADHD have a documented lower ability to see themselves accurately than those without - though we all score pretty low on this dimension!) There is also a group of people who are officially 'sub-clinical' which means that they don't have enough of the symptoms of ADHD for a full diagnosis but have some. So it's possible your husband is in that category.
If I am working with a person who is resisting a diagnosis of ADHD I simply say 'let's not deal with the label right now, but focus on the issues that the two of you face.' I leave it for later, and provide opportunities fo rthe person with the ADHD to consider the possibility over time- once s/he has learned to trust me a bit. The plus side of this is that you get the participation of both partners (vs. resistance). The downside is that you don't get to immediately treat the ADHD, if ADHD is in fact present. However, there are lots of non-medicinal ways to manage ADHD and ADHD-like symptoms - they aren't as effective as the medicine for many, but they do allow for improvement. You can make good progress if you both work this way. For example, someone who has trouble focusing can set up an exercise routine in which s/he exercises at times of day right before the need for a good block of focus. Someone who has trouble remembering things can set up a robust reminder system and dedicate time to learning to use it daily. Couples who struggle with who is doing what responsibilities can set up a chore management routine that allows for both people to have input, and which tracks outcome objectively. They can also develop verbal cues to start to get them out of repetitive interactions that hurt them.
One of the things your therapist may be looking for is for you to stop focusing so much on the ADHD, which will come across as blame and generally hurt the process, and have you look to what changes you can make, instead. Get out of your husband's way, so that he alone is responsible for whether or not he performs better in your relationship - he can no longer say 'she's too focused on me and keeps blaming me' if you aren't doing that any longer. Over time, the therapist then becomes responsible for holding him accountable for progress, which he will be more likely to be able to handle.
If your husband truly does have ADHD, I would hope this would come out in the hands of a good therapist, even if it is over time.
Hope this helps - ask more questions in this comment stream if you want more elaboration.
Melissa
We have had four counselors
Submitted by dvance on
We have had four counselors over 23 years and it was all useless. We would sit in the office and make the chore chart, DH would enthusiastically agree, we would get home, I would not say a word about it and none of his stuff would get done. We would go back to the counselor for the next appointment and DH would have 900 reasons why his stuff didn't get done. The same thing with regard to exercise: I know exercise is super helpful to ADHD folks, especially if they refuse to take meds but DH won't do either meds or exercise. He sits in his chair every minute he is not working and watches you tube videos or plays video games despite four counselors suggesting he get off the chair and go work out. We live within walking distance of the YMCA that we belong to. We also live two blocks from Lake Michigan and there is a lovely walking trail all around it. Literally could not be easier to go do something active. The other three of us do. Again, four counselors, 900 excuses.
What really set me off is each of them giving me lists of what I could change. I understand the "stop blaming", "stop reminding", but if the chore he is supposed to do is take out the garbage and it's not getting done and then I just do it, what motivation does he have to do it? I would bring this up in counseling, he would be all sheepish and sorry and we would go home and repeat the cycle all over again. So we would take that particular chore off the list because he just couldn't remember and sub in a different chore. Pretty soon there were no chores on the list that he could remember and it was all me again. The counselors would say I just have to accept him for who he is. How is that helpful? From what I read here and from my own experience, those of us who do not have ADHD are pretty tired of the laundry list of what WE should/could/ought to change to make life easier for a person who is in fact making OUR lives much much harder than they need to be and on top of that is either defiant about that or has no idea they are even doing that and sometimes costs the family money with their clueless or irresponsible behavior. For us it set up a terrible parent-child dynamic that really damaged our marriage beyond repair. Time management--a robust reminder system--yes! Along with one of the counselors, we set up a white board calendar in the kitchen that I change every month. It has all the necessary family stuff on it, but not TOO much so we don't overwhelm (like my haircuts aren't on there, or my appointments that only affect me) AND we have a shared google family calendar that all four of us are on. Again, I don't clutter it up with MY stuff--I have it color coded so DH and the boys only see family stuff and I see everything. DH will ask me when something is and I will say it's on the calendar and he gets mad. Or he will tell me when he is traveling for work and I will ask him to put it on the family calendar and he will say he did but not once has it actually appeared there. He claimed to know how to do that but not one time has anything he says he posted ever appeared there correctly. I offered to show him and he refused. So instead he sends me screen shots of his travel plans and I post them on the family calendar. Which he doesn't use. For all the years our kids have been in school, he has claimed to want to help them with their homework but not one time has he signed up for the email updates that the teachers send out. In high school they use google classroom (I use it at my school--could not be easier). In August we both got an email to reply and put in some code so parents get updates each day--not personalized, just from each class. He didn't do that so he has no idea what is going on in DS's classes. Not my problem, but then I am the bitch that has to come home and tell DH and DS to turn off the TV (that we agreed won't be on on school days) and have DS do his homework. And DH will say I didn't know he had any. And I will say I got an email. And he will say I didn't because I didn't know how to sign up. Well, an entire school full of parents figured it out, you can too. What do I say back to that?
Look, most of this is moot for us--one son is two years out of high school, one is graduating in June and DH and I are separating at the end of the school year. I am done. I am done being the parent of a grown man who has access to many tools that he refuses to use. I am done hearing from professionals what I should do to make HIS life easier when he has cost us more money than I can count and cost me more time and energy than I care to list from his lack of attention to his own issues. If this man had, say, diabetes, it would not be unreasonable to expect him to manage it so he could be a good and present husband and father, would it? And yet we make so many excuses as to why ADHD adults are off the hook and I just cannot do it any more. If it is a mental illness then we can't expect them to function as equals. If they expect to be treated as equals they need to function as equals. Can't have it both ways. How can a person expect to be treated as an adult but have none of the responsibilities of one? My kids (ages 17 and 19) think their father is the best--he is immature and fools around with them all the time--it's maddening. BUT--when they need something of substance, they come to me because they know he is a child. I took care of the older one buying a car--he even said to me "mom can you do this with me-dad won't be able to". I took care of the 17 year old's college stuff--FAFSA and applications, etc. DH has no idea. At some point it will occur to them who really shepherded this family through.
Not effective counseling
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
With a repetitive pattern of agreeing and not doing, the counselors should have moved to a different tactic - specifically an ADHD coach. Yes, I know, he doesn't wish to admit to his ADHD, but he has follow through issues no matter what you label it, and an ADHD coach could help him fix that...label or no. But, of course, one has to be open to doing the work...and it sounds as if he isn't and/or hasn't been.
I hear the 'accept me as I am' line with regularity. My response is "there is a bottom line to being a good partner. If you don't meet that bottom line standard (which is whatever the couple together sets up, plus some basics such as respectful behavior) then it's your responsibility to get yourself to that level...ADHD or no." ADHD is a reason for past behavior but not an excuse for continuing that. A good counselor can help the two of you figure out what is manageable but not being currently managed (and it does sound from your description that he could do better) and what really can't be. If he were exercising, and using a calendar, and STILL couldn't follow through with consistency, you might be more patient. The issue is that it doesn't even seem as if he's trying...at least that you can see.
In any event, a coach can help provide perspective and accountability from someone other than you. It may be too late for that now as relates to your relationship, but he would benefit from it in other areas of his life. It's not possible that these same traits don't impact him in other realms...
Melissa
The issue is that it doesn't even seem as if he's trying
Submitted by adhd32 on
To Melissa and Dvance, this is my H's MO too. The issue is that he isn't trying and is not really interested in trying. He is, after all, his own man as he has stated many times whether he is driving like a madman racking up tickets or is blind to the disasters happening around him and just ignores what very obviously needs to be done. Just like Dvance I took care of our children's lives rather than being brought down to his substandard level of cleanliness, commitment, and socialization. I too was always the fun police while he was riding along happy to let the chips fall where they may; never proactive, just putting out fires and mad at the world because things are so unfair, always expecting accommodations when deadlines are missed and he is inconvenienced or penalized in some way. I laughed out loud when I read the line about "robust reminders". I suppose for someone who really, really, really wants to change they would work. I wonder how many of your clients actually make it to a life coach and if they do, how many actually willingly accept constructive criticism and suggestions following through to sustained change. Frankly, after reading the many, many posts from the people on this forum who actually have ADD they are not looking to change, they want to be accepted as they are. I am not sure they want to live life being a good partner. I think they just want to live however they want without many expectations, suggestions or comments from their partner. They want good times and fun, not responsibility and deadlines and they do not want help changing anything.
ME TOO!!
Submitted by Alone on
I agree with you about the not following through etc. My husband was dx about 1 year ago after I thought he was having an affair. It was the case where he was spending more time with another woman than me. He said there was nothing but again I was the one alone on weekends while he was doing things with her. We went to counseling - I set that up of course. Well that was a joke!!! The counselor said he specialized in ADHD - well he gave us homework to do -- like spending time with each other each day - setting time aside and to ask each other out on "dates". Well this never happened - I asked and he was always too busy!!!! How deflating is that!! - so week after week the only time we communicated was during therapy Which was costly - I canceled it after several months. It was ridiculous to spend that kind of money to talk to my HUSBAND for an hour!!!. He is medicated and still thinks that ADHD is an asset!!. He was in a virtual group therapy with a counselor and its focus was on how to manage the ADHD symptoms to be better at work. WHAT about relationships!!!! He said the same thing - Im the problem and he is who he is!!. It is so sad because I know we all got into these relationships because we loved and cherished this person - but after years and years of doing all the chores and taking care of him - Im tired!!! We have talked divorce. We have a child that has 1 more year of high school so don't want to make matters worse. He has made no effort to change. Like you he is the fun one and takes our son on trips and watches TV with him almost every night with his computer and 2 monitors on the side table. He can't even just watch a show without his computer. Tonight again Im all alone - he is in his office and our son is out with friends. So sad!!! I just want someone to think of me once instead of himself!!! He puts himself first!!!!. Sorry for the rambling but it just makes me so sad!!
These traits absolutely
Submitted by dvance on
These traits absolutely affect him in other areas--he has been fired from his last three jobs after three years--all of them almost three years to the day. Would you believe it is NEVER his fault and each of those companies was going to FOLD without him because he was the ONLY person there who knew ANYTHING about what was going on. And each time he is hired by another company I could recite the speech: thank GOD they hired me because the last guy who did my job messed everything up. His passenger car window has been cracked for two years. He has been "going to make the appointment to have it fixed" for two years. It took him a year to make an appointment with an eye doctor despite headaches from a glasses prescription that wasn't right. We have eye doctor insurance AND two eye docs that take our insurance within walking distance, both of which have Saturday hours. I even offered to make an appointment. He refused. So okay, get headaches and be crabby. Look, as I said, most of this is moot for me. I am done. I agreed to stay until the youngest graduated from high school and that will happen in June. I want out so bad I can taste it. I feel like I live in an alternate reality. I go between thinking DH is a bad guy and just a damaged guy who never got the help he should have gotten as a kid depending on when you ask me. I am sure he had learning issues, perhaps processing or reading issues--by his own account he hated school, was always in trouble, got terrible grades, went into the Air Force right out of high school. Even after serving for many years, he didn't advance very far. I have been a teacher for 17 years and it breaks my heart that DH didn't get the help he needed--I see kids all the time who remind me of what DH may have been like--unfocused, difficulty completing pretty much any task that is asked of them, interrupting, unclear thinking, and we know that ADHD often has other learning issues traveling with it Who knows how much more successful he may have been. Bottom line-from my own experience and from reading here, it seems to me that many many ADHD adults are just not suited to long term relationships. And that is fine--then don't have them and for gods sake don't take us down with you. I have wasted the best years of my life and now at age 48 am faced with starting over alone. Because of repeated unemployments and poor financial decisions, we have virtually no savings and our kids have no college savings. Not a great way to start a second act. I know I will NEVER live under the same roof as a man ever again. I would sooner scrape out my eyeballs with a spoon.
An ADHD coach would be fabulous for DH but he is not interested. He thinks he is fine and it's me who is unreasonable and that my standards are too high. He has told me this. He has also told me that he has to take care of himself and if that hurts my feelings then so be it. How is that conducive to a healthy marriage? We all know people who operate every day on the edge, for whom everything is a gigantic project, everything is last minute, everything is a crisis. I have families in my school like that, I have friends like this, I have teachers on my staff like this. That's fine--people can run their lives any way they want, I just cannot live like that. So perhaps that is the acceptance that we are told to have?? My DH is not required to do anything FOR me exactly, I would have thought in a marriage you would want to be your best self, but maybe not.
Your husband is the perfect example...
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Your husband is a perfect example of what I try to communicate to both ADHD and non-ADHD partners in my seminars. It isn't ADHD that causes divorce, it's denial. Your husband has denied that his ADHD makes a difference in his life, in spite of clear evidence otherwise and has, therefore, kept himself from getting the help he needs to change his (and while married, your) life for the better. It breaks my heart every time I hear stories like these, but I get it. And I get completely why you are leaving. Denial leads to only three possible choices for partners - giving in and going along, which inevitably leads to anger and is unsustainable; fighting back, which is unsustainable; or leaving...which you are doing.
Best of luck to you in your next journey. I hope that you are able to find forgiveness for both him and yourself - not because he has earned it, but because forgiveness will allow you to move on without the resentment; bitterness and hurt 'sticking' inside you. Ned Hallaowell's book "Dare to Forgive" is a good resource if you decide to go down this path as a way to be free of your husband's influence in the future.
Thank you for all of us
Submitted by Brindle on
Melissa, thank you. Thank you on behalf of all of us in a marriage with a spouse in denial. Your response is so affirming, so comforting. I’m not dvance, but I’ve reread your response three times. Thank you.
I'm sure I have work to do on
Submitted by dvance on
I'm sure I have work to do on forgiveness but I know that once I am out of here I don't care if I ever see DH again as long as I live. Because we share two children that is unlikely, but if I could--I would just as soon never see him or hear his voice ever again. Is that bitterness or just being so thoroughly wrung out and used up and exhausted that I have not one ounce of sympathy left for him? I just want time and space to find out who I am NOT always in crisis mode, not walking around waiting for the next disaster, not monitoring everything I say, not being told I'm the problem. I want my old spark back-the spark I had before I had to dumb it down to not make DH feel bad about himself. I want to live in a sane world again, not the bizarro world that is ADHD, where there are drawers full of unopened junk mail, phone calls don't get returned, no project is ever finished, lies are told "just to end the conversation", you tube videos and video games are more interesting than live people. It really makes me question my own sanity sometimes.
Hi, Dvance
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
What I hope for you is that you get your old spark back and that this gives you the strength and knowledge to know you are doing well, and then because of that strength, that you might also be able to intermittently interact with your husband in a way that is kind...because once he no longer controls your life, what do you have to lose by being kind? And what do you have to gain by hanging onto the bitterness? Hopefully, since you have little interest in interacting, the only times you will have to do so will be at family gatherings etc.
dance, me too
Submitted by jennalemone on
I had to dumb it down to not make DH feel bad about himself.
I did this too and after all these years, doing that did not serve me well. He seems happy as a clam in slop and I am half the person I used to be. I am ashamed of myself. I am reconsidering so many things I once thought and believed about life and how to "be". I regret so much.
Wow, just reading this feels
Submitted by Alone on
Wow, just reading this feels like it has set me free!! Thank you, Thank you Melissa!!! I keep thinking what have I done, What can I do better, How can I try harder but he is in total denial how it affects relationships. I think he thinks the grass is greener on the other side!!! ( another woman) that shares his latest passion. It is sad because I wanted to be the one he wanted to spend time with. Your right it is over!! Im 55 and starting over is scary but has to be done. I will be getting the book " Dare to Forgive". Thank you so much!!!
breakthrough today
Submitted by felixfrancine on
Thanks for the feedback and insights, Melissa. I had thought it was possible that the therapist we have been seeing has, like you, decided not to deal with the ADHD label, but instead to focus on the issues that we face in our relationship. I can respect that. She does seem like a wise and skilled couples therapist. When I started to consider my own role and behavior in the sessions, I saw that I was focusing on ADHD a lot and that doing so was unproductive. I went back and read the Step 2 and Step 3 chapters in your book and realized that I need to dial back the ADHD talk and fretting and pursue acting on the positive connections that my husband and I thankfully still can make (fortunately there a quite a few!) Rereading those two chapters and then dipping in to other sections I had highlighted in The ADHD Effect of Marriage helped me realize that I have figured out what my boundaries are, that anger is no longer helpful for me, that I can be okay with not controlling what my husband does, and that, in the end, simultaneously loving myself and loving him was the way to hit the sweet spot. There has been a palpable sense in our household of tension and anger de-escalating. I am wondering if now my husband feels he has his own space (literally and figuratively) to handle his role in our marriage. Whatever the reason, he has taken action: this morning during the session with the therapist, he announced that he wants help with executive function and that although he does completely understand how ADHD is harming our relationship, he believes that it does. He asked the therapist if he could explore taking medication. She referred him to a psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD and administers that evaluation you referenced in your post ("a computer 'test' that has people focused on when dots show up on the screen (and where) and tests how long they can stay with it.") It goes without saying that I am grateful--elated--by this development. But you know what is almost even better? Thanks to your book (and long talks with a cousin of mine who is a recovered alcoholic), I know I will be okay no matter what. I've learned a great deal about myself during this process. It has been awful, but is has also been a revelation. I feel delighted and relieved to have rediscovered myself. I've feel confident that I can stand up for myself, energized not by anger, but by love--for myself and for my husband.
Thank you for pointing out that an ADHD evaluation is more than just filling out a form. I'm not convinced that our current couples counselor did her due diligence in that regard. I am going to keep an open mind while also considering that she may not be the best therapist for us. Even if my husband does on medication, if she does not approach the work with us from the vantage point of how ADHD has manifested, we may not fare so well in the long term. Does that make sense to you?
Great!
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
It's so great when one partner steps back and the other one steps up as a result! Doesn't always happen, but when it does it demonstrates that both partners are engaged in the process of improvement and that they are willing to take smart 'risks' for the sake of themselves and the relationship. Good work! And I'm glad to hear that my work helped you do the self-assessment needed to find yourself again and have confidence that you can move forward and that there is another way that will work out.
It is always good to assess whether or how a therapist is helping you. Many therapists aren't too aware of taking ADHD into account - this isn't taught in the masters programs (or hasn't been up to now) but it is not a reflection on your therapist's desire to do good work with you. Some are willing to learn more - some couples provide The ADHD Effect to their therapist - or recommend reading a book written for therapists on the topic called The Distracted Couple. Even a cursory review of this material can be enough to bring ADHD into the conversation.
One reason therapists may resist dealing with ADHD has to do with the non=ADHD partner putting a lot of weight onto ADHD as the 'culprit' for the issues in the relationship, which is WAY too simplistic. It sounds as if you are learning that backing away from that sort of blame is helpful to your husband - it can also be helpful in the therapy. Try to look to yourself and what you can do better - and hopefully your husband's new doctor might be willing to provide some insights into how he can manage ADHD better, too. If not, his willingness to take medications could be nurtured and turned into a willingness to consider the management of ADHD as a positive and, eventually, even embrace itas part of your therapy, even if not led by the therapist. Assess the therapist, but don't discount the work because it's not specifically ADHD focused...it helps, but so does having a really great therapist...
If that makes sense...
"One reason therapists may
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"One reason therapists may resist dealing with ADHD has to do with the non=ADHD partner putting a lot of weight onto ADHD as the 'culprit' for the issues in the relationship, which is WAY too simplistic."
Maybe it's the other way around. Maybe the nonADHD partner puts weight onto the ADHD because therapists resist dealing with ADHD and prefer to make the nonADHD partner the culprit.
I really appreciate this
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I really appreciate this comment. Many of us non adhd spouses have been blamed solely for the problems in our marriage. This is especially true when there is no diagnosis and sometimes true even when there is a diagnosis. And if we survive til the day that adhd is finally held accountable, we’re still made responsible for dealing with the problem.
Possibly
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
It is certainly possible. Though I'm not sure it serves you well to do so. My own experiences with couples suggest that if the ADHD needs to be de-emphasized, doing so helps BOTH partners better speak their minds.
Therapist looks for a 'win' so focuses on non-ADHDer
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Maybe the therapist realizes making any meaningful 'progress' in the near term with a reluctant ADHDer has limited chance of success. Therefore the therapist focuses on the non-ADHDer who is far more likely to actually work to implement any suggestions the therapist may have. This could show the ADHDer that 'something' is happening and that the ADHDer should also try to participate. (On the other hand the AHDHer may just 'pocket' the improvements and reinforce their believe that 'other people' are supposed to make accommodations for them.)
pocketing the work
Submitted by jennalemone on
(Other the other hand the AHDHer may just 'pocket' the improvements and reinforce their believe that 'other people' are supposed to make accommodations for them.)
Yes, This has happened here too. H has said that he never thought HE would be so successful in life. While I never thought I would be so miserable and am not living up to my expectations and effort. He has pocketed the work I did to keep this thing barely afloat and turned it around in his mind that HE made it happen. He walks around like a peacock, giggling and I wonder "How did I marry this oblivious teenager who never grew up?" Then, he acts his happy-go-lucky-impish-child role and guess how that makes me feel? I cannot make myself untrue to my self to put on a happy, contented face when I am with him. For today, anyway, I am giving myself a break and writing to say that It is not my fault that I feel unloved in my adult life. And what is life about if not to share it lovingly with others? My love just filled a bucket with a big hole in it and fell on the earth like it was nothing. While he, in his mind, believes himself to be this successful, gregarious flirt? I have been lonely and afraid as his wife.
I have also spent 26 years lonely and afraid as her husband.
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
'I have been lonely and afraid as his wife.'
I have also spent 26 years lonely and afraid as her husband. I have come to dread any momentary happiness (where 'happiness' is defined as feeling that life is almost 'normal') because [cue: theme from Jaws] THE NEXT CRISIS IS ABOUT TO APPEAR! Never failed. Time and again. Forever.
Oh, and '... guess how that makes me feel?'. In my case after so long it makes me feel like a chump.
How true
Submitted by Alone on
I totally understand!!! When I met my husband many years ago he only had bills to his name and I had worked 2 jobs so I could have a nice place to live and someday be comfortable. I helped him financially go back to college and get his degree. Now I work part time while doing all the household tasks, yard work, grocery shopping and taking care of my mom. He now too has a successful job. But he thinks he deserves so much more than me. He does not get it that he couldn’t do what he does if he didn’t have a housekeeper, personal assistant, and gardener. But he doesn’t even notice me or think what I do helps out the whole house. I guess that is the adhd. He is so self righteous. He has said he has done nothing wrong in our relationship. Well that just leaves me. Sometimes it feels good to vent!!!! I totally get it!!!! If only they did!!!!
Counselling
Submitted by Alone on
We went to counseling for over 6 months. The therapist was aware of my spouses adhd. He wanted us to start making time for each other and spending 1 hour daily talking or doing something. Well my husband would always have an excuse. Most of the time it was work related. But he always found time for his interests. We were supposed to ask each other out on dates. Well I did many times. Most of the time he was too busy or he would go and not talk to me or yell at me that he had other things to do. He told me I demanded him to do things with me. Really? Well anyway I cancelled our counseling because it was a waste of time and money!!! We are talking divorce. I can’t live with someone that can’t even ask me to dinner. It’s sad because I too love and cherish this person. He is in total denial of how adhd affects relationships. I’m the bad guy!!! I have been relying on my faith and counseling to get me thru this. Good luck!
My ex-husband also seemed to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My ex-husband also seemed to schedule his time (while we were married) so that there was no time to spend with me.
So I’m not alone. I see it is
Submitted by Alone on
So I’m not alone. I see it is now your ex husband. Are you much happier? I guess I had a different idea about what marriage should be. Two people wanting to do things together. I’m close to retirement and it looks like I will be on my own. But I guess I have always been alone.
I am happier. I feel bad for
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I am happier. I feel bad for him. He lives with his parents (his choice), works for them as a full-time caregiver (his choice), and is miserable (according to him).
I'm certain I won't be in another romantic relationship and I probably won't ever date again. So, I will be alone for the rest of my life, too. That has minuses and pluses.
Counselor didn't really get ADHD
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Working successfully with couples impacted by ADHD means that you assume that the ADHD partner would actually be doing things such as asking you out on dates if it were as easy as deciding to do so. So you don't just say 'you should ask your partner out on dates.' That misses the point. The point is that there is not a skillset in place to consistently remember to do this. Instead, whatever is most urgent in the moment (rarely going out on dates, sadly) or most interesting in the moment, gets the attention. ADHD isn't about attention deficit, it's about attention dysregulation. In addition, what you describe sounds like avoidance behavior, as well. His defensiveness when you bring it up suggests there are other issues, as well. To make things worse, you are likely feeling pretty disappointed by his not following through on this, and he picks up your disappointment in your tone of voice, which triggers feelings of being a failure in him...making him not want to deal with it. Don't get this last comment wrong - I'm not blaming you for his triggers, just trying to help you understand the dynamics.
Your husband likely would benefit from a great ADHD coach who will work with him on strategies for follow through on what he commits to as well as mindfulness - so he is more aware of his triggers and responses, and can (over time) choose ways to respond other than defensiveness.