Is 'clamming up' during stressful or difficult conversations linked with ADHD or is that just an individual character trait?
For a long, long time our 'conversations' have consisted of me talking and him supposedly listening. Even serious conversations about our ill daughter evokes the same response. Total silence. He will get off his chair and walk round the room or stretch or do something else physical but there is no verbal response.
He emotionally detached from me a few months ago and is only living in the same house due to financial restrictions so I am at a loss to know if his response is due to his unwillingness to talk to me personally (in which case I would have no patience for someone who can't be civil or adult given the seriousness of the subject matter) or if it's a 'shut down' because of his ADHD. If that was the case then I'd have more patience with him.
Asking him directly offers no help. He just looks out of the window and wont engage.
Does anyone have any insight as to whether this may be ADHD related or not?
He's in denial about his ADHD and wont see anyone to get tested so it's not like I can ask a therapist or Doctor who knows him.
My husband is like this, too.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My husband is like this, too. I don't know if it's ADHD related. I find it very disturbing.
GailT husband did the same
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Hi, GailT, my ADHD husband has done this also during "difficult" discussions. He just wouldn't talk, or he would deflect the conversation to something else. He'd get very defensive and angry, like I was attacking him, but I wasn't. I wanted to understand what was happening between us. No matter how carefully I worded things, or how nicely I asked him about something, he either wouldn't or couldn't talk about issues we very much needed to work out.
He is getting much better now, but this has been after 31 years. (23 years undiagnosed ADHD, 8 years under-treated ADHD) I was at my lowest point, and told him I was done, and didn't like what his ADHD had done to me. Things started changing, and he's really trying now. We still haven't discussed in any kind of detail, how to make things better between us, but he is treating me better, being kinder and trying to help me in ways he NEVER EVER did before.
But, all those other years, were exhausting. I didn't know what to do because my husband would NOT discuss anything. (especially our sex life) He tuned out, and didn't pay attention (innatentive ADHD) and did most of the talking AT me about lots of other things. He talked, I listened, because he didn't listen well. I learned to say things in very short statements, because he would get SO impatient waiting for me to explain something. It made me feel like he didn't value my thoughts, feelings or opinions. I didn't KNOW it was because HE COULDN'T do this, but even after he knew about his ADHD, he still didn't learn anything about it, he only took the medication. the meds DID help quite a bit, to help him focus and slow down the racing thoughts in his head.
I don't know if this helps at all, and I don't know if not talking is an ADHD trait or not, but just to let you know, we lived/live it also. Glad you're here and keep on posting.
My husband is like this too.
Submitted by MFrances on
My husband is like this too. I'm amazed that for someone that likes to talk as much as he does, how silent he is when the situation warrants him actually talking. There are times he is completely silent. No one would believe me when I say that. I'll say something or ask something important and I get no reply at all. I want to video one of these exchanges. Or if we are arguing, he'll leave the room (supposedly to calm down) but he won't say anything, like, I'm really mad right now and I need to take a break and come back more calm to talk more about this. He'll just turn and walk away. And when he comes back-does not mention the fight he walked out on. Just goes about his business as usual. I'm all for taking a break and regrouping but one can't just walk away and then return like nothing happened. Of course, in his mind, nothing probably did happen. He probably forgot!
My husband is like this too.
Submitted by GailT on
My husband is like this too. I'm amazed that for someone that likes to talk as much as he does, how silent he is when the situation warrants him actually talking. There are times he is completely silent. No one would believe me when I say that.
Thanks for the replies, I've often felt the situation was a little surreal at times, just because it seemed to weird. It's almost like having a conversation with an alien who doesn't know the normal way of this planet is to respond and participate during conversations.
The above resonated with me - no-one would believe me either. I've had the 'yeah sure, it can't be that bad' type of comment or raised eyebrow. Well yes actually, it really is!
"My husband is like this too.
Submitted by redhead1017 on
"My husband is like this too. I'm amazed that for someone that likes to talk as much as he does, how silent he is when the situation warrants him actually talking. There are times he is completely silent. No one would believe me when I say that. "
Yes! Whenever there are important things to talk about, he just gets a blank look on his face. If I ask him if he has anything to say, he says "well I don't know". I stopped trying to talk to him about important issues years and years ago.
I Think This is ADHD
Submitted by kellyj on
I have ADHD and I do this. I'm not always aware (probably most of the time) until someone points it out. What's happening? Usually...it's when I have something on my mind or a thought I'm deeply processing (hyperfocus)...picture doing a math problem in your head and someone trying to talk to you or ask you a question at the same tim...it doesn't work. You need to focus only the numbers and computing it until you arrive at the answer. Feels the same for me but I am apt to do this at other times too...not just doing math. Anything I'm thinking about in a similar way. When I'm in hyperfocus mode...nothing exists except for the one thing I'm thinking about. I want to throw in something on the side here. THIS IS NOT DAY DREAMING!! if I'm day dreaming....I'm relaxed, comfortable and usually completely aware of my surroundings and other things going on around me..noises etc....and probably much more connected than if I'm hyper focusing I'm intense (laser focus is a more descriptive term I think) because my mind is free to just wander. Hyper focusing is not mental wandering even though it may look like it......FYI.
My math example is a good one if you want to know what it is like to hyper focus. It requires 100% of your brain and you do this by shutting off all extraneous mental inputs and demands from any where else. Complete and total disconnect except for just one idea thought or mental function to do a very specific thing.
But from your description...especially the part about getting up from a long difficult conversation and walking around or stretching in complete silence....seemingly all at once with no warning or out of context to anything going on or to what your saying....seemingly, checking out for no apparent reason?
When I do this....it means I'm done. Literally. And it happens just the way it appears. Just like a battery that suddenly goes dead. Same thing. I don't much warning either. the getting up and walking around is a side effect or precursor to this....early warning sign. But this is no joke. When I'm done...I'm done. Batteries dead and needs to recharge. No negotiations....no choice on my end. Time for a time out or else the stress and anxiety meter starts peaking in a hurry...like almost immediately.
If I'm correct here about your husband. He has no choice in the matter and this is definitely related to ADHD.. Watch him next time he does this and see if you don't see the anxiety manifesting itself right after you witness this.....physically walking around, nervous body movements, tapping foot, pulling hair, rubbing hands etc....
If this is the case....that's what's happening. Taking offense or getting angry or irritated (for seemingly rude behavior ) will only piss a person like this off unless they become aware of it. If they aren't they won't be able to answer you when pressed. Keep pressing...you will get irritation or anger.
It's the bodies (brain) unconscious response to being overloaded or saturated.....there's nothing you can do about it if you are like this except learn to excuse yourself and take a time out. Usually.....5 to 10 minutes is all I need to come back and continue. If I am in a situation where I can't do this....I will literally start to sweat...become overheated and feel like I'm going to jump right out of my skin.
People who see this and mistake this for something else are asking for trouble if they can't give that person a time out and few minutes to come down. They can't help it! You're the one making it worse if you cannot recognize this and then keep after that person while this is happening.
Ridiculing, teasing, voicing your own displeasure or voicing your offense to this will surely piss that person off and for good reason. It's like kicking a person when they are on the ground. It's abusive.
Just say'in.
J
Correlation for the Non-ADHD'er
Submitted by kellyj on
Picture this if you want to now what this feels like. You've just had your morning (cups?) of coffee and you are rushing out the door to work. Oops..You forgot to pee. Now your sitting on the bus and you are beginning to get uncomfortable. Your bladder is starting to tell you it's time to evacuate...but there you sit...and there's nothing you can do about until you find a rest room. Anyone been her before? As time passes and now it's getting bad....your getting tense, your squeezing your legs together and you've REALLY got to go!!!!! Now......your bladder has just gone to critical. All you can think about is getting to a toilet as fast as possible. People could be talking to you and you wouldn't know....or care! The discomfort is so great that it overtakes your thinking and nothing matters. Do you think if someone was telling you a story or telling you something that you needed to remember that you are going to hear what they are saying let alone remember a date of a time or some kind of instruction.
If you answer yes you are not being honest.
There is not a human being on this planet that is still alive that has not...and will not experience the discomfort that comes from a full bladder. It's a fact of life and everyone can relate. In this scenario, on your best and concerted behavior...you might find it in yourself to continue to be polite and courteous. Many people under these conditions become grouchy and rude which is...in my opinion...uncalled for.
But no one you would say to " I gotta pee so bad it hurts" will not know what you are saying.
Now....picture this scenario with someone getting pissy with you because you have a full bladder and you are discomfort. (pun intended) Everyone know this feeling....one of your body parts is trying to tell you it needs immediate attention...it's how the human body ( and brain ) works.
Who's the asshole in this example....you or the person getting pissy with you?
I'm not going to answer this because it would be simply ridiculous to have to.
I rest my case
J
Dont KNOW what you're talking about...But today...I,Me and Me &
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
<<<< Lets Say >>>> (you) are a professor @ Progressive Rebuilders for Thinking. (oh::::wow...I got totally lost in soo many starts and finishins of time and speace) Ok...back.. so..PRT...winner for looking top of gold on papper. ....HHEEYYYY....OGM...I really Am not at peace not feeling love and exxcitement of situataion. sure i should but no., pure saddness and hollow sinking into a darker void beyound the Vvv...vv.
Wow: just totally caught myself from not doing the doomed word "(Empathy and it's survival rates in ADDers)" ...you know...me jumping straight into conversation 'assuming' or some thin inconsiderate or diruptive
Well..what was it..?oh yeah..the the MOVE and POLICE**
Remind me later..gotta roam.
You are rare J....
Submitted by c ur self on
There's nothing wrong with the difference's in how our minds deal with things...The problem is when we do not set down and honestly and calming explain ( did I really say the word calmly, that's another difference Ha Ha! ) to the person we are fixing to try and coexist with, what it's going to be like at times...And how it's never intentional when hyper-focus and distractions rob us from the ability to communicate at times, like we can at other times...But, my love and appreciation of you is in no wise in jeopardy because of how my mind works.
The flight syndrome isn't all that bad ladies...My wife has the fight till the death syndrome...
I think most of us finally figure it out about the time we decide we hate each other LOL..LOL>
WAIT!!! ----Flight Syndrome--
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
WAIT!!! ----Flight Syndrome------------!!!-?????? ---- what is this? I don't know but it sounds something like what I've been describing and have never been able to define or name. I'm new to this life and am learning a lot!! Is this really a thing?? I really hope so. It would provide a lot of comfort to know for myself and to be able to explain to others who just don't get it. 'Are you working yet!?' ...'Why are you not working yet?' .........'What?'.....(secretly but obviously judging me). I never really have an answer. All I can ever say is: 'Im just not ready yet." but I'm going to therapy and doing this or that. ....... they don't get it. I know they just think i'm lazy or something.
PS. REALLY HARD for me to let go of: recently, I found out that my new x had been describing out breakup as: "I just can't handle her...and all the mood swings! - She's NOT stable." I don't know why..but the last part about not being stable really stabbed me. And still does. I'm working on it though.
What's important: Flight Syndrome!!?
Fight or Flight syndrome!
Submitted by c ur self on
If you can laugh, fellowship about games, movies, anything light and fun, and maybe some things serious as long as it's about someone else or their problems...But, the minute your spouse asks you to have a conversation about finances, budgeting, responsibilities to do with the needs of the marriage, household and or children...You clam up, and if they press you just a little trying to get you to meet them half way on these subjects that must be dealt with...cause this is real life....You either get ugly, and make up something to argue about that doesn't even relate to the issue...Or you grab your key's and run out the door and leave....And usually come home and act like nothing ever happened.....
That's my best description of the fight or flight syndrome...:)
Great description, curself!
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Great description, curself! I said to a friend the other day that my husband and I get along fine as long as I don't talk about anything personally significant and as long as I ignore or deny any problems we have.
Heheehe!! Thanks for that.
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
Heheehe!! Thanks for that. I just chuckled out loud in the midst of the crazy amount of words/thoughts/explanation of 'fight or flight'. Got a bit lost. For all: I understand the conventional Webster version (aging myself) of the phrase. I guess I was looking for validation for the behaviors that I've obviously (seldomly) shown during a major transition. You know: the one that i SHUT DOWN and justify and defend my position of 'doing nothing' to everyone around me yet not really knowing what I'm talking about....The void that takes control of me and my decisions. Remember, I am new to this game, therefore am still learning the lingo and trying to put the pieces together as in how it applies to me...ADHD or simply me.
You do not have to defend your position....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's YOUR position...I do not have to defend MY position, it is my position to take...There may consequences to the position I choose, but, I do not have to defend it...If I find myself defending it...I probably should just ask my self....Self; is your position innocent? Or is there intent there that is meant to negatively impact myself or another individual?
But I do not have to defend it...because it is mine.....
Oh..I'm not. Or at least I
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
Oh..I'm not. Or at least I don't think I am. Right now...I'm feeling very lost in transition. Lost with my current situation of moving and trying to calm myself due to the anxiety I feel now...my plans for truck and trailer went thru the cracks*** note to self-respond. Lost in the actual vs what I have been. And simply trying to find my footing right now. But! I can see now: how defensive I've been (recent encounter) and how my negative thoughts about myslef effectede what I was planning to say next. 'Always on the defensive offense'. Simply said: I'm learning to love. Starting with myself. I need to define what that is for myself. I see that now. I'm a bit unsure how to get there. Patience is the game. That's another thing I could work on...but thats a whole thing in itself.
** I don't remember who and when this was 'said' : Never do anything that is contingent on someone else. This stuck with me and I put it in my mind for self talk...but appearently.. that time is now! As I mentioned before: truck and trailer plans fell thru today. Bummer. Then I remembered that quote and tried thinking about my situation in a calm fashion...with solution in mind. Nothing more. Not the norm...AAAhhh!! What now...oh no.panic and go to bed. So: I looked up Uhaul..which led to a civil conversation with the X about sharing the cost. Because I think it's only fair. You know... I further explained calmly (because of his grimis) that I want you to understand: I'm saying this because I think it's fair and Not because I can't do it on my own. He then said: Ok. I feel pretty good about the encounter. Small but a big victory for me.
So: Thanks for that!! I'm starting to get quite the wall of quote post its!!
Good luck w/your move...
Submitted by c ur self on
(Never do anything that is contingent on someone else.) I don't agree with this statement...I think we should trust other's and share and have fellowship in life with others...
The problems I see in life when it comes to dealing with others....Is trusting people who's own Mother's wouldn't trust them...Usually that happens by people that are so Co-dependent all their looking for is someone to carry them in life....
If I live a responsible life, and surround myself with responsible trust worthy people...That's about the best contingency plan a person can have if obligations breakdown for any reason...
I Can See What You Mean
Submitted by kellyj on
But to put this into the context specific to me for example, as my therapist intended it to say ....... that any time I acted on my anger towards my wife ( lost my temper or yelled at her for example ) no matter if I was completely justified and in the right for being upset and angry.....my wife did not make me yell or lose my temper.....that is 100% my choice no mater what. Emotions do not cause actions or make you do anything....actions are always a choice and are not contingent on anything anyone else does even IF you are in the right.
This directly related to the part of my comment in this thread that was speaking about changing my response to someone ( including my wife ) that might even unintentionally say or do something that may be completely hurtful or even abusive......no matter what I did in response to this I was always 100% responsible for my behavior no matter how justified I was.
We're using this statement in a much different context...:)
Submitted by c ur self on
But I will take my Hat off to the man or women who can be with in their rights as you say... to be angry, and still keep their mouth shut...I never mastered it...So I'm working on it from the other end...Stay under control...Never let my emotions reflect those of someone who has allowed their's to get away from them;)....Haven't mastered this either... But, thankfully I'm much better...
When I get puke it up honest with myself, about why an individual that has been blessed to be able to share love and be a peace maker as I have been, would ever get angry enough to say the things I've said to another individual. Even one that I love...It just shows me the depravity of the carnal nature...I just haven't ever been put under the pressure I've been put under in my own home, until I married my wife...It was always there, laying dormant, never threatened in this way...Pride, calling for fairness, it's never ending is it? No one wants to be humbled...We all desire to save our lives...I have no excuse, I am what you see...A desperately needy individual...I'm co-dependent for Jesus to live in me....
I See That C ur self....I've Also Neglected......
Submitted by kellyj on
.....to include the important follow through to this line of thought which I think you might connect to based on what you've said.
The reason why it's so important to have control of what you do and for taking responsibility for your own actions ( still using the one example of responding with anger to someone...yelling or saying things in the moment that you might regret later ) is for that very reason....that you ultimately have to live with the consequences. Regret in this case. And regret comes from guilt and shame. When you feel these emotions they are telling you something ( as for all emotions ). They are telling you that you did something that you yourself do not approve of which is a form of self betrayal. That's the bottom line and the end of the road. This is what feels bad and what you carry around with you after all is said and done.
This is the complete train of steps that happens inside of you no matter what you do. If you have the feeling that something is wrong but cannot tell exactly why that is.....it usually has something to do with where this "train" ends up when it comes to the end of the line for each an everything we do.
So to put this bluntly and succinctly.......you need to do this for yourself MORE than you are doing it for the other person for this very reason.
C ur self.....I am now reaching out to you specifically here because I want to share my thoughts directly to the things you've said now and in the past because my heart goes out to you. I feel the helplessness that you must feel because I have been there before. This is a horrible feeling.
This is where I can join you and your relationship with Jesus....imagine the three of us sitting together and having this discussion...perhaps Jesus is just sitting in for the moment without actually saying anything ( I mean this sincerely with all due respect as I have very strong ties to his words too and use them as my guide in life. Even if I don't go to church....I'm still practicing ha ha )
Everything that I just said before about having to live with the emotional consequences of your actions comes right from Jesus's own lip. It is not Jesus himself that is punishing you and making you feel shame or guilt when you behave in ways that you yourself do not believe in. It is because what you believe in and the words that have given you to follow are the very ones that you fail to do when you go against your commitment to them. You are not betraying Jesus when you don't follow his words ....you are betraying your promise and commitment these words and betraying only yourself. No one else has to carry around the guilt of doing this...only you do. You don't need to apologize to me or Jesus or anyone else when you do this. You first need to say you;re sorry to yourself and find a way to forgive yourself for your own self betrayal. There is no getting around the taking this kind of responsibility...no amount of denial... or rationalizing...or deferring blame is ever going to take that responsibility away from you and this is why Jesus said all the things he said. Believing is one thing....putting the words into practice and into your actions is what this is all about.
So when I blow up at my wife because she disrespects me no matter how egregious this infraction might be....I am being self righteous and not practicing forgiveness. I just broke rule #1 in that very moment. Regardless of how "right" I was to be angry....I betrayed myself based on what I believe in and at the end of the day and I feel bad for it. How can this be? I was perfectly in my right to be angry and she was the one who shit all over my day.....why do I feel bad now for yelling at her which is perfectly understandable from anyone who might witness this interaction. I can go here on this forum and tell my story and I know that others will validate my reasons but......I still have to carry around the guilt I feel for going against myself in behaving in a way that I do not want to do or believe is right. I may be right....my behavior is not. That's the self betrayal.
That's why it is so important not to let anything that I do myself be contingent on anything anyone else does. In the context of using the words that Jesus himself has told us....and to the point that we believe him and trust him to be right.......every time I follow his advise ( so to speak ).....I never have to regret anything that I do and never feel poorly at the end of the day.
C ur self. I have a question for you in light of what I am saying ( at least coming from my point of view ). The internet is a difficult place to do this since so many things like sarcasm or the like can get read into comments you read and there is no way to tell just how things are being said so many times....so I need to preface this at least to say that I am sincerely reaching out in this moment and not judging you in the least but wanting somehow to help take your pain away if that is possible.
So...if you can trust the place this is coming from and believe me when I say that I have been where you are now before and not just asking this for my own idle curiosity.......why do you feel so bad about your marriage if you are staying with your wife because of your promise to God/Jesus and your faith? If what I have been saying is true......you are not betraying what you believe in so your are not betraying yourself and following through on your promise. Shouldn't this feel good instead of bad? Shouldn't this in itself not make you conflicted?
The reason I ask this question is coming right back to what I have been saying all along. I have read the things you've said about your wife's behavior at times and I personally would have blown every gasket I have in me more than once if I was living with the behavior that you have reported. Not the ADHD behavior....the disrespectful and dismissive ones. But to the very thing I am saying.....If I was committed to my promise and felt good about myself for that reason....then the only thing left to feel bad about would be my own behavior as a response to her that I would not be proud of myself. That's the only thing that I could see that I would feel bad or guilty for in any way. Not being true to myself or letting someone else manipulate and control me. That is the only source of shame or guilty feelings that I can see here if that is what is happening.
My only advise for you here is to consider this. It's not for me or anyone else now that I am saying this to but I really am deeply and sincerelywanting you to find some way to be happy and live the life that you are looking for in Jesus.
peace
J
The rest of the story J
Submitted by c ur self on
I read your post on my iphone setting in the car before I went into to the church assembly this morning and it's dominated my thoughts ever since...It's now 5 pm and I'm going to make an attempt to respond...First let me say the reason it's dominated my thoughts is because of the love it took to make this effort...
In order to keep from writing a book:), I'm going to do my best to help you understand me...My frame of reference....What I place importance on, and what I don't...Answer your questions, and hopefully it will clear up a little for you...Or not...Ha.
I want this simple but informative....From a spiritual aspect I will not try to give you any back ground...But, I'm going to give you what you need, to let you know my heart at this time....
(21 And he was driven from the sons of men; and his heart was made like the beasts, and his dwelling was with the wild asses: they fed him with grass like oxen, and his body was wet with the dew of heaven; till he knew that the most high God ruled in the kingdom of men, and that he appointeth over it whomsoever he will.) I'm not going to discuss the context, but just as information to let you know what I believe and how I tick..:) This in Daniel 5: 21....This is what I believe about God...That he is Sovereign.
These next three verses is what I think about you, me, and and ever created human, who can think about their thinking...
21 And the Lord smelled a sweet savour; and the Lord said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done. This is Genesis 8:21...This is what God said about mankind right after the flood...I believe this...My life proves it:)
11 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? This is Matthew 7:11 Jesus speaking to those in the visible church of his day...
6 For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.
7 Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be. This is Paul's letter to the Romans...Ch.8 v. 6 & 7....
So this is exactly how I feel about the Father....and exactly I feel about us human's :)....
OK...about done :)....This next verse is the one that calls me to task...every time...well just read it...And you will know:)....by the way it's in Matthew, Mark, and Luke...Jesus speaking....Mark 8:35 For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it.
But...here's the good news...You may say C...How does this play out in your life?...We'll...This last Verse is what is daily going on in my life...I fight against it of course...But, the moments I don't...that's when I experience the peace....Paul's second letter to the Corinthians 2: 4:11... For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus' sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh. He knows us, and he loves...He new C would try to save his life....So he is delivering me to my death...So I can experience the abiding presents...Of Jesus....
I don't expect you to understand all that I just threw at you...I don't...But, in this post you will see me....
So now maybe a few of my posts and answers will make a little more sense to you:)...Maybe....
(why do you feel so bad about your marriage if you are staying with your wife because of your promise to God/Jesus and your faith? If what I have been saying is true......you are not betraying what you believe in so your are not betraying yourself and following through on your promise. Shouldn't this feel good instead of bad? Shouldn't this in itself not make you conflicted?)
Simply put...Nothing's simple:)...It's the battle to save my life (that's the conflict)...C's flesh had to endure so much chaos, so much shock, so much pain it's been hard to keep my faith...
But, I knew if I ever could be healed or killed...If I could ever quit making the product I was looking for in a wife, the product I was reading about in Ephesians 5...be what I hungered after, and get my eye's on Jesus...I would be fine....That's wrong, if I new this peace intellectually I would have moved into this place long ago...I had to be delivered to this point by his love....My wife is the best thing that's ever happened to me spiritually!...The gospel tells husband to live with their wives in an understanding manner...I wasn't capable....But the good news is, I can now say regardless of the circumstances of this marriage...I feel blessed in it...And can say I'm a happily married man without choking or expecting I might get hit by lightning....If you would have asked me this questions two years ago...I probably would have just cried...
Here's a not so hard to figure out parable for you....This is something I never really new and for what ever reason, never talked about until today:)...but, I new there were things...But, I only put 2 and 2 together the past year w/all I've dealt with...
When I was a kid...My mother could never get my attention away from what ever had it...TV what ever...
I was a high performer and very hard worker on my job...I could trouble shoot most things quickly just by looking at it...But, I had trouble in meetings....I've always been terrible at focusing on other's talk time...I've been interruptive in meetings to the point, my boss would just say "hold it just a minute"...I've heard this statement all my life...I would get angry when he would do it, felt embarrassed, because I knew 90% of the time they would go w/my thoughts...LOL....
In Church or meetings most of the times I'm always trying to catch up...I get lost like I don't want to there or hear what's being said...It's always been a battle for me...Unless! it really interested me..In school I would barely pass things that bored me...And blow away what ever I was interested in...
My youngest daughter has been diagnosed w/ mild to moderate adult adhd, same symptoms as above...You don't want to get on the phone w/her..:)....I'm not bothered by many of the things my wife is....So who knows....
Anyway I can't tell how your post touched me....
Thanks J.....
C You Remind Me of Me
Submitted by kellyj on
Your statement...." I was a high performer and very hard worker on my job..... I could trouble shoot most things quickly just by looking at it...But, I had trouble in meetings....I've always been terrible at focusing on other's talk time...I've been interruptive in meetings to the point, my boss would just say "hold it just a minute"...I've heard this statement all my life..."
I could easily apply to myself except....changing "interruptive" to "verbose".........no surprise eh?
I have to remind myself all the time to KISS before I open my mouth......Keep it Simple Stupid ! And it's still difficult to do even then. I'm not as compelled to interrupt or interject in social situations as I am to download all my thoughts and ideas at once which is still a problem.
Both have to do with "time" and "space"......in the sense of....... too much or at the wrong time or a little of both?
For me....it can be boiled down to one word which has been applied to me by others..."intensity". If people are being nice they may use the word "enthusiastic" which without question...I am that! If they are being nice but trying to emphasize their point they might throw in "unbridled" on top of that. ha ha
The one thing that I have been told and now always have to remind my self to do is......" turn it down a notch" which, goes hand in hand with KISS....
Which boils right down to two things when I think about integrating with others..... giving others what they want instead of trying to give them what you think they need.
Take everything out of this statement except these two words and what's left is......"they" and "you"
Now reverse it.
Giving others what YOU want instead of trying to give them what THEY need........there's the problem.
.
The second one is...... " listen and learn." I find when I don't listen......I can't learn what other people need from me.
Do not read anything in to this by any means....it's just an easy way to remember the concepts and I find this is an easy way for me to remember these things so I can put them into practice.
KISS....keep it simple stupid. lol
J
Those are statements of my life...Take it down a notch...
Submitted by c ur self on
My children just laugh and shake their head...When my brother and I are interacting in conversation it's so intense...they say many times from a distance it looks and sounds like we are about to fight...And we are both saying the same things just in different ways.....LOL....
I love KISS...Now if I could only remember it....:)....I've worked tremendously hard on listening....But, the detail thing...The way my mind works...Make sure there is no misunderstanding...So, when someone wife, children seem weary of my details....I will back off it....But, when things are misunderstood...It confirms my way of thinking, to make sure you understand where I'm coming from...:)...I'm learning though...Sometimes quiet is better...Even at the cost of a little....No, that's not what I meant later...LOL....
Got get up and get busy...Hope ur day goes well....
Thanks C You Too
Submitted by kellyj on
I just had a visual image metaphor.........like when you are trying to merge onto the freeway in heavy traffic....too fast or too slow always causes problems for everyone else around you...... Going with the flow and meshing into everyone else always seems to work pretty well. lol
J
And yes, i can see where
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
And yes, i can see where youre coming from. ..the dependent ..... whereas i am the co dependor...reading the quote to remind myself to be independant and yes...take responsibilities and accountabilities with love and patience.
in bullet form: read like this:
- YOU= Dependent
-ME- CO Dependent
-Me, (Co Denpendent) trying to cross over to the other side.
-GOAL: Be Dependent.
Dependent=take care of Myself to survive. Believe I can once again.
Its funny because i ws just saying the other day: I wish sometimes people just talked like this all the time...well at least a day. the part bt other people is true.
NOTES
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
I know I'm responding to myself but Hey All!! Just wondering...do you guys take notes excessively? and by the time youre "done with page" (no more room...sideways...circles, atrics, highlighters ...oh the highlighters and sharpies!! I love sharpies. but yeah..its crazy and in the end (whatever that might) going back to them...you have to organize the scribbles into shorten versions...hence bullets? ...see...' full circle'. ( I find myself saying THAT a lot too.)
Taking Notes....
Submitted by c ur self on
I start taking notes at church some times....but, my own thoughts overwhelm me, so I start writing those down...:)
I admire you s00....
Submitted by c ur self on
Sharing with you these last couple of days has made me want to reach through this computer and hug you...And tell you how special you are...And how much God loves you! Thank you for your openness...I have been blessed by it....You will be fine...Just take care of yourself...Make wise choices...Even if there not the easy one's.....Good night :)
SSooo sweet!! I too have
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
SSooo sweet!! I too have loved our pow wows...You make me try to be better and try to see and feel love. BTW: haven't finished reading your response..read almost the first line.. hehe i think it was meant for us to know one another...weird...i know..but i know you know. ok...
ohhh..no admiration here!!
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
ohhh..no admiration here!! These past few days...years. Have very much so humbled.
Woah, Let's Back Up For a Minute? C ur Self and Rosered
Submitted by kellyj on
Sounds like we are talking about 3 different things here? Maybe more?
To start......
Fight / Flight / Freeze / Fawn are all responses to perceived danger or attack in animals and humans too. The "deer in thr headlights" (blank wide eyed stare) or "wild eye" ( in horses )...just before they bolt are couple of examples. These are emotional responses you are talking about...having to do with adrenalin and the like.
Freezing ( deer in the headlights ) is the same as Flight or comes just before......like a deer. ha ha
"Wild eye" (my own definition)...can come just before an attack ( fight ) or flight ( bolting in the opposite direction ).
Fawning would be like begging, cow towing, pleading etc....stepping down or submitting ....thinking, like a dog rolling on their back saying OK....I give! Just to make the perceived danger stop but not to resolve the issue ( no closure )..... but just to make things stop.
Or.........
"Feet getting too close to the fire" is a term my therapist used to describe something that I've witnessed in some people when they get that blank deer in the headlights look ........and then just get up or turn around and walk away without saying anything which DOES appear to be very rude indeed. I've experienced this with my ex-boss and my Dad. A seeming.....being at a loss for words and an inability to process but no explanation or excusing of themselves. It feels very dismissive because IT IS! They're just not saying it.
Again....this is an emotional response or break down in being able to process emotions. Back to flight instead of fight
But that's NOT what I am talking about. Repeat......NOT the same thing that I was referring to.
I was also NOT referring to Hyperfocus either. Let me try and give you another description of that thinking.....Ah yes...dear old DAD. He was famous for mimicking as a form of put down but he was also pretty good at it too....saying, he could do it in funny ways and still be putting you down but in the end.....but, it was still pretty funny.
Anyway.....when I was learning to play guitar as a teenager....I would walk around the house and practice moving from room to room with the thing strapped around my neck. If you've ever been in the room with someone learning to play an instrument you know how irritating this can be after a while. With me of course......I would go into Hyperfocus mode every time and my Dad would mimic me out of his irritation to it. "Can't you play a song?" he would growl...and then he'd show me what I would look like by standing there with my mouth open looking off into outer space and then go "Duuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh".
This is NOT and emotional response. Hyperfocus does not happen through emotion....it's a way to process thoughts and focus which gives the person with ADHD the ability to concentrate, listen and pay attention. It may look just the opposite but as I already mentioned.....it's NOT day dreaming. Quite the contrary...like with my learning guitar....it's intense simgular focusing which is just the opposite of what it looks like as my Dad so poignantly demonstrated to our family. Usually...I would just walk away in those instances and mutter "asshole" under my breath.
Now.....I've narrowed this down and eliminated all the other possibilities which again....are NOT the thing I was talking about. Do you see why we repeat ourselves or seem to keep saying the same thing over and over? It's because we're NOT saying the same thing over and over. Other people just think they are hearing the same thing over and over.
And we who have ADHD are left doing the same thing I'm doing here...trying to describe or explain something that you have no concept of or no experience to so you try and access something that sounds close or similar and then say " I get it....I know what you're saying.....I know what that is like" .....when you don't.
But you think you do.
That's the problem......for everyone involved. No amount of learning, research or understanding the causes...the science...or descriptions you might hear or read are ever going to give you the experience. If you try and relate it to an experience or yours...... you will almost always be wrong. If you think this is like horse shoes and hand grenades (close enough) to something that you do have experience to...or extrapolating backwards from what it appears to look like ( remember my father.....Duuuhhhhhhhhhh ) and then come to that kind of conclusion.....then this is the point of demarcation where you are making the wrong turn in the road. The problem is....there is no road for you to take to get to the same place with some things related to having ADHD...You need to stop trying to access something of yours in an effort to understand something that you will never understand in that way. It won't work!!!! It's not the same thing and it won't ever be the same thing.
You simply cannot get there from here. If you think you can.....then that's a huge mistake on your part.
sorry for the lecture. I know this is frustrating for everyone.
So, let me try this again.....
Some things are the same in reference to what I just said.....in fact...I'll go as far as saying MOST things are the same for us as they are for you non-ADD'ers especially emotions and emotion based issues, feelings. blah blah blah. Yes....these things are the same. How we arrive at or process things or the assumptions, conclusions and solutions we arrive at may be different....but these ARE things that everyone can relate to together on both sides. You can access these experiences and use them as a way to understand a person with ADHD. Yes, yes yes. We are not different in these areas.
Even with Hyperfocus and my example of trying to do math while someone is asking you a question at the same time is probably extremely close to the same thing as Hyperfocus. I can't be 100% sure of even that though because of the very thing that I am saying. I do understand this even if a non-ADD person cannot.
A perfect example to show what I am saying.........I don't have children so I will never know that experience. I understand the experience of being a child...and I understand by hearing about this experience and listening to everyone who has had a child tell me about this experience....and I can parrot back everything I've heard to relate to people who have had a child....and I can live this experience vicariously through people who have had a child but....I don't know that experience of raising a child myself to know what it feels like because I haven't had this experience myself.
But.....I also know this is true because everyone who has had children tell me the exact thing that I just said and I've heard it enough times to know that it is true. I don't question it for a minute.
Further as an example.......My sister was really encouraging me to have children once and I told her I had made the decision not to (because of my age). She...being a mother of 3 with her's going into college at the time, could not fathom not being a mother or having children and was saying how sad and heart broken she was for me...based on her own feelings from her own experience and then extrapolating from that....the loss of not having her children and then applying it to her comments and her feelings she was expressing to me. If that makes sense?
My reply to her was..." how can I miss something that I've never had? I've never had children like you so I don't miss not having them. I understand it can be the most wonderful thing that a person can experience but.....I don't know that experience so I don't know what I am missing...do I? I also have never gone into space on a space shuttle and I don't miss not doing that either." she looked at me with a puzzled expression which meant she did not understand anything I had just said. Oh well.
This is what you non-ADD'ers must do....the same thing I was doing and saying to my sister but yet....deferring to that person who has it and taking it for face value without the experience yourself. If you cannot do this....you will be forever stuck trying to search for an answer that you will never be able to find without the person with ADHD being able to tell you. If they can't tell at least this much then it does appear that everyone is pretty Fucked at that point which is where it seems....most people end up unless the ADHD person figures it out. This much is painfully clear to everyone I think. The best you can hope for (the nons) is getting good accurate information from a third source ie: Melissa and other professionals in the field like her...But even then, this information is coming third hand and is left up to some interpretation and a wide range for error simply because of the fact that ADHD appears differently with every person. There is a physiological / biological component along with the psychological parts that all inter play with one another...
and that's what makes this so difficult to explain to someone else. Thinking here of issues and symptoms....which one is it?....biological (brain function ), physiological ( physical actions and manifestations) or psychological ( emotional ) I'd say from my own experience and understanding that it seems most of the issues that are being discussed on this forum are psychological ones because they are dealing with intermingling these same thing with another person who is different in some specific ways....throwing in gender difference into this psychology only makes this more confusing I think.
So now...having said all of that and eliminating the things we are discussing here that are NOT what I am talking about. I will try this again to see if you will be able to at least see the difference. What I am talking about is NOT psychological or emotional...it is physiological. And it is NOT based off emotion but from brain function and capacity....in other words bio/physical.
This is why I was giving the bladder example......which is interesting that the immediate assumptions went straight to Hyperfocus and fight and flight. I find that fascinating and at the same time extremely frustrating.
This also why I said....we cannot help it. Just like with your bladder.
This also why I said this is abuse to ridicule, tease and make fun of this aspect of someone with ADHD because it is no different than someone for example.....making fun of someone who is a wheel chair who is paralyzed from the waist down. No different. The only saving grace a person might have is that they are doing this out of ignorance and simply not understanding that this is exactly what they are doing.
If you are not buying this out of your own psychic defense....not being able to see yourself as an abusive partner at times or unwilling to accept the fact that you have been abusive at times even though you didn't realize you were......that's your problem.
But I can tell you....going back to my example of my father and the guitar ( which was about Hyperfocus not this physiological aspect that I've been trying to explain )either way....the damage that it causes and our responses to this kind of abusive treatment is legitimate. Just because you can't see that you are abusing another person doesn't mean that you aren't doing it.
I've narrowed down my own definition of abusive treatment or flat out abuse to this: if there are things that you can do about something about (most ADHD related behaviors ) and make changes to these behaviors....it is that persons responsibility to themselves and others to find out what they can do and then do there best to make those changes......I can give a wide birth to other people when it comes to being ignorant or simply not knowing better just like everyone else.
But when it comes to a handful of biological/physiological things that any person might have ( like the one I described in my original comment to this thread) that they simply cannot do anything about or change in any way that other people poke fun at or disrespect that person for having it just because they don't like it or inconveniences them or affects them negatively in some way.....then that is pure and unadulterated ABUSE and that person is 100% in the wrong and should be ashamed of their behavior. Ignorance is no excuse for the law in this case. If I see or feel that someone is picking on me for one of these things and I have done my best to explain that in this case...I simply can't do anything about it or change it in any way....and then they still continue to do this same behavior...that's where I draw the line and all bets are off when it comes to me and my behavior as far as getting in their face and telling them exactly how feel which......as I have made reference to before........is not where you want to go with me saying........this has proven to be unpleasant to say the least. I have had to change the actions to my response to this even if I cannot change how I feel to it and probably never will. I know the difference and there is no un-ringing the Bell with me.
This has been one of the major sources for contention and major blow-outs that I have had with my wife at times and where she starts crossing the line because she is simply taking an unfair advantage of someone with a weakness of another persons (mine) disability in terms. But in her case...she knows the difference too and when that happens it's abuse...plain and simple.
For her......when she finally realized that she had been abusive to me for things she saw I really couldn't do anything about....she stopped doing it and that is what saved our marriage otherwise.....I was not going to stand down ever when it comes to tolerating abuse. I am a stand up guy and I WILL stand up when I know someone is abusing me or anyone else.
And just to be clear.....I don't get upset or angry when people poke fun of me Hyperfocusing or most anything else that has to do with ADHD. If that were true I wouldn't be here in first place in light of all the things I read and are said on this forum. But again...we're talking about behavior not witnessing someone having a physiological/biological issue and then people making disparaging remarks. Even then, I know it's out of ignorance but....to the point that I just went through all of this for you to show or say....there are a few aspects to someone with ADHD that there is no way for you to know the difference to what you are seeing unless they can tell you but...... you should at least consider this before you go on and make assumptions that you know exactly which ones those are ( just like you did thinking I was talking about Hyperfocusing) and what you are seeing before you say something that will trigger a response that might look lik that person is just going off for no reason.....which was precipitated by you in the first place especially if you are wrong in your assumptions. This is where my wife has had to eat some crow when she finally realized that some of these things that she was seeing were not what she assumed or thought they were and she simply didn't understand......but after realizing this, she also saw why I had a very good reason for getting angry with her in the first place and apologized to me. That saved our marriage!!!
It may not seem like it should make a difference but I am here to tell you for the person who has it.....it makes a BIG difference!!!
J
J, I encourage you to write
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
J, I encourage you to write shorter posts.
10 - 4
Submitted by kellyj on
Rodger that. lol
J
Thanks J....It is physiological....
Submitted by c ur self on
But the results of late tax returns, damaged emotions, forsaken responsibility etc....those are real also....So let's just keep our hearts free from judgments....And practice Acceptance instead of Expectations....
C has to manage his own life based on the circumstances of the day...Hopefully I will never abuse anyone again.....(probably will though)....
J it's like I said, it's parables....It's obvious you are not even remotely in a place of denial so many of us face daily....There is still no excuse to be ugly and/or abusive just because we may think differently....
Thanks for the reminder....Friend.....
C ur Self You Are Awesome!!
Submitted by kellyj on
And to the point.....I felt a little safe with using you as a soap box to stand on in my last post but most of what I was saying was not directed at you specifically. I just wanted to take a quick moment to tell you this much........I know and understand your situation and when I say I've been there...you have no idea how much I understand this. The part about taking on a defensive stance as a means of survival is definitely a universal phenomenon. I know what you are going through and why you are here so it's easy for me to come to you and say these things and say at the same time that you don't need to explain yourself to me.
But as you were saying in your following post from a more general voice that.....everyone here is coming from there own place and is here for their own reasons. I don't want to take on the role of rallying for either side of these issues but more of one that might be read by anyone as a way to gain perspective for either a person with ADHD or one without. It's hard to stay in the middle when you are the one coming from one side and without question....the people who read what I might say are going to have their own preconceived thoughts about their own experience with an ADHD spouse and filter my comments through that lens whether that is accurate or not. I'm not here to sway anyone's opinion of me personally or to dog pile on the rabbit either. lol
I'll have more to say later but I wanted to make sure that you did not infer or take everything I was saying as directed at you or Rosered since I did include her name in the title of my last post.
More than anything I guess....my goal is to be thought provoking enough to get people to think outside the box and possible consider a train of thought that they might not have thought of before. We all get rooted in our own way of thinking sometimes that it never hurts to shake that up a bit and see where the pieces fall. I've found that for me....sometimes that is all I needed to see something in a new light which is enough to completely change my own situation for the better. This is ultimately why I come here and contribute with the hope that this will happen with someone else too.
This goes doubly for us old farts who get all curmudgeonly and set in our ways sometimes speaking more about myself in the "queens we" kind of way. ha ha
Thanks for responding....I'll come back for more later.
J
I See This Too
Submitted by kellyj on
The denial and the inability for a person with ADHD to articulate their own issues and take responsibility for it makes for an almost impossible and helpless situation for anyone who doesn't have it to know what to do or not to do in order to be with them harmoniously.......I can also see that this is the case for most people who are here. You have my complete understanding and sympathy that goes with it.
Keep in mind...not everything is denial....sometimes it really is not being able to articulate it to someone who doesn't have ADHD in a way they can understand it enough to relate to it........as witnessed by my long winded attempt to explain the very thing I was doing in this thread.
I can't tell you how many times my wife and I have run into the same issues that come up here in this forum and I went into our relationship from the beginning telling her all about my ADHD in an attempt to avoid these issues and yet.....found ourselves in the same place at times despite my efforts to explain things to her and my lack of denial.
J
I know what ur saying here J
Submitted by c ur self on
We can prepare for most anything as best we can....But, when it happens...we learn new stuff....LOL
I'm responding to my own post for clarity and a Learning Op.
Submitted by c ur self on
I've often made comments about how I live life to others on this forum based on the circumstance's in my marriage relationship and in our home. Some of my comments I'm sure were not comprehended fully and accurately...Trying to use words to accurately portray the story of one's life is at best difficult to do, and even more difficult for those who would seek to understand...It can be kind of like parables....
So, what I really wanted to share with my friends is this...If you've read these kind of comments from me in the past... "In some area's I live life like my wife doesn't exist" or " I can't trust someone who lives life like an 8 year old" things that seem harsh and under normal circumstances would definitely be considered harsh by me also...But, if you read my post above...Fight or Flight syndrome....This has been my daily reality in most instances for almost 6 years....So the toll it as taken on me, taught me, I had to take on a certain independence even in a relationship that should be an Interdependent one....
What that means in my case is because of the defensiveness that surfaces, the desire to control, and the fight or flight responses from a mind incapable of doing in tandem what is can do singularly, when given the freedom to do it in a way that works for that mind.....
That is why I made those statements, that still hold true today....My W's ways...the last minute thing, chaotic approaches to what is a simple act of making something a priority for me...Are unacceptable for me and only caused great interruptions to our peace...
I will add one other very important thing here...(If not for you, then as my own reminder) This quietness of detail/independence I've taken on for sanity sake...In no wise gives me permission to look at my wife any other light than what God has called me to be as her husband....ADD may change the way I have to manage some things in our home...But I can never use it as a reason to not keep my heart protected from hardness and fully love and care for my wife....
C
One more comment....While I'm puking....
Submitted by c ur self on
Many times I was the culprit...I was the one applying the pressure for her to think like me....She is no more capable of thinking like me...Than I am of thinking like her....I would venture to say this is true for most of us....This is the truth that is driving me to acceptance vs expectations....
The results of two minds that cannot comprehend each other living a life of expectance, will always be in the dark....
If Love and acceptance isn't our place of rest....This marriage will always be hopeless....
So I must have and give the separation needed for the living of life to be what it must be for a peaceful survival for us both....And just pray that place will always stay under the umbrella of unity....
C ur self -
Submitted by AlmaVera on
C ur self -
Can you help me with a distinction regarding acceptance vs expectation? When I would try to talk to my exbf (with ADHD) about some thing he was doing (and I chose those words purposely) that hurt me, he would get defensive and tell me I didn't accept him for who he was. And as his symptoms got stronger, he reacted that way more, while at the same time doing those hurtful things more. I tried to tell him it wasn't that I didn't accept him, I did accept him. But he was not his symptoms, or his behaviors, or unintentional actions. His values, and talents, and beliefs, and character, etc.,...those were the things that comprised him -- and I accepted those things. Symptoms can change based on many things, like meds, or skills learned in therapy, or level of stress, poor sleep, etc. Most behaviors are things he chose, but not who he is. When I would ask him to try to stop doing something that hurt me, I wasn't "not accepting him" -- I was not accepting a behavior that violated my personal boundary of not wanting to get hurt. The way I've interpreted things written relationships and ADHD, this is a valid way to approach it. ADHD involves a different way of mental processing, but it is not a free pass to treat someone poorly.
Which segues into expectation. My expectation in a relationship, ADHD involved or not, is that both partners have an attitude that they don't know everything...about anything (even themselves), and that while both partners will make mistakes and poor choices, the bottom line is that they want what's best for the other person as well as themselves. There should be an expectation of safety. Are you saying that you think even that is too much?
NO AlmaVera
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm not talking about acceptance as it pertains to what we expect of each other...I'm talking about acceptance of what we get from each other....It's never wrong to want your H or BF to treat you safely, and with respect...But, if he doesn't, You have to have peace with that, whether it means walking away or living with the behavior...Because the result of you not seeing this behavior as a reality of his life....Put's you in a world of Illusion...
I don't know what type behavior your talking about that you want him to stop...It doesn't really matter....And it doesn't really matter if it's an ADD thing that he really doesn't pick up on, or if it's just an excuse he uses to continue doing what ever it is....
What you have to lock onto here is his rights....He has a right to take a position...Based on your post...His position is...For you to ask him to stop the behavior makes you the only problem he see's....His statement that for you to ask that of him, is your refusal to accept him....That's the reality of his life, accept that, so you can make a mature wise decision going forward...
Reading your post is painful!
Submitted by s00manyquestions on
Reading your post is painful!! I am the ADDer and my now x is the NON. Reading your explaination of 'the end' overloading, over saturated and the shut down or the consecquences such as a blow out or and pure unfiltered anger. ...yeah...I do the same thing. BUT I realize thatt I just did THAT and those were the actions prior and during the breakup. Out of frustration...of his withdrawl from me...the distance that became soo large...I had kept asking and asking for a 'conversation'. I guess..I too reacted from frustration and kept pushing with lead to HIS explotion....4 screamed words ended our relationship. That's all it took. WTF!!!??? This of course only lead to my defense and a full out blowout!!
What I'm trying to say is: regardless of ADHD or not...people in general need space when they need space. Timing can play a huge role too. Respect and patience from both ends. But it does SUCK that we (ADHDers are more suseptable to this behavior!!!) Boo.
My Husband did this, or worse
Submitted by Strangebird on
My Husband did this, or worse he would start babbling constantly and lack a filter, saying horribly insensitive things, defensive things, when he did not need to defend himself. (He perceives everything as an attack on him) Now that he's diagnosed ADD he admits that his head would get all jumbled up, he couldn't keep the facts straight, he only processes a small amount of information at a time. Medication has helped him immensely. He really resisted the diagnosis, as well as medication. He agreed to it to prove me wrong, we're getting divorced and he's moving out Wednesday, and since the decision to divorce me has come to the conclusion that the diagnosis was correct, the medication is a miracle, and it would have all saved our marriage! But he still won't talk about it, I digress. Yes, it's a symptom of his ADHD, but it's probably also a habit that won't easily break if/when he gets a diagnosis and medication.
I'm the person who started
Submitted by GailT on
I'm the person who started this topic originally and I just wanted to say thanks for all the replies. Some were helpful (to me) some not, but I appreciate everyone taking the time to comment.