My husband and I have been together for 20 years. We have been married for 5 1/2 years. I have always known he has had issues due to extreme childhood abuse. There's no question in my mind he suffers from ADHD in addition to history. He sees a therapist of his own. I see mine and occasionally we both see his. My therapist beloved very strongly he has adhd and his therapist is dealing with the trauma. He is not being treated for ADHD cannot take medication. I am constantly the one in charge of everything. I have lists, reminders and basically take care of everything. He has huge debt and we are not kids. I'm exhausted and resentful. I look around at others and don't see this in their marriages. This week after 20 years came the biggest shock. He did not know where I went to college initially, What my major was or which industry I worked on upon graduation. The more I spoke to him the more he didn't know. I feel like I've been talking to myself that last 20 years. I am exhausted and stressed out. He is lovely man, intelligent and has a very big heart and constantly blames the trauma and says he wants to change. He never argues with me about the things I point out but I know it could never be fixed and I don't know if I can live that way the rest of my life. I suffer from chronic anxiety and this not helping.
ADHD an Trauma
Submitted by Leslie17 on 07/22/2022.
It's difficult.....
Submitted by c ur self on
After 20 years you know not to be upset by the limitations of short term memory and the inability to follow in conversation (distraction)....The not moving forward, and using the childhood trauma for excuses for today's living isn't uncommon either....We (people married to high level add minds, or just people who are in denial of the impact of their living of life) can NEVER TRUST that person with our own livelihood....I love my wife dearly, but, I don't trust her as far as I could throw her in many facets of life....I had to create boundaries to protect each of us from our huge difference's, and the justifying of things that make for distrust....Never confuse Love and trust with humans....
Bless you
c
It took me quite some time to
Submitted by relationshipsuccess on
It took me quite some time to reflect and acknowledge my past childhood experiences. When my therapist called it trauma I had a difficult time with that word, but it truly has impacted who I am and how I view relationships. I had physical issues leading up to my marital issues, daily stressors/responsibilities faced at my job, some confusion about who I am as a person in my mid-40's, and it all became a perfect storm of events impacting the decisions I've made and how I self-sabatoged a pretty close to perfect marriage. I thought going on my own assumptions and knowledge would give me clarity, or I was lying to myself thinking I was okay with "this is just who I am" without realizing the impacts it was having on my life and others around me when the toxic traits were not managed. It seems that your husband has done the brave step of acknowledging that there is a problem and seeking help to address the specifics of his issues. Perhaps there are things you both can identify and work out together guided by the trauma-informed therapist. It truly takes one step at a time, and it won't be a quick fix. I tried to address things all at once and it back-fired. I was completely overwhelmed by the damage I caused, I felt frozen, and was resistant to any type of solution because it didn't want to address the shame I felt for being the way I am. My wife loves me for who I am, and I think that has been key in my ongoing recovery, having a supportive, patient, and loving partner. Sometimes I don't know how she could forgive me for all I have put her through, but I'm so happy she has and I am grateful every day she has chosen to see the good parts of me above anything else.
ADD Treatment
Submitted by Ray79 on
Try ADD treatment/medication before making any decisions.
Good luck